The Emotional Battle

[JediKaren]

You all know that i'm crazy about Star wars and daydream my life away, so here's a story partily based on real life and the rest is what I think away.

I stared up. I was staring at a huge building, well more like temple. In fact, I was actually staring at the Jedi temple. It was big, bigger than big. My experiences in the dorms, in my home and the houses of friends taught me to never to look up and expect to see more. Rooms were always small. Houses were rarely taller than trees. I felt so small, so little, so unimportant, so new.

I had been chosen to be here. I had been through so much to be here. I have been through so much pain, fear, anger, work to be here and yet that building suddenly made me want to go back to my simple home and life. There was no backing out now. I could only go forward.

A woman, a tall woman who held herself straight with no nonsense, the presence of the Jedi I always dreamed of. The sight of her made me straighten up, trying to get rid of any evidence that show my nervousness. I was nervous alright, if not ready to run back to the ship. My hands were sweaty, making it hard to hold onto my luggage. My legs felt a bit weak with my stomach have decided never to eat again. The heat of the tropical forest did not help my face look anywhere near calm. I hated this. I could not control myself. I was showing, unwilling, all my weakness and I had only taken a few steps. If the sight of just one Jedi could do all that, how could I survive a class of twenty?

The woman bowed to her waist, straighten up and looked at me. I paused in all thoughts, in all emotions, not sure what to do. Yes, the Jedi way was to bow back, but I had never been raised to do so, and even at the risk of appearing rude, I was too uncomfortable to bow back. I could not dislodge to my old manners and ideas of the world to fully accept the Jedi way. I wondered how much of these little cultural problems would they, the Jedi, ignore before I was told off.

The woman, to my relief, showed no sign of being offended, perhaps I was not the first to failed to bow back? She welcomed me and told me to follow her. We went into the temple, which brought on a rush of confusion and fear. Once I entered this place, it felt like I was now trapped here. There was no way of returning to a life I once knew. I would have to deal with the ever present and truly let go of the past....perhaps that is why I was sent here. Maybe this place would be my last stop for healing the damage of too many years of abuse did to me.

The Jedi, of course, were completely unaware of my past. They knew, on paper I had been at college. I lived with my parents. I was 21 years old. I had no idea what the age limit was, but I was willing to bet money I was one of the oldest apprentices there.

What the Jedi didn't know was my education in the Jedi way. I had been to sites, I was managing a site. I had 8 years of practice with the Force and over a year of serious, deep study in the way of the Jedi path. I hadn't told them because I wanted to start new. I wanted to see what my crazy training had skipped, what lessons had I not been exposed to, what exercises had I not tried. I wanted to start slow, to learn the right way, and to eventually show my secret and only then advance to my proper level. I knew this would test my will, my patience and my endurance to go through this plan. I knew I would have to hold back and restrain my skill at the Force. That would be hard to do. It meant I could not touch the Force or use it for any reason. I would have to refine my skill at feeling and controlling at little as the Force as I could. This would not be an easy task.

As I went through the doors of the temple, as these thoughts enter and left my brain, I knew I had already become someone else. Who that was, was left unclear, for the future was hard to read at the best. The Force rarely told you want you wanted to know, in a way you could understand, at the time you wanted to know.

[JediKaren]

In the past of going to different schools, I’ve come to notice that during the first few days the schools always seem to be impossibly hard to navigate through. The halls don’t seem to make sense, the rooms seem foreign, and the map is less than helpful. Even when I am given a tour of the place, do I still get hopelessly lost among the maze of hallways. What is stranger, but still terribly unfair, is how a week later the whole place makes so much sense and I am completely confused on how I got so lost. This temple was no different.

This place was just as grand as the appearance of the outside. The stones were smooth to increase the feeling of peace and calm of the Force. The pillars were tall, round, and mighty like the blade of a lightsaber. The rooms were of different sizes, simple and clean like the mind of a Jedi. The whole place spoke of the meaning of the Jedi. There was an everlasting silence that seemed to be an unspoken agreement among the people. There were species and beings of all ages, but all were respected. The young gave life to the bare walls and the old seeped wisdom into the floors. As one walked, they could feel the vast power and could not help, but to be impressed by the strong impression the place gave.

There was no test to be taken. There was no way for them to know I had been a Jedi for eight years. No one thought, no one looked, and they all assumed I knew nothing. They knew of my character, my personality, but they did not know what I knew. I felt surprised, worried, and suspicion. Perhaps it was the way I was taught in school, in college, in all the classes I took, but I thought they would test me with the Force. I though they would ask me to feel the Force, but they never did.

During my tour of the temple, which went on for many hours to navigate the place, I was explained the rules, which I already knew like I knew how to breathe, and the classes I would be taking. Most of the classes, like meditation, and the Force, would be a review for me, but I did not confide them in this. This would be my secret, my surprise, my way to be known and to be respected. The tour ended with the medical office. I had to be checked out. I was checked for normal sickness, shot record, and anything else wrong with me. The trouble was I didn’t have any of the shots that most people had when they were three. What was even worse was I hated shots, more than I hated my father. This hate came from fear, as I learned when I was thirteen. I feared pain, and to cover my fear, I said I hated it. It’s not that I don’t know how to breathe out pain, to accept my natural body’s way of telling me something sharp was entering my skin, it’s just I don’t like pain in the first place.

Why must they always take forever to just poke you painfully with something sharp? Is it because they don’t want to hurt you and they have to go through a mental process? Or, is it because they just want to test my ability to not show fear? If this was a test, I barely missed the passing mark. Sticky, fear smelling sweat, slowly glided down my forehead, soaked my ponytail, made my hands wet, and just made the whole experience worse. My breathing quickened, my body was slightly shaking, and I knew I looked paler than a ghost. I couldn’t control this fear. I tried to breathe, I seriously tried to slowly breathe in all my fear and let it go on the way out. I tried to distract my mind, become conscious of my body actions, and strive for Jedi calm, but I knew all I was doing was trying, not doing.

The needle approached me and I jerked back. I spent a full thirty second scolding myself in the sternest way, bullying myself into staying still. The healer, put a hand on my arm, told me to relax, like that was ever going to happen, and pressed the tip of the thin metal rod into my arm before my thoughts could continue. My brain stopped everything as it screamed bloodily hell that there was needle in my arm. I was counting nano seconds as the fluid left the small contain and was pushed into my body. Then, after a lifetime of pure terrifying torture it was done. It seemed that I had spent all my energy in the reaction of all of this. My body slumped on me, refusing to move, my mind just wishing this never happen and more sweat appeared. The healer, having very much noted all this, told me it wasn’t that bad. I was fairly close to cursing her out at this point, but anger did not belong here or should have been felt. Rather than get angry at myself to “freaking” out over a small shot, I should have forced myself to move on, but I wasn’t a Jedi in that sense. A short burst of hot steamy temper came for a few moments before the Jedi part of my mind reminded me the people here could feel my emotions. A single, but labored breathe swept that boiling steam away.

My healer reminded me that in a week, another hateful, fear building shot would be needed. I strained to keep a straight, polite face as I thanked her for this reminder. Inwardly, curses filled my mind and dread entered like an evil, powerful drug. The healer notified my tour guide that it would be best if I was walked to my room to rest and let my body deal with the vaccine that was injected into me. Again, into the confusing halls I wondered through, following the invisible wake of the Jedi in front of me. My thoughts wondered to the past events, making me question the reality of me becoming a true Jedi.

[JediKaren]

One would think that it would be logical that I would find peace and a peaceful mind at a peaceful building, yet my dreams defy logic. What I dreamed about could hardly be described as a dream, but more of a bloodcurdling nightmare of my past. Imagine a looming, immense figure with the face of total power telling you that where you are, what you are doing, and who you are is wrong to the last degree. Imagine that you are a slave, in the mind, in the legal system and by the values society has placed on this dark man, to a person you forced against your will to call father. Fear, dread, guilt, and shame slam onto your self esteem like the waves of an almighty angry ocean. You protest, you shout, you cry, you fear, and you rage, but there is nothing you can do. You can not deny your identity, but you can not comply with the wishes of this demon. You are trapped, unable to escape the vicious lashes from the words you feel obligated to suffer listening to. If you can understand the fear that a single man can inflict upon a tormented soul, you can understand the nightmare I had. What is worse then the nightmare is the waking up in the small ball of pitiful fear, unable to come to your senses, and have that memory control your thoughts.

For the second time that day, I was covered in my own, this time cold, shivering to the bone, sweat, but this time I was alone, thank the Force. I was told to take a nap before dinner, so my body could have a chance to deal with the dead cells of a disease. I felt sick to my stomach, but it hardly had to do with the shot. My still healing spirit brought, yet again, a memory of my past during the nap. There was no simple breathing exercise that could cure my deep fright. There were no simple few words that anyone could say that could bring warmth back into my body. I laid there on my cot, rather than a bed, unable to find the courage and strength to get up. I struggled to gain some sort of dignity, to remind myself my father was worlds away, unable to reach me, and yet his past actions had. I had spent well over two years recovering from the damage the abuse had done to me. I had spent hours learning to recognize the influences and the signs of my father’s suggestions and commands had on me. All this healing had done so much good to me, but I still fought, still cried, and still feared the darkness within me. I came to the Jedi, to a wonderful temple, to end this nightmare for once and for all.

There was a short, three sharp knock on my door. I quickly pulled my sad self up from the mattress, crossed the room, and tried to figure out how to open the door. There was a panel of three square buttons that I took to be the access to the door. They weren’t labeled, but there were red, green, and black. I took the green to mean “open” and pressed it. The door side open, to reveal the presence of my tour guide standing at my door. She bowed again, though only her head dipped down, and I was left standing there, still unable to decide to respect her show of respect. She told me it was time for dinner, or what they called the evening meal. My biological clock said it was two in the morning and food was not needed quite yet. At the same time, I still had fear hanging in the pit of my gut and thought food might very well vanish the twisting feeling, for the time being.

I was lead to the dining hall, letting the simple tan stone walls calm my swirling mind, to a simple square room, full of tables with Jedi sitting, happily and noisily eating their meal, of whatever the brown meat was. The people seemed happy, like they were well accepted and no one thought twice about who they were, if what they were doing was right, or if they were where they belong. I hesitated before looking for a table. A certain feeling of shyness came about me. My tour guide gave me a little nudge, pointed a close to the door, but alone table for me to sit at. I was truly thankful she had the grace and the ability to know I didn’t want to deal with people yet. She told me to stay seated as she would get my food. I nodded my thanks to her and spent my time studying the room I was in.

So many people mistakenly think I’m terribly shy, which would explain my reasons for being decidedly anti social. These people think I have trouble making friends for some unknown reason. This is hardly true. The reason why I have few friends and spend a great amount of time alone is because I can’t stand most people. Put the ability to feel emotions like you feel the breeze and put the ability to read people like a book in a glance together and suddenly you will find most people are dull, boring, and monotonous. They think they are different, they think they are being themselves, but what they fail to realize, what is painful clear to me, is they are simply the reflection of the group. These people lack charm; they lack any interesting, intelligent character that would make my time and energy worth spending. Because they are boring, they tend to annoy me, so I find it is best to stay away from them. For the times that life has forced me to spend more than a few hours with them, I tend to withdraw from them, or simply listen to their repetitious conversations about everyday life while I sigh in boredom. It is not that I think I am smarter than them, or better, but at least I try to think beyond the ordinary. I have no fear in going down a rugged, new path, taking the lead when none will, or letting my thoughts wonder down the idea few have thought. This is why I have no trouble sitting alone in a dim corner, nibbling at some strange meat, studying the crowd before me.

[JediKaren]

The meal went quickly and I went back to my room to hide, to be alone and to find peace. I had a computer in my room, helping with the feeling of being far away from anything I once knew. There was no internet, slicing away the idea of communicating to my life, to my friends. The computer was so advanced that I spend several hours trying to understand it. It so different from anything I knew how to operate, that it took me a full hour to find a word processor. To make it worse, the keyboard was reorganized so the years of touch typing meant nothing now. It was back to slow and painful on my fingers and wrist, hunt and peck. I decided it would be easier to just handwrite my diary, something I was keen on having for my time here.

Several hours later, the lights went out in my room, signaling it was time to go to sleep. This sign had been explained to me during my tour, but with all the events of the day, I had forgotten. Although I could of stay up and used a glow rod, which turned out to be a big flashlight, I decided it would be best if I got more sleep and got use to the time zone. I took another ten minutes fighting and cursing the computer before I discovered how to turn it off. I settled back down onto my cot. I still feared the nightmare and any other that awaited me in the nights to come. I had to get over this fear. People would question me; try to offer me help, help that I did not want. This was my battle to fight, my war to win. It was my past I must come to terms to. No one could or should help me with this. Besides, it would be showing my weakness, and possibly showing myself to exist of this wonderful place. So, to fight this bout of nightmares, I focused on clearing my mind and letting nothing enter until I fell asleep for a good twelve hours.

I woke up to looking at my time piece or what this strange galaxy called a chronometer, to realize in horror I had missed my first class. I quickly got up, turning around the room, wondering what to do. I grabbed my hairbrush, originating from my home planet, made my hurricane like hair into a ponytail and looked around again in panic. The knock, a different one from the last, at the door made me jump and face the door in guilt. I stared in confusion again at the control panel, before remembering to press the green button. A girl of short stature, short brown hair, with a slim, half developed body stood at my door. She was dressed in the usual brown clothes that I had seen some of the younger students wearing. Her face spoke of happiness, innocence, and mischievous fun. Her young appearance made me guess she was around fourteen and her high pitched voice reinforced that guess.

Her presence was a much needed blessing that slowed my racing heart. A young teenage would not be sent here to tell me off, but be here to help and comfort me in my current state of panic. She smiled at me and my natural reading ability told me she was of the cheerful, hard to get down type, who had no fear about strangers or older people like me. I asked her when and where was my next class, apologizing several times for oversleeping.

“Err..you might want to get dressed”, she said.

I looked down to realize I was still in my nightshirt that was extra long and blushed, feeling even worse than before. She gave a small, quick laugh and said she would wait for me to get dressed. I gave her a desperate look which she responded back that there was still time before the next class. There was nothing to worry about or so I was told. Most new people oversleep their first day here, due the strong sensation of peace the temple gave off. That was not greatly comforting, but at least it meant I would not look quite as bad as I thought. I pressed the red button, which closed the door, went to the small chest that contained clothes that had been provided by the temple. I was dressed in a light brown, close fitting pants, a some what loose long sleeve shirt, and dark brown boots made out of light leather that went up a few inches above my ankles. Looking down at my unfamiliar clothing loosened a giggle from my throat and brought out the tension I had been unconsciously holding. I looked around for anything I may have forgotten. I had practically nothing from home. I truly was starting from scratch.

The girl and I walked in silence as we went through the man, confusing halls. The classroom that we arrived at was of medium size, the walls painted a light sky blue, bringing out even more the sense of peace. There were chairs, made out of type of plastic, or so I thought, that gave some back support, but that was about it. There was nothing else in the room. The people in the room were a different story. The group of students was diverse as possible with species and age, some human looking beings ranging close to my age. Some were busy chatting, some quietly sitting, and some looking as lost as I felt. The young girl stepped into the room, invited me to take a seat and said the master would be here shortly. I gave her a questioning look, wondering why she was here. She acted as if she had been at the temple for some time and would not be in a beginner class.

True to her word, the master came in and instantaneously the class quieted and settled down. I was surprised at the maturity and obedience of the class, but then again my public education has not been the best. The teacher looked around the class, setting eyes upon all, including me, which sent a slight shiver down my back. I noticed that the girl who led me here was sitting in a chair on the end of the front row. Then, then teacher started his discussion about the importance of meditation. Much of what he said was review, something I had read, learned, and practiced, but it was still interesting to listen to. Occasionally he would ask a question for someone in the class to answer, but I was never picked on. I was glad; because it would have ruined my plan of showing I knew nothing about Jedism.

At the end of the lecture, he went into the various methods of meditation and asked us to use a simple one, which consisted of slowly breathing and focusing only on your breath. I knew how to do this almost in my sleep and I was ready to jump right into it, closed my eyes when I stopped myself. Someone who had never done this, would struggle, get distracted, and have problems. I opened my eyes to look around to see if this was true.

“Please keep your eyes closed.”

That was a bit startling. I was not expecting to be watched, even if that wasn’t logical. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wondered how to make it seem like I was struggling. Maybe I should increase my emotions. Maybe I should fidget. Maybe I should let my thoughts just run.

“Relax, just breathe.”

It looked like I already was showing my struggle. I had a flash of anger at myself before I settled down once again and breathed in slowly. His voice was reinsuring. He suggested something simple, the start of a process I would enjoy. He was right. My mind grew quiet. I held the breath in and counted to four. I breathed out the stress the day had already brought. I waited a second before breathing in slowly, letting my emotions arise. I let them build for another four seconds and out they went through my body and to the floor as the air left my lungs. I started breathing a bit more smoothly, though keeping the same speed. I became lost in my own inner peace, forgetting the storm, letting the silence of my mind and the stillness around me take over and become one. I lost conscious of my area, of the people I was with, of the floor I was sitting on. I started the feel the familiar warm tingling in the air that told me I was feeling the Force. Programmed warning bells went off as I realized I could not feel the Force. Speaking of bells, there was a soft chiming coming from the distance that told me class had ended.

I waited for the class to wake up and react to the bell. They all patiently looked at the teacher for permission to go. That impressed me to no end. Truly, I have been too many poorly maintained classes with no respect for the teacher. I was not the first or the last to leave. The girl who had previously helped me, offered her help to where ever I wanted to go, but at this point I knew were lunch, known as the midday meal, was. If this was what my classes would be like, it would not be so bad. Perhaps, I could become a Jedi if I stayed here long enough.

[JediKaren]

Lunch was another companionless meal, with this time a bit of loneliness entered my heart. Even if I despise most people, I still have to be around them. I still feel the need, the craving to be accepted, to be loved, to belong. To stand out alone, to be a loner, is a rough, tired path that even a Jedi feels the difficulty. I was tempted to move my tray to a table full of laughing, animated people, but I held back. I did not know anyone of them and I would intrude where I shouldn’t. I would have to find the strength within for the right time to make my move.

After lunch, I wondered the endless halls to finally locate my next class. From what I had been told, this class would be about general Jediism. This description didn’t tell me much, but got my interest all the same. The classroom was similar to the last one, but this time there were no chairs and the floor was matted with some type of semi hard foam. I was starting to get the idea, the temple did not spend much time decorating classrooms, or hinting what the room may be for. The other difference in the room was the size of the class and the people of the class. I’m not sure how I knew this, perhaps my Force sense told me, but I had a strong feeling I was with the newest of the Jedi students. There was something in the way they nervously stood, the confused, unsure looks on their faces, and the vague topics of the conversations being told. I relaxed a few hairs, knowing whatever happened; I could not do worse than them.

The teacher, or should I say master, came in and once again the room fell silence, all eyes and senses where on the lone man. He had a very soft voice, a quiet demeanor, and flowing moves. He was middle height, lean, muscular, brown eyes with dark brown hair. There was something about him that made me tense up and wants to relax at the same time. I felt a connection to him, and I knew well it was not love of any sort. He seemed to bring out a strong desire in me to give him my full respect. This was a man that showed intelligence and a grace I sorely lacked. He was a man of character, one I would like to dive deeper into his mind. It was all I could do to remind myself I was not suppose to have that ability, and had to drag my mind off that topic.

He invited us to sit down, and only after he started lowering himself to the floor, did the students follow him. This class of students was much unsure of the way things were done and made me feel a bit better about my own insecurity. He started talking about the Jedi way, giving us a taste of the philosophy, the rules, the reasons, and the ideas that centered in the life of a Jedi. He cleared fantasy, myths, and rumors that anyone off the street would have about Jedi. I appreciated him doing this, after spending my time explaining these points to countless people. He gave us warnings and a clear picture of what would come in the future. He mentioned the dark side; bring a sharp pain to my heart. The dark side was a subject I knew all too well, a subject I came here to fight alone. He went on to say how each of us will have to recognize and face down our fears. I was not looking forward to mine, but knew all too well it was coming.

He smoothly changed the dark, depressing topic to one of a lighter side: exercise. Part of our training would become physically in shape. I look a quick look around to notice the fact most of us were overweight and probably could run no faster than I could. I had a second of fear of being made to exercise heavily, showing one of my weaknesses, but that was quickly calm when he said we would just do stretches. I could stretch; in fact I liked to stretch. I have a small bit of pride that I am more flexible than most girls and give me a month of twice a day stretching and I can sit down into splits without any pain. He led us through various stretches that included my arms, back, thighs, calves, and shoulders. He encouraged us to remain calm and to blank out our minds as we moved. The class, at the end, seemed to be surer of themselves, less fearful of their surroundings, and seemed closer to each other. I came to the conclusion these sort of classes is what brings such a sensation of total tranquility and unity.

I headed back to my room, this time not getting as lost as I had been, for a quick shower. I have always loved being around hot water. The spray on my back felt so good and getting the sweat out of my hair from the exercise made me wake up. The day had started out badly, but seemed to be getting better and steadier as time went on. Another soft chime could be heard from an unseen source, telling me it was time for dinner. Dinner was another lonely meal and I felt the need for friendship even more, but I still was not ready to overcome my shyness. My evening was quickly spent by further exploring the strange computer and retiring to bed early.

I had forgotten to clear and calm my mind before I fell asleep. I had forgotten due to the feeling of overconfidence in my good feeling. The day had strengthened the inner part of me, fooling me into thinking I was now immune to the nightmares. A nightmare did occur, ruining my chance for a good sleep, but it was not the same fear filling quality as the last one, but still focused on the terrifying figure of my father had imprinted on my soul.

[JediKaren]

For the second time since I came to the temple, I woke up to find myself curled up in a small, smelly ball of fear. It took me minutes to remember the vague nightmare I dreamt of before. I lay on my mattress for some before looking at a clock to find out I had another hour before I had to get up. There was no point in trying to sleep for an hour full of fear. I little by little crawled out of my blankets and made my way to the bathroom, which they called a refresher. The hot steamy mist of the shower helped clear my mind and think, but the water could not penetrate my shield of fear. This shield of fear was not a new one. It was created out of a self defense program during the years of abuse. It was far from healthy, for the shield let the internal fear grow and fester, while shielding out anything can could calm or heal. I was unaware that this shield had sprung up and would remain that way. Many times we are hardly aware of what the true source of our anxiety because we fear to look at the dark half of our soul.

I made myself get out of my room and walk to the cafeteria for breakfast. I was disappointed with the food I found. It wasn’t that the food was bad, or rotten, or cooked wrong, it was just different. I didn’t see any cereal; there was no bacon, or orange juice. I never knew if the next bite was going to be a pleasant or nasty surprise. I just wanted something that I could pronounce the name of and knew what it was going to taste like even if I didn’t like it. So, once again I was made to take food that I had no idea what was, or really how to eat it, and look for a table.

I was still upset and depressed over the night before and felt the pain of loneness greater still. I gathered my courage and picked a table full of mid teen girls busy talking. I went up to them, tray in hands, and shyly asked if they minded me sitting at their table. One girl, I picked up to be the leader, said that was no problem and returned back to the conversation at hand. Well, it was not the warmest of welcomes, but at least I had not been rejected. I sat the edge of the table, distancing myself from the girls. I was unfortunate to find I had picked the table of the popular kids in the school. It was strange to say that even in a Jedi temple, there were three classes of people.

Think of society as a flock of sheep. You have the loners, the regular crowds of sheep, and the leaders of the sheep. The leaders of the sheep were people that knew they were popular, knew the game of popularity, and had no trouble taking advantage of the other sheep to gain more power and to get want they wanted. Among the sheep, these were people who either knew they were followers of the new trend and wanted to be led or they didn’t know and didn’t want to find out. Some of the sheep would but heads together in order to become a leader, but they were fooling themselves into thinking they could outsmart the leaders. Then there were the loners, the outcastes of society, who were either thrown out or chose to be alone for personal reasons. From my experience, the Jedi were mostly made up of loners who found themselves unable to fit in due to their stronger connection to the Force. It didn’t matter if these Jedi knew about the Force or not, there was always something about their personality that would not let them follow the lead of the corrupt, so they found themselves stranded, alone, and scared.

Apparently, in this temple the leaders of the sheep still existed, along with the despised game of corrupt popularity. I found myself wishing I had picked a deserted table, rather than suffer the boring and pointless conversations of guys, clothing, and gossip of other girls. These girls must have picked up my loner personality, for they did not invite me into their chatter. I made a point to eat my breakfast quickly and get out of there.

I still had time to wonder around the temple grounds before heading off to my first class. The event with the girls had not improved my mood, but increased my dislike for human contact. I knew it was stupid and silly to base the reputation of all students on just one table, but depression and pain makes you think in strange patterns of logic. I found my legs had brought me to my first class of the day, which looked to be exercising judging by the fact there were no chairs in the room. In ten minutes, the rest of the small, overweight class had shown up and two minutes after that a different teacher from the rest showed up. I was privately hoping the teacher, who had shown us the stretches and gave us the lecture on Jediism, would teach again. This teacher turned out to be boring with his monotone voice and uninteresting words. The class sleepily went through the stretches and seemed to lack the enthusiasm we had the day before. Maybe, I was not the only one who had a bad night and so far, a bad day. The class seemed to drag on, but maybe I just wanted it to end so badly, my sense of time was off.

When the class was done, I headed straight back to my room to hide from all. For some time I stared, emotionlessly into space, with no thoughts running through my head, except for visions of the dream. A small level of panic set in, causing me to feel restless, so I started pacing around my room. I settled down to the chair in front of my computer and spent my time that was meant for lunch, learning how to transfer my music I brought from my home to something that could be played on their strange music player. It was not that difficult to do, but I was still adjusting to their technology. An hour later it was time for my meditation class, one I wasn’t so sure on with my moodiness. I could only hope this day got better. This depression was starting to really get to me and my control over myself.

[JediKaren]

I was happily surprised to find out that the teacher I liked came to the meditation class. I heard through from the older Jedi, he was called Master Mirmo. I later heard from the students that he was knight, leaving me confused if he was a knight or master. In fact, I knew nothing about him except from what I could pick up and what I overheard. Some of the students had caught on and were already seated on the floor when he came in. Just seeing him cheered me up and made me feel eager for the lesson.

He took a seat with the class and started the lesson. We were taught about the importance of a clear mind. We were taught about how a still mind was very important. He told a short story on how stilling his mind saved him from being detected by a dark Jedi hunting him down. He tied this all to preparation to feeling and using the Force, which got the interest of the class. He knew we were all more than begging to be taught how to feel and access the famous Force, but he reminded us our mind must be in right frame before we could accomplish this feat. We were given a method of how to still and blank out of mind and told to find a place in the room to practice.

I chose the far right corner. I leaned back on the cool wall, closed my eyes, and started breathing. I tried to envision a blackboard with nothing on it. I say tried, because memories of various nightmares kept popping up in my mind. I threw each on out of my head, only to find a new one came up. The shield of fear would not allow any peace to enter and my fear of failing at my task was growing. I tried to take a deep breath and gain order within my head, but it was too late. I took another turn at fighting the fear, but I was obviously losing.

“Karen, open your eyes.”

I did so, feeling horribly ashamed of myself. He titled my head up with one finger to meet eyes. I tried to look away, but he held me still. I knew how to do this meditation. I had plenty of practice in the past and there was no excuse for this failure. I wanted to show him I was good at this. I wanted to be the best in the class. I strictly hold myself to that high standard and would except anything less. I wanted to impress him and instead he had to take time out to help me. I should not make him have to do this and him making me look at him made the whole thing worse.

“Don’t be ashamed of failure.”

I looked at him in shock. How could he known? How could he point it out so clearly and to the point? Had I been thinking, I would have known the answer was the Force.

“It’s ok to fail.”

That sentence struck my heart and mind, rang clearly as a bell, and made me want to cry. I could not believe him. I desperately, with all my heart, wanted to believe him, to trust those wise, solid words, but I could not. I survived, pushed by myself, got here because I would not accept failure. How could he softly suggest something that was so opposite of my own teachings? How could he expect me to ignore what eight years brought me to know as truth? I looked into his eyes, searching his soul, for the answer.

“Let me help you.”

My first reaction was to shun him out, to turn his offer down, and to leave the room. I did not want help. I did not need help. I could and would fight this battle myself. The Jedi part of me knew otherwise and told me so. I would have to get over my high ego and humble myself, should I wish to remain a Jedi. I took a breath, forced my tense body to relax, and to open my mind to him.

He instructed me to close my eyes once again and to let his voice enter me and carry me away. He spoke more softly than before, just barely louder than a whisper. He spoke of peace, of calm, of flowing water. My mind followed these images until I was lead to a spot where nothing existed. I was aware of myself, aware of him, aware of peace and my surroundings, and yet there was nothing. The soft bell pulled me out of this peaceful state. I looked around for him and saw him helping another student. I stared at him for a second before he turned around and glanced at me. I blushed, got up, and quickly headed for the door and to my next class.

My next class was more like a normal classroom with desks and chairs for the students. There were more students than ever before, ranging with all ages. The class acted something closer to the classes at my home. They were noisy, very chatty, and jokes and teases flew all over the place. The students became nosier as it got closer for the teacher to arrive. The teacher came in, and the room instantly became silent. The lesson began. I would like to go into the details of the lesson, but I wasn’t paying much attention. I knew it was about the overall history of the Jedi, but the details escape me. My mind was set on pondering Master Mirmo, the nightmare, and the meditation. He had such an effect on me, despite not really knowing why I was so upset. Before I knew it, everyone was starting to leave.

I headed for dinner, now starving for food, no matter what it was. I sat alone, not wanting to repeat the morning’s disaster. I could not help, but feel depression sink in again, only this time worse than before. I slowly made my way back to my small, confiding room. I was bored. The computer was still a mystery to me and I wasn’t in the mood to try to understand it. I lay on my cot, trying to understand how I got to be in such a miserable state. I feared I could never get out of my depression and would be kicked out and sent back to my dark home. That was the last thought I had before I fell asleep.

[JediKaren]

The darkness was suffocating me. Everything about my home was wrong, so wrong. My cats looked thin, mistreated, and in pain. The house was so clean and so dim. The lights were out. My room had been completely changed with my stuff thrown out. The house felt like something in it had died. The yard was slowly falling apart. My mom laid on the floor, thoroughly drunk, crying out words that did not make sense. My father was on the couch, somehow managing to block out the insane pleads of my mother. I went to my father, begging him to change. He would not look at me. I was so scared of him. I begged him to help my mother, but he seemed to stubbornly keep reading the newspaper. I screamed at him, with tears running down my cheeks. He finally turned his head in my direction, but would not meet eyes. He said there was no one there that he knew. He disowned me. He was ashamed of me. I was thrown out of the family. I said this wasn’t fair! I had to go to the temple. It was the only chance of a future for me. There was a moment of awful silence. Then, out of no where, he stood up and slapped me hard across the face. I was too stunned to react. He screamed at me, something I couldn’t make out. He smacked me harder, leaving a mark on my face. I was shaking so bad, I could barely stand. He screamed, no words, just pure, horrible sound. It was a scream of disgust, of pure hate, of pure evil. In the background, my cats pitiful mewed in fear and my mom ranted away. He raised his hand again, this time; I knew he would kill me…

I woke up panting, my heart racing, and my body shaking just like in the dream. The fear was so intense it nearly drove me crazy. I was itching to get out of my room, to feel breathe and to have some space around me. I grabbed my music player and half ran out into the hall. I took a deep breath and regain some sense. I needed a place to be alone, alone with my music. I thought for a moment and decided to head for the top floor, to a big room with long, tall windows.

When I got there, I found a small table to place my player on. I took another deep breath and wiped the sweat off my face. It was a warm night. I started off with slow soft songs in the hopes of quieting my spirit, but my fearful mood lead me to darker songs to the last two darkness songs I knew. I danced them, full of emotion, letting the emotion guide and control my body.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

Everyone was clueless to my mood, to what was inside of me. Everyone left me, and seemed not what to have anything to do with me.

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I knew my emotions where a mess. I knew I was mentally confused, caused by my fear.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

I honestly didn’t know why I felt this why. I don’t know what brought on these nightmares. I wanted to end them. I want to be ok again.

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I was alone in my pain. I was silently screaming and yet no one heard me. I could turn to no one..

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

My father blamed me. I was always to blame. I could not, would not fight him. I had no right to. This truly was all my fault. The song ended and went on the next, the most darkest, but truest of them.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I was sick of my father! All he ever tried to do was control everything I thought, felt, and did. I could never meet his expectations. Anything I did on my own, for myself, was wrong in his mind.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

My father wore me down. He was constantly telling me what I had done wrong, making me redo it. He turned me into his personal servant, which he treated so poorly, without respect.

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

His control was so complete; it gave me no room to move, to be myself. I had no freedom, no rights. I was treated like a child, when I was clearly much more mature.

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I could fail at being a Jedi. I could be sent back. I could become my father, who had been abused by his mother, although he seemed unconscious of that.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

The emotions I was feeling where overwhelming. My moves of my dance had an eerie flow to them. I hit all the right beats. When the song ended, I was so still; one had to wonder if I was breathing. I waited several seconds after the song had ended to move again. I went over to the window, being utterly silent for a moment before I opened up my bursting heart and sobbed. My cry was the howl that broke the glass silence around me. My heart poured out every held back, bitten down thought and feeling. I would have cried for hours on end. I was badly startled when a hand touched my shoulder. I stopped crying and spun around to look at who was there.

Master Mirmo looked at me with caring, compassionate eyes. A second of silence went by as I stood there, tears coursing down my cheeks, unable to get myself to run out of the room. He put the hand around my back and pulled my face his chest. I cried, not quite as hard, on him. He gave me the appropriate amount of time to shed tears and then shushed me until I was quiet. I pulled away from his touch, looking down at the ground and asked how long had he been there.

“Long enough to see you are in pain”

I continued to stare at the ground, not sure what to say. He was seeing me at my absolute worse. There was no point in wanting to impress him ever again. He saw that I was too emotional, too weak, too scared. He had to have seen I was no Jedi and never would be. He would inform the council of my instability and that would be the end of that.

“Follow me”

There was no option, but to follow him. We went to an unfamiliar hallway and stopped at one door. The door opened and showed me it was his bedroom. It was very much like mine, only he had a bed, meaning the wooden framework and not just a mattress. There was a computer looking like mine. The main difference between his room and mine is he had small objects around the room, adding a personal touch. He guided with a hand on my shoulder, to the bed and sat next to me. I didn’t say anything, not trusting my voice.

“Tell me who did this to you”

I didn’t ask how he guessed. I didn’t waste time in answering it was my father and that was all I gave. I was in too much pain to explain more.

“You had another nightmare of your father harming you, didn’t you?”

I nodded, refusing to go play that dream again. Instead, I asked how he found me. He explained that the other teacher that day noted my stress and my distraction to him. He knew the signs of an upset young adult. He had woken up, thinking of me, wondering if I was alright. He was restless, so took a walk and heard the start of the first song. He quietly slipped into the room and hid in the shadows, watching me. He stopped there because there was a knock at the door. Master Mirmo got up from the bed and accessed the door. The tour guide woman stood there, peering into the room, looking a bit surprised with her eyes when she saw me. Mirmo noticed this and covered for me.

“She’s just a bit homesick”

Homesick? How could I possibly want to go back to that nightmare of a family? The woman wanted to ask a favor, but she decided she would come back later. When was gone, Mirmo came back to the bed. He said he would not make me talk tonight, but he asked that I went back to bed. I refused to; I didn’t want to return to more nightmares. He paused and told me to lie down on his bed. I gave him a questioning look, but did as asked. He had me closed my eyes and picture a clear, calm lake. I knew where this was going. I had been through this before. He asked me to envision a floatation device, but I was already on the step after that. I felt the warm sunlight softly cover my skin like a warm blanket. The slow breeze brought a fresh, sweet smell to my nose, calming my senses. The gentle lap of the water coached my tired body and mind to much deserved restful sleep.

[JediKaren]

you all know you can comment if you wish?

[JediKaren]

The bed was comfortable; the blankets were soft and warm. The sleep was peaceful and healing. A hand touched my right shoulder and gently shook me awake. At first, I didn’t open my eyes, but wondered where I was. I knew this was not my bed, nor my room. I wondered if I was at home and if there was a cat on my bed, something was too different for that to be true. I felt different. The air felt different. The room did not give off the same feeling as the one at home. At home, I would have been woken up with a voice, not a touch. I opened my eyes to see a wall. The wall confused me. I was no at home, nor at my room in the temple. I turned over and looked at the rest of room and only at the sight of Master Mirmo, did I recognize where I was.

I shifted my body so I was flat on my back. I felt calm, like I had spent the night meditating with him guiding me. My body was relaxed and felt well rested. My mind was clear and simple in thoughts. It was his presence that forced me to remember why I was here and what happened the night before. The memory brought a blush to my face. I had lost all self control after allowing my emotions build up to a breaking point. He had to once again, come and rescue me from my own dark down fall. My mind told be I shouldn’t be here, but my body thought otherwise.

“Come, it’s time for you to get up”

A sigh escaped my mouth as I got up from the ever so comfy bed. There was no need to get dressed for I slept in my clothes. I asked where the bathroom was and got a strange look for a reply. I realized I was using the wrong term, and asked again, using the word refresher. He pointed to the other door near the dark, wooden desk with computer. When I was done relieving myself and splashing water on my face to wake up, I came out to study the room some more. Aside from the personal objects, there was nothing else to describe. The Jedi did not waste money on decorating the rooms. I turned my attention on him, seeing what I could consciously pick from him, not caring if he noticed or not. He must have been shielding his thoughts and inner self, because all I got was his calm, but cheerful mood. He seemed to only show a bit more personality when out of class. I thought this might be a good time to ask a question I thought a lot about. I didn’t know if this would come out as rude, or blunt, but I was dying to know the answer. I gathered my courage and nerves and asked him if he was a knight or a master.

“I am a knight”

Oh. That was all I could think of. Did that mean he had an apprentice? Did that mean he would want a student? Would he want me? I shook my head. There was no point in going down this path of a possible future with him. There were a lot better choices than me. Plus, he was a knight. He had to be busy, too busy to really notice me. I was somewhat hurt by this thought, but accepted it. I said a quiet good bye, left the room, and went for breakfast.

The day went slowly, but calmly. The stretching class was turning more into a light exercise class. The meditation class went better than the last time, but my heart wasn’t really in it. I didn’t know why, but I was hurt by the idea Master Mirmo wasn’t interested in taking me as an apprentice. I struggled with the concept it really was my fault. I was the one who lost control. I was the one who allowed my emotions to flare to that point. I must have annoyed or disappointed him, making him look after a grown woman.

Dinner had gone better then usual. I picked a table with only one girl sitting there, with her plate empty, reading something. She was so into whatever she was reading, she hardly noticed me sit down. We didn’t talk, but that didn’t bother me. At lease I didn’t seem so alone, like something was wrong with me. I didn’t stick out anymore.

After dinner, I grabbed my music player, and went searching for a room where I could get lost in the sound, the beat, and the feeling of my music. I came across a room that had a certain right feeling to it. The strange thing was, the room must have been some sort of training room, for there were wooden blocks all over the floor, scattered in no particular pattern. I came in, turned on the light, set my player down, and looked at the blocks. At the center of the room there was a small clear space. The space was no bigger then what I was use to dancing in. This would do just nicely.

I turned on the music, went to the cleared spot, straighten up, looked up at the wall, and began to dance. I could unconsciously match the beat of the music and change footwork, so I never repeated a move, unless I had a good reason for it. That last part was something that took me six months to learn and to perfect. I used my arms and different levels as I danced. I made myself travel around that area, not just stand in one spot. Because I wasn’t looking at the floor, brought with years of training in a messy, small room, I had to rely on my ability to be aware of where things were on the floor. I had to listen to Force warnings that told me to stop right then. I learned to feel the Force, to feel the area around me, to be consciously looking through the Force for objects and their distance from me. A solid feeling near my feet told me I was too close to a block and I danced away. I was happy with myself for once. I was doing something right, living up to my standards. I was also being myself, not hiding a secret I longed to reveal. I was right in my prediction that keeping a secret from the Jedi was hard to do.

I had just finished a fast, fun song that truly challenged my ability to sense objects as I flew across the room, never stopping. A voice from behind me said:

“That’s very good. Who taught you that?”

I spun around and saw Master Mirmo standing there. Oh no! Panic raced through me.
He saw me dance. He saw me avoid time after time, those blocks. He must have felt me use the Force. What could I say? My secret, my plan was ruined.

[JediKaren]

I looked at him, fighting to keep a confused look on my face. I asked what was that.

“The way you danced”

I drew on my four years of theatre acts to act perplexed. I told him it was nothing special, anyone could have done that if they could tap to a beat. I was being extremely careful to edge away from mentioning anything that would imply my show of the Force.

“You avoided the blocks and you never looked down.”

It was not a question or in comment. I knew Master Mirmo was trying to corner me into admitting the truth. I was not about to give up this fight so easily. I shrugged and told him I didn’t know. I must have memorized where the blocks were. He was hardly convinced by the expression on his face.

“Turn around”

I turned around and looked at the wall before me. I could hear him push the blocks with his feet. He told me to turn around. I saw the blocks had been rearranged, changing the outline of the cleared space. He had also put a block in the middle of the space, which would force me to look out for it.

“Now dance and do not look down”

He played the same, fast song. I tapped my feet to the introduction of the song, expanding my awareness. I looked up at the wall and went into a certain mood I have to be in. I felt the Force enter me, for this was an automatic response I had spent years ingraining into me. Whenever in the past I could not see due to dim or not light, or not allowed to look, I opened myself up to the Force and searched the space for dangers. I began to move, to slightly jump on the floor. I hit something with my foot and looked down. I had honestly messed up and hit the block behind me. I was about to get anger with myself, but I stopped. I would lose my connection to the Force. It was ok to mess up. I was trying to fake my way out of this tight corner. While I didn’t want to use the Force, I couldn’t stand not to the use the Force when doing this. The dance turned into a struggle, an argument within myself. Strangely, I managed to avoid all the blocks.

“How did you know where the blocks were?”

Oh grrr! I wanted to growl and glare at him so badly. He would not let this pass. I said I didn’t know how, I just sort of knew.

“You felt them when you came close to one, didn’t you?”

I said nothing. I could no lie, nor tell the truth. I couldn’t think of a good way to get around his question. I looked away from him, at the ground. My silence spoke for me. I felt the Force, a powerful wave of pure energy that did not come me, but from him. The wave hit me hard, like a real wave from an ocean, across my chest and head. The Force was so strong, so startling, that I looked up, my eyes wide with shock with the realization of his power, my mouth slightly open with awe. The truth had been forced out of me.

“You have been trained in the ways of the Force by others, haven’t you?”

I nodded, returning my bashful glaze to the ground. My secret was gone, ruined, found out. This would only hurt my reputation. I would be kicked out for lying and holding back information. I hated the fact he was here. I hated him for finding this truth out. I just wanted to be left alone.

“Why did you keep this a secret?”

I looked up at him, full of emotion, full of meaning. I told him I wanted to. I wanted to start from the beginning. I wanted to see if I could learn something new. I did not tell him that I wanted to see what my sporadic training left out. That would give too much away about myself. Besides, he should have no interest in me, so the left out information didn’t matter.

“Keep dancing your dance, young Jedi. I will see you in class”

With that, he turned around and left the room, leaving me standing, baffled. I gathered my stuff and hurried out of the room, to my bedroom. I spent the evening writing in my diary, drawing imagines I had seen in my small adventures outside of the temple. I got lost in my drawing, letting my thoughts wonder wherever they wanted to go. The ball was in his corner. I had no idea what he would do. That bothered me to no end. I could no control this. I could no prepare for whatever he might do. I didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling. I was helpless and I didn’t like it. My father had taught me, drilled into me, to do everything I could to gain control, to be ready for the worse. The worse was being sent away from here. That was something I couldn’t deal with or handle emotionally. My short time here made me so aware of, well, everything. The classes were so different and yet interesting. The students could never stop to amaze me with their maturity. Here, at the temple, I wanted to learn so much. I have never felt like this before and didn’t want to end the feeling. Humans are meant to learn and grow. Here, I could do this. At home, all I was going through was dying. My soul was being ripped apart, sized down to nothingness. I really didn’t want to leave.

[leethal]

I'm just waiting for it to end, but i suppose i shouldn't. Have you got this written down somewhere or is this coming on the moment?
And are you as troubled as, well, you seem? If so, I hope you one day find peace.

[JediKaren]

Well this story is more a reflection of my troubled past. Much of what I'm talking about, I've been though. My first month of college was very stressful when I had a bad roommate, no friends, and was trying to convince myself I wasn't lonely. I was also starting to recover from an extremely harmful summer and broke down crying hard to my best friend. I've had to come to terms with the treatement of my father and living at my dark home. I'm good right now.

I have most of it planned out, but I have to write it. It's not going to end for a while.

[JediKaren]

Master Mirmo had not given up learning more of my secret past. He seemed to be stubbornly bent on the idea of my past training. He wanted to know what I could do, what did I know, and how I knew it. For the next three days, he spent more and more time during classes and even outside of classes, seeing what he could surprise out of me.

The next day was an interesting day. There were no different classes, yet it was different. When I walked into the meditation room, I was in for a surprise. The class was buzzing in the Force. They were very chatty. It was only then I remembered what was today’s lesson was. We were going to learn how to feel the Force for the time. Everyone seemed to have an idea of what the Force was going to feel like. Some students worried over if they could calm down their mind enough. Some thought they would be able to lift others with the Force as soon as they felt it. When they turned their questions on me about the Force, I shrugged and said we would see what happens. They were not very satisfied with that answer, so they went back to asking and answering the same thing again.

I was not very excited over this class because this would be another review. What made it worse is I had spent three years teaching Force sensitive teenagers on my planet how to feel and use the Force. At this point, I was rather sick of going through the same steps and explaining the same answers over and over. Feeling the Force was no big deal when compared to shielding, or forms of telekinesis. These students would be excited over the Force for about a few weeks before they were ready to curse out their lack of control when the classes got harder. Since I knew all of this by heart, and since only one person knew my secret, I had to pretend that I was somewhat interested to avoid awkward questions. My only worry was could I fake this? Could I fine tune my control so I only felt a tiny bit of the awesome, unlimited energy? I had spent so many years feeling as much of the Force as I could, that I was uncertainly if I could keep myself slipping back into old habits. Well, as I said to the student, I would have to see what happened.

The class, as usual, became quiet, but uncommonly attentive when Master Mirmo walked in. He noted this and smiled. Oh, he knew how excited everyone was. He knew how much we each privately where highly impatient for this day. He began with another talk about the Force and a story to go along with it. I didn’t need the Force to tell the class was chomping at the bite to be told how to feel the Force. He finally told us. It was much like the meditation we had been practicing for a week, but this time we were told to discover the Force within us. I mentally shook my head. This was hardly how I taught it and I had a pretty good success rate at getting people to feel the Force. Still, it was a different method, and perhaps he might know what he was talking about.

We went to our normal spot in the room, mine being the right back corner. I waited for the class to settle down and focus within themselves. I turned inwardly, closed my eyes, but did not do anything. I heard Master Mirmo give a word or two of advice to different students, usually the ones who had the hardest time relaxing. I heard his footsteps come closer and slightly tensed. I reached out, but held myself back on purpose. I made a mental shield between me and the energy around me. I could reach out and touch the shield, but I would not feel the Force. This way I could say I was trying, but I couldn’t go overboard.

“Let go Karen”

I silently cursed. I had let go! I was calm, at peace, but I did not dare touch the Force. He must have felt my calm. He must have guessed I was holding back. I didn’t answer him, in fear of showing anger in my voice. I heard him bend down beside me.

“The Force is within you. You know this. Let it exist. Let it flow.”

I made myself relax a hair more. I went from muscle to muscle in my body, willing them to relax and become limp. I still would not touch the Force.

“Drop your shield and you will feel the Force.”

Why was he spending so much time with me? Weren’t there other students who could not honestly feel the Force and needed him? I was not worth his time. I was just playing games, games of will. Why was he trying to fight my will? Could he not see I wasn’t going to feel the Force with him hunching over me? Furthermore how in the galaxies, did he know I had a shield? It was not a shield made by the Force, but with thought. I hadn’t much experience with shields, but I knew this wasn’t that easy to sense. He was unnerving me by the second.

It was with that last thought that I felt a strong presence in my mind. I instantly recognized the signature to be his. I felt him touch my mind in a certain place, near the base. Then, suddenly, I felt him destroy my shield within a second. He simply made it disappear like I never made it in the first place. It was shocking how strong he was and the control he had.

“Now feel the Force.”

I gave up. I could not win this battle. He made that much clear. I reached out and found the warm, tingling presence of the Force. I fully opened my mind, letting the energy of life and of mass, fill my mind and body. The Force was with me and I knew this to be no joke. I continued to feel the Force for several minutes before I opened my eyes and looked up to find him, still crouched down on his heels.

“Well done. Continue that for the rest of the remaining time.”

At least he was nice enough not to lecture me or scold me in front of the class. I knew he would keep an eye on me, making sure I did as told. I sighed and mentally settled back down. I stretched out my senses and once again found the ever so pleasant feeling. I did not reached the same level as before, but simmered in the Force for the class.

This was not the end. The next class I tried the same game, but he would not play. He demanded I do the exact same thing I had done the class before and then pushed me to feel as much of the Force as I could. I didn’t appreciate this. I do not take orders that I don’t want to obey well. There was no option, no backdoor, no way around it. Master Mirmo seemed to have mastered the ability to corner me and order me around before I had a chance to think. He managed to annoy me even more, by stopping me in the hallway that evening and making me feel the Force for him. I gave him a deep glare, but he would have none of it. During the third day, he challenged me into feeling all the Force in the room, as well as in the students. Some of the advance students gasped slightly as they became aware of my mental touch. When the class ended I was pounded with questions of what and how I did that. I would not tell them my secret, so I gave extremely vague questions. This did not help my popularity.

The only good outcome of these Force classes is I stopped dreaming. I had no more nightmares and if I dreamed, I could not recall them. I noticed my general mood had improved greatly and more people seemed to want to hang around me or let me still with them during meals. I grew more at easy around people. My acme covered skin had cleared up, I no longer felt dead tired, and the world just seemed brighter and more alive. I wasn’t aware of this feeling, but I stopped fighting the peace of the temple. I felt accepted and part of the family spirit. I stopped worrying if I would be kicked out. I stopped thinking of my father and my drawings seemed to improve with quality. My life, for once, was alright.

[JediKaren]

please comment! don't feel like it's rude to! I want to hear your thoughts and opinions! At least I want to know you're reading it.