My Training...

[azarel]

A Brief Recap into the past and present

I was introduced to Catholicism, and through it all, there was this familiarity and connection to Divinity that I constantly felt. Like I was apart of them...there was this lingering feeling where I knew I was sent here to help and teach people about the truth of metaphysics, as well as defend the greater good. And since then, I had been studying metaphysics on and off, through movies, books, websites, and practice; all of it came very natural to me.
And throughout it all I had always had psi abilities, I used to always hear and feel spirits as if they were physical beings. I also knew how to read people, and decipher truth and lies, it was an ability that developed on its own when things got really difficult at school, or at least that's the reason I think. There were also several spirits that had haunted me every day, trying to twist my mind into becoming like theirs. And on top of that, my family was beginning to break apart, and that alone was heart breaking. Though when it got too much for me to handle, there was always this being of light that came and counselled me. He helped me understand the situations that I was in.
I remember distinctly I was being taught the basic techniques on how to heal.
Though with my "normal" life in such a chaotic mess, I got sucked up into the drama of things, and my "training" was halted for awhile. I tried to help my family pick up the pieces of what was left, but it never did much good. School was still pretty much the same, kids teasing me, friends betraying me, and teachers scolding me for being a trouble-maker. The spirits were still there, but their voices weren't as clear as they used to be. Life proceeded as usual, until I was about 15, where I had gotten into metaphysics again, and I had even formed a wiccan coven. Things began to look up, I had even found my familiar, a water nymph named Alanadria, and helped my friends with theirs--but it didn't last due to complications with my friends and the "shadow" entities that had caused so much trouble.
Depression round around again, and I was left alone, my abilities were muddled again. Until I met a guy online that was quite experienced with all this, and he helped me get through my depression and growth in my studies. Though, that didn't last either, as many of these things didn't work out cause I had been too trusting and gullible.
Even then, I learned alot though; especially to trust in myself and my own judgments. Right now, my abilities are developing and unlocking very gradually. But unfortunately my focus isn't as good as it used to be, and the "shadow" entities lingering around me isn't helping me much either in growing and learning as easily as I had in the past. So, I'm looking into studying martial arts, and working with others who are into this, and are willing to help me learn.
Though I already signed up for a class in martial arts, the first day was really tiring, lol, I hadn't worked out that much in 3 years. My entire body was so sore, but even then, I loved it, it was so much fun. Hopefully, I'll get to do some Tai Chi soon.

[azarel]

Well, this week has been quite eventful, I got mugged, and my mom went to jail for fraud. lol, God it just sounds so ridiculous when I say it. But it did really happen. Though at least I can say now that my mom was bailed out, she's still a little shaky from the experience. Me, well, I know now to be careful around strangers and learn to put up my guard more often at night. Anyways, besides my exciting life in the "norm," I got a past life reading, lol, it was quite surprising to hear someone tell me they channeled a life where I was a bird. A Bennu bird to be exact, or rather the "Phoenix" in Ancient Egyptian beliefs. That was quite an interesting reading, everyone else had gotten a human life reading and I got a bird. lol... It brings a whole new meaning from what other people that have read me that said that I've "taken essence from many wells." *sigh* I wonder when I'd find out more about who I am. There was another psychic that told me I need to find balance in all areas of my life before I could see my path clearly. Jeez...Oh well, I guess I don't really have much choice if I want to progress.
My abilities seem to have grown, but I'm kind of hesitant to tap into them right now, I know that if I do, something would go wrong very quickly. Its mostly because of how unstable things are and the death of the old me is still in the process of being finished. Its so strange how all of this is happening so quickly, from the last few months, it feels like its been ages and I'm not the same person I was before. And when I try to think back to myself before, there is this veil that covers it and everything from my current past is so distant. Everything is so uncertain, its kind of scary, I contemplate everyday about who I am going to be molded into, I just hope its someone that I could approve of.

[azarel]

Long time no post lately...Its been quite a confusing transition, I feel like I'm on this swing, going back and forth between being more aware spiritually, and being blind sided by my old habits of self-doubt. Just several nights ago, I came back from my cousin's house, and it was pretty late. I was so sleepy, so I went upstairs to get ready for bed, but then I kind of drifted to my desk and just fell asleep there. The transition was beginning to drain me. As I was resting, I was partially aware of my surroundings, the energy around my neighborhood, and especially my room. It was as if I was awake and hypersensitive to my environment while sleeping...which was interesting. Then as a car was passing by (my window was open), I could not only hear the humming of the engine, and the low bass of the music playing in the car, but I could feel it as if I were inside of it. I woke up irritated and alarmed...Everything was so...vibrant and real. That was the second time that happened that night. The first time was in my dad's car, when he was driving home, I dozed off, and when I woke up, it felt as if someone jumped on me and shook me awake suddenly. Then when I opened my eyes, there were these little red and blue energy lines infront of me, shimmering, and then faded. It was a odd night, everything felt so different and so sudden, it was a bit much for me.
I'm so completely nervous about opening up to more experiences spiritually, I don't feel like I'm fully prepared for it, so I've kind of decided to step back a bit until I get the hang of myself better. Though it feels that I could step back into that phase again so as long as I am willing to take the risk and the responsibility for doing it.
Other than that event, there is this thought in the back of my mind. I keep questioning myself, my life, and my development. Who and what I'm going to be, what is right for me. Who and what my soul truly is...I can feel that I know it, yet I fear the answer because of the dissappointment, and so in sense I deny it. I guess its cause I have a bit of an attachment to my humanity. *Sigh* There is this feeling inside of me, and I'm assuming its my soul, urging me to progress emotionally, its like this little voice telling me to hurry it up, cause in my consciousness I can acknowledge the power that lay beneath that social mask that I put up as a protection barrier. I could always feel it ready to break through as long as I have confidence and trust in myself. The energy is always kind of reverberating in and out of me, mostly through my back and above my belly button...lol. Like the ocean waves. Usually it happens at night though. It makes me a bit nervous since I've kind of run into unwanted entities before and throughout my lifetime, and there are those who are trying to protect me from those that I can not handle yet. It just frustrates me that I'm holding myself back because I'm scared and I'm trying to be careful not to get drunk on power and go haywire (sp?) on everyone. I know that I'd lose alot more than I already have in the past. Trust is something that is very valuable to me, and so is friendship, somethings just aren't worth losing. There have been alot of people that I've met that have a greater role in the development of this planet, they all advise me to just rely on my strength and be patient, and that I am more than what I think myself to be. I'm trying to take the advise, but its easier said than done.
Then there is everyone else in my life that doesn't know much about all this, telling me what to do, pointing and scolding me because they think I'm just a ignorant, ridiculous, and undisciplined kid. Its a bit disappointing how those that I grew up with barely know me at all. I can see myself as a bit undisciplined, but not so much ridiculous or/and ignorant. Everyone around me is so caught on the idea of perfection, that they can't even see their own mistakes. Its so tiring cause its like the never ending ring around the rosey bit. I tried helping them understand spirituality but they think its odd or some funny stuff. lol...So, I just let them go their way, and just deal with the loneliness that creeps up at times. *sigh* I guess my friend was right that its better not to get stability and emotional fulfillment from others, but yourself.
Anywayz, besides all that depressing realization...Yesterday, while I was taking a nap, I had this dream about discovering this other-kin race, supposedly in the dream it was mine...my soul's heritage. Although much of it is a bit blurry, but I've got most of it saved on my laptop at home. Its a interesting entry, the world and that race isn't really anything like what I've learned about...Except recently, I've been meeting more and more people who seem to fit that description. I'll post it once I get the disk to save it onto.

[azarel]

February 8, 2006
7:25pm
Dream and Memory

I don’t exactly remember the proper events that lead me to believe this, but I remember the message and the pieces that fit together that lead me to this conclusion. Some things are loosely changeable, like facial appearance and a couple things about abilities.

We were a race from another dimension, another world that was in sense like the planet earth, except we had more night than day…and the sun was different, it was not golden. We had wings, white feathered wings that at occasion changed color like the aura, but most of the time they were white and blue. We were much like the races that are acknowledged today as Avariel and Angel, except we did not have pointed ears as the avariel have (I think). From what I remember from the dream, there had been another race that we were at war with, although we had far more mercy than they ever had, we were at a tie, but then someone close to us knowing more than they should betrayed us in attempts to declare peace amongst us, even with such a intention at hand, it was corrupted and turn into conspiracy, and that was what nearly exterminated half of our entire race. The elder council were all taken hostage and then slain, except one, he escaped into a portal that lead to another world and we have yet to see him since.
There were many provinces and many of us in that world, and all of them became a ruin. So, in the attempts to survive our losing battle, we escaped to another universe somehow, it was much like our old world but it had much more day than night. We had a short age of peace and relief, some even took marriage and had children, but our enemies followed our track somehow and attacked us there. The world we took home to, had nearly been destroyed if we hadn’t decided to move onto another dimension, in which there is a greater power that has guided and protected us and this world from those monsters. Earth is the third and final world that we came in settling down with. So, in gratitude, we decided to ally ourselves and become warriors, healers, teachers among this dimension. Some of us had chosen to be born into human vessels, while others stayed in astral/soul form to help in other ways. Though no matter what, our common nature is that all of us knew how to fight, as in all of us believed in the idea of living by the sword.
Our powers were much like light and fire, much like the sun we know today, except from the imagery I get it was blue fire more so than golden fire. The power we wielded was not anything like the earthen majick many people know today, it was much different somehow. Perhaps the reason is because our resources were a bit different than this earth. Though the feeling I get is the majick was not of low vibration status, it was very high, more celestial than anything else, and I think or it feels as if we worked with the planet we lived on, we were never attached to it.
Our race had much knowledge and wisdom; we were powerful and strong, and beautiful—although our one weakness that we had was that we were a young race compared to those from our old star system. The details of our features aren’t clear to me, but I know that we all carried the mark of fair skin, with a slight bluish tone to it. The hair that graced our heads had usually been somewhat dark, but there were always exceptions though. We could also shape shift into the power animals we bared, and usually those animals were much like that of a tiger, dragon, eagle, white/black panther/jaguar, wolf, hawk, falcon, raven, lion, and some others that aren’t clear right now. Though I remember distinctly that every one of us had a common form that we could take, and that was the phoenix and the draconic form, except the phoenix form we took was not red and orange fire, it was blue/white fire, sometimes purple…and the draconic form we took was in a sense colorful, because it took color based on our mood shifts.
We had a good a bond with the moons of our world, as well as our sun, we reflected upon them. I guess you can say that we adapted to change well, our race had excelled at a quick pace even if our persona had been reserved and somewhat tranquil in nature. There were two sides to our nature, we were much like how in metaphorical terms “we danced at the beat of the drumming fire,” very much like the fire element that much of us know today. The other side of us was like a deep plunge of the ocean, cool, collected, tranquil, dreamy, intense, sensitive, and sometimes emotional, somewhat like many know of the water element. Though we did not enjoy showing any sort of emotional weakness, we kept ourselves at poise even at our weakest hour, especially in front others. The fire aspect of us dominated the water aspect—from what I recall, we were also fairly stubborn, and I think that was what kept us at a more stable level. We adapted to change at a pace so quick that it was almost frightening; although that might have dwindled in the eons we have left our home planet. Our race was a new one, young, like the human race. Although that might change since the flow of time in our world had been different.
From what I remember of the old world, it had more water than land, more bodies of water, or it seemed that way, we had more blots of island like land than this planet. The vegetation was in a sense changeable and different than the ones people have grown to see on this planet. The plants I knew had shimmering power, so did the land we lived on, in the literal sense. They sung to us, may sound odd and strange, but at least that was what it sounded like to us. We also sung as well, music was a great love to all of us, when we sung with our voices; it sounded much like what people conceive as “angels” singing. I remember vaguely that we could use our energy, voices, and music to weave and manipulate energy, though most preferred to do it with the limbs instead, than the voice, such workings took longer than wanted. So, in times of celebration there were choirs that sung at the high platform near the city.
There is a memory where I was in training to become apart of the royal guards, we were outside practicing, fighting in hand to hand combat. As we fought, I could see/feel our energy build more and more, like the moves that we took action to, strengthened us. In our culture, I remember our ways of “fighting” with our bodies were considered an art, a sort of dance, much like some people who appreciate martial arts consider it as an art.
The swords we used were light metal, yet it was durable and strong. The common blade was about 2—2 ½ inches wide, and as sharp as a Japanese katana. The lengths of them were usually about 38-42 inches—they used to be able to channel our energy as well as recognize it after a period of time of working with them, they would not work well with those who do not have such a match. I guess you can say that the blades were sort of alive as were our land. With specific ranks or levels as you will, there would be certain weapons that are bestowed upon them as they are able to handle such power. I think one of the highest ranks was called the Dieomon or Dieomand. There were weapons in which could change into whatever shape we willed it to, but there were certain limits in which they could shift into. The more ways they could shift the stronger the one the wielder had to be. I’m not sure if each individual created their own weapon, but it could be a possibility. I remember that it took a matter of a day or two to fully create one, there were layers that needed to be in a sense sowed into it, but that depended on how much power that sword were to be and how strong the wielder was. There were symbols that were embedded onto the sword, for what, I don’t remember. The armor we wore had been light as well, much like the armor worn by the elves in Lord of the Rings, though we could choose whatever color we wanted them to be, and the back was specially designed for the free movement of wings. The chain mail armor beneath had been tightly sown together, it as well was light and flowing as cloth so that it did not hinder our movements. It was made of a metal unbeknownst to me; it isn’t anything like the chain mails worn in this world, it was much more difficult to pierce.
There were also many healings that went on, temples I guess that housed the teachers, students, and “physicians” as you can say that did experiments, healings of sorts, and invented better methods of healings. They used various types of crystals, tonics, and energy to perform the healings. The more advanced the healer, the less materials that he/she needed to use, it became in a sense apart of them as they worked with them more and more.
The second to last memory that comes to me is when we flew…whenever we had time to spare for leisure, we used to fly for a few hours singing or humming in the air, perching on trees to watch the sunset and the moons rise, or fly low to the surface of the bodies of water and skim our hands and finger tips of the surface, then fly up into the fluffy clouds and meet the stars.
Our race as I have mentioned were fairly young, but there were a large group of elders that had been the first of our kind, they were a bit different from us, yet the same. I don’t exactly remember how many there were, but I remember that they usually always tended to their studies (as in kind of a desk and library area).

Side note: If anyone fits this description or has any sort of recollection of it, please contact me.

Namaste,

Crystal

[azarel]

*sigh* At this point in my life, I've gotta make a choice on what it is I really want to do...It really is bothering and confusing me. Then the description of my dream/memory is kind of stuck, several things need revising cause of the time difference, and the chronicles of each event is confusing me a bit as well. There is so much more that I want to find out from it, so many more details that are left out. And I was taught by many others that its good to question everything first before settling with it...and so here I am questioning.
The other thing that is bothering me is there are people that try to read me and they keep ending up saying that I have a sort of "Fae" feel to me, which is true cause I've had many past lives as "Fae." Then, there are some people that tell me that there is this..."Angel" part, because of the "Light" and "justified" feel to me. Its so freaking confusing cause there this part of me that feels this connection to each, but then when I investigate both, I feel like I'm not quite fully either. If I try to relate myself to "Faes," there is this big part missing...then when I try to relate myself to "Angels," there is this part of me that reminds me of what happened between another friend.
I feel so torn, there are so many possibilities as to why this is happening and what I'm experiencing, its a bit overwhelming. It feels as if I'm stuck right now, and I know the reason is because I truly want to know the roots of my soul, my past, before I could ever move on.
Whenever I try to just settle with a theory of mine, there is this voice in the back of my mind telling me, are you so sure? It could be this way, and that...Ugh...It seems like every time I try to learn more in spirituality, nothing ever seems to go right...somtimes it makes me wonder if I'm even meant for it.
Then fincances at home are just a piece of crap...I want a new freaking computer so that I can be at peace with doing my own thing without having it shut down on me every freaking hour. Plus, I want a faster speed connection too, so I'm working on getting it.

[azarel]

Its amazing how many emotions one goes through...its a bit nutz...
Alright, after much thought, I've decided that I'm gonna stop brooding over something that I can't change too much, and just let it come to me in time. I guess I'm just gonna take whatever I have now and work with it, I have no choice but to as for now. Patience is needed...especially with Psi.
There are abilities that just comes naturally to me, but they are mostly all partial. I can see entities in figures that are made of energy, I can't really see the details of their features and what not. I sense their presences, though I have trouble pinpointing the exact spot they are in. I'm also sensitive to the energies from the environment, and I think that is what helps me from running into too much trouble. Empathy is a bit of a struggle cause sometimes other people's emotions rub off on me and I start taking on some traits of theirs. Sheilding I'm working on, but its a bit of trouble with sticking and staying for a long period of time, and I don't always notice until an emotion that isn't mine just pops up.
Telepathy is I think the strongest, though at times it just happens without my conscious control, and the same would go for telekinesis. I've gotten into some trouble with that, lol...
Hmm...now that I think of it, I've kind of gotten into trouble quite a few times with spirits.
There was a time where my friends and I had gone to the beach, and I had wanted to try to control the tide of the water with my energy. I just thrust my energy into the ocean water, and willed it to come to the shore. It worked, it got to about 3 feet from the beach shore, and with that kind of height it made me hesitant to continue, and when I decided to just keep going, something cut me off. I don't know what it was, but right after it did, there was this intense ringing in my left ear. Like, I shouldn't have done what I did. Then, not 10 minutes later, my friend Gen pointed out that there was this thick white fog rolling in fast in the area, and it was only sunset. As night fall came, the fog had settled in the area, me and Gen meditated, then as we were doing that, Gen turned to me and said that something felt wrong, like the entire area doesn't want us there, and I distinctly remember her telling me that there were these three shadow figures in the crowd of orbs. I could feel that as well, so I decided to put up a sheild around me and Gen, and an extra wall of energy just in case. Though even then, we were beginning to feel the affects of the negative energy seeping through, it was beginning to hurt us, so we decided to leave. But before we left, I had an idea to take a few snaps of the fog. The pictures that came out were filled with thousands of orbs occupying the area, and they seemed to be kind of swirling towards us. And what was strange was that, they seem to stop at the place where I put up the wall, and what was interesting, you could see a hazy shape of where those shadow entites were.
As we were packing up to leave, Gen seemed to kind of succumb to the negative energy, my other friend was kind oblivious to what was going on, and I was kind of having aches in my stomach, my head, and my wings. I did the best I could at sheilding both of us, but I guess with all those souls it was too strong for me then. Then, as my other friend was driving from the beach, the aches began to disappear, but then the after affects of that negativity stayed with Gen. I think it was the weak sense of self that she had been struggling with, that event had kind of heightened her negative emotions. I offered to heal her, but she refused, and she just fell asleep. When we got back to my friend's house, his dog which was at the window/door, was staring at me like I had sprouted a second head, she was so petrified of me. Usually she's all happy and bouncy to see me...which was interesting, my friend was getting pissed at me because of that, and Gen was reluctant to talk about what happened.
Even things went kind of sour, it was kind of fun.

[azarel]

I figured out somethings over this weekend...I realized the reason why I can't do some of the things that others find easy to do, its because I don't have enough faith and trust in myself. Its hard cause I was so caught up in trying to be someone else, all that energy was put into that desire to be that person, that I didn't put much energy into just letting myself be, so that I could learn properly. *sigh* But even then, I feel like I'm missing something...
All this is making me question if what I've always felt is "real," is it true. If the feeling was just some figment of my imagination because it was something that I wanted to be. If so, then it'd be no one else's fault but mine. Hm...Sacrifice, would it ever be worth all of this pain and loss...The answer for that is yes and no. Because I want it and I don't want this at the same time, cause God knows there have been enough twists and turns so far that its wearing me out. Things have yet to go the way that I had wanted it to go, and everybody expects me to just accept it. It just pisses me off. I still feel so freaking stuck because that missing thing is just not coming up, I feel like I'm groping in the freaking darkness here, trying to feel out where the hell it is I'm going and doing. I don't know what the hell I'm doing here on this freaking planet, with spirituality...God I thought I knew, I had actually thought that I had it all figured out and now...its all just blown apart and sunken like the f***ing titanic. What is it that missing piece? That damned important piece that has me running around like a mad woman.
I've had people tell me that its creating a path of my own, and learning past the human consciousness. But I don't know, there are SOOOO many people that I know and have met that is doing all of this with ease, without learning past the human consciousness. I've met people who claim to be angels, fae, werewolves, vampires, Gods and Goddesses, Demi-gods, star people, dragons, deamons, ascended master, and demons...I've even seen some of them myself, looked into their soul from their pictures, from mind projection and things like that. Hell, I've even seen a demon up close and personal inside a friend of mine on Halloween. And some of those that I have met who can handle spirituality with such ease have yet to even comprehend what I've seen, or learned in the past year and a half. Jeez...what have I done wrong? What have I yet to learn? There had been many many many people who have told me that its cause I have yet to live my life, as in experience my human one, and accept it...I mean what is there to accept? Human politics and life bores the heck out of me. I find it exhausting...But, they could be right, so I tried that...and lone and behold it didn't work. So what is it that I'm missing? When is it will I feel like I've truly achieved and learned something? Done something? What I truly desire to learn and experience has been denied to me, time and time again because of some sort of reason. What has really pissed me off is that its been dangling in front of my freaking face for as long as I can remember. I hate it, so darn much. I don't know how it is I could live the life I want, if nothing seems to be cooperating.

[azarel]

Been having nightmarish dreams lately, its not so much scary but more like suspenseful. I keep dreaming of dead people, and then having them come back alive to walk again to plague the living. It was a place that I have never been to, and I ended up undercover, trying to play dead, with another guy there, we had to cut each other up to make it look like we were mulded by zombies. We also had to stay at least 4 feet away from them or they would be able to feel our life force energy from our still beating hearts. It was very odd...
There was a nightmarish dream I had last night, but I don't remember much of it.
And I keep getting pinged about noticing my dreams...ah well...
Although, lately I've been looking up more about alchemy and Aunt clair's posts about dragons and the energy body/flames. It keep reminding me of those dreams I had of flying dragons, one red and golden...There was one dream that I distinctly remember, where I was kind of the viewer of part of the dream. I saw these two people that could morph into a dragons, one male that could shapeshift into the red one, and one female that could shapeshift into a golden one. They were looking for something, not sure what...they were flying and then descended onto the ground when they spoted this blue dragon resting near the forest, like it was hurt. They questioned the dragon because of his betrayal in some sort of feud between two parties. Then, somehow I became the golden dragon, and I shapeshifted into the draconic form and took off flying, while the red one followed. Somehow, we ended up at this...temple place, shifted back into human form and we met some people there that needed our help with getting some type of crystal to a specific area before the "Demons" came. We were in the potion room, when two of our friends came running down the hallway bleeding to death from severe injuries, and before we could get to both of them, all these zombie like creatures came running down the hall, leaping on one of our friends, while these black demonic creatures followed. Only one friend made it into the chamber, and we had to shut the doors to keep them out as we were outnumbered. We asked him what happened, how did they know it was here, he said the blue dragon told them, and so, we had to defend and protect whatever it was that was so vital to never fall into the wrong hands. Our friend died in our arms, and we knew we had to take out his head or he'd endanger us all because of all his infected wounds from those zombies, but it was a step too late...He came alive and leaped on another person, clawing and biting her, we then proceeded to try to restrain him, but he was too strong, he got loose and started hurting other people in the room. We were running around trying to stop him, but by then, the others that got injured from him, were turning. And when matters couldn't have gotten worse, the doors were being broken down, and those creatures came pouring in. We all tried to fight them, but there were one too many...One of them leaped on me, but I threw him off, I then decided to morph into my draconic form and just fly above them to get to the alter that held the important thing. I discovered a staff of some sort with a few crystals embedded onto the the top. I took hold of it, while the zombies tried to leap onto me. As I was going to leave I was trying to spot any people who weren't infected so that I could take them away safely. Sadly, there weren't any that were alive, and so I proceeded to fly out, but as I was flying out the door, a zombie got hold of my leg and was pulling me down. There was a girl that was hiding in the bushes, she hit the zombie, and it let go, but it went after her. As she was running, I followed and lifted her into the sky with me, and we flew away. And that was all I remembered...But through it all, it had been a very vivid dream...Like, I could feel the air rushing past me while flying, I could smell the blood, I could feel hear the screams, feel myself changing into a dragon and the environment. So, I dunno, it might have been just some lucid dreaming, but sure as heck felt like reality to me.

[azarel]

Been dreaming about more deaths lately...Watching people die in accidents, poisoning, fate...People who are innocent, and people who are aware of death try to counter it, but cannot because it had to happen. I've learned that every action has its causes and effects, and how to deal with it is to know the reasons for it.
Life and Death are the balance, there is so much more to it than just black and white, darkness and light. I had asked my guides to learn more about it, so I could find my place in this world. And so far, I've gotten my wish to learn...

[azarel]

The past few days, I've been debating people about Divinity, trying to teach them what I learned and experienced from them. So far, it hasn't been going too good, because of how much of their ego gets into the way of listening. They keep repeating the same things over and even take what I said as their own, but at the same time misunderstanding the meaning. I find that ridiculously funny...and sad. *sigh* Everyone is so caught up in trying to rationalize the pieces of information that they get that it taints it, and the meaning just goes right out the window. I've repeated so many times that metaphysics ain't quite like the human realm, its different...but they never listen. It sucks...
Then my parents are pushing me to try to become their perfect daughter, if I don't they're going to kick me out...Then there is the thing with my concentration, it is so screwed up right now, I can barely do anything spiritual anymore, everything is so surreal, its freaky. The other day, I was so depressed and tired of how I'm drowning in the sea of my expectations and others. I had wanted to just give all of it up, and just die...But something odd happened...I dunno if I blinked or something, but it felt like something was being lifted from inside of me, and I'm not sure what I saw, but there had been this black misty thing that flew up into the sky. Then, in the morning when I got up, it felt like I was completely numb all over, emotionally and physically. When I ate, I didn't fully taste the food I was eating, and what i was doing didn't feel real either, it just felt like I was just doing it out of habit and I was supposed to do it. That lasted about two days. Its beginning to wear off though, which I'm grateful for, it was just too weird.
I'm beginning to realize that my expectations are just killing me, and are the ones that's disappointing and holding me back. I mean, its good to know what you want, but its never good to expect the time of when it should happen. I had been so blinded by my desires that I had no time to really think it through and plan out what needs to happen, and be taken care of in order for what I want to happen. I realized that what I'm missing is control over my own life, and the appreciation of the lessons and experiences that life has to offer right now. lol, its the patience that I did have, and don't have now.

[azarel]

PS: So one thing I have to ask myself...Am I just lying to myself?

[azarel]

Well, the days have flown by since my last entry...
I've been doin some introspection, trying to figure out more about what is right for me in my path. There were some things that popped up that is fairly interesting...Like in my martial arts class, whenever we spar, I could feel this energy inside of me building, and I have this desire to kick my partner's butt. Of course, I hold back, but the affect of it is that I get irritated and frustrated that I can't just let it out full force. Though a few times I let a bit leak out, and the result was that I had been mostly successful in the techniques, but then the down side is that my consciousness is still trying to catch up with the movements. The movements are quick, swift, and strong, surprising my partner(s), though at the end I mess up a bit cause of my consciousness' fears. There is a part of me that is afraid to accidently hurt the other person, and usually I kind of do. Yet there is apart of me that just wants to break out, and treat it like its a real fight. More often than not, I have to remind myself that its just practice. *sigh*
Besides class, I've been researching alot about nature spirits/elementals/Fae, been thinking about the lives I've had as quite a few of them. Though trying to find the one that I connect most with is difficult, there are sylphs, nymphs (water and wood), elves (avariel), and a few others I don't remember that I have this familiarity with. Although, I remember one of my friends telling me how assuming a different form alters the original copy...So, I'm not sure how to take all of that now.
My abilities feel like they've been altered, as well as my emotional being, its like I'm beginning to lose my humanity. My beliefs, faith, and consciousness seems to be gradually changing; I've got less emotional baggage and things seem a bit clearer now, I can differentiate between my emotions and others better than I had before. And to say nonetheless, right now, I could feel those "shadow entities" trying to affect me with negative energy, as well as those parasites inside of my ribs yet again. I've removed them before, but I guess its been placed there again, oh, and mustn't forget those leeches attached to my head. Removed them earlier today, tried sheilding but I'm still not too good at that, and right now, I'm pooped from class.
Anywayz, besides all that, I've been dreaming about dragons, other worlds, and being fighting. I've even had a dream of lonewolf, we were against some sort of weird looking creatures. lol...it was fun.
Sometimes, at night when I'm between being half awake and half asleep, I could feel my body get lighter, just like a feather, and then it feels like I'm gradually leaving my body, I guess I'm AP-ing to other places. Then for the past few months, I've been getting more chills, like those sorts of goosebump, hair raising ones, and it feels like this icy cold mist passing into me, or through me. And then I feel like there is something inside of me that isn't supposed to be there, right in the middle of my body, stuck, and at times it hurts. Its very odd, its like someone is sending this energy to me, and I'm not quite sure the reason. Lately, it has lessened a bit, so I'm grateful for that, its one of the most uncomfortable and exploiting feeling, its like standing naked in the cold while cameras captured you in your birthday suit.

oh, this weekend, I saw V for Vendetta, it was one of the best movies I've ever seen. Great plot, characters, and visuals. Its a real eye opener. lol, I'm a movie junkie...XP

[azarel]

Its been awhile since I last posted on here...In the time that I was away, I've learned alot of valuable lessons, and I'm glad that I did, even it was hard. There is this part of me thats so scared to move on sometimes, cause it takes alot of risks that I'm not usually willing to give, and I wonder if anything good would come into my life again. Its funny, I was told that I'd be a transition person, dealing with lots of change that others go through.
Sry...Write more later...

Continuing...

Anywayz, I was really bored one day, and I had been wondering when the heck I'd be learning something more about spirituality, and if I'd be dazzled by it, since alot of material that I read had been a bit dull...Then loan and behold I was taught that having an actual form is only experience for the soul, though assuming forms has its frequency of energy, which would mean by consciousness and evolution wise of the soul/individual.
Once the soul learns more of its lessons, it then expands ability wise. A soul doesn't have any specific shape, its just a being of energy either to evolve or devolve by will. Though to progress it takes alot of hard work, perseverance, and adapting to reach its full potential at every stage...Then once it reaches its zenith in learning and living various lives in all the universes and galaxies of space, it goes beyond "life," and is able to create "life," as well as perhaps monitor and lead "life" to become its full potential. It is the highest existance there is, but that would take beyond trillions of years of learning for the soul, and every life the full potential must be reached. I was quite dazzled alright, it relieved some of my worries with my true form, as I have been searching for it my entire life...I realized that I couldn't have any special treatment from anyone, I had to break my way through all these walls standing in my way, and that was the price of "free will." Even if I had any potential reach that goal, I still have so much more on the way to learn about humanity, the world, myself, abilities, etc...and thats only the basics of the human consciousness, and I haven't quite gotten through most of it yet. But thinking back throughout all those years of crap and trying, I can't give up, it'll always haunt me if I did...spirituality is just embedded so deeply into me, I get into it so naturally, its like you can run but you can't hide deal. lol...And you know, I used to just completely hate the domestication of society, but I'm beginning to see that its part of the lessons I have to learn, because this is the culture I have to experience and understand to improve. From my chaotic family to boring school, there is a reason why I struggle to keep it all in balance this whole time--all of it is apart of my life now and I'd have to work it all out to learn what I need to...Apart of life is how much you can handle, what you make of it, and how you work it all out in all areas. Family, friends, work, spirituality...it comes all with maturity and practice.

[azarel]

"Some hide back into the illusions of their mind, because they can't face what they've created..."
So truth changes with the wind, with every creation, culture, action, and experience...Popularity sets the trend of what is really known to be, while leaving the things that aren't, impossible. That's where creativity comes in to those that are open to more possibilities, and what was is less than it had been, while the new is better and believable. Sometimes its easier to stick with the things that are familiar, and with those who believe it as well, so that loneliness doesn't have to be. Even if there are times of solitude, it is only a moment in time, while knowledge and believing can be for eternity...and the price for existance is change. It is only painful if we make it to be...Everything we understand and are -willing- to believe shapes the expectations and the path of each life.
I've discovered that alot of the terms by definition isn't as strict as alot think it to be...it can go so much further, and mean so much more.
Lately, I've spoken with a few people who are on a similar path as I am...They've helped me learn of two of my power animals, two creatures that are apart of who I am. First, I found from the guy I spoke to, about the side of me that I've had to always try to control, and keep at bay...He calls it the "Feral" side of myself, and surprisingly so, it happens to be...a white wolf.
Ever since I was about 5 I could feel this creature pacing inside me, wanting to be unleashed, I was always afraid of it because I wasn't sure what it would do if I let it loose. Though thinking back, I remember I used to always read the book I had on wolves, and I felt so drawn to them...I memorized every word and sentence of that book, but looks like I had forgotten about it after so many years. As of now, I'm beginning to understand and accept that part of myself, and the urges have lessoned, which I'm grateful. My friend had given me some tips to be at peace with it.
Then, with my other part of me, I could feel a birdlike presence...This one I was more at ease with, and I had an idea of which type, in which would be a bird of prey. A friend of mine confirmed that for me, but as to the specific type it isn't for certain. I'm still trying to work it out. Hopefully, it'll be revealed soon enough.
And then, at times when I sleep, as it is happening even moreso lately, I don't feel like I'm sleeping, it feels I'm in another reality all together. At first I couldn't remember what I saw, but more and more I'm gradually remembering.
There are also times when I'm not exactly controling it, I want something to happen, it happens as I wished it to, and its occuring more frequently. Now, I'm learning to control it, which is great and exciting all on its own. I can feel like there is so much more I could do, as long as I'm willing to reach for it...So far, I've noticed that I'm able to influence what people hear, know, see, and feel. Its amazing! I didn't do anything too serious though, I've got morals that I follow. I'm a better sender than receiver, but I'm working on it. So far, so good.