Post by JediKaren on Nov 17, 2007 17:09:47 GMT -5
Some of you know my history and some of you don't, so here's a rather long background of me:
My name is Karen, but most of you know me better as JediKaren, a name that is not to be laughed at, but to be taken seriously for it means much more than a crazy Star Wars fan. The name has drove me through the roughest of times, forced me to transform myself into a person I use to dream of, and become something that so many people look up to. It is a name, well meaning, that brings hope and life that seems so boring and mundane to me and remind me of who I am, what I was, and who I can be.
The start of my life is one so unusual, it seems to already single me out of the billions of people out in the world and hint of what I would become. I was born 3 months early and weighed 2 and 1 ½ pounds due to the fact my mother had a stroke and both of us nearly died in the process of getting me out. My mother went in a coma for a month and I nearly died several times during my first year. I lived alright and not only that, but I’m pretty healthy and normal now. You can say that I survived because I had good doctors and how my parents were careful to do all they could and some luck, but what is luck? To me it wasn’t luck. I believe that it was my strength, will, and possible fate to live. I believe that my natural connection to the world wide energy that has touched us all played a part in my survival.
My earliest memory of something strange happening in my life is when I was four. The preschool teacher was coming to my house to meet me and I was terrified of anyone I didn’t know, so I hide in my room. I remember laying on my bed and I heard this voice that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere in the room. The voice was low, deep like a man’s, and strangely angry, but part of me wonders if that was how I perceived the voice. I have no idea what was said to me, but I do get a vague feeling the voice was mad at the world and indirectly send it’s anger at me, which scared me even more. Eventually, I decided I rather face the preschool teacher then stay around listening to this scary voice. I have never heard it since and because I don’t believe in God, I don’t want what it was.
For so time my life seems to block any idea that I could have been anything. I was held back in school, in the lowest, easiet reading classes, and never encouraged to go beyond what was expect of me because of my birth and poor health as a child. I had no plans and no interest in anything or anyone. When I turned 11 years old I discovered the Star Wars movies (the old ones of course) and was greatly impressed by them. I even remember saying to myself that I wanted to be a Jedi, but I thought I was too old (this was before ep one came out in theaters) and I was a girl and women couldn’t be Jedi. A year later ep 1 came out and I was blown away. That summer, right before my dad took me on a trip to the New England states I predicted to myself that I would save the trip. For the most part I was right.
The next year I became deeply interested in Jedi to the point that I wrote a long story about them. It would be around May when I consciously discovered psi, or at the time I called the Force. I was swinging in my back yard singing a very slow and calming song. I was staring at air. It was the perfect way to feel the energy.
My first reaction was totally disbelief. I was a no one. There was no way I could have special powers. It seemed that life presented me with the question of did I want to train to be a Jedi? I felt the pressure to say yes, but yet I knew this was a huge decision I would have to make alone. I wrestled with this question for several weeks before I decided yes. I wish I had thought more about that decision. I had no idea what I was getting into. I had thought some magically way a Jedi would appear and start my training. What I didn’t know was no Jedi was going to appear and I would have to learn how to teach myself a subject I knew next to nothing about. Also, during that summer I once again predicted I would save the yearly beach trip. Again I was right. My dad went out into the ocean with his glasses on and got hit by a wave. I was the one who found his glasses and seriously saved the trip.
My first year was spent getting a routine set up. I had to figure out how to train, go to middle school, and have a social life all at the same time. I really couldn’t train too much because I couldn’t do much. I could gather energy and sense the temperature outside, but that was it. Sadly I was too immature to know better than to gather too much energy, my first and not the last overload.
The second year was spent sensing objects around me, foreseeing more and gathering energy while moving around. I ran into problems about how to train and get school work done. I felt increase different from my classmates at school because I had powers and they were not like me and would not understand me. I spent the whole year angry and upset. I had no true friend that entire year and as I looked back on it, it was my worse year. During this year, right before 9-11 happened I foresaw something big was going to happen and it was going to happen soon. I had no idea what this was and I still am haunted by that day.
My third year is remembered by my new, natural talent, empathy, coming to the surface. I had no idea what is was called. I just knew I could sense people’s emotions and I had no control over this ability. My first pep rally was ruined because I was very scared by the immense emotions I felt from the crowds. Sometime in the middle of winter I foresaw the death of my grandfather. I only told my new and first boyfriend of this and I could tell he did not believe me until that horrible morning I text messaged him the news that I was right.
My fourth year was spent in a struggle in school, family and my boyfriend. I stopped training for many months as I plunged into deep depression. Finally my boyfriend dumped me and at the same time I discovered the psi community. I seriously thought I was completely alone with these powers. I was shocked beyond belief at the sheer number of people involved. I started doing all the research I could and realized I was considered advance in many areas. I first joined PsiPog and worked my way up in the ranks of respect. Sadly that site has a bad habit of inflating people’s egos and mine swelled to the point I was blind. I never really fit in with the group. They were very hard core psionics and I was a bit on the spiritual side, although I would of never of said that at the time.
It was also during the forth year that I discovered how to astral project myself. I was a natural from the first time on and almost never had trouble projecting at will. For the first year I didn’t practice it much because I found it boring. I didn’t travel much beyond my home and certainly knew nothing of planes or temples that I would learn so much through personal experience.
I realized I could teach the newbies, and teach them well. I taught so many that I decided to make my own site explaining everything I knew. I had worked with msn sites for over a year and was comfortable with making my own. I was pleased with the results. A lot of people joined my site and some were active. In early September I was caught, I don’t know how, teaching, which is against their rules, in the PsiPog chatroom and was kicked out. Some months went by and nothing happened. A friend, Matt and I, started talking. He suggested making a better, more serious site for me. I agreed and thanked him. I edited all the articles I had on the old site and wrote new ones. Matt and I worked hard on the site, trying to do everything we could to make it better. Our progress was slow and soon Matt quietly dropped out of the psionic scene.
I went in and out of moods and so did my training. I was still strong with my Jediness. I found the psionic sites didn’t mind me being a Jedi and some people wanted to follow my path. I started looking at the Jedi sites, looking for more serious ones. The problem I found that most serious Jedi sites only are interested in the mind of a Jedi, rather the actually Force. It seems that the psionic sites I was into had more to do with psi, or what they call psi, than the Jedi sites were.
I went through some major fights with my father and about two weeks after a huge fight that involved me staying at a friend’s house for a night, I discovered my spirit guide, Calmista.
I suppose I always knew about Calmista. Well I didn’t know if it was a her or not. During the last few months of the school year I could feel someone. They seemed to show up when I was in my room dancing. This always made me nervous, but I learned to ignore the presence and keep on, which was a good acting skill. The last two weeks before I met her I felt her presence more often then ever. I felt that something big was going to happen again and for once it wasn’t going to involve the death of someone. I was restless and felt like I was on fire to do something. I had a destiny and I needed to complete it. I didn’t know how though.
It seemed that I was always being watched. There were times, mostly during the evening that I could sense the presence in such detail I could almost “see” them. I started getting interested in more spiritual things. I asked people around and nearly had my friend kill me because I wanted her to talk. I knew she knew something about all of this, but she would not speak. Another friend had mentioned something about a high council and that suddenly clicked. That’s who was watching me, or so I thought. I was pretty close. The two weeks ended and that’s when I started astral projecting to the temple.
One day my father and I were talking about how to make this pie. I was trying to get a word in while he kept yapping and yapping. He suddenly got totally angry at me and said in the rudest tone ever "GET OUT GET OUT!" I got angry at him and refused to. He stuck his head into the newspaper he was reading and ignored me. I got really mad at that and took his newspaper away. Before I knew it, he got up and punched me in the ear. He tried to punch me again and I held him back. He screamed at my mom that he would kill me and I took that moment to leave the house. I ran to the near by forest and sobbed for half an hour. I slowly convinced myself to calm down and it was like someone other than me was guiding me through the steps to calm down, touch psi and tp linked to my psionic neighbor, who I gave warning I was coming. What I didn’t know, this was Calmista, but when I met her in the astral plane, I knew it was her. When I saw her I described her as s beautiful lady came up to me. She had wavy long blond hair, nearly pale smooth skin, and gentle eyes. She was dressed in this flowing long dress. She looked to be around 30 or younger.
My 5th year was year of struggles. I was finishing high school and racing and crawling for the end. My parents were talking and getting serious about moving when I got done with school, but that never happened due to the recent collapse of the housing market. I had to get colleges to accept me. If felt like I was being forced to grow up at super speed. All at the same time I had to teach psions, train myself and learn through astral lessons.
The summer before I went to college was the worst I had ever gone through and I still don’t know how exactly I got through it. I remember being constantly depressed, dead tired, stress to near tears, and swearing the end would never come. I withdrew from everyone and everything. Even my much beloved site had to do without me and paid the price of that. I was falling apart at a rapid pace, blind to the worried looks of my friends and their families. As my best friend once said “I seriously thought you would have been cutting yourself” I had no idea what really was wrong with me except I was so unhappy. I never realized I was suffering from years of mental, emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse and knowing in weeks I would be off to college where scary freedom was. It seemed I wasn’t going to make it to college when two weeks before I had to leave, my long lost sibling emailed me for the first time in eight years. The shock of finding a much wanted and needed sibling, regardless of finding out she was a transvestite and a prostitute who liked her job, stopped me in my tracks of self destruction and numbed me until I got to college.
Despite the freedom and the chance to heal, for the first month I didn’t do well at all. My sibling was a stranger who I couldn’t get use to and was having trouble accepting. She forced me to look at my values and how I view people and society. After the first month I was kicked out of my first roommate’s room and to another roommate who I ended up being best friends with. I have to thank her for helping me come out of my shell, help heal myself, and bring new found happiness in my life. It seemed the spirits of the astral plane knew I wasn’t recovering on time or in a healthy manner, so through a friend I was sent a link to a real Jedi site, not a fan site, but one that practiced meditation and the study of the inner self. At first, I resisted and refused to look in, but over time that side of me broke down and on a wild night of hyperness, I started to deeply talk about the inner self and thus started my training there. I progressed some; mostly learning to overcome the pain that summer had gave me and came to terms with my new sister.
My time as a freshman, during the summer, and even now as a sophomore has given me space to think through my past and realize how blind I was to all that was happening. I spent much of my life hiding, reaching out to others to help them in their pain so I could continue to ignore mine or at least feel better about myself. I created a site to feed my ego in a good way, but still tried to hide from myself. I have and always will be interested in energy and what it can do because it is not me. Yet, I am finding in order to continue my training with energy, I will have to turn to myself before I can turn to the outside world. I know I am much younger than the rest of you and have much of my life in front of me. I know I have been through much, some of it should have never happened, yet I believe it will compare to nothing that lies ahead of me.
My name is Karen, but most of you know me better as JediKaren, a name that is not to be laughed at, but to be taken seriously for it means much more than a crazy Star Wars fan. The name has drove me through the roughest of times, forced me to transform myself into a person I use to dream of, and become something that so many people look up to. It is a name, well meaning, that brings hope and life that seems so boring and mundane to me and remind me of who I am, what I was, and who I can be.
The start of my life is one so unusual, it seems to already single me out of the billions of people out in the world and hint of what I would become. I was born 3 months early and weighed 2 and 1 ½ pounds due to the fact my mother had a stroke and both of us nearly died in the process of getting me out. My mother went in a coma for a month and I nearly died several times during my first year. I lived alright and not only that, but I’m pretty healthy and normal now. You can say that I survived because I had good doctors and how my parents were careful to do all they could and some luck, but what is luck? To me it wasn’t luck. I believe that it was my strength, will, and possible fate to live. I believe that my natural connection to the world wide energy that has touched us all played a part in my survival.
My earliest memory of something strange happening in my life is when I was four. The preschool teacher was coming to my house to meet me and I was terrified of anyone I didn’t know, so I hide in my room. I remember laying on my bed and I heard this voice that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere in the room. The voice was low, deep like a man’s, and strangely angry, but part of me wonders if that was how I perceived the voice. I have no idea what was said to me, but I do get a vague feeling the voice was mad at the world and indirectly send it’s anger at me, which scared me even more. Eventually, I decided I rather face the preschool teacher then stay around listening to this scary voice. I have never heard it since and because I don’t believe in God, I don’t want what it was.
For so time my life seems to block any idea that I could have been anything. I was held back in school, in the lowest, easiet reading classes, and never encouraged to go beyond what was expect of me because of my birth and poor health as a child. I had no plans and no interest in anything or anyone. When I turned 11 years old I discovered the Star Wars movies (the old ones of course) and was greatly impressed by them. I even remember saying to myself that I wanted to be a Jedi, but I thought I was too old (this was before ep one came out in theaters) and I was a girl and women couldn’t be Jedi. A year later ep 1 came out and I was blown away. That summer, right before my dad took me on a trip to the New England states I predicted to myself that I would save the trip. For the most part I was right.
The next year I became deeply interested in Jedi to the point that I wrote a long story about them. It would be around May when I consciously discovered psi, or at the time I called the Force. I was swinging in my back yard singing a very slow and calming song. I was staring at air. It was the perfect way to feel the energy.
My first reaction was totally disbelief. I was a no one. There was no way I could have special powers. It seemed that life presented me with the question of did I want to train to be a Jedi? I felt the pressure to say yes, but yet I knew this was a huge decision I would have to make alone. I wrestled with this question for several weeks before I decided yes. I wish I had thought more about that decision. I had no idea what I was getting into. I had thought some magically way a Jedi would appear and start my training. What I didn’t know was no Jedi was going to appear and I would have to learn how to teach myself a subject I knew next to nothing about. Also, during that summer I once again predicted I would save the yearly beach trip. Again I was right. My dad went out into the ocean with his glasses on and got hit by a wave. I was the one who found his glasses and seriously saved the trip.
My first year was spent getting a routine set up. I had to figure out how to train, go to middle school, and have a social life all at the same time. I really couldn’t train too much because I couldn’t do much. I could gather energy and sense the temperature outside, but that was it. Sadly I was too immature to know better than to gather too much energy, my first and not the last overload.
The second year was spent sensing objects around me, foreseeing more and gathering energy while moving around. I ran into problems about how to train and get school work done. I felt increase different from my classmates at school because I had powers and they were not like me and would not understand me. I spent the whole year angry and upset. I had no true friend that entire year and as I looked back on it, it was my worse year. During this year, right before 9-11 happened I foresaw something big was going to happen and it was going to happen soon. I had no idea what this was and I still am haunted by that day.
My third year is remembered by my new, natural talent, empathy, coming to the surface. I had no idea what is was called. I just knew I could sense people’s emotions and I had no control over this ability. My first pep rally was ruined because I was very scared by the immense emotions I felt from the crowds. Sometime in the middle of winter I foresaw the death of my grandfather. I only told my new and first boyfriend of this and I could tell he did not believe me until that horrible morning I text messaged him the news that I was right.
My fourth year was spent in a struggle in school, family and my boyfriend. I stopped training for many months as I plunged into deep depression. Finally my boyfriend dumped me and at the same time I discovered the psi community. I seriously thought I was completely alone with these powers. I was shocked beyond belief at the sheer number of people involved. I started doing all the research I could and realized I was considered advance in many areas. I first joined PsiPog and worked my way up in the ranks of respect. Sadly that site has a bad habit of inflating people’s egos and mine swelled to the point I was blind. I never really fit in with the group. They were very hard core psionics and I was a bit on the spiritual side, although I would of never of said that at the time.
It was also during the forth year that I discovered how to astral project myself. I was a natural from the first time on and almost never had trouble projecting at will. For the first year I didn’t practice it much because I found it boring. I didn’t travel much beyond my home and certainly knew nothing of planes or temples that I would learn so much through personal experience.
I realized I could teach the newbies, and teach them well. I taught so many that I decided to make my own site explaining everything I knew. I had worked with msn sites for over a year and was comfortable with making my own. I was pleased with the results. A lot of people joined my site and some were active. In early September I was caught, I don’t know how, teaching, which is against their rules, in the PsiPog chatroom and was kicked out. Some months went by and nothing happened. A friend, Matt and I, started talking. He suggested making a better, more serious site for me. I agreed and thanked him. I edited all the articles I had on the old site and wrote new ones. Matt and I worked hard on the site, trying to do everything we could to make it better. Our progress was slow and soon Matt quietly dropped out of the psionic scene.
I went in and out of moods and so did my training. I was still strong with my Jediness. I found the psionic sites didn’t mind me being a Jedi and some people wanted to follow my path. I started looking at the Jedi sites, looking for more serious ones. The problem I found that most serious Jedi sites only are interested in the mind of a Jedi, rather the actually Force. It seems that the psionic sites I was into had more to do with psi, or what they call psi, than the Jedi sites were.
I went through some major fights with my father and about two weeks after a huge fight that involved me staying at a friend’s house for a night, I discovered my spirit guide, Calmista.
I suppose I always knew about Calmista. Well I didn’t know if it was a her or not. During the last few months of the school year I could feel someone. They seemed to show up when I was in my room dancing. This always made me nervous, but I learned to ignore the presence and keep on, which was a good acting skill. The last two weeks before I met her I felt her presence more often then ever. I felt that something big was going to happen again and for once it wasn’t going to involve the death of someone. I was restless and felt like I was on fire to do something. I had a destiny and I needed to complete it. I didn’t know how though.
It seemed that I was always being watched. There were times, mostly during the evening that I could sense the presence in such detail I could almost “see” them. I started getting interested in more spiritual things. I asked people around and nearly had my friend kill me because I wanted her to talk. I knew she knew something about all of this, but she would not speak. Another friend had mentioned something about a high council and that suddenly clicked. That’s who was watching me, or so I thought. I was pretty close. The two weeks ended and that’s when I started astral projecting to the temple.
One day my father and I were talking about how to make this pie. I was trying to get a word in while he kept yapping and yapping. He suddenly got totally angry at me and said in the rudest tone ever "GET OUT GET OUT!" I got angry at him and refused to. He stuck his head into the newspaper he was reading and ignored me. I got really mad at that and took his newspaper away. Before I knew it, he got up and punched me in the ear. He tried to punch me again and I held him back. He screamed at my mom that he would kill me and I took that moment to leave the house. I ran to the near by forest and sobbed for half an hour. I slowly convinced myself to calm down and it was like someone other than me was guiding me through the steps to calm down, touch psi and tp linked to my psionic neighbor, who I gave warning I was coming. What I didn’t know, this was Calmista, but when I met her in the astral plane, I knew it was her. When I saw her I described her as s beautiful lady came up to me. She had wavy long blond hair, nearly pale smooth skin, and gentle eyes. She was dressed in this flowing long dress. She looked to be around 30 or younger.
My 5th year was year of struggles. I was finishing high school and racing and crawling for the end. My parents were talking and getting serious about moving when I got done with school, but that never happened due to the recent collapse of the housing market. I had to get colleges to accept me. If felt like I was being forced to grow up at super speed. All at the same time I had to teach psions, train myself and learn through astral lessons.
The summer before I went to college was the worst I had ever gone through and I still don’t know how exactly I got through it. I remember being constantly depressed, dead tired, stress to near tears, and swearing the end would never come. I withdrew from everyone and everything. Even my much beloved site had to do without me and paid the price of that. I was falling apart at a rapid pace, blind to the worried looks of my friends and their families. As my best friend once said “I seriously thought you would have been cutting yourself” I had no idea what really was wrong with me except I was so unhappy. I never realized I was suffering from years of mental, emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse and knowing in weeks I would be off to college where scary freedom was. It seemed I wasn’t going to make it to college when two weeks before I had to leave, my long lost sibling emailed me for the first time in eight years. The shock of finding a much wanted and needed sibling, regardless of finding out she was a transvestite and a prostitute who liked her job, stopped me in my tracks of self destruction and numbed me until I got to college.
Despite the freedom and the chance to heal, for the first month I didn’t do well at all. My sibling was a stranger who I couldn’t get use to and was having trouble accepting. She forced me to look at my values and how I view people and society. After the first month I was kicked out of my first roommate’s room and to another roommate who I ended up being best friends with. I have to thank her for helping me come out of my shell, help heal myself, and bring new found happiness in my life. It seemed the spirits of the astral plane knew I wasn’t recovering on time or in a healthy manner, so through a friend I was sent a link to a real Jedi site, not a fan site, but one that practiced meditation and the study of the inner self. At first, I resisted and refused to look in, but over time that side of me broke down and on a wild night of hyperness, I started to deeply talk about the inner self and thus started my training there. I progressed some; mostly learning to overcome the pain that summer had gave me and came to terms with my new sister.
My time as a freshman, during the summer, and even now as a sophomore has given me space to think through my past and realize how blind I was to all that was happening. I spent much of my life hiding, reaching out to others to help them in their pain so I could continue to ignore mine or at least feel better about myself. I created a site to feed my ego in a good way, but still tried to hide from myself. I have and always will be interested in energy and what it can do because it is not me. Yet, I am finding in order to continue my training with energy, I will have to turn to myself before I can turn to the outside world. I know I am much younger than the rest of you and have much of my life in front of me. I know I have been through much, some of it should have never happened, yet I believe it will compare to nothing that lies ahead of me.
