The Emotional Battle

[Brilenus]

Good point. I do not post, but I make it a point to read it every time it is updated. Great source of knowledge if you can read between the lines and read emotions rather than words.

[JediKaren]

yep. I like to be tricky and you all you getting a personal view into the mind of an emapth.

[JediKaren]

Vague dreams of swirling, misty, confusing feelings that were hazily fearful filled my mind that night after Mirmo had entered my mind. The dream content was nothing distinct and when I woke up, I could not remember what had caused me to break out into a sweat. I knew my sleep had been fitful and I had not gotten a good night’s of rest. My body ached and slow moving. I felt as if I was starting a cold, but when I sent the Force through my body, I sensed nothing that would confirm this. I got dressed and sat sleepily at the computer, waiting for Master Mirmo to come for the morning meal.

“Karen, are you ok? You look pale”

I told him I was alright, slightly blushing at him noticing my strange condition. He put a hand on my forehead and rested it there for several seconds before withdrawing it. He studied me deeply before he moved out of the door frame.

“You look as if you did not sleep well. Is that true?”

I paused both in walk and in thought. I wasn’t sure what had happened last night. I knew something wrong happened during my dreams, but the details escaped me. I told him no. He was not assured by this. We got our food and sat down to eat. I found I didn’t want much. I nibbled at my food and sipped my drink without my normal hunger.

“Maybe you should go to the medbay”

I told him that wasn’t necessary. I would be fine. I forced myself to look at him, grinning, trying to act more awake then I felt.

“Ok, but if you still look like this at my class, you will go straight there”

Unfortunately, that is happened to me. Every single teacher and many of the students noticed my sickly look. My exercising teacher asked me in the middle of the class if I would not like to go to the medbay. I politely told her I was fine. I could tell that I had not convinced her. During my Force class, the teacher who didn’t seem to like me, told me to go the clinic because I could not concentrate enough for her. I stopped myself from glaring at her, but left her class without a word. She had a way to ruin any fun a person could have feeling and using the Force. I refused to admit there was something wrong with me, so I went to my room, skipping the mid day meal, and didn’t come out until it was time for the meditation class. I looked in a mirror, seeing a pale, slightly haunted young woman staring back. I feared that my master would see this, so when waiting outside of his class, I made sure I was in the middle of a busy group, quieting my mind and presence in the Force, hoping not to attract attention to myself. I breathed a thanks to the Force when two students came up to Mirmo, asking a question about the last class. Master Mirmo did not notice me slipping into the class and sat behind the group. We were given a small talk about trancing and how that could be achieved starting with a meditation. Tranicng, it turned out, could be used for various things, but for the class use, we were to do the meditation part of it. We broke up and got to work. I choose a different place to sit instead of my customary corner in the hopes of throwing Mirmo off. It didn’t work.

“You still look terrible. If anything, you look worse”

I opened my eyes and felt his hand touch my forehead again. I felt him touch my mind and body with the Force. I tried to tell him I was alright. He interrupted me, talking in a very low voice to not distract the other students.

“Strange, the Force says otherwise and the Force does not lie, my apprentice. Now, you can quietly go to the medbay to receive a health check on your own, or I can stop this class so I can take you there myself”

This wasn’t fair! I was just tired. There was nothing else. Why did everyone have to insist there was something else? Oh I didn’t want either of those choices, but I knew I had no third option. A sigh left my mouth as I told him I would go on my own.

“Good. Make sure you get there and not somehow to your room. When I am done with the class is over I will come by to check on you”

I got up slowly, trying not to show the aches I felt in my bones. I quietly walked pass my fellow students and to the medbay.

“Oh you. You’re…Karen right? Well, what is wrong with you?”

The healer on duty did not look too pleased to see me again. Her critical eye scanned me from head to toe. I meekly explained to her that my master sent me here for a health check.

“ Hmm you do look rather pale. Any idea on why your master would ask this?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to tell her about last night or the previous day.

“Well then, go lie down on that bed as I get some things”

I lay down on the table she pointed to, nervously twitching. She came over with a scanner in hand. She pressed a few buttons and pointed the machine at me. I briefly closed my eyes. I opened them suddenly when I felt the Force touch me.

“Relax. I am just searching through you with the Force”

Relaxing was not an easy for me to do, but I tried to do as asked. She gentle touched my face, peering into my eyes.

“Have you been feeling tired lately?”

I thought about it and came to the realization; yes I had been more tired than usual. In fact a week after I came to the temple, I seemed to have lost my hyper bounciness. I thought the calm and silence of the build was responsible to for this.

“Do you problems getting to sleep or falling back to sleep if you wake up in the night?”

Yes. Even at home, it could take me hours to shut off my mind and force myself to sleep.

“How long has this acme been like this?”

I blushed, highly aware how bad it had gotten. A lot of soap had helped it some, but it was still pretty bad. I always had bad acme problems and it seemed it get really bad if I got overly stressed. I was very grateful my master chose to ignore it. I told her a date which was about a week ago.

“Hmm, well I would like to rest here for a few hours”

I said nothing, but internally I didn’t want to be here. I would sleep better in my room.
For an hour, I tossed and turned, unable to relax in the strange white cleanliness of the medical room. I was just turned over again when the healer came in.

“Can’t sleep?”

I wearily told her no. I got the courage to ask if I could go back to my room to rest.

“I am afraid I need to keep you here for observation for a few more hours. If you want, I can give you something to help you sleep”

Something meant getting a shot, but I was starting to get desperate for rest and agreed to it. I turned my head and closed my eyes as she injected some drug into me. She put a blanket over and waited for sleep to claim.

[JediKaren]

“Hello Master healer, how are you?”

“Oh, hello Master Mirmo. I’m good. Here to check up on your apprentice?”

“Yes, how is she?”

“Sleeping right now. If you want, I can wake her up”

“No, that will not be necessary. I came in to see what the matter with her was. She did not look well and the Force indicated something else, but she denied feeling ill”

“Yes, she said she was just tired, but a few simple scans show more”

“Is she sick?”
“No, not exactly. Her body is being pushed too far and straining. After questioning her, I found she has a mild case of insomnia, but even that should not be causing this decline in her health”

“So what is wrong with her?”

“I think, although without more tests and question I can not be sure, she is suffering from stress”

“Stress, huh?”

“Yes. Has she been eating very little or stuffing herself? Do you catch her always snacking on something?”

“She does like to eat big meals”

“That could be one sign. Those who are suffering from stress have strange eating patterns. Her acme is another sign”

“I thought it was just her age that was causing it. I had some pretty bad face problems during my teenager years”

“It’s common during the adolescent, but it should be clearing up, not getting worse. Breakouts like her is another sign she is straining”

“Ok, I get your point. Now that I think about it, I think I can spot more signs. She is stressed. What is your recommendation on how to help her?”

“I am not her master, and it would help if I knew what was causing this. I suggest you try to get her to talk her problems and try to relax her as much as possible. See if you can get her to relax before she goes to sleep”

“That I can do. Do you think I could wake her up? Would it be wiser to let her sleep the drug off?”

“It might be best to be there when she wakes up”

Footsteps came to my room. I had woken up minutes before Mirmo came in. Through squinted eyes, I saw the door open. The drug still clouded my mind and kept my body completely still. I faintly heard my master sit down by side me. A sigh came from him. Pain and self guilt stabbed me. I should have seen these signs and realized what they meant. This was not the first time I had experienced them. Stress was a problem I battled constantly around my parents. I knew ways to keep the stress down, but it was hard to remember to do them. I told my master I was sorry. At least, that is what I meant. The medicine slurred my words.

“Karen? I didn’t realize you were awake. Shh. Just be quiet for a while”

I was determined to apologize to him. I bullied my thick mind to focus on our link and sent through emotions a wave of apology.

“There is nothing to apology for my apprentice. If anything, I should apology to you. I did not think what sending you to the past could do to you”

My master had this all wrong. This was a war I had been fighting for a long time. I managed to force out the word “no” to him.

“I do not understand. No what? Last night was very stressful and is what caused you to fall ill”

Oh grr. Anger and frustration at my inability to clearly to communicate to him, flared through me.

“Do not be angry. That will only cause more stress. The healer wants to you relax. Breathe slowly”

I began to wonder who the thick minded one here was. A half sigh got out of me.

“That is right. Deep breaths. Breath out the anger and breathe in peace”

I did as he asked. The healer came in and looked at me.

“Aside from the effects of the drug, I think she will be fine. She should rest tonight and not do anything to excite herself”

My master thanked her and helped me out off the bed, out of the room, and to my room. He carefully lowered me to my mattress. My mind was slowly gaining control and my fiery spirit rose.

“So, how can I get you to sleep better?”

I told him I wasn’t five. I could go to sleep on my own.

“Yet, the healer thinks otherwise. Would you like to hear a story?”

I told him I wanted him to leave me alone.

“Nope, I can not do that until you are asleep. I know, a good soft calming song should help empty your mind”

Oh no no no.

“Come stop your cry, it will be alright”

EWWWWWW! AHHHH! My master could not sing at all. He was so off key it was torture to my ears.

“Just take my hand and hold it tight”

I begged my master to stop. I grabbed my pillow and covered my ears.

“I will protect from all around you”

I threatened my master if he did not stop.

“I will be here, don’t you cry”

That was it! I smacked my master with the pillow. He stopped singing in a moment of surprise. I held my breath, wondering if he was mad at me.

“Oh, so you think you can get away that?”

He grabbed my other pillow and hit me on my left side with the pillow. I thwacked him with my pillow and stood up to gain advantage of height. He was going to smack my legs when I intercepted with my pillow. We began to fight each other as if this was a lightsaber fight, only with pillows. Our fight traveled us away from my bed and out into the hallway. We only stopped with Luke Skywalker walked in on our fight.

“Master Mirmo!”

We both looked up, panting.

“Is this your idea on how to put your apprentice to sleep?”

I could tell Luke was trying very hard not to betray a smile while saying this. Mirmo looked at me with my eyes shining and my body trembling in excitement.

“Well, Master Sykwalker, I think my idea will work out just fine”

“I fail to understand how exciting her will get her to sleep”

I felt through our bond, Mirmo hint to me something he wanted to do. I nodded through the Force.

“That is because you-“

At that moment my master raised his pillow and I was half a second behind him. Together, we attacked Luke with our pillows. It was clear that Luke had earned his master title very much by kicking my master out of the way and grabbing my pillow, twisted it out of my hands, and Force pushed me. This all took about three seconds to accomplished, leaving me shocked.

Mirmo recovered quickly to grab his pillow and attack Luke. The two Jedi tore into each other, using pillows, neither of them able to knock the other person out. They seemed to be able to predict the other person’s moves and dodge them, while coming back with their own attack. The fight was spectacular. I had never seen my master fight anyone and the show he was giving was inspiring. Eventually, they resorted to using the Force and less of the pillows. I watched in pure amazement as Mirmo was pushed hard with the Force, slamming into the wall and falling silent. His pillow went sailing and I managed to catch it. I was standing uncertain when Master Skywalker turned on me.

“You could surrender for him”

I grinned, knowing I was no match, and told him not a chance. With a cry, I attacked Luke, using every ounce of strength, skill, and speed. I ignored his hard smacks, calling on the Force to help me out. I avoided many of the attacks, but only the soft ones. A pillow was slammed into my gut and I fell to my knees, trying to remember how to breathe.

“We surrender. I think I’ve worn her out enough”

True to his words I unconsciously let out a loud yawn. Mirmo was slowly standing up.

“Ok Karen, get into bed and stay there”

I did not want to glare in front of Master Skywalker, but did look at my master pointly. I went into my room, changed for sleep, opened my door to tell my master good night and left the door slightly jarred to hear what the two Jedi were talking about.

“She’s rather stressed. The healer wants her to get better nights of sleep. So- will you hold on one second? Karen, you have five seconds to get into bed, lay still, eyes closed, and pretend that you were asleep the whole time”

I raced, somehow managed to do all that and kept a straight face when I heard the door slide open.

[Mr.Experiment]

*Turns into Book and makes millions*


~Jano

[JediKaren]

Using every skill, empathy, telepathy, scanning, linking, and what ever else the Force would provide, I came to the conclusion, my master was embarrassed. He seemed to feel a bit guilty for letting me stressing out until the stress affected my health. He hid his embarrassment, by replacing it with a stubbornness I had never observed before. Every night he made me clear my mind out before going to bed. He refused to let me get too worried about anything and demanded several times a day to know how I felt. This new regime did not go over well with me. I understood and even privately thanked him for wanting to look after me, but he was pushing the limit of what I would tolerate. When he announced a week after the new intense meditations that he wanted me to take down all shields, I stood my ground and refuse to obey.

“Karen, this is no an option. I want all shield removed”

I looked at him with hard, determined eyes, shaking my head. I asked him why he would request such an order.

“Because you are still resisting me”

Gee, I wonder why? I was not one to be very open with her emotions and when pried into, I tended to close up even more. The more Mirmo pushed, the more I would resist. Why couldn’t he understand that?

“This is for your own good. Now take down your shields”

I glared at him, wills silently, but powerfully clashing against each other. He would not make me do this. I had the right to keep my shields. If he could not respect that right, then he didn’t need to train me.

“You can take this to Master Skywalker if you want, but you will heard the same speech from him as you have from me”

I was so angry, so offended by his tone, that I turned heel and marched up to Luke’s office. I was steaming the whole way, full of certainty that I was in the right and my master was wrong. When the door opened, I experienced the world’s quickest emotional drain. My internal strength left, my pride fled, my certainty crumbled, and doubt took its place. In a flash I realized how childish whining about a simple order would make me look. I was being immature, unconsidered, and what is worse, self centered. Well, as I told myself, it was too late to back out now. Perhaps, good could come from this somehow.

“Hello Karen. How are you? What brings you to my door?”

With this new feeling, my voice seemed to wobble and my ability to form sensible sentences disappeared. I stuttered out I wanted to talk about something Mirmo wanted me to do that I disagreed with.

“Is that so? Well, take a sit and we will talk”

I entered his office which contained a wooden, elegantly carved desk, with a chair behind and in front of it. There was a book case full of various items, all related to the Jedi. I noticed a small stick, like a cane was on one self. I knew who once had that stick and mentally smiled. Even on this remote, hot jungle like planet, I could not escape him. I sat on the edge of the wooden chair. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I knew was in the wrong.

“So what did Master Mirmo asked you to do?”

Take down my shields. That answer refueled my anger towards my master. The emotion wasn’t a fiery, must get back at him, feeling, but a simmering this isn’t fair feeling. I raised my head, once again knowing I stood a fighting chance of overruling my master’s unreasonable order.

“Did he tell you why he wanted you to do this?”

I didn’t have a direct answer that my master explained to me, but I was bright enough to know why. I told Luke that he wanted to search through my emotions. I felt this was an evasion of my entitled privacy.

“I would hardly call it an evasion. I think he is doing to it help you. I recall that Mirmo took you as his apprentice in order to help you. He told me you were suffering from a childhood of parent abuse, from your father I seem to recall. The day of our pillow fight he told me of how you were physically suffering from the stress. You have been hiding yourself and your emotions from him and all Jedi. This is not healthy for anyone, especially a Jedi. To hide is to lie. A Jedi does not lie to anyone. A Jedi does not lie to herself either. When you hide your emotions from him, you trespass on his ability to trust you. If you can not be trusted, then he has to tighten your freedom of privacy. Perhaps, if you willfully do as he asks, you will heal and when you heal you will regain his trust. It is done in order to help you”

I blinked and then once again. This was not an answer I was expecting. The thought of Master Mirmo not trusting me hurt deeply. I wanted to say that I trusted him with all my heart, but I could not bring myself to that lie. If I trusted him, I would not be here. I would have not let myself get in this position. My mood fell. I could not trust a Jedi. I could not trust anyone. Trust was a hard thing to give. Time after time I gave trust and found people would use it, ruin it, and never give it back. I learned not to trust anyone, to always put a distance between them. It was only for my protection. Things had changed. I was with people who lived a life of honesty. I lived with people who truly wanted to help me and never cause me harm. Why could my heart not see that? Why couldn’t I open myself to Jedi. I looked up and saw Luke knew all of this.

“Please give him a chance”

I silently, humbly nodded.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

I shook my head. I needed to go back to my room and think about this.

“Then I have one concern I would like to discuss”

I slightly tilted my head in confusion. What had I done wrong?

“No, you have not done anything wrong. I just want to know how you know Maser Yoda”

[leethal]

yoda!

[JediKaren]

lol....yeah I like him too...but he doesn't play a part in this story...well not in a direct way.

[leethal]

nah, i was just yoda'ing. carry on

[JediKaren]

lol well the problem is just is considered to be a fun thing and fun things only get to be done after I've done all my other non fun things like taking care of this site. So when I get caught up (if ever) I'll post the next chapter.

[JediKaren]

I tried to swallow, but with a dry mouth there was nothing to swallow. My eyes darted around the room, to the floor, to Luke’s face, back down to the floor, over the walls, and finally to the bookcase, where the sane laid. Curious, I asked Luke if that cane really once belonged to Master Yoda.

“Yes…but that will not get you out of answering my question. How did you know him? He died before you were born”

Again my eyes roamed the room. I couldn’t answer that question truthfully and I had just been given a lecture on Jedi honesty. To give the true answer may ruin carefully laid out plans of fate and future. Besides, I wasn’t sure if I had the permission of certain individuals to honestly answer. Instead, I told Master Skywalker that while he had my complete respect, I could not answer at this time. I involuntary tried to swallow again, still with no success. I silently prayed that Luke would respect my wish and not pry further into forbidden grounds.

Luke, with his intense blue eyes, searched me much like he did during the council meeting. I vaguely felt his presence brush against my conscious. I mentally stiffened, trying desperately to resist the urge to throw him out. Seconds, or possibly hours pasted before he withdrew from my mind. What had he seen? Did he discover my secret? I searched his face, calling upon all Force abilities to help, but he hid himself well. There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do. It was all up to him.

“That is all. You may go now if you nothing else to say”

So it was done. He did not seem angry or happy, but possibly a bit disappointed. A twinge of guilt shot through my heart. It was hardly fair for me. It wasn’t like I had a choice in this. I wanted to tell Luke of my grand, glorious secret. It was a secret that brought boundless wonder, excitement, and joy, but without permission, I could not tell him. When Luke could be finally told, I was sure he would understand my reasons for withholding this information from him.

I wondered the halls, slowly in the direction of my room. I had no real plan as to what to do. I was moody, in a foul mood and terribly anti social. I discovered I was brooding again, something Master Mirmo was heavily against. I sighed, remembering why I even came to Luke. Mirmo would be happy, I would not. He now had complete right to do whatever he wanted with me. I shuttered at that thought. No being should have control over another like that. It makes it too easy to abuse the right. That is what happened back with my parents. They felt they had the complete right to do anything they wanted with me, no matter what it did to me. I could only hope my master understood the power and responsibility he held in his hands. Perhaps, if I just did as my master asked, all of this would get over as quickly as possible, saving my ego and pride. Of course, that went against my basic belief of life. I lived a life of rebellion, always looking for a way around the rules, without getting caught. I fought for a life of freedom, of choice, and the right to enjoy myself. To give in, to do as order, to obey the rules, would mean to give up what was rightfully mine. How could I know if I obeyed Master Mirmo’s orders, I wouldn’t loose that freedom? The question tore at my heart, tearing me in pieces.

“Hello Karen”

Curses filled my head. Why did he always just have to appear when I was thinking about it? Oh this stupid link. It ruins any privacy a girl might want.

“So, what did Master Skywalker have to say?”

Oh, that son of a sith who is related to Jabba the Hutt’s cousin who-

“Careful, my dirt mind apprentice. I hear the mop calling your name”

Shot and ate his mother and was proud enough to brag to the entire galaxy.

“You must really like the smell of the floor cleaner”

Ok, so cursing him out wouldn’t help the situation, although it did fitful my angry need to vent. I told him that Skywalker requested that I do as ordered.

“I thought so”

A smirk was on the edge of his mouth. I knew he was dying to tell me “I told you so”, but he held back. I poked him in the ribs, just out of spite.

“Hey, what was that for?”

I smiled sweetly and told him he wasn’t the only one that could read minds and emotions. We ended up chasing each other, poking when we got a chance, down the hall and into my room.

[JediKaren]

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone,
I walk alone,
I walk alone,
I walk a....

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me,
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating,
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me,
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

One, two, three, four, pivot. One, two, three, four, pivot. Back step, followed with a forward step, stop, one, two, one two three, turn right, stop. Back cross with left, stop, balance, spin and one, two, three, four.

“An interesting song with interesting moves”

One, two, stop, turn and look. Master Mirmo stood at the door way of a sparring room I was using to dance in. I crossed the room to turn off the music, good thing because the song almost got to the curse word, something I didn’t feel comfortable with my master hearing.

“I gather you are feeling alone with the phrase ‘I walk alone’?”

I shook my head. It was hardly that. The song, in my opinion was about being a loner and not needing to depend on others. I danced a proud dance to that song, for to me, it was about inner strength. Yet, at the same time, the person hinted that while they wish to be alone, at times they want someone to be close to them is distance and relation. I tried to explain that to my master. He turned over the idea silently for a few minutes and nodded.

“As long as you don’t use the song to express any depression or anxiety, then I see no harm”

I bit my lip. The truth be told, I was using the song to express a certain emotion that was eating its way through me. Though, if I told Mirmo, I would be thoroughly questioned in ways I was sick. I smiled a bit, looking innocent, hoping he would drop this and change subjects.

“So, how are your classes coming, besides my meditation class, which you will be happy to know I see you are progressing in?”

My face fell and my fake smile faded. This was hardly the topic I wanted him to switch to. The real trouble with me was there was a lightsaber test in two days time that I had to pass if I wanted to advance in my training. These practical tests always made me ever so nervous. There was no way to fake my way through it, somehow showing I knew more than I really did. I either could do the moves or not. Furthermore, I would be at the mercy of the teacher, who did not seem to like me or dislike me, giving me no advantage. This was our first test, so no one knew anything about how it would proceed, leaving me uneasy and unprepared. I had practiced during class, and while not the worst in the class, I was not the best either. There was no way to know what the standard of the passing level. So, out of frustration and falling of nerves, I came to the sparring room to dance the feeling out.

“Karen?”

I shook my head a bit, clearing out my distracting thoughts. I had to think of something quick, before he realized I was hiding from him.

“I know that look. Might as will spill it before I go looking for the true answer, in a way you will not like”

I grimaced. He was referring to reaching into my thoughts and looking for himself. We had come to an agreement over the last week to not go into my mind unless I was lying or trying to hide something. If I would respect his requests, he would respect my request of privacy of my mind. A sigh escaped me as I tried to gather my thoughts and emotions to explain the situation to him. My master was patient enough, willing to give an encouraging nod now and again when I painfully paused. I still had trouble sharing my emotions to him when I didn’t want to in the first place. He came close to me and put a kind hand on my shoulder, looking pleased with me when I finished my tale.

“Thank you for being open and honest with me. It warms me so to know you are able to do this”

A blush came to rosy my cheeks. It was stupid of me to give him such trouble over a nonsense matter. Tests were not of my strength and to be offered help was something I should thank him for.

“I will have you know you are not the first to sweat a lightsaber test. I remember Luke testing my group. I spent hours before hand endlessly practicing both mentally and physically the moves that would be required of us. I will not tell you how it ended yet, but let me assure you, you will do fine. But, for nerves sake, go over your moves here, in front of me, and let me judge you and offer a tip or two”

I went slightly pale. He had never been to any lightsaber class of mine and I was not use to him watching me practice. I grabbed a sparring stick, for no one was allowed to use a lightsaber yet. This test would prove us trustworthy enough to be given a lightsaber or not. I took a step into the center of the room, took a breath, raised my stick and began.

[leethal]

hihi.. raised my stick... hihi...

will someone shut me up?
i shouldn't be allowed in forums!

[leethal]

moooooore! i want mooooooreeee!! muahahahahaha!

[JediKaren]

lol ok ok...ye who is impatient! I'll see if I can get the next chapter done by tomorrow, but I am a bit stuck on the sword moves part....