Spilled's AP Log.

[spilledchemicals]

This is my attempt at an AP log. I'm going to start at the beginning of my APing..... which was about a year ago, so bear with me if I'm a bit fuzzy on the details.

There is a part of me which knows what its doing when it comes to energy manipulation, who has been with me all my life trying to make me understand. It isn't what I'd call human though. It's separate from my mind though, like we are one, but not one.

So, I heard of aping, and, knowing of the different planes, I decided to try it. I pulled myself out of my body, and asked that part of me what I needed to do. He had me rip a hole into a cross worlds area. A place you can reach nearly any plane or location. It has nothing in it. Just plane white space. The part of me summoned 3 creatures who would open a special portal to a plane.

The 3 aligned themselves in a triangle more than arms length away from each other, the triangle was acute. Mind you, since there is nothing in that crossroads, there was no floor, so If I'm "standing" looking at them, one seems higher than the others. At any rate they put their hands down as if they were touching a wall, with the floating one upside down. A symbol formed, and a portal was made. I was told by myself to walk through it... and I fell. Turns that where I was headed had gravity, and I was several hundred feet in the air. I was told to spread my wings. I did, and, instinctively, I corrected my position in the air to fly. I came to a quick halt, and angled myself feet first to wards the ground. I flapped my wings before landing, and came to a stop. I looked around. I was in the middle of flat lands. There were mountains in the distance, dirt swirled in the air. There was very little, if any, plant life. There was nothing there, no buildings, no people. I pulled my wings into me, so I looked human. I took out a claw and sliced a hole between the planes back to my physical body. I was done there.

In that AP I learned how to quickly cross planes, as well as how to better control my energy body's shape between human and... not.

Skip ahead a few months. I didn't AP, but I had kept up contact with the other part of me. I learned many things, like controlling the energy in others, as well as using a liquid metal in me to form weapons. I would go to other planes just to experiment, and to gain strength. I didn't really AP for knowledge again until a couple weeks ago.

I had badly damaged my main energy use arm, and could do nothing with it, without causing pain in my arm. I carefully opened a portal to a temple. I only knew the energy signature of the temple. I walked in, with my arm, wrapped in bandages, close to my chest. The temple was made of stone, with pillars on both sides of the walls.

There were many people there, big impressive guards with spears, others busy with much to do. Everyone ignored me. So I kept walking to the place in the temple I needed to go. I Finlay reached her. A woman, a healer, was floating in the center of a small circular room. She had me lay down in the air, held up by energy. Then she ripped into my arm. My muscles were torn out, and put back in. The arm was given a total system shock, was cleaned and purged, and put back into place. There was pain, yes, but it was welcome. It was a healing kind of pain. She wrapped up my arm, and told me to rest. I returned to my body instantaneously, and soon fell asleep.

It took a week for my arm to return to normal. But that was much shorter than it would have taken to heal.

[JediKaren]

cool!

[T_Hornberger]

Dude, sweet, Definately looking forward to reading more, keep posting.

[spilledchemicals]

So, two new additions to the log. The first is something which happened to me a while ago and the second was last nights trip to the astral.

I don't usually AP much, because entities seem attracted to me, and so I can keep busy by simply leaving my body, and talking to whatever has gathered around me. Something tried to enter my head 2 weeks ago. Telling me the ultimate power I could have, If I would use a power I have to seriously harm people for him. In my minds eye, he took the form of the main shinigami from the manga DeathNote, the pig nose and the leather straps and everything.

I left my body to meet him face to face. He felt hollow. I ended him. The energy I turned him into was weak, and tainted. I looked down and saw myself lying there, breath shallow, and found no great humor in being in two places at once. Could I destroy myself as I had destroyed that pitiful entity.

Yes, one mind thought, but a part of me knew better. With two minds, one for each body, I lifted myself up and stared into my eyes. And I stared into my counter's eyes. I saw him pull a claw back, to strike. And I plunged my claw into his heart. But I could not destroy myself. Where the claw had pierced my body, they had merged. In that point, he and I became me again. The two minds joined together again. I could feel my body's spirit, as well as my other body's inhuman form. That is the me who lives. A combination of 2 minds, one from my body, and one for my spirit.

That happened a few months ago, and that's it in it's uneditedness.... But I later came to realize it was simply different aspects of my consciousness working independently, not two minds. So, for last nights trip, its a long one.

I told my other half that I wanted to get stronger, so he gave me the energy signature of a place I should go. Upon entering, I was outside what seemed like a far east martial arts temple. There was grass around me, excluding the two square patches of bare dirt, wide enough for two people to fight, to either side of me, and a lightly stoned path ahead.

I walked ahead, and found the leader of this place. All I can remember of him is that he was short, and the strong kind of fat. We exchanged kind words, but the details are lost to me now. He led me inside the temple, and brought me to a room with a single other person in it. The leader asked me to show him my hand. I stuck it out, and he said he meant my claw. I changed my hand, and he examined it. Without a word about the claw, he told me fight the other person in the room. The only condition for the fight is that I wasn't allow to use projectile attacks.

He was taller than the leader, bald, and I had the feeling he was a student of the leader. I rushed him, and was met with a solid kick square in the chest. It took a few minutes, but I found a weakness in his defensive stance, and land a few powerful blows. He crumpled, and two people carried him away.

The leader asked me to follow him. I didn't want to. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to hurt others. I left. After returning to my body, I decided it would be best if I didn't shut doors of opportunity. I returned, and asked If I could learn from him. He said no. I asked if there was any way I could learn from him. He told me to fight himself, and If I could land more than three blows, I could join.

I smiled, and rushed him. He barely tried to avoid my swings. Something was wrong, though. My swipes were not connecting. I realized he had polarized my swings, so they would be repelled. I corrected my energy signature, and landed a punch. He smiled, and I came at him again. I don't remember anything special about how I landed the second blow.

He sped up to avoid the third blow, until I was sure he was warping around. I calmed myself, and sensed for when his energy would disappear. It did, and after a few more of his warping around, I could feel where he would reappear. I stuck just where he would return, and I felt that I had ripped him in two. I was punched in the back. He said that you should always put a dummy where you are going to reappear, in case you need to choose a new location.

I realized that he hadn't barred ranged attacks in this fight, and so I filled the air with daggers, swirling around me. My daggers caught up with him, though I think he allowed it to happen.

For the fourth blow, I had to change my energy to a more powerful state, and pushed my limits. The fight was quick, but much occurred. To fast to remember any details though.

I was let back into training. I thanked them, and left. I returned to my body. More happened, but I have to stop here, working on an article.

Ok, back.

I didn't want to only learn to fight, so I riped a hole to the temple with the healer. This time I walked in proud fashion to her small circular room. She joked about how arrogant I appeared, and had me lay in the air once more.

This time, she explained, she would teach more than heal. I would learn of the internal structure of an energy body. She proceeded to open up my chest cavity, like a corpse in a morgue.
I felt the dissection and explanation of different groups of energy in the body. Which group affected which parts of the physical body.

She put everything back in place, and put me into good health. I was told to rest. I thanked her, and returned to my body.

[spilledchemicals]

So, this isn't an astral projection log entry, just recounting a bit of psi related happenings during my trip to Germany this summer. (travel if you get the chance, you see the world through new eyes)

I was working backstage at a concert in Germany, with the air filled with energy. During the time the band I was working for was not performing, I fell half asleep on a bench (it was late). I heard a discussion between one of the bands friends, and the manager of the concert.

I completely understood it, because, in my ears, it was English. I went on listening until something struck me funny, they wouldn't be speaking in English, they were both German. Though this was a shock, it didn't phase me too much, but I then listened for details in the conversation.

After the manager had left, I made myself fully awake, and proceeded to question the bands friend about the conversation. First, I asked if both of them were speaking in English, to which he responded "no." I then pressed the details that I had heard, which turned out to correspond exactly to what had been said in German.

So, I'd have to say the way I think it happened was this. Since psi is universal, and we are all universally a part of it, and since I was half asleep, which would have put me in a more receptive mindset, the intent of what was said carried over into my mind, and so I could understand it, it was put into English.

[spilledchemicals]

I've just had a personal revelation. Everything I'm good at, I had to learn myself. Take healing for example. I was doing it before I made my first psiball. Not because it was the most natural thing to me, but because I knew I could do it, and I knew how I could do it. I can heal minor wounds and calm emotions in seconds, but I can't move a psiwheel for the life of me, and that makes me angry. And anger won't help me learn. I tried learning other peoples methods for TK, I went to psipog and nearly every other site for telekinesis. But those ways don't work for spilledchemicals, so I'm going to have to learn it the same way I learned healing. Find out my own *bleep* way that works.

End rant/personal revelation.

[spilledchemicals]

This is a sad, selfish cry out to whoever decides to read this, probably my worst post. I am sorry to you, reader, for reading this longwinded rant, because if I didn‘t felt the need to put this somewhere, then I wouldn‘t put it anywhere at all.

You see, psi has always been a part of me, and while that sounds great on paper, its hell to live through. First off is where I live. I live in rural Ohio. Do you know what that means? It means every person around me is an arrogant Christ touting holier than thou person. And feeling energy is not a good thing here. No, If you so much whisper about energy work, or do anything which might hint that you don't view the world through the same ignorant eyes, then there's the devil in you, you are evil, dirty, something to be looked down upon. But since psi is a part of me, I love these people. I don't want to. But deep down, I know, I know that if they felt what I felt, they would come down off their high horse, and walk beside me. But they are too busy shooting the opium of the masses to see anything beyond what their book tells them. Ohh, but only a few of them have actually read it all. And on top of that, when I call into question a misinterpretation which may be in there, they have the miraculous ability to know exactly what their god was thinking when he wrote it. That abso-*bleeping*-nothing has been misinterpreted in any way. This sickens me, and yet I love. Yes unconditional love. Its a part of "feeling the universe" as some cracked up newager, or occultist would say.

Ooh.... and don't get me started on all the crap those people put out which is defacing psionics as a whole. To get any truth out of there you don't need a grain of salt. You need to take it like taquilla, with lemon and a whole mouth full of salt. But at least they are giving a message which says you have some power. That you can control your destiny, and that this whole thing is not just some ultimate powered deity's playroom.

I can't remember if I was always this dual person. Very early in my psionic studies I met a man in line at a store. We talked about metaphysics, and it turns out he knew of energy work too. There is only one line from him I can remember, but it still makes me question. I told him how I could would or have ( I sadly can't remember which) separated the light and dark in me. His reply was this. Beware separating the two halves, the conflict will drive you mad.

Madness. There are times I would embrace such an escape. To lose all responsibility for my actions. But I cannot, because madness is what I must fight against, for to embrace it would admit that all I have felt is a lie, or in a worse case, if all I felt were true, I know I would do horrible things. Things best left in my worst visions.

At my very core, I know what I feel is real. And because of my life, that's the only thing I can really trust. What I feel. What I feel. Well, what I feel right now is anger. Anger at myself for being so weak. Anger for not realizing the lies surrounding me sooner. Anger at me ever doubting what I felt as being wrong. This anger is in me always. Its just not usually strong. I know what I can do, what I've done, what I wish I could take back. I wish there was only one part of me, the healer. But no, my scalpel is a double edged sword. I feel compelled to fight, to destroy, to heal, to love. Whenever I feel happy in one, I think of the other, and hate my weakness there. I hate who I am when I harm. And when I heal, I'm not fulfilled.

I must always ask myself why? Why go through all this. Why tempt fate? Why face madness? Why do you want knowledge spilledchemicals? It is not for power, no, I could do too much harm. Is it to teach others, no, I don't want to force learning on others, only liberate them from ignorance. Then what is it spilledchemicals? I don't know. The best answer I've ever been able to find is because I need to know. I have insomnia as I ponder the depths of psi. But I am willingly walking down a path filled with horror, just to find a light.

And when I finally think I have knowledge, and along with that, power to use the knowledge, something comes up. Something simple, yet I can't overpower it. I should be able to, yet I can't. And this throws everything into question.

Is what I feel real? Can I really do this? Is all I can do a *bleeping* placebo effect, a mind over matter crap shoot? Is what I've pushed my limits for, what I've cried for, what I felt burning pain for, what I walked the edge of madness for really real? Am I truly, unequivocally mad?

I hope I'm not, for to say I know I'm not would invite madness in.

As my mind tumbles between what is real and not real, I lose my sense of what is truly real. If psi, at least for my case, was a lie, then everything I've based the better half of my life on being true would be wrong. And to face that angers me, because I know, deep down, I am truthful. I have seen what I've done, both good and bad, and know that what I feel is true. So then the only thing left is my weakness.

And so I train, in hopes that I will have the power to overcome what I failed at before. I train, in spite of what those around me think. I train, in spite of doing so would welcome madness. I train, in spite that I hate that I love, and hate that I hate. I train, in spite that if I am wrong, all others who would follow me are wrong. I train, and I train, and I train. And when I meet that simple challenge yet again, I smile, and hug it, because without it I would never have come so far. And I walk this path some more, hopeful the next day will be better than the last, full of cheer, and greeting everything I meet with a happy hello, and those that pass with a fond farewell.

In the end, I know I will walk this path yet again, to be loved, renewed, happy, proud, sickened, destroyed, sad, mad, and hated. Hopefully destroyed one day. But what can I say? I love.

[T_Hornberger]

Well said man...that was very good. I've gone through my times of doubt too...actualy just recently. Even though i know deep down inside it's real, I still have my doubts, and am puzzled by that fact, but I guess that's just how things go. I am currently though learning how to effect things physically, (make a breeze, make it hotter colder, tk, ect.) so that when I do have doubt, I can prove myself wrong.

[JediKaren]

we all go through a questioning period, if not several questionings. There are many things I still question. But we have all decided we believe in psi for our own reasons. No one can give you proof of this. You will have to decide for yourself. It's hard, but it is a must. When it's done you will feel better, have a more open mind no matter what you decide, and live a happier life.

[spilledchemicals]

Thanks, writing that got nearly every angry monkey off my back, and seeing that others who I respect also struggle, well, it makes me feel not so alone.

Not much on the astral projection front, The healer showed me a few more ideas with energy pathways. It explains some of the phenomena which I have encountered, like when you have cut all major and minor pathways, some energy still flows, and can be coaxed to flow without them. I'll have to toy with this theory.

I'm trying to find time to practice TK, but it's getting hard because of school. My progress hasn't been that great... but ohh well. I know that I will do it, and as one of my favorite quotes says, I haven't failed, I've found 100,000 ways which didn't work.
PS, first strong TK related headache. Thats good in my book. Shows somethings happening.

This post was a bit too sparse, so I've decided to say how I project, just to add a bit more meat to this one.

I have always been able to control energy bodies just as easily as regular energy, as long as the owner of said body doesn't try to stop me. So, I control my energy body, at first one body part at a time, but now as a whole, to leave me. It's like your spirit raises your hand, but your body doesn't. At any rate, I usually change my right arm and hand into a claw. It's a natural change, a part of me, but it's never the same type of claw, unless I mean it to be.

At this point I do something I call ripping. It's an unnecessary step when you can just think yourself somewhere, but it cements in my mind that I've left. I take my claw, and have it be able to rip holes between planes. I then think of the energy of the plane I wish to go to. I slash a tear through the two, and viola, an instant portal between our energy plane and another plane. I close the gate behind me, so nothing gets to by body, and I do what I need to in the astral.

This same technique works if someone uses only psi, just as long as it makes a hole.

[spilledchemicals]

A new, sudden calmness has washed over me. For the first time in a long time, I was able to release everything from my mind, being completely at ease inside myself.

I feel as though the culmination of all of my fears, doubts, and concerns came to a head, and became a fully realized aspect of me. When this aspect arose, I was able to let it go. I didn't need it anymore.

Now I sit here, quiet and still, and ponder what I shall do. I shall learn healing, the deepest aspects of it shall not hide from my eyes. This is what I feel I should do. This is what I know I can do.

The law of attraction has been realized by me more fully than ever, and to dwell on the concepts of my worst log shall invite more of those concepts in. I have faced them, and I have learned.

From this day forward, I shall be strong, I shall be wise, I shall heal. Without the doubt or fear, I know, I 100% know, everything will be alright.

I do my best training alone, so sorry if I up and disappear.

Edit: I'll still check up here every few days, I can't completely vanish.

[JediKaren]

lucky you. I've been in that zone a couple of times and I wish I was in that zone right now. A little peace wouldn't kill me. Well hope you stay in your mood. I find it only lasts for a while.

[spilledchemicals]

Since my last log, the healer has popped into the energy of this world, freezes me, and shows me something new, or does something to my energy body. Here are some of the random things that she has done. She has shown me the smallest energy paths in my hand, and through extension, I have mapped the smallest pathways in me.

She told me many times that I am too heavily relying on my main energy pathways, and devised a way to relieve me of my handicap. She assured me that she was going to strengthen the protection of my pathways. It felt like steel rods were being put into me, cold surgical steel. She was halfway through my energy when I realized that this wasn't to protect me, it was to hobble me.

My arms were frozen, and she quickly finished inserting the rods. She told me to move my energy. "Through what?" I asked her. She told me just to do it. I calmed, focused my energy, and felt the movement of my energy, like liquid in me. With my main energy pathways blocked, relying on the smaller pathways was.... difficult.

She unlocked my energy pathways, but left the rods in, she said they would protect my main energy pathways, and we wouldn't have to reinsert them next time we trained.

I have to go now, but I'll put more in with an edit... later.

I actually don't have anything more to say really. Hmm. For filler, I shall say how my AP has progressed.

At first, I could only "see" by sensing around me, and vague flashes of images, and I could barely feel my astral body. Now, I feel more like I'm in the astral than I feel like I'm in the physical. My eyesight has gotten better, but I can only sustain poor vision, but I can have clear flashes of important images.

[spilledchemicals]

Last night I aided a friend by bringing two different possible states for his energy body to be in together, creating a more powerful combined version. It was late when my work was done, so we decided to test out the new state tonight.

We, over the phone, discussed what we saw happening to his energy body as it reacted to different situations. After a few minutes of this, he suddenly felt the need to dig down into the earth for something. He found what he felt he needed to find, and we both felt that he had found a crystal. We both also knew what he needed to do with it.

He absorbed the crystal into himself, and it made his energy much more intense. He felt called to AP to a different plane, but he told me to wait behind, that I should watch, unless he told me to come help him. I watched, in third person, him arrive in a plane which had red skies, dust in the air, and mountains in the distance, sounds familiar, huh? He had traveled to a different location in the plane I went to when I first APed.

He traveled in this plane to a meeting ground. There were 10 people there who we refer to as Negas, those who have fought against corruption and lost, forgoing sanity and logic for power. He listened to them for a while, but seeing as how I was but a spectator in his trip, the details of the discussion were lost to me.

He made himself known, and seven of them immediately rushed at him. They were destroyed by a single blow. The other three were much more powerful, so he called me in for support. We dispatched the two lesser of the three quickly. I then proceeded to distract the leader, so my friend may destroy him. His astral shell was left hollow, for in our combined offensive, we rended the soul from it.We felt we were done there, so we left.

After a few more minutes of discussion, we decided that we would travel to the astral in search of artifacts, for fun. We tore a hole to a random plane, arriving at a beach. The beach seemed to stretch on forever, and the jungle on one side of the beach seemed to have a shield stopping people from entering it. A few seconds of effort, and we were inside.

The jungle was vast, spread out over countless miles. We split up to search the jungle quicker, and after a time of exploration, I came upon a temple, while at the same time he found a cave entrance to a room. His find turned out to have nothing in it, so he came to where I was.

The temple seemed ancient, without a breath of life for centuries. We both felt that there were stairs leading down into deeper layers of the temple. We followed these stairs, till we entered an inner chamber of the temple.

He saw a shrine on one wall of the temple, and felt a sword inside of the temple. I saw what was placed upon the shrine, a human sacrifice. I mentioned that something was upon the altar, and he immediately realized the corpses presence.

Undeterred, he simply removed the corpse and the lid, and saw the sword. He reached out to grasp it, and I saw him stay his hand. He told me that he felt that the sword was cursed. He TKed the sword out of the alter, and put a shield around it. I felt need to grasp the sword, but I knew the foolishness of doing so, upon realizing this, I did not grab hold of it either. A few moments passed, both of us examining the sword. At the same time, he felt a rumble, while I felt that ghouls, zombie-like astral creatures, were released.

We did not have much time, both of us felt. We quickly returned the sword, and put everything back the way it was. We swiftly left the temple and returned to our bodies. He was forced off the phone almost immediately after this was over.

My friend asked me to keep him anonymous if I wrote this, so I honored his request. I then came to my computer and began typing this.

[spilledchemicals]

Last night I felt the presence of something else in my room as I got into bed, this usually happens when a lowly energy being is attracted to my energy, I did standard procedure to purge it from my room, but it wouldn't go away. I scanned around me, and hovering over me was a very powerful energy being. I pulled myself out of my body, and held it by its throat. It shoved me back in and told me to act more civilized. So once again, I left my body, and talked to it. My guide told me to trust it.

It gave me two choices, which would help decide what would happen in the course of my life. The first one was simple. over time, I would lose interest in psionics, devote my mind to much more physical things, do very very well my last year of highscool and college, and lead a productive, content life, with little pain or hardships. The second choice would bring a much harder life onto myself. There would be much pain and suffering, I would be pushed to my limits to hold onto not only my life in the "real" world, but also walk the knife edge of insanity. In the end though, this life would have so much more meaning.

I spent the next bit of time discussing what would happen in the immediate future, depending on the choice. I kept getting the feeling a family member would die, depending on which choice I'd make, but I couldn't tell which would cause the death.

I finally chose to have the difficult life. I would rather lead a difficult life, than a happy one with no meaning.

On a side note, I want to write an article on nerve burn, but I'm having some serious writers block. Next weekend, I'm going to load up on caffeine, and let my creativity go to town.