The Emotional Battle

[JediKaren]

A day later I was woke up to a knock on the door of my room. I was pulled out of a good dream, one that I was highly interested in and did not want it to end without know how the dream would turn out. I sleepily made my way to the door and pressed the green button to access the door. A woman, one I did not recognize, greeted me and handed me a data pad. I took a second to examine the strange piece of technology. I read the word on the small screen and froze. I was to report to the council chamber in an hour.

Later, I found myself sweating like never before. I was shaking, my bones rattling, and unable to keep still. My legs nervously paced my body in a small line back and forth. My mind was mostly frozen in panic, except for the part that was crying and begging me to go back to my room and hide beneath the warm, safe blankets. My hair was a soaked mess and I could imagine what my face looked like. My mouth was dry, but I had no want for water. I tried to breathe, but my chest was constricted by my fear. I could not let go of my desperate, paralyzing fear.

I was terrified of standing before the council. I was out of my mind with fear just standing, near the door to the chamber. What had I done? I had to be in trouble. It must have been Master Mirmo. He told them of my secret. He told them I had hide my past training, I had held back information. I had broken the rules. Why did he do this? What had I done? Was it because I could not feel the Force when he asked me the first time? From what my senses told me, he wasn’t that anger over that. I could not understand the logic of this possible option. I tried a different route of reasoning why I was here. Maybe I had done something right. Maybe the council wanted me to do something. Just maybe, I was going to be rewarded. I couldn’t explain that either. My mind returned back to the idea of being in trouble. Gosh, I would pay millions to get out this hallway. I could not even realistically think of myself walking through that door to a group of well trained Jedi, who all could read my mind. I hated the idea that Jedi could read me. Yes, I could read them, but I didn’t want anyone to be able to do the same with me. I could not create a shield to protect my thoughts for that would have been considered rude and then they would question why I was trying to hide. I could not show them this terror, but I could not get rid of it. Why was I waiting here? Couldn’t they just stop terrorizing me and just get this horrible event over with?

The door on the other side of the hall opened. I jumped a food in pure surprise and agitation. What was he doing here? Master Mirmo walked in, looking calm and cool as he always done. I swear the man is in love with meditation, for he must spend his whole life sitting on some cold hard floor and not thinking. ARG! How could he be so calm when so close to the awe inspiring presence of the council? We made eye contact and I swear he was about to start laughing at me. I want to do something to him, something to wipe that smiling because I’m an emotional mess off his face. I was also angry at him because he must of told the council of all this. He broke the secret, ruined what little trust I had for him. He came up to me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“Relax Karen. This isn’t your death sentence”

He was wasting breath with me. I wasn’t going to calm down. I couldn’t calm down. I started shaking even worse. Every last bit of nerves and courage fell through.

“Stop shaking and control yourself. There is nothing to fear. Breathe and let go.”
I was so desperate to stop being scared that I tried to follow his advice. I took a deep, calming breath, held it, and slowly let it out. I gathered my fear, my panic, with the next breath and tried to send to the floor. A tiniest bit of my gripping dread left, but returned again with the next breath. I took another breath, fighting to urge to look at the time. I was half way done breathing in when the door to the council room side open. My breath quickly left my lungs as my heart just about stopped. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t go in. I couldn’t face what was in there.

“Come Karen. Let’s not keep the council waiting.”

I still wouldn’t move. I couldn’t move.

“Karen, this is an order. You must come”

That woke me enough out of my fear to follow him. I went into a mindless, unaware state as I walked into the room. The room was quite simple. There were eight simple chairs in a semi circle, with a Jedi sitting in each on. There were a few high, small windows that gave light and life to the room, but couldn’t distract me. The walls were plain and blank, giving no hint to the pure raw power in the room. The air seemed to glow or vibrate or both in the Force. You could easily get distracted and lost with the Force here. The feeling of such power struck you in the face like the gust of a powerful wind. Even non Force sensitive must have vaguely, without reason, picked up the feeling of strength and power. The members of council were impressive. While I didn’t know anyone, but one, I could tell without trying, these were well trained and extremely smart people. The one was Luke Skywalker. He didn’t know that I knew him. He didn’t know everything I knew about him. I saw a boyish look still left in his eyes. He was older, broader, and more mature than I remember him being, or as in my book knowledge of him, but he still was Luke, the farm boy, thrown into a chaos of superior actions.

“Knight Mirmo, student Karen, thank you for coming”

Some woman, next to Luke had said that. I didn’t really look at her, in fear that I would start unconsciously reading her. There was a moment of silence before she continued.

“Knight Mirmo, you came before us today because you had something to discuss about?”

I gave the quickest of glances to Mirmo, wondering what on earth was going on. I thought he had told the council my secret already and I was here to confirm it. Apparently, he wanted to publicly embarrass me before the entire council.

“Yes I do. It is about Karen. She has been with my meditation class for a week. At first I thought she was just like the rest of the students, a beginner at meditation and the Jedi way. I was proven wrong when one day I was able to witness her display of knowledge in the Force. She was dancing to music in one of the lightsaber classrooms, with the training blocks left out. She was dancing around the blocks, never touching them, and never looking for them. I sensed the Force within her and how she used it to sense the blocks. She kept this display up for several minutes, until the song ended. Although she tried to deny any such talent, I had her prove it to me with another dance, and I had moved the blocks around behind her back. She repeated the same level of Force control.

On the first day the students were taught how to feel the Force, she already knew how and with some prodding from me, she showed me a deeper understanding of the Force. It is clear to me, that Karen has had training from her home world. She claims that she wished to keep her past training a secret in order to start anew. While I feel this deserves merit and maturity, I feel she shows great potential and could be a great knight with the help of a guiding hand. I request that I be allowed to take her as my apprentice.”

The room was silent again for a moment. The council members looked at each other, careful to not reveal anything to me. Finally, Luke grabbed my attention and stared right into my soul and directed his words to me only.

“Do you accept Karen?”

Accept? How could I accept? How could I even think about this! This was insane. Master Mirmo must have been out of his mind. I had been here for only a week and he was asking to take me as an apprentice. He barely knew me and I the same to him. There was no way for him to know if this would work or not. He was embarrassing himself as well as me, rushing into this. I looked up at him, questioning him. He looked back, but gave no answer. The choice was purely mine. I quieted myself, turned inward and to the Force. What was my future? What was my path, my destiny? Usually I forbid myself to go looking into the future because I usually saw horrible things, but this was different and far more important. The Force would not hint my future clearly enough to help me see where this path would take me, but I could feel enough that I was to accept this offer. It was the right thing to do, even if it was highly out of taste.

I told the council my decision.

“Then, Master Mirmo, the council grants you the permission to take Karen Nightingstar as your apprentice. May the Force be with both of you.”

Master Mirmo nodded and bowed. I felt a touch in the Force from him, telling me to follow his example and I bowed. Master Mirmo turned and walked out of the council. I felt uncomfortable with showing my back to such people, but there no way to help this.

When we walked out of the chamber, past the hallway, and to the direction of the lift, known to me as an elevator, I busted out what I was thinking. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Was he aware of how long I had been here. Why did he want to take me? Weren’t there better, more promising students out there? Before I could keep bombarding him with questions, he held up his hand and I fell silence.

“Is this how to talk to your newly assigned Master?”
I steamily told him that I wasn’t assigned, that he took me without giving me warning.

“I gave you enough warning of such a possibility. Why do you think I spent so much time with you during the classes?”

I told him he was just trying to get back at me for keeping a secret. I ranted more, demanding why he had to ruin my secret.

“You told me this secret. You gave me information that, as a knight, I felt I must pass on to the council. As for the time spent on you during classes, my naïve apprentice, I only spend time with those who are worthy of my time. You showed great promise and skill to me during the evening of the dance. It was clear you could do more, and wanted to. I was merely giving you the chance to show off. Instead, you fought me, thinking I was trying to put you at a disadvantage. Remember, not everyone is against you.”

I had nothing to say. My emotions were too flared up. I was so happy to gain such attention. I was proud that he saw me of someone that was worth his time. I was annoyed that I could not continue my plan, but at the same time I was relieved that I was no longer living a lie.

“Go to your room, Karen, and meditate to clear your mind. You are free from classes for today. I will notify the teachers of this.”

I did as ask and found myself extremely tired when I sat on my bed. I curled up into a ball and continued the dream I had before all this started.

[leethal]

I'm always reading it. At least you've got me But i bet everyone just doesn't know what to say. The story is great.

[Brilenus]

Direct quote from messenger log with JediKaren:

Greetings once again. I would have replied in your thread "The Emotional Battle" but it seems... almost rude to put another post in there that does not keep to the subject, even if you allow us to do so. Your thread is quite inspiring, many similarities with my life, many things worse, many better, and much knowledge to be gained from it. Thank you for posting it.

This contains much knowledge, and many lessons for those willing to look beyond the surface.

Much to be learned here, much to be learned...


May all go well.

[JediKaren]

It was another day of pacing in the small waiting room, sweating, shaking, and being in state of dreadful terror. The worst was part my new Master, Mirmo, was sitting calming in a chair, reminding me every five minutes to sit down and breathe. I would sit down for a few seconds before my nervous state drove me crazy and restless. I would stand up and find myself pacing again. What was causing me so much stress was getting my second vaccine shot in just a few short minutes.

“Karen, you may come in now”

My fear rose to a new record level when the healer announced that. Master Mirmo got up, put a hand on my back, and guided me to the examination room. I was told to take a seat on the examining table.

“Knight Mirmo, or should I say Master Mirmo, I just heard the great news about your new apprentice. Congrations. If you don’t mind, I wish to talk to you in private about a matter”

They stepped back out into the waiting room. I started wondering what was going on. Why couldn’t they hurry this up? I was in enough torture as it was. Privately, although I would never admit this, I was relieved that Master Mirmo had shown up when he heard the news.

He didn’t have an easy time finding the news out. He woke me up earlier in the morning to take a walk around the temple and out into the forest. I was half sleepwalking during the stroll. It wasn’t until the end of walk, did I remember the shot. Fear trickled in. My master did not seem to notice it until we sat down for the morning meal to eat a bowl full of nerf shaped corn flakes, or least I wanted to pretend the orange flakes were corn, floating in the strange blue milk. I could not be still and stared into my bowl. My master had to call my name several times before I woke up and heard him. He asked me what was wrong. I said I was just sleepy. He gave me a stern look that made me squirm even more than my fear was making me. I looked down at my bowl, keeping silent in the hopes he would drop the subject. He had all the patience in the world and a stare that could drive me crazy. I said I had to get a shot. He blinked and slightly titled his head. He asked me what was so bad about getting a shot. I couldn’t describe the fear I went through the last time. I told him I just didn’t like needles. He finally let that go and said no more on the topic. I was grateful for that respect. It was bad enough I had to spend half the day obsessively thinking about the pain to come. I didn’t need him digging through me, trying to understand my logic.

I was forced back into the present when the door opened again. The healer when to a tray on my left, to prepare the shot. Master Mirmo took a few steps closer to me. His presence seemed to smooth and calm my wreaked nerves. The healer turned to me and grabbed my arm. I fought not to fight to get it fear out of her grip, but she had a steady and strong hand. She dabbed my upper arm with a cold pad to sterilize the skin. That’s when the real panic set in. My breathing became rapid and shallow. By the Force, this was going to happen. This was going to hurt. I had to get away. I couldn’t go through this. The healer picked up the needle and started to go for my arm. I softly whimpered in fear, shaking like I was freezing cold. I turned my head away and held my breath. I could feel the sting of the mental penetrate my skin and push into tender muscle. My nerves rocketed screaming, senseless messages to my brain that my arm hurt. My brain, in response, froze my body, helpless to stop the pain. Finally, the needle withdrew from my skin. The healer placed the veil thing back on the tray and put a bandage on the small whole in my arm.

I jumped off the table and headed for the door. I just wanted to get out of the horrible room so badly I had no thought for manners. I heard Master Mirmo apologize for my quick departure and stopped me as I entered the hallway. He roughly grabbed my now sore left arm, causing me to cry out in pain, and looked at me severely. He reprimanded me for my rude behavior and failing to thank the healer. I gave him one quick look and sent my humbled glaze at the floor. I felt ashamed and hurt that I could not control myself. He let go of my arm and waited out my silence. I gathered my courage to look at him again and said I was sorry. I knew I should have waited to be dismissed. I let my impatience control me. He sighed and invited me to his room for stories.

[JediKaren]

For two hours Mirmo told me stories of his past, while I curled up quietly on his bed, giving him my full, undivided attention. His history was quite fascinating and really explained a lot about him and why I was picked.

Mirmo grew up on a small planet, in a medium size community on the western side of an island. The town was not rich, nor poor, but not very close. Neighbors barely knew each other and there were few town socials. His family lived in a small house with three children and both parents working overtime to just barely pay the bills and provide food for fiver hungry mouths. There were constant fights between the parents over money and the rule of the house. Money was a big problem and constantly on the minds of the entire family.

The family was further apart in friendliness then the town. Both parents were strict in following rules, overly harsh with punishments, and gave little affection attention to their children. The three siblings, only a few years apart, found a bond among each other, for that was the only way to survive in the tough conditions of their home. The oldest of them, became a mother to the two younger boys, keeping the troublesome boy from aggravating the tired and snappy parents, while giving hugs and kisses when needed. The two bothers were close, but Mirmo was never able to bond too closely with anyone in his family, not to mention with anyone else in the town.

Since Mirmo was a small boy, he knew he was different. It took him years to explain why, but he could never be like other children his age. He felt an energy, one he knew was not air, not sunlight, nor the breeze. He learned over the years he could manipulate this energy to cause small things to happen. Books slide off tables or the walls shook when he became overpowered with rage. This ability scared him, causing unexplained headaches, which often turned into migraines. At times, he was able to know what was behind his back, even if he had never looked or knew. These abilities made him feel different and alone. He would and could never tell anyone this secret. His parents tried their hardest to scold and beat this strangeness out of him. His siblings were confused by these strange acts that seemed to occur around him.

It wasn’t until his late teens did Mirmo find out what made him different from the other people in his town. Luke Skywalker, a new figure in the news, was making a trip to his planet. Mirmo happened to in the same market square when another mysterious event happened, brought by a surge of anger. Mirmo was being made fun of his weirdness next to a fountain with a large statue spouting a stream of water. The Force had been growing in Mirmo for his outbreaks in the Force where happening more frequently and strongly.
There was a loud crack and half the statue loudly slid off and crashed on the stone street. The entire market went dead silent and set all eyes on the young and small Mirmo. Luke, who had felt the Force’s warning before the event had happen, raised his hands to direct the crowd’s attention to him. He admitted to the accident and apologized for his mistake. He loudly announced that he would talk to the town’s leader and gladly pay to replace the statue. The crowd, startled and annoyed at the Jedi, went back to their shopping.

Luke quietly approached the scared and shaking Mirmo and led him out of the crowd to a dark, hushed street, where no one would bother them. Luke spent several hours talking to the young man, explaining what and why had happened, telling the boy of the Force. He told Mirmo a brief past of the grand Jedi order and how Luke was trying to restore it. Mirmo, full of excitement and wondered if Luke would help learn about the Force. Luke smiled, but shook his head. H wanted but, at the current time he was just starting up an academy for Force sensitive people and he already found his quota. Not to disappoint the young man, Luke promised to come back in a few years when his academy had settled down and a training program was firmly decided. The Jedi knight gave Mirmo an important assignment to find out all he could on the Jedi, to help Luke learn more of what he was bringing back. Mirmo eagerly accepted this assignment, recklessly promising to bring volumes and volumes of ancient scripts and holovids. With a warning of controlling Mirmo’s temper, Luke left the late teenager to find the leader of the town.

During the next three years, Mirmo worked hard on his assignment. At first he found it hard, for the Jedi and their information had been nearly wiped away from history, but Mirmo got lucky. He slowly found clues and hints of the Jedi and learned to think as the old Jedi did when it came to hiding information. He learned to read between the lines to find clues that eventually lead him to bits of tales and facts a Jedi had wrote himself. It took years of searching little tad bits, but Mirmo slowly saw a bigger picture of the Jedi order. During this time, he found a steady job that allowed him to work alone. He left home shortly after meeting the Jedi and swore he would live a better life than of his parents.

At the end of three years, Mirmo had grown into a tall, lean man, well educated, living fairly well off, and happy with his life. He came to accept his abilities and learn to respect the Force. He was never much liked by the town, but that never bothered him. Unfortunately, he was still an easy target to make fun of and try to beat up. One night he found himself trapped in a corner, surrounded by several partly drunk men who thought it was time for a monthly beating up of Mirmo. They were about to start punching him when they all suddenly did a complete change in mood and in body language and decided they were more interested in another beer, then pounding the young man.

When the men had gone back to their seats, Mirmo got a look around the bar to see what if he was safe to quietly slip out. He spotted Luke Skywalker sitting at table near by and decided to join the Jedi. Luke and Mirmo had much to talk about, especially Mirmo’s finds. Luke was impressed with the man’s work and offered a spot in his academy. Mirmo’s eyes were shining as he agreed to come.

For another two years Mirmo trained like never before to learn to control his abilities and become a stronger, better man. At the same time, he was healing emotionally and spiritually from the rough years with his family. When he was knighted, he privately swore not to take an apprentice until he found me. He traveled long and far, but during the few times he spent teaching meditation at the academy, he saw no one could who he felt was worth of training. He had easily seen the subtle marks of abuse during the first class and instantly became interested in learning more of me. When he saw my breakdown and how I had opened up, he painful remembered his childhood. When he caught me in the act of using the Force during the dance, he had to smile because he knew the lie I told him well. I was a similar image of his past and he hoped to help me heal and grow as a Jedi. It was had been twelve years since he came to Luke’s academy and truly I was a special one, since I was his first apprentice.

[JediKaren]

I went quiet when Mirmo finished the story. I had questions about certain parts of his past, but at the same time I didn’t want to ask them. I tried to ignore my somewhat upset stomach that had been feeling uneasy for most of the story. I figured I must have eaten something new and my stomach didn’t like it at all. I went back to remembering how my family never supported my training and how I was constantly teased for my interest in the Force and what the Force could do. I had learned to hide my training from my parents, learning how to come up with games that on the surface looked like play, but really was an exercise in learning how to sense emotions, or people, or some other skill. I didn’t mention to any of my friends at school what I was doing or even that I wanted to be Jedi. My planet didn’t support my beliefs.

I could easily identify with the feeling of being strange, different, not like everyone else. I never had very many friends all through out my schooling. I never could get close to anyone. Over time, I became conscious of this ability and made myself get closer, but there was always a distance between my closest friends. Perhaps, the distance between us was the Force, or my secret. It was sad to say, but I was good at lying to people. It was a necessary skill at my home when one had incredible strict and unfair parents. I found that I could keep any secret that I wanted to. It wasn’t too hard, if no one even thought you had something to hide.

My stomach started to hurt even more, threatening to send me to the refresher. I looked at my new master. He was also quiet, withdrawn, and my guess was he was in the past, his past. I said nothing, not to disturb his thoughts. I was a natural empathy, meaning I could feel from others and understand emotions since I was born. I knew to the exact point how he felt and knew to leave him alone. This remembering of the past was part of the healing process. One should never try to lock and put away forever their emotions, but occasionally open the box and take a look. Looking was pain, but good for the spirit. It reminded the person how much they have grown and lets them compare the past with the present.

I felt a flash of heat. Ohh, my stomach was really bothering me. I fought the urge, trying to calm my stomach and wait this attack out. No luck. I got up. My master was still lost in the past and didn’t notice me. I was hoping just standing up might help, but within seconds I found myself hurrying to the bathroom to be violently sick. I was about to come out of the refresher when my stomach heaved again, sending me back to leaning over the toilet. The time I came out, I was sticky with sweaty, shaking, my holding my stomach which still hurt and felt hollow. Master Mirmo had returned to the present and looked at me with a worried expression. He asked me if I was ok. I told him I didn’t know. I had no idea why I got sick so suddenly. H walked over and felt my forehead. He said I should go back to my room and get some rest. I did so, not in the mood to argue with him, just in time to run to my own bathroom and be sick again. This was already starting to get old.

An hour later, I was in bed, sweating, miserable with a very upset, empty stomach. I still felt hot, maybe more than before. My mind was buzzing with the story, unable to quiet down. My body was too tied up with the sickness to give me peace. There was a knock that I recognized to be Master Mirmo. I got up from my mattress and pressed the green button. Master Mirmo told me to go back to my bed and be quiet. He was holding a tray that has some sort of scanner, a glass, and a small black bag. I went back to my bed, but didn’t put on the blanket. I was too hot to stand the warmth of my wool like, bantha combed blanket. He put the tray on the floor, next to my cot, and felt my forehead again. I saw him frown as he realized my fever had gone up. He asked me how I felt. I told him my stomach still hurt. He picked up the scan, pressed a few buttons and aimed it at my face. I flinched as a red beam of light passed over my head. He moved the scanner across my body all the way down to my feet. I didn’t feel anything, but I still didn’t move a muscle. He looked up at the scanner and proclaimed I was running a mid grade fever. He took the cup from the tray, went to the refresher, filled the cup up with water and gave to me to drink, cautioning me to drink the water slowly.

Mirmo moved over to pick up the black bag. Once he opened the bag, I saw what I feared it to be. There was a small medicine bottle, a needle, and a pad. I immediately knew what was going to happen. I asked him why he was giving me a shot. He said the medicine would stop the fever and put me to sleep. I panicked for a second, before remembering a Jedi skill. I asked him what about using the Force to put me to sleep. He shook his head and explained to me why. We were just beginning a long, serious road of my training. Our link was not very strong yet. He stopped me before I could protest against that statement. A Jedi mind is very strong and has much will power, backed by the Force. In order for him to control my thoughts, I would have to be very willing. I would have to take down my shield. He stopped me again as I opened my mouth to take offense. In a few months, I would be able to do this, but until then, he would have to give me this injection.

He asked me to hold out my arm. I did so unwilling, but turned my head so I stared at the wall. I closed my eyes shut as the needle went in. I didn’t feel the prick, but I knew he had done it. It was a lot less worse of a shot, for it was short. He took my arm in his hand and gently rubbed the area. He put my arm back down and pulled the blanket on my legs, saying later on I would cool off and welcome the warmth. He spoke in a soft, calming voice, lulling me into slowing down my thoughts and embracing the grasp sleep had on me. I soon drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up a few hours from dawn, groggy, but still with a trouble stomach. I went to the bathroom to vomit. My reflex in the mirror didn’t make me feel any better when I was done. I was pale as a ghost, sweat shining on my face, my checks blushing from the internal heat wave, and my hair matted, twisted, and greasy. I slowly made my way back to the mattress to lie down. I stopped, know lying down wasn’t going to help and went to my computer. For some time I continued my project to learn, play and understand this insanely complex machine. There was knocking at my door and by accident, I hit the black button. I cursed and told the door to open. To my surprise, the door slide open, showing me my master. I took a step backwards to let him into the room. He saw the computer on and asked if I couldn’t sleep. When I nodded, he felt my forehead for two seconds and ordered me back to bed. He got me another cup of water and asked if I had vomited again since he put me to sleep and if so, when. I told him about two hours ago. He questioned me further about my condition and came to his conclusion. The healer had warned him that only very young children were supposed to get this vaccine. The older you got, the more likely and worse the reaction was going to be. So she told Mirmo to look for excessive vomiting, sweating, chills, and fevers. There was little they could do for me, but to wait for my body to adjust to the weaken germs. They were against giving me medicine, unless my fever spiked, so my body could gain full strength.

So the day was spent with me lying on my bed, going through all those symptoms. Master Mirmo was kind enough to stay the entire day with me, telling me stories to keep my mind off the sickness, pausing to let me run to the bathroom. He tried his hardest to keep be hydrated, but I couldn’t keep water down very well. He would meditate for the few times I slept in a fitful manner. By the evening I was pretty weak and stay quiet for long periods of time. My master grew worried at my silence and forced me to go to the healer’s office. There, it was announced I was fairly dehydrated and running a high fever. The healer placed an IV into my arm, but I was so out of it, I barely knew what was going on. All I could remember was my master stroking my hair and hold my hand, telling me something about holding on.

[JediKaren]

As fast as the strong reaction of the injection came, it left with the same speed. I woke up in the healer’s room with an IV still in my arm, wires attached to me and hooked to a machine, but feeling fine. My master was sitting in a chair beside my bed. He looked to be asleep, but I wasn’t sure if he was in some sort deep meditation. I cautious reached into the flow of Force, connecting myself to his presence, and sort of mentally poked him to see if he was asleep or not. He opened his eyes to my surprise, critically looking over me to see if my health had improved. When he saw the shining, active spirit within my eyes and the glow of my skin, his face seemed to relax, telling me of the tale of a long night full of worry for him. There was a tinge of pain in me, as I realized he cared about me that much. No one ever stood the night up worrying over me, not even my parent. I greeted him with an overly cheerful tone to full let him know I was fine. He nodded, but remained quiet. I puzzled over his silence, wondering what it meant. No quick look at him could tell me anything, proving his shields were back up.

A healer came in with a tray of food. I wondered how she knew I was hungry, not to mention starving, since I had gone past twenty four hours without a bit of anything. I looked that the beeping machine and then at my master and knew the answer was the Force. In many ways, I was still pretty brand new to the Force and using it, despite my years of study. I could not think in terms of living with the Force. The Force was still something I accessed when I wanted or thought about it. A true, fully trained Jedi, breathed the Force, and didn’t even think about the simple skills I spent years ingraining into myself. I still had a lot to learn. The healer put the tray down and looked at my read outs. She said that she wanted me to stay the day here and rest for the day. I groaned, not bothering to hide it. I was not fan of lying on a bed, not being allowed to move around when I felt fine. The healer left, saying in an hour she would take out the IV.

I ate breakfast along with Mirmo. He smiled at my groan and told me I could spend the time refining my meditation skills. I looked at him for a long minute before taking another bite of some strange red fruit that was oddly sweet and tangy. I was not fond of lying still and trying to clear my mind. Doing it for more than thirty minutes was really pushing my tolerance. I was sure my master could and would look forward to dedicating an extended period of time like I had to this exercise. Just for that idea I decided not to meditate.

In the end, I spent twelve boring hours lying on the bed, not doing much. The healer had the Force and the Force had eyes to tell her if a restless me was getting out of bed for the fifth time. I was allowed to take a shower, eat meals, and a data pad to read, but other than that, she wanted me still and quiet. Those were not the usual activities of a hyper, healthy young woman. On the ninth time of getting caught out of bed, she proclaimed me as healthy, but warned me to watch out for lingering signs of reactions. I respectful nodded, remembering my master’s orders, and thanked the strict healer for her time and taking care of me so well. She grated out a response, but I knew she was utterly sick of me.

I went to my room, not to rest or play with computer, but to gather my music player and find an empty room. I turned up the music fairly loud and danced until I was lost in the music. I got to the point I no longer thought, my body became one with the beat, and the Force guided my moves. This was a state I belonged in. I was happy and complete here. The rest of the world, the universe could melt away with the drama, the pain, the fear of life. I was here, in the ever lasting now, with my music. Dancing is an art and I am an artist. Dancing is the silent, but much said, expression of the soul.

The day started off with Mirmo giving me a new class schedule. I looked to see some classes had been advanced to a harder level and others remained the same. I still had basic exercising, basic Jedi philosophy, I was placed in a Force class, and a lightsaber class! I saw that I still was stuck in basic meditation with him as my teacher. I looked up at my teacher, pondering why I was still in that class. I thought it was clear I could meditate and I should advance.

“And yet you still can not control your emotions.”

I looked at him, shocked. How did he know I was questioning about that class?

“Your emotions are very easy to read, my young apprenticed”

I bristled at the mention of being called young. Twenty one years old is not that young. Also, I didn’t act that new. Perhaps, while I loathe admitting it, he was right about my emotions. It had already been shown I was too emotional and didn’t know how to deal with my emotions to the point they took control of me. I still felt like I was slide pass getting punished for breaking down in front of him that one night. This must be his form of punishment.

“You will learn meditation is not as bad as you think it is. It doesn’t have to always be sitting still. You might come to realize meditation can help with those nightmares you still have”

I hide my surprise better. I had another nightmare last, one not so intense, but still scary and worrisome. I was disappointed with myself for not overcoming this fear. I thought the breakdown would stop all nightmares, but apparently I wasn’t immune to them, yet.

“The healing process takes time, Karen. A few days are far from enough. We will have many talks and inner looks before you are completely healed. You will have to face your face and come to terms. Don’t look so worried. I will be there to guide you. Remember, I have been through all of this. Now off to dining hall for breakfast with you. I will see you at class”

I nodded respectful. I didn’t want to look inside. I knew there was something horrible dark living within me. I was happier pretending it didn’t exist or at least that monster couldn’t affect me. I headed to breakfast and to a very interesting day.

[leethal]

Will she become a Jedi? Will her emotions take the best of her and turn her to the dark side? and will mirmo and karen finally get together? Don't miss the next "Emotional Battle"!

[JediKaren]

LOL

Here's the next chapter:

Classes started off with morning, mundane exercise class, with only a slight increase in difficulty. I started to wonder why Master Mirmo hadn’t moved up to a harder class, but then I thought about what a harder class would involve and was grateful for the easiness of the stretching and light exercises we did. I still dreaded the day I would have to run any distance. I was nearly holding my breath until then.

When that was over, I went through the maze of hallways that was now making a lot more sense and true to my word; I wondered why I couldn’t understand how to find my room on the first few days. I entered a new hallway, one that held the more advance skills. I peered into windows in the doors to see what these classrooms were like. I saw the floors were matted and knew these must be sparring rooms. I found the room I was looking for and joined a class all milling around, chatting. This class was different from my normal ones. The students were bits older, in their mid to late teens, making me feel like I could blend in and be accepted more.

The class turned out to be a lecture on lightsabers. We were taught a lightsaber is not a toy and never to be handled lightly. In this class we would learn to properly wield a lightsaber, how to fight each other, learn strategies, learn the difference between defending and attacking, and how to fight remotes and droids. A lightsaber was dangerous weapon, capable of causing serious harm, even taking a life. To demonstrate this, the teacher ignited her lightsaber. The blade was truly amazing. The blade meant so many things, power, grace, strength, light, hope, and fear. She held out her hand, rolling up her sleeve, and I instantly, but wincing already, at the idea of what she was going to do. The shining and humming lightsaber was brought close to her hand. I saw the expression of deep concentration on her face. I tested the Force in her and found the Force swirling around her. She took the light blue blade to her left hand. You could clearly hear skin swizzle in the heat of the blade. She held the blade there, causing more mental pain to the students than I think she was going through. What she was doing was absorbing the energy from the blade into her and directing the energy out of her. She also must have numbed her hand and arm before hand, for she showed on excruciating pain on her face as one might expect. When she took the blade away and deactivate the blade everyone could see a blacken wound on her hand. I didn’t want to think how much that had to hurt or if she did this for all beginning classes. The feat was incredibly impressive, but I felt unnecessary and somewhat foolish. The rest of the class did not share my belief and all had shocked looks on their faces. The class was ended early and I was willing to bet credits, as they called currency here, that the teacher was headed to an angry healer.

The other, new, class of interest was my new Force class. I found I was in the same group as the last lightsaber class. The class setting was another meditation chamber, though somewhat bigger than the one Master Mirmo taught in. The class was taught by another woman, who seemed to prefer pacing around rather than sit with the class. The details of the class, to me, were not very interesting. The teacher knew much about the Force, but she was a lousy teacher. It did not help me at all, to say I already knew all she went over. We went over how to feel the Force within us and then told how to feel the Force outside of our bodies. Some students struggled with this assignment. I found it all too easy and stretched my Force awareness to the entire room. It wasn’t that I was trying to show off, but simply to stretch my mind like I stretched my limbs earlier that morning. It didn’t matter, the teacher still did not approve of it.

“Karen, when I tell you to go beyond the assignment, then please do so. Otherwise refrain from showing off to the class”

I nodded and looked down, trying very hard not to show my anger to the woman. It was not my fault that I was too skilled for this class. She should blame my master, not me. He is the one who placed me here. I pushed back my anger until the class ended.

I let my grip over my anger go when I went back to my room. I didn’t want the Jedi to pick this up, so I skipped lunch. I was fairly ticked off at my master. What was he playing at, putting me in a class several levels too low? There was nothing I could learn that was new in that class. I got so wrapped up in my emotions that I forgot about the time. When looked at the time I realized that Mirmo’s meditation class had started right then. I ran out of my room, through the halls, and to his classroom. I took a second to regain my breath and composure. I knocked on the door. In a few seconds, the door opened to show a surprised and disappointed Mirmo. He gave me a slight glare, but allowed to enter the silent room. I kept my head and, settled down in my corner, and began the process of meditation. I found my mind unsettled, rebellious, refusing to let go and be with the Force and peace. My master never said anything, but I knew he sensed this. I was learning very little could go past his eyes. When the bell rang, he dismissed everyone, but me, asking me to stay. I gulped, knowing what was going to happen.

“Would you like to talk apprentice?”

I shook my head. I could handle myself. It was better if he didn’t know about my reason behind my anger.

“Sit down”

I did as he asked. He stared at me with this look that told me not to dare look away from him.

“Now Karen, you know I can order you to talk, but I won’t. I can only encourage you to do so for a number of reasons. I can feel your anger, simmering just beyond a thin cover of self control, so do not try to pretend it doesn’t exist. I can promise you talking will help and is on good way to work through anger”

I bit my lip, wanting to look down. I mumbled something about an apprentice does not question her Master’s orders.

“And yes you do. It’s ok to try to understand my logic. As long as you keep a civil voice and mind your words, no punishment will be received. You can not learn if you don not ask. All I ask for is your respect”

I wanted to argue I did respect him. I held that back. I would be getting off topic. I sighed and told him about the scene during the Force class. I told him that I felt shouldn’t be in there and I was angry at the teacher for misunderstanding my actions. Mirmo nodded, fully understanding me.

“It does look as if she did misunderstand you. I will talk to her to try to explain the situation. For the future, I advise you to limit your practice in the Force to what a teacher asks you to do. Learning to control the Force in small quantities is a good skill for you to prefect”

With those words he dismissed me. As I walked to my room, I noticed my anger had dissolved and a feeling of peace and a good emptiness took the anger’s place. It was true, although I would never confess it, talking through my anger did help. I needed to vent, but I was trying too much to be the proper, perfect Jedi, to do so. My master truly was a great wise Jedi. I hoped, some day, to be like him. Until then, I still considered myself to be young, wild, and novel to the Jedi way.

[JediKaren]

When I think of the difficulty in the classes, I am reminded of the college numbering system. The first classes I had been placed in before I was apprenticed were the 100s. They were meant to be easy and an introduction into the subject. The classes were designed not to cause stress, letting the students grow use to the way of life at the Jedi temple. Once the students were placed or worked up to the 101 and 102 classes, they were thought to be use to our surroundings enough to be useful and help with the house chores. There were plenty of chores like cooking, dusting, sweeping, washing the floors, doing laundry, cleaning plates, and tending the small garden. While no one loved doing any of the chores, there were certain chores someone loathed. Masters and the head house keeper noted these dislikes and used them as punishments for misbehaving apprentices and students. I personally hated washing the floor. It was strange because I didn’t mind sweeping, but scrubbing the floor with this mop like thing on a stick, having to dip into this stinky solution, was far from fun. It involved a lot of cursing from me, but I was careful to keep it very much under my breath.

While my master allowed cursing, he said once that he was guilty of it; he was strict about me keeping it to him or myself behind closed doors. About a week after the angry talk, I was trying to get past a droid, one of the very few here at the temple. I was late to a class, a very important lightsaber class, when a droid was blocking the hallway. The droid said something about an accident and for my own safty it would not let me through. I tried to be polite, that didn’t work. I tried to threaten the droid. That didn’t work. I refused to let a droid order me around. My temper fired up so much that I started cursing, demanding the droid let me through that instant.

“Apprentice Karen Nightingstar!”

Uh oh. That was the voice of my master. That voice questioned me, lectured me, and punished me. That is how I ended up washing the floor with the horrible smell of some time of chemical I didn’t want to know the name of. To make it worse, my master walked around the already scrubbed area with his muddy boots, checking on my progress. It took all self control and strong will power to over come my enraging temptation to attack my master with the sponge on a stick. I forced a polite smile when my master noticed his boots had made a mess. I was tired, hot, for it was humid day, and had been doing this for two hours.

“Watch your thoughts or you’ll be doing this again”, my master said with a bit of a twinkle in his eyes.

Another two hours went by before the Master house keeper decided there was no dirt specks left on the floor. I was too tired to be anger or annoyed. I dragged myself to my room, went over to the computer, glazed at the screen, not really seeing anything at all. Time went by and I had no idea how much. I went into a mindless, thoughtless state, feeling the lack of energy in my bones, wishing I had the energy to get up and revive under the steady stream of hot water on my back, in the stall of my shower. The distance between me and the shower was too long in my mind and I decided to continue my lazy sitting. The door chimed. I quietly, unable to find energy in my voice, told the door to open. No one came in. I called out, telling whoever to come into the room. Still, no one would enter. I groaned as I got up and walked to the door. There was no one standing there. Strange. I stuck my head on and looked to my right and then my left, not given time to see the stream of water coming rapidly at my face. I kept my eyes closed as I wiped the water off my face. I blinked and saw my master holding a squirt gun in his hands. I blinked again, wondering if I was imaging this. No, this was not a dream and yes my master was holding a water gun, now aimed at my chest. I stuttered for words, asking what was going on.

“Getting you wet if you don’t wake up and dodge me”

Another blast of water came at me, soaking my shirt. I stared down in shock, unable to fully comprehend what was going on. I didn’t think water guns existed in this region of the galaxy and I certainly didn’t think Jedi would have them or use them. My master squeezed the trigger, but I moved to my left, into my room, to avoid the rest of my shirt getting drenched. I asked where my gun was and was handed an exact copy of what he was holding. I checked to see if there was water and found it fully fueled. I looked up to find my master, but heard his soft footsteps as he ran down the hall. I grinned to myself and followed. My competitive sense kicked in full time and I was not going to let my master win this game.

I was almost in shooting range if Mirmo’s back, when he turned around, still running backwards, and shot at me. I moved out of the way and tried to hit him. I was no luckier than him. He turned around and took the right hand cross hall. I forced myself to slow down in order to not hit the corner as I ran after him. We traded shots, few hitting each other and only tying when we entered the main chamber where most Jedi hung out. We traded another round of water discharges before looking at the other Jedi. I went deep red when I saw the confused, some amused looks of the Jedi. Master Mirmo, seemed to be having too much fun to much care what the other Jedi thought of this game.

“Karen, it is a rather hot day, don’t you think?”

I nodded, wondering where he was going to take this.

“And don’t you think everyone looks a bit hot?”

Oh! I got it. Oh this was going to be great. I nodded, looking as serious as I could while holding off a fit of laughter.

“As Jedi, we try to set the example and give a helping hand to those of the needy. So let us do our job and help these poor miserable souls out by--”

We went back to back and squirted everyone with our squirt guns until our guns were out of water. We then turned hind and ran out of there, smiling at each other. I could feel our link grow and knew the ice had finally been broken. I was feeling very relaxed around him, ready to tease the daylight out of him, or show him my hyper, silly side. He put a hand on my shoulder, enforcing the feeling, and lead my back to my room to change out of my dripping clothing.

[JediKaren]

A few days later all students were given a day off from classes. The teachers did this once a week, to give the students time to rest and have fun. I decided this would be a good day to stay in bed and catch up on my sleep. Unfortunately for me, my master did not share my idea. He came into my room, we had programmed the door to let him in without my permission. I heard him come in, but decided to stay put under my soft warm blanket, lying peacefully on my comfortable mattress.

“Time to get up, Karen. You can not spent the whole day in bed”

I kept my eyes shut, focused on keeping my breathing slow and steady, pretending to be asleep. I felt the twitch of my blanket, but somehow knew he had not touched my bed. He must have been using the Force.

“Come on, my forever sleeping apprentice. I don’t want you going into a coma”

I swallowed a smile and concreted on keeping very still. I wondered how could I keep this up. Suddenly, I felt a cold breeze on my legs, back, and arms. The blanket had been Force pulled off of me. Oh grrr. I hated being cold. I wanted to grab the blanket, throw it over my head and refuse to get up for that little mean trick.

“You’ve got three seconds to get up before I lift the mattress up and then dump you on the floor”

Was he serious?

“One..”

He wouldn’t really do such a mean thing.

“Two…”

Oh, maybe he really would. Panic started to set in.

“Three…”

I felt the bed quiver and hastily scrambled off the bed and somehow landed face down on the thin carpet.

“Thank you. Now, get dressed. Do you have anything planned today?”

I shook my head. I asked him if I could go to his room and get some reading done for class. He raised his eyebrows at that and asked if I really wanted to spend my day off, doing homework. I said yes and meant it. I didn’t want to get behind. He gave me a slightly puzzled look and shrugged.

Twenty minutes later I was on another bed, Mirmo’s this time, curled up with a blanket covering my lower half, quietly reading in his room. Mirmo was on the other side of the small room, sitting in from of a computer, playing pazaak. He was mostly quiet except for the times when he would angrily curse underneath his breath. I could tell he was loosing tons of credits as the curses got more frequent and more vulgar. I looked up from my data pad when he yelled out a curse about sith mating Hutt and producing a Gamorrean child. I didn’t need to try to remember what a Gamorrean child was, to know my master had lost big time. I told my master to watch his tongue or he could end up cooking, something I found out he hated, for a month. He looked up and glared at me. I smiled, put down my data pad, got off the bed, and looked at his source. By the Force, he had lost severely. He was at minus three hundred and twenty points. Either my master didn’t know how to play, or he didn’t know when to stop. I shook my head and told my master to let me show him how it was done.

“Hmm, like you could do better than a master”

I said nothing, but knew I had played this game quite a few times and had an excellent winning rate. I looked to see who my master was play and to my surprise, I saw Master Skywalker. Oh my, I didn’t think the leader of the order had time to play such a silly game. Well, it didn’t matter. I needed to get my master out of debt. I thought up a plan so good, I could hardly wait. I asked my master to shield my presence from Master Skywalker. I got a strange look and was asked why. I told Mirmo we were going to have a bit of fun with Luke. My master shrugged and closed his eyes. I told my master he wouldn’t regret this.

I turned my attention back to the game. I thought for a minute of what to type.

<Me: back>
<Luke: are you sure you don’t want to stop?>
<Me: Sure I am>
<Luke: er…ok, but you don’t have a good record.>
<Me: So certain you are? Win I will. The Force is with me.>
<Luke: What’s with the impression of Master Yoda?>
<Me: See you will>

I giggled a bit, full of pride at my genius idea. My master gave me another weird look and I laughed at me. This was so much fun. As predicted, I won the game.

<Luke: Oh, sithspawn!>
<Me: Much anger in this one.>
<Luke: Ok, seriously Mirmo, what’s up with this?>
<Me: Clear your mind of questions. Quiet now be, at peace, and win you will>
<Luke: Master Yoda?>

I didn’t say anything, holding my breath, wondering what was going through his mind.

<Luke: Is this a joke? Yoda, is well, dead and I don’t think he could manifest to play of pazaak. Mirmo, how do you know this…quotes?>
<Me: Always with you it can’t be done. Hear you nothing that I say? Now play you will>

We played again. I was extremely careful to not take chances that the Force didn’t tell me where safe. I won again.

<Luke: I don’t believe it…>
<Me: That is why you fail>
<Luke: Master?....Master Yoda? Are you really there? I can’t feel you in the Force. How are you doing this?>

I had to pause. What would the green little Jedi say? My knowledge of the Force didn’t include anything about manifestating, not to mention how a spirit within the Force could type on a computer in real life. Maybe it was time to end the joke and reveal myself.

<Me: Ready are you?>
<Luke: I don’t understand, Master>
<Me: Yoda you seek, yet Yoda I am not>
<Luke: Who are you then? Mirmo?>
<Me: No>
<Luke: Obi Wan>
<Me: Still no>
<Luke: Then who?>
<Me: Seen me you have>
<Luke: Just tell me!>
<Me: The boy has no patience!>
<Luke: Tell me, please>

I stopped for a moment, giggling, unable to sit still. Oh was he in for a grand surprise. Another secret I kept was about to be revealed.

<Me: Karen Nightingstar>

There was a moment of silence. I knew what Luke Skywalker was thinking. How could I known what Yoda had said to him during his training. Was I in contact with the great Jedi and how.

<Me: I’ll turn this back to Master Mirmo>

I got up from the chair, leaving my Master to deal with a very confused Luke. I thought my little trick was too good, knowing later I would have to tell my story. That could wait.

“You know Karen, you just raised a lot of questions.”
I nodded, but said I needed to get back to studying. I grabbed my data pad and went to the door. Before I left, I told my master, his problem was he didn’t know when to stop playing. I walked back to my room with the biggest grin on my face. If Master Yoda really did exist somehow in the Force, he was probably grinning with me.

[JediKaren]

Lucky for me, no questions were asked by Master Skywalker. Minutes after I left, Luke Skywalker got a message on his com link, a communication device that could be compared to a cell phone, having him leave the academy for a week. Master Mirmo was thoroughly confused on what my little show was about, but left it for Luke to handle. Of course, when Master Mirmo came in later that afternoon, I was not aware of that.

“You shouldn’t spend so much time in your room, Karen”

I looked up at him from my data pad that I was still reading. I asked him why.

“Because this room leads you into a depressed and brooding mood. A disheartened apprentice is no fun to be around. Hanging around me is fine, but you can not do that all day. So, time to get up and go to your friends”

I hung my head back down and stared at my sheets. I didn’t have any friends to visit. I still hadn’t gotten close to anyone enough that I could spend time with them outside of class.

“What is wrong? Don’t you have friends?”

I mumbled something about not being wanted.

“Surely you have at least one friend”

I didn’t look up when I said I didn’t need friends.

“Try looking at me when you lie”

I didn’t say anything. I was too embarrassed to say anything. I felt the sting in my heart, the feeling of loneness and rejection. I seemed to be such an outcaste; I couldn’t even fit among the outcastes of the Jedi. Disappointment, guilt, and fear kept me silent. I felt the bed move as Mirmo sat down and sighed. I knew that sigh well for my parents had it down pat. It was the sigh that said they didn’t know what to do with me. They didn’t know why I was so strange, so different. They didn’t know why I couldn’t fit it or what to do about it. It was the sigh of hopelessness. I pushed back tears of the past. I didn’t want Master Mirmo going through what my parents went through. I felt a hand on my calf.

“Don’t shut down on me. Let me help you. I was only sighing because I know exactly what you are feeling too. I’ve been through all of this before back on my home planet. I too, found it hard to open up to strangers, even my own age and species, during the first few months here, but you know what? I did not have a master like you. I am one friend you have and that is a good start. Now you need to find at least one more. Didn’t you have friends at home?”

I said yes.

“How many did you have?”

I told him, depending how you counted either a hand full in real life or several hundred online. The online part confused him. That is when I spent half an hour explaining him as well as I could, what the internet was. At the end, Mirmo seemed intrigued by this communication idea my planet had come up with.

“As interesting as the internet sounds, you still need friends here and now. I can’t order you to make friends, but I do ask that you make a good effort of doing so. Find some girl like you. Spent time with her. Help her out with classes. Explore the temple and the grounds. Get into some trouble. You will heal inside much faster”

I looked at him, hardly believing me wanted me to get into trouble.

“You’ll get into trouble anyhow. Everyone does. You might as well have fun when you get caught.”

I looked at the clock for a distraction and realized it was close to dinner. It was my turn to do kitchen duty. I had never been in the kitchen before and wondered what I was going to do. I asked my master if I could be excused.

“Yuck. I am sorry. I hate cooking. You didn’t do anything to be given this torture did you?”

I smiled and said no. I told him I didn’t mind cooking. I was fairly good at cooking when at home. I knew how to do simple things and mixes were easy. Surely this couldn’t be too bad.

“Yes, well if I get sick tonight, I’m blaming you. Have fun washing dishes afterwards”

I smiled at him and we both left my room. He headed back to his room and I walked to the dinning hall.

[Mr.Experiment]

Wow, I smell a new Star Wars movie.


~Jano

[JediKaren]

lol I don't think so. Might be an interesting fan film, but I think there isn't enough action and so far no lightsaber fights.

[Mr.Experiment]

It's an Uncomplete movie.

Give it a month or so and we got a movie.


~Jano