The Emotional Battle

[JediKaren]

Because I had never done kitchen duty before, I was given the job to set the dinning hall up. I was to put the linens on the tables, organize and lay out the silver wear, get the plates and glasses out, and put the fresh, hot food, out on the serving tables. I didn’t mind the work for it was easy. Cooking would be a bit hard, seeing how I barely know the names of most foods I eat and have never cooked with them. Once I was done, I was told to hang around the kitchen and eat there. For some reason, the kitchen staff wanted the helpers out of the way and away from the view of the people eating. I grabbed some food, a wall to lean against and starting digging into my food.

“Hey”

I looked up from my plate of food to see a small, young looking girl, to realize I had met her before. She had on an off white tunic and pants, short blond, fine hair that glinted in the light. Her figure was small and under developed. She wore a lightsaber on the right hand side of her black metal belt. There was something about her that ringed a bell, but I could not place a finger on it. I thought for a minute, before the answer came to me. I asked her if she was the same girl who showed me to my class on my first day. She beamed a yes.

“I’m Lyn Offee”

I blinked for a second and wondered where I had heard that name. It took me a second to remember reading about a young Jedi Knight who died in the Clone Wars with the same last name. I asked her if she was related to that knight.

“Yes I am. I’m Lyn Racqel Offee. My family was very lucky to escape the massacre of the Jedi by the evil Emperor”

Funny, my middle name was the same! My mind instantly took flight of a thousand different, hopeful ideas and questions. I asked her where was she from.

“I am from the outer rim. My family moved as far away as they could when they were connected to the Jedi”

I told her I too was from the outer rim, although not revealing I was from Earth. It would be too hard to explain a planet that wasn’t even mapped on the charts. This was really cool how we so far had a lot in common. I asked her how old she was and how long she had been here.

“Well everyone presumes I’m fourteen, but really I’m eighteen. I know I’m short and my body doesn’t look like it has caught up with my age, but really I am. As for how long, I’ve been here for a bit over a year. When I discovered my Jedi heritage I got the courage to connect this academy and ask if I could join. Master Skywalker researched my family and personally came to my home to pick me up. He was very interested to read some of the old data pads the family had managed to find from the Emperor.”

Wow, this was great. She was so interesting, so different. There was no hint of popularity in her. She may have been a few years younger than me, but she acted nearly my age. Maybe she could be my first friend.

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten your name”

I told her my name was Karen Racqel Nightingstar. I told her part of my past, how I was the first Jedi of my family, how I was interested in Jedi for years and discovered on my own, my Force sensitivity. Lyn was taking my every word in. She seemed to like me as a friend. I got a hint from my abilities; she was lonely like me and was glad to have found someone similar to her. This was a great sign.

“Hey, do you want to sit down at one of the table and finish dessert? I don’t think the cooks would mind”

I nodded and followed her into the dinning room. Several people nodded and greeted her as she walked through the aisles. Maybe, she only felt lonely and didn’t know how many people knew her. I knew how that felt. One generally doesn’t know what one has until it is taken away. I looked around the hall, recognizing a few faces of students and teachers. I spotted my master, alone at a table near a dim wall. He gave the girl I was following a questioning look. I could not help, but smile at the thought I made a friend. Mirmo seemed to understand my smile and looked at me approvingly.

We were still talking long after we had finished our dessert. My master came up to us, asking who my new friend was, how was she doing, and what were we doing. I told my master we were about to go to my room to work on some homework together. He smiled, told me good luck as if he didn’t think we would get anything done, and left us to continue our chatter. He was right in that little work got done. We ended up talking about most everything from lightsabers, to forests, to guys. My master had the ill timing to come in the middle of a pretend cat fight, a literal one at that. Lyn and I were hissing, growling, and playfully batting hands at each other. When the door opened, we both turned and hissed at Master Mirmo. Mirmo stood still, obviously surprised and unable to figure out what he had done to deserve this. Lyn and I broke out in uncontrollable squealing giggles. Mirmo smiled at our silliness and said he would leave us to act in our beastly ways. We stayed up late that night, not wanting to end the fun. Eventually, our yawns brought us to our common sense and we parted ways.

[leethal]

so women do play with each other! HA!

[JediKaren]

Lyn got up very early that morning and woke up me. I have never been a morning person and when I opened the door, I greeted her with a big yawn and a grunt for “hello, good morning”.

“Hi, sleepy head. May I come in?”

I shuttled back to my bed and she stood there, clean, eager and far too awake for my liking. I heavily sat down, letting let legs go limp and slump my back. I pushed back a thought of throwing a pillow at her, demanding that she wiped that hyper grin off her face.

“I just overheard someone talk about a water blaster fight you and your master had. Did you all really spray everyone in the main chamber?”

I nodded slowly, eyes closed; really wishing I could go back to sleep, but knowing it was too late for that. I replayed the scene in my head, smiling at my craziness.

“How did that start?”

Gee this girl was full of questions. I told her how Master Mirmo squirted me in the face and led me on a chase. Lyn laughed at the idea.

“You’re not going to let that stand are you? You can’t just let him take surprise of you all the time!”

I yawned again, thinking how warm I had been. I tried to remember what dream I was having. I looked up and saw Lyn was still standing there, even more wild and happy as ever. I started to complain to her that it was too early and stopped. That was it. My master was still asleep. Oh, the thought was far too brilliant. My eyes shined with glee and my body trembled in excited of a fast forming plan. I went over to my refresher and grabbed my water blaster that Mirmo gave to me. I showed Lyn my gun and asked her where we could get another. She paused for a second, grabbed my hand and raced out of the room. We went to a part of the temple that I had never been in, but full of all sort of droids, gun, lightsabers, and weapons of all kinds. She went to the far hand corner and dug around in a bin. After several minutes she made a sound of success and tossed me another water gun. So, that is where Master Mirmo got them in the first place. We proceed back to my room and filled the guns up. I went over my plan with her making some suggestions and headed back out of my room.

When we got to the knight’s hall, we were careful to walk quietly and slowly. We each stood by the side of his door and she backed about ten steps away, or not immediately noticeable if you looked right out the door. I knocked three loud times and scurried back. We heard a soft grunt of Mirmo and then the footsteps to the door. I held my breath and tried hard to calm down. It would not do if he sensed my excitement. The door slide opened and it took all self control not to act. He seemed groggier than I was, and stood there for three seconds, not even looking. Could he move any slower? Finally he woke up enough to look around. Lyn and I gave a cry, aimed, and fired a strong blast of water at him for ten seconds before he backed into his room. We turned around and took the opposite sides of hallway, turning corners, and met back in my room. As we ran I heard, distantly and yet like he was right next to me, cursing us out, trying and failing to find his gun. I grinned, knowing we had won. We quickly dumped the guns and ran for the dinning hall where I knew my master could not dare enter with a water blaster.

As we sat down at one of the tables, it was too early for breakfast to be served; we talked about what we did and what went wrong. I got to the part of the story where Mirmo us out and couldn’t find his gun. Lyn slightly titled her head in confusion.

“He did? I didn’t hear that”

I repeated what he said to her and she still was confused, if not even more. I began to doubt myself and wondered if it was not my imagination.

“Don’t doubt it. I’m sure you heard it”

I asked her how I could hear it, but not her. She asked me what he sounded like. I told her it was strange. It was like he was at a distance, or his voice was distance, not clear of defined. At the same time, it felt like a feeling of his words, a suggestion of his thoughts. I shook my head and wondered if I was going crazy.

“You’re not crazy. You’re hearing him through telepathy. It’s a mind meld. You must have a strong bond with him to communicate like that. It’s very rare for the bond to grow so fast. Normally, it takes months for a master and apprentice to be that close. You two are special”

I tried to deny it. I was never special. I was a no one. I had always been a no one. I never did anything worth knowing. I might have powers, but powers didn’t make you famous, or rich like everyone thinks. If anything, powers that are not seemingly natural just make you weird and easy to ignore. Society doesn’t like anything out of the ordinary, even if these powers are nothing to fear. As for telepathy, it took me several tries to come to terms. I had some experience with the ability to communicate through the Force, but never on this scale. At best, I could send to a Force sensitive knowing person, a thought like a color, a number, or a shape and they would clearly receive it. Receiving wasn’t as easy, mostly because the sender was never that skilled. I wondered if Master Mirmo was aware of this bond and knew that he sent me that message. Maybe, he didn’t know we had a link together or that his thoughts were open to me.

“Try sending something to him”

I closed my eyes, relaxed myself by taking a few deep breaths, and cleared my mind. I opened and gathered the Force around me. I pictured him in my head, as clear as I could, and send a tendril of the Force to him. I felt the connection. I allowed myself to become him for a second to strengthen the bond. I felt something through the bond, like awareness in him. Through the connection, I felt him feel me out and the surprise he had. Wow, I could feel his emotions to the exact degree. This was amazing. I needed to send him a message, something simple and easy to understand. I thought about greeting him, but that would be too hard. Then I got this great idea. I pictured the water gun and send the image, while clearly thinking the word to him. I felt an emotional reaction from him, but no words. It was like trying to speak underwater. I could hear “sound”, but couldn’t make out the words. I gave up and opened my eyes.

“Did it work?”

I nodded in shock. It really did. This was truly amazing. I didn’t know really how it was done, the exact science of it all, or even how to teach it, but I still was incredibly happy. This was so great, I could hardly believe it. I had wanted to do this all my life and I had just done it. In the middle of my happiness, I couldn’t help, but notice the slight disappoint and sadness on Lyn’s face.

[Mr.Experiment]

Nice Work Karen.

Keep up the good work ;D

~Jano

[leethal]

It's going great, isn't it?

[JediKaren]

After a silent breakfast, Lyn and I split ways to our different classes. She was several levels above me, far enough to start helping the younger and newer students, which would explain her appearance that first time. There was nothing strange about my morning classes, except that Mirmo glared at me when he spotted me in his meditation class. He then demanded that I feel the Force in the whole hallway, an extremely hard task that involved a ton of focus and he wouldn’t take excuses. I guess this was his way of getting back at me for his wake up call. At one point during his class, I tested our bond, carefully watching my master for any physical reaction. I sent the Force to him, not sending any emotion or thought, but looking for a response. If he noticed, he never showed it.

My Force class was strange in the choice of topic. The teacher talked about the mind and how the Force can be used. The lady, who told me off, still did not like me, but since I kept within her assigned limits and my master had told her what was going on, she didn’t talk to me. She talked about how the Force can influence the mind, and how the mind influences the Force.

“The Force is a flowing river that branches out into little streams. These streams are the ties, the reasons behind so much. The human mind, conscious or not of this awareness, can have the tiniest effect on the universal energy, which seems so small, and yet have the biggest of changes on people, on society and of the world. There is no such thing as luck, but the directly flow of energy which effects and changes the odds of events to the will and want of a certain person or group. A Jedi who can read the future, does not read, feel, dream, or see a written one path, but is exposed to a thousand different paths and given one of the most likely routes of the upcoming future. Even reading the future may have already changed the winding path of time and have forever demised what the Jedi has seen. That is why no one should ever rely on that ability.

The Force, to come back to something simpler, is a special energy, created by all living and always dead mass. The Jedi are of the chosen through evolution, to be aware and use the Force. The energy between the Jedi is the rarest and least understood connections in the galaxy. There is a link, a bond, a connection between two well know Jedi, which is so powerful, it is said to be greater and stronger than love. The bond between a master and an apprentice is a valuable thing, more much precious than all the riches of the core planets. For those who have yet to be chosen as an apprentice, we will practice linking minds together, and perhaps you all will be able to send a thought or two.”

With that lecture, she clapped her hands, waking everyone up, and splitting us up into pairs. I was paired with this skinny, tall that had an ego the size of a sun, boy. He looked at me shyly and I was pretty sure he had an instant crush on me. I had no interest in him, even though he looked something close to my age. I sat down on the cold, stone hard floor. He sat down, close to me and then moved even closer. I frowned and told him to stop. He looked at me innocently, like he didn’t know what he had done wrong. That really annoyed me and made me want to slap him hard. I held back this temptation, not wanting to know what Master Mirmo would do to me if he found out and told the boy to focus on the task at hand before we got yelled at. I closed my eyes, relaxed and reached out with the Force.

“Hey, did you just touch me?

I counted to five, forcing a calming breath out of me before telling the boy curtly no. I sat up, closed my eyes again and restarted the mental preparation for this link.

“Should I link to you, or do you want to link to me? Personally, I think I should go first because I’ve had experience with this. I once linked to Master Skywalker and he noticed this. So, really, I should go first to let you know how it feels and then maybe you’ll have a chance at doing this.”

That boy was about three seconds away from getting a rude, painful slap. I worked up half a small grin and told the boy that a woman always goes first.

“Ok, I guess, but it is really hard and you’re new, so you really should rethink this and let me show how to do it.”

By the Force, this kid was a rude jerk who badly needed a lesson in pride. I refrained from lecturing him for ten minutes giving him the complete background of my eight hard years of training, which included plenty of practice with telepathy and mind connecting. Instead, I asked him to remain quiet as I focused. I stared at him, making sure he would stay quiet before closing my eyes.

For brief second I was lost in the ever so good feeling of the Force. I was the Force and the Force was me. I was life, I was the boy, I was the teacher, and I was the temple, the jungle, and the stars. I sighed in happiness and felt the slight downfall of disappoint when the blast of the Force winded down to the usual gentle stream.

“Miss Nightingstar, do please focus on the assignment”

ARG! What was it with everyone bugging me? How am I supposed to focus with all these interruptions? It is not my fault that I accidentally was open to a large amount of the Force. I didn’t do it on purpose! Why did this lady hate me? I wanted to explode and scream out my anger, but I knew that wasn’t the way to handle this.

I gathered the Force one last time, swearing I would give up if these didn’t work, felt the boy’ presence, search for his mind and sent the Force to him. At first, I didn’t feel any reaction from him and sent even more, not really caring if I overloaded him or not.

“Hey, you did it! I didn’t think you would get it in the first time. That’s practically impossible and really you don’t have any experience. Now, let me show you how it is really done properly”
I raised my eyes at him. Unless he had been trained before coming here, or was a genius at the Force, I doubt he could top my act. I took down all shields I knowingly had and left my mind open as much as I could. I felt the Force within him and the faintest touch of him. I waited for more from him, but that seemed to be the peak of his ability. I fought my own defense systems to not attack him and throw him out. He opened his eyes and looked at me with a smug smile on his young face.

“Now, see how it’s done? I’m a natural at this, so don’t feel bad that you didn’t quite link to me as well as the teacher was looking for. Still, it was a good try”

I clinched my fists behind my back and let them relax. Lucky for that stupid, immature, bratty boy the bell had rung and I got out of the room like I was on fire. I sped walked to my room, thinking about how I was going to beat the stuffing out of my pillow. I was stopped in my tracks when I nearly bumped into Mirmo. I looked up to see the shining happiness in his eyes. I took a step back in panic, looking at him for any squirt gun he might be ready to pull out and continue the war. There was no gun in sight. I looked again and saw a strange smile on his face. I asked him what was it?

“There is a surprise waiting in your room”

[JediKaren]

I eagerly rushed past Master Mirmo, to the door panel to open the door, but an arm held me back. I looked up at Mirmo, wondering why he wouldn’t let me through.

“Before I loose you to a absurd hyperness state that I may never be able to get you out of, I want to know what happened to get you so angry”

No no no, he couldn’t do this. I was so close to finding out the surprise and he just had to fuss over something so stupid. I told him it was minor and then tried to press my way to the door. His arm was like steel and would not let me budge. I looked up and glared at him.

“Glare all you want, but that won’t get you past me. I know you were angry and I know you have a temper. You also have a bad habit of holding in that anger, which is unhealthy, and not letting the anger out in a harmless way, which leads to you blowing up. So, to stop that from happening and you washing more floors, why don’t you talk to me. Now, if the event was so minor, then why could I see stream rising off of your anger face?”

Why did he care? I wasn’t angry anymore. What was done was done and there was no need to visit the past. I looked at the door and sighed, taking a step backwards. I told him about the stuck up egotist jerk in my class and how he was trying to show off.

“Did you say anything?”

No, I hadn’t said anything rude, only to tell him to keep quiet.

“Did you do anything to provoke him?”

Once again the answer was no. I decided the boy wasn’t worth telling off or showing off. I was just simply practice and turned out to be far better than him. It was just that boy got on my nerves so fast and so much.

“Karen, you have to stop blaming others. That is something your father taught you. Do not let the boy get to you. You have control over yourself and your nerves. Put a distance, a mental one, between him so he can let reach you like that. That doesn’t mean a shield, but keep his remarks from hitting you. I want three meditative breathes from you and then you can come into the room”

I breathed in and out three times and looked at him expectantly.

“Apprentice, please explain to me the thought process for the breathing exercise”

Arg! Couldn’t he just skip this whole thing, move, and let me in right now? I was dying in my own impatience.

“Impatience will only delay your surprise longer”

I wanted to match wills, battle, and fight and win his little game over me, but I couldn’t. I knew I would loose. I told him I was suppose to clear my mind out of all thoughts, focus only on the emptiness of space and allow peace fill me.

“That is correct. You may proceed to do so”

I closed my eyes and breathed in slowly. I did the exercise five times, calming my spirit down. I opened my eyes to find my master standing by the open door of my room, letting me enter. I rushed in, taking the room in a glance but saw nothing. I gave the room another glance, but to my disappointment saw the room held no such surprise. I looked back at the doorway.

“Go to your computer”

I did so, wondering what he had done to my computer that was so different. When the computer loaded I saw a window pop up. It looked familiar and it was only when I read the words “Firefox” with the icon, did I give a scream of pure happiness. I had the internet. I had gone about a month without a connection back to my world, to my sites, to my friends. I jumped out of the chair and gave my master a tight hug of a huge thank you. He had no idea how much I unconscious missed the internet. I ran back to the computer and started looking up all my sites.

“It took me and the tech crew two weeks to find and set this up, but when we did find it, I was amazed. Your description underestimated the vast power of your planet’s communicate network”
Within five minutes I had found all ten of the major sites I wanted him to visit and explore. First, I showed off my wonder, hand build site, showing him my articles, my knowledge and my people. He was impressed and intrigued. I showed him all the sites I moderated and how big the Force community was. He seemed to be speechless by the sheer numbers.

“By the Force, Karen, there is an order of Jedi out there”

I shook my head and explained to him they were not Jedi, just people who were Force sensitive, exploring what the Force was and how to control it. I hesitated to show him more, fearing my last and biggest secret would be revealed at the wrong time. He seemed quite happy to take my seat and spend two hours reading and reading. I interrupted him to ask about our link. I told him what happened in the morning, asking if he was aware of it.

“I have been aware of a Force connect between us ever since I found you that one night crying, and at times I have caught an flicker of your thoughts, but no, I was not aware of you picking up my foul thoughts”

I asked him, then why did it happen if he did not mean to.

“You must have opened up your mind to me and because my thoughts were directed to you, you caught them”

Oh ok. That would explain it.

“Would you like to try sending me a thought and seeing if I can pick up on it?”

I blushed and said he must of already be picking up on my thoughts, because I did want to try. He laughed and instructed me to close my eyes and focus on a simple thought. What was simple? I had to wonder, before my stomach growled, reminding me it was time for dinner. I thought up my favorite fruit, imaging the shape, the color, and the name. I send the image to him, to his mind.

“I suppose my starving apprentice is craving some muja berries. Why don’t we go get some food and then you can spend time with Lyn while I carry on reading and understanding this internet of yours”

[JediKaren]

Pain, embarrassment, guilt. These are the feelings that pound me. My father radiates a feeling of evil and to be feared. His voice is loud, his words are harsh. He has frowned from the moment he laid eyes on the temple. He scowls at all Jedi, muttering insults to them under his breath. He is always near me, surrounding me, overpowering me, consuming me in his hate. My heart rate skyrockets as he and Master Mirmo meet. I want to run. I want to cry. I beg my father to not do anything. I am screamed at, being told to shut up. I stare at the floor, wishing I could die. I flinch as my father tears my master apart, dissecting his ways of teaching, calling him soft, spoiling me, and ruining me. Mirmo says nothing, making me feel worse. I hate my father. Even here, so far away, he has hunted me down, criticizing all that I love, all that makes me happy. I can not be him and can never satisfy him.

It took me a second to realize why there were wet, salty streams on my face. I remembered the dream, the nightmare and burst out into tears. I cried softy in the dark, wishing the pain would leave me alone forever. There seemed to be no end to the past. I had a craving to get on the internet and then I remembered the internet connect crashed after dinner, causing my master to become very depressed and moody for that night. I searched my mind for other options to escape from the pain and fear. I decided to grab my music player and head out for an empty room.

After some dancing with the pain, fear, and anger, I felt my master touch me with his mind. I turned my head away, closed my mind to him, and moved to a dark corner of the room. I leaned against the wall, staring at the door, knew my master would enter that door soon. A few minutes go by before I hear the slight creek of the door. Mirmo walked slowly up to me, but stops a few feet away, respectful of the space my sore heart needs. Both of us are silent for a while. I gave him fleeting glances, unsure of what I want to do, to run into his arms and cry, or to disappear in the wall.

“You dreamed of your father again?”

I gave him a short look of pain and continued my study of the floor.

“What happened?”

I wanted to remain silent, not to ever speak the truth, not to be reminded of the pain, but I knew I would be made to talk and best to get it over with. I told him that my father came to the Parent Days, a two day event where parents of the students were invited to come to the temple and spend time with their children. It was a way to deal with any homesickness of the children and to help the parents cope with the distance between them and their child. I told him how my father came to visit and didn’t approve of the school or my master.

“What did you father have to say about me?”

I gulped and blushed. I told him that my father said Mirmo was weakening, encouraging me to become irrational and far too emotional. The Force was a load of batha poop to him and I was wasting my time here.

“You know your father will not come here. You are safe here. Let go of him. Face him and focus on your training, and you will waste nothing.”

I shook my head and said I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face my father.

“Yes, you can. Close your eyes”
Panic set in. I couldn’t bare to envision my father. My breathing become shallow.

“Calm down. Take a deep breath and close your eyes”

Tears welled up in my eyes, my throat constricted. I trembled and sweated as I stood dead still. I couldn’t do this.

“Karen-“

NO! I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. I would lose if I looked at my father again. I would break and shatter into a million pieces. My master was wrong. He didn’t know what my father was capable of. I had to get out of here. I looked up, a wild look was in my eyes, my hair was drenched in my sweat. I started to run, but strong hands grabbed my arms, behind me.

“Karen, you can not run every time you think of your father”

I wiggled, twisted and tugged, grunted, strained to get out of his grip.

“I order you to stop stuggling apprentice!”

I refused to listen. I added more force to my movements, determined to get away if it was the last thing I did. He would not make me to do this. He started to force me to the ground, as to pin me. I lashed out with my foot, a move taught in class, and kicked him hard in the shin.

“I do not wish to harm you. I only want to help you”

It was too late for that. He was going against my will. One does not go against my will easily. I continued to fight him, forgetting what caused this in the first place. It was now who would win this fight.

“If you do not stop right now, I will be forced to stop you”

That fueled my anger and my need to fight harder. I tried to kick him again, aiming for his knee cap. He caught my foot, causing me to lose balance, fall flat on the floor. With one leg, he pinned my feet and with his left hand he pinned my upper back. His right hand was placed on my neck.

“Quiet”

My limbs went limp. I found I had no energy to move with. I could not fight back, but my spirit was still rearing and hyped.

“Shh. Go to sleep and dream no more”

I felt a blast of the Force, a strong will of peace and sleep came over me. My eyes closed and my mind became blank.

“Shh. Sleep my poor apprentice”

That was all I heard as I gave into the blackness of nothing.

[leethal]

Always waiting for more

[JediKaren]

I woke up, sometime later, with the first light of the day shining through my window. My body was covered with a blanket and a cup of water by the side of my cot with a small note saying “drink and feel better”. It was at the moment did I squeeze my eyes shut as a blinding blast of pain exploded in my brain. Images, feelings, and words rushed at me. I remembered the fight, the fear, and my master’s last words before I was willed by the Force to sleep. I rubbed my forehead, trying to massage the pain away. I looked at the glass of water and became aware of how parched my throat was. I sleepily reached for the cup and drank the water in one gulp. I lay still on the mattress and without noticing, drifted back to sleep.

“Karen”

A voice that is near enters my head. I wondered who it was. I was not dreaming, nor awake, but my conscious floating in empty space. I feel nothing and find it strange. Where was I?

“Can you hear me, Karen?”

Who is it? Who would know my name? I reach out in the darkness, trying to understand this state plane. Had I left my body? Was I dead? There seems to be nothing around me. I am not cold or warm. I seem to have no body. What was going on?

“Wake up Karen”

I must be dead. I ponder this for some time, slowly feeling as if space and time are dragging me somewhere. The feeling is uncomfortable. Pressure, unknown pressure, grows stronger, causing pain, making me want to scream, begging it to end, to STOP!

“Shh, it’s ok, it’s ok. Deep breaths”

I woke up. I was still on my cot, the blanket twist around my legs, my hair a tangle of slimy snakes on a damp pillow. A hand was on my forehead. I followed the hand, up the arm, to my master’s face. Slight wrinkles of his face show me his worry, but a smile on his lips eased me.

“Be quiet for a minute. It will take some time for the drug to clear from your mind”

Drug? My master had drugged that water in the cup? Why would he do such a thing? I looked at him, silently asking the question.

“It was only to help with the pain and to keep your mind blank. You are not easily manipulated, my stubborn apprentice”

He reached over once again and touched my forehead. I felt calming, healing energy flow through me, giving me mental clarity and strength to sit up. When Mirmo took away his hand and him gave me one last look and nodded for me to sit up. I did so, trying to remember what had happened for him to give me pain medication. I stretched my limps and noticed the slight stiff and soreness. What had happened? Why did my master manipulated me? I shook my head, unable to recall anything. I caught my master intensely studying me for a second and asked him what was wrong.

“Are you hungry? Would you like to get some breakfast?

I slightly titled my head in confusion, aware that my master did not answer me. I told him yes and my stomach growled a confirmation. Master Mirmo smiled at me and went out of my room to let me shower and get dressed. When we were done with breakfast, my master asked me to wait a moment as he grabbed several pieces of fruit, some bread, and a canteen of my favorite juice. I asked him why he was getting all this food. Usually, the staff forbids the teachers and students to have food in the rooms, to avoid bugs and small animal problems.

“So we can have our midday meal during our walk”

My master seemed to be full of mysteries today. He had told me nothing about a walk yesterday. I shrugged and told myself to be glad that I was getting out. I had been rather moody and restless the last few days, a sign that I was becoming depressed, and knew a walk would cure this. I was also curious as to what was out in the jungle surrounding the Jedi temple. I am a nature person at heart and intensely connected to the living Force. The bond between me and the living Force is a survival one. Without being in contact with life, with plants and animals for a period of time, I begin to decline mentally, physically, and spiritually. In turn, I have a green thumb, and am a genius with small animals and fish. I have yet to fail to tame any cat I lay eyes on. I understand animals and animals understand me. Some people call it empathy or telepathy, but I know my understanding of live is on a deeper level than that. Perhaps, my master sensed my connection and knew I need to get out.

Our walk turned out to be quite a hike. Mirmo led me up and down hills, and at times had me climb hand over hand up slippery moss, following a stream that was moving rapidly. At the top of our hill, which was quite high, we came to the start of a waterfall. I inched my way to the edge of the wet rocks, feeling the cool spray on my face and bare skin. I looked down at the clear pool of water the fall had created. I sensed something moving behind me and turned to see my master run past me, take a flying leap off the hill, and dive, feet first, into the pool. I was surprised to find the pool was much deeper than it looked, for my master never touched the bottom. He rose to the surface with his robe floating beside him, grinning up at me.

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

I deep a couple of deep breathes to steady my nerves before I dashed off to my certain death. I ran, fast, off the hill, feeling the water and air rush past my face and then hard slam of the water as I broke the surface of the pond. I sunk half way before swimming to the top, gulping air. I was shaking in pure excitement, grinning like a fool. My master laughed at me when I gave a yell of exhilaration.

“Race you to the shore”

I did not waste time responding, but badly kicked and stroked my way to the muddy grass to collapse on the shore, panting. Seconds later my master joined me in filling our lungs of deprived air. When we recovered, we crawled to a near by tree where the bag of food and towels had been previously placed. Mirmo handed me a towel to dry off and gave me some sweet, ripe fruit to hungrily devour. When I was done with the light meal, I laid in the tall, feather like grass, letting my mind wonder. Flashes of emotion raced through my mind and in one moment did I remember all that had happened the night before. I gasped and froze in shame and guilt.

“Something wrong?”

I looked over my shoulder at my master, relaxing in the sunlight. How could I tell him that I had kicked him and meant him harm last night? How could I explain to him that in a moment of weakness, I had briefly gone over to the darkside?

[JediKaren]

My master looked so oblivious as to what was wrong with me. Couldn’t he see and sense the fear and turmoil in me? Wasn’t he worried about me? If he was, he kept a very straight, relaxed face.

“Is there something bothering you, Karen?”

I really didn’t want to talk about this and if my master didn’t know or didn’t care to bring it up, I would follow his lead. I shook my head, took a breath to wash away the panic and said I had forgotten to tell Lyn I was gone for the day. It was a blatant lie, but if my master knew I was lying, he withheld that information from me. He slowly sat up from his bed of grass, taking in the warm sun light and I sensed that he decided something. What that was, my telepathy didn’t tell me.

“Then come. We shall head back to your friend Lyn and let you do your studious studying”

The walk back was rough. He seemed to be testing my physical strength and endurance for he set a killing pace. We went uphill for what seemed to be forever and when I thought I could not draw another breath, we headed down hill. My muscles screamed mercy, but at least I could breathe. Sweat poured through my skin, soaking every inch of clothing I had on. I was a bit annoyed that I wasn’t given time to enjoy my surroundings, to study and note the wildlife around me. I reached out to the Force a couple of times, but I could not decipher the true meaning in the subtle language of the life energy around me. I really wished my master would just slow down and give me this opportunity. At, the same time, I was too shy to ask, worrying he would think I wanted the break because I was out of shape. I did not want him thinking I was horribly out of shape. We made it back to the temple of half the time it should have taken us. When we did finally stop at the old stone blocks that made up the temple, I was sore, tired, and panting.

“You are quite out of shape my apprentice. I think it’s time you were put in a harder physical exercising class”

I stared at him in horror.

“Oh, it won’t be that bad. It won’t hurt you to loose a few more pounds”

He poked me in the side when saying that, causing me to jump away and let out a slight giggle. He arched an eyebrow at my sudden movement.

“Hmm, you are ticklish”

Oh no no no. Oh, this was bad. This was a horrible weakness for him to find out. Oh, I was never going to live this down.

“So, what would happen-“

He poked me in the other side and I moved away.

“and here-“

Ekk! I took a few steps back and slightly growled at him. Silently, I was laughing at this game.

“Yes, my little fierce nexu”

I stopped growling at him and gave him a “I don’t know what a nexu is” look.

“Don’t you know what a nexu is?”

I told him no.

“It is a beast, one not to be messed around with, that is ten times your size. The nexu has long, sharp teeth along with huge claws, four legs with paws, and fur. The tail is longer then you. And you sound just like one”

I told him what a cat was, how they came in domestic and wild breeds and asked him if the creature was similar to a cat. He said yes. I asked if there were any nexus here in the jungle, but he said no. I told him, half jokingly that I would probably tame it until it was purring and nuzzling me. From the look in Mirmo’s eyes, I knew he didn’t believe me. I told him I am naturally good with animals and I have yet to come across a cat that couldn’t be tamed by me. I could also tell my master wasn’t going to believe till he saw me do it.

“Why don’t you get some food and feed your nexu like appetite.”

I asked him if he was coming. He always came, although I generally ate with Lyn.

“I’m afraid I have something to go do. I will leave you be for the rest of the evening”

Strange. I wondered what he had to do. He wasn’t usually starving like me, but he never skipped a meal. Well, an apprentice doesn’t question her master and I had to trust him to know what he was doing. Still, I wanted to know what was going on. I looked at him one last time, using all my abilities to look for a clue, but all I found a mental shield.

“It is not nice to go looking through other people’s mind Karen. Plus, you will not find anything. Go get your evening meal.”

With that, he turned to the opposite hall and walked away. There was nothing to do, but go to the dining hall.

[JediKaren]

I was called to my master’s room a few days later. I found him sitting in front of his computer, playing another cursing game of pazaak. I laughed out loud and asked him if he was ever going to learn.

“After I win the next game”

I told him he might go bank robbed for the millionth time before that happened. He looked as if he had something smart to say, but thought against it and signaled at the bed.

“I want you to lie down and start a short meditation. You are to clear your mind and be at peace. Let me know when you are done”

This was not entirely a strange request, but not a usual one. He did make me meditate beyond his class, especially if I was close to punching someone, or even looking like that such would earn me twenty minutes of mediation. The request was strange because I was not angry or up set. It had been a rather slow, calming day, and for the life of me, I could not think of why he wanted this. By the time, I knew better than to ask him such questions, for answers were usually revealed later.

I lay down on the bed, relaxing all muscles and willing my mind to settle into a clear, deep nothingness. For some unknown time I stay there, never quite truly letting go of my grasp upon reality or the concept of anything. I grew impatient, unable to understand why I was doing this and opened my eyes to stare at Mirmo.
“I see that you are done. Good. You may recall a previous night where your dreams disturbed you greatly. As I have said before, I only wish to help you. Since you seem unable to tell me, or even hint to me as to your troubled past, I have found another way to delve in your history with your parents. This will not be an easy method, or one that you will like, but I think it will give me a greater insight as to how I can help you. This method requires me to enter your mind and view your memories. I need you to be relaxed, and not only allow me to enter your mind, but to stay there until I am through. It is important for the safety of both of us that you do not panic for any reason. Remember, I will be there and they are only memories. They will cause pain, but they will only harm you if you allow them. Do you have any questions?”

I shook my head. He was right. I didn’t like this at all. I hate people going into my mind, but there was nothing I could do. Master Mirmo was acting very formal about all of this and I knew he was dead serious.

“Then lie down, relax, and let me in”

I did as he asked. I felt his finger tips lightly touch my temples. The Force entered me and I felt him. I manually opened my mind, resisting my mental defense system, and allowed him to come in. It wasn’t quite telepathy or empathy, but a combination of both from him, telling me to start reviewing memories. I picked an early one, going back when I was fourteen.

I was in the living room, close to my father, both of us steaming with anger. My father threatened to punch my teeth out, but that didn’t scare me. We talked more and then he slapped me across the face. For a moment I was shocked that he had done such a thing, but recovered quickly to notice my father had gone to my room to take away my cd player. My mother, held my arm, telling me not to do anything. I was so angry, I went to my room. I tugged on my father, lightly hitting him, trying to get him to let go of the cd player. He wouldn’t. Instead, he slapped me again across the face. Then, he forced me to walk back, a foot away from my bed. He angrily told me if I ever talked to him again like that (I still don’t know what he meant) he was kill me. I was shaking, swearing I had wet my pants. He screamed at me if I understood that. I couldn’t talk. He raised his hand in a fist, making it clear he would punch me if I didn’t answer. I managed to stutter out yes and he left. The scar of that scene was so great, I couldn’t feel the Force for a month, I was that scared.

The next remember was a few months later, when I was in the car, parked near the house.

My father wanted me to do some math problem in my head. I wasn’t good at math and could barely do it in my head. My father got angry at me and screamed at me. That scared me, but made me think. I asked him why he tried to scare me. He told me a person thinks better when they are scared. That answer felt so wrong. My father knew nothing of the monster he was.

The next memory I wasn’t sure of my age, but I knew I was a young teen.

I had spent several weeks angry, growing more and angrier. It seemed anything I did was never good enough. I was asked to trim the ivy. I had done so, but not good enough for my father. When he got home from work, he called me and started yelling at me for missing some spots. My temper flew and I half kicked at him. I made sure I didn’t touch him, but I just wanted to do it so bad. That was a huge mistake. My father grabbed my hand, dragged me from the front of the house to the porch and twisted my arm behind my back. I screamed and screamed, knowing a neighbor was near by. My father threatened to break my arm if I didn’t shut up. He yelled at me, telling me I should be ashamed of myself and left me to run to my room. My mom had been standing there the whole time. She came in a bit later, asking me if I thought my arm was broken. She said sometimes my father didn’t realize what he was doing. I was too upset to realize how wrong her words were.

The next memory focused on my mom, several years later.

I woke up and knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a clue, I just knew. I realized my mom was in the bathtub and it was late at night. What was she doing there? When she got out, I knew she was drunk. I huddled in my bed, too scared to move. I had never been alone in the house when my mom drunk. I heard her bump into the wall and somehow go into the kitchen. I prayed with my eyes closed she didn’t end up walking into my room like the first, until now, only time. She didn’t, but the crash in her room was so loud I jumped out of my bed and was at her door before I had time to think. I paused, not wanting to know what had happened. I didn’t want to face this. The Jedi part of me refused to give in to the fear and I walked in. My mom had collapsed in the closet, holding a big bottle of alcohol. I came to her and tried to get her up, but she was too heavy. I put the bottle away, to deal with later, and waited for ten minutes before she got up. She went to the bathroom, telling me I should go to bed. I didn’t say anything, but knew I wasn’t going anywhere until she was in bed. I emailed my aunts, asking for advise. I found out my mom was snoring on the toilet due to my cat opening the bathroom door. I went back to bed, staring at the bathroom door, feeling pale. After some time, my mom did go to bed. I never did go back to sleep that night. The next night my mom had gotten drunk again due to my poor hiding of the alcohol. It was a rough weekend and it didn’t help I was sick with a low fever. The memory fast forwarded to when my father came home and told me I shouldn’t have told my aunts. It was none of the business. He seemed so angry at me. It was hardly fair. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared.

I felt the gentle tug of my master leaving my mind and his finger left my head. I opened my eyes to find his closed and him taking a deep breath.

“Are there more?”

I nodded and then looked at the end of the bed. I felt pale and withdrawn. I hoped he didn’t want to see any more.

“We will have to continue this later. I think we both need time to process this”

I nodded again, determined not to cry. I swallowed and shifted in the bed.

“If you want to be alone, I understand, Karen”

I said nothing and got off the bed. I silently left the room and slowly went to my room, to sit and stare at the wall, thinking nothing. I only broke my mindless stare when there was a knock at the door.

[JediKaren]

I stared at the door, too tired, too numb to find the energy to say anything. I wasn’t sure if I wanted company or not. I wasn’t sure how I felt. My mind felt blank, empty, unable to form thoughts or feelings. I wasn’t sure of anything.

“Karen, it’s me, Lyn. Can I come in?”

Lyn. That name stirred something inside of me. Her name. She was a friend, a good friend. She liked me and seemed to care for me. She was not part of my past. I got up and walked, seemingly forever, to the door. The door slide open.

“Hey, how are you?”

I stood still, unsure of what to say. If I told her the truth she would want to know the whole story. I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to know the whole story. She was a good friend, but I was not ready to confide her in my woeful tale. If I was not going to tell the truth, I would have to think up a very convincing lie.

“Are you ok? You look pale and troubled”

I shook my head and forced myself to think of something happy, to drive out the bad mood I was in. I smiled a bit too much, at her, forcing myself to seem cheerful. I told her it was of no importance, that it had been a rough day, and asked her how she was and why she was here.

“I’m ok. I was in my room, lying around, remembering your room. I remembered the pictures on your wall and was wondering if you had drawn them”

I smiled at her and told her yes. The pictures were of animals and landscapes, all in very fine detail. Some drawings took me minutes to quickly sketch; others took nearly an hour to get right.

“Can you teach me to draw like that?”

I asked her if she had any art classes or knew anything about drawing. She shook her head.

“No. Jedi don’t teach that sort of thing and I never really wanted to try, until now”

I grabbed some paper, some pencils and had us sit on the floor. The first thing I taught her was how to loosen her hand up. Most new artists are nervous and grip their pencil too tightly. They want to get the line and the shape perfectly the first time. I made her draw several quick circles, none of them looking very much like circles, but she did relax. I showed her how to sketch a circle, using little curving lines and to finally decide on which line to use to make the perfect circle.

“Wow, that’s so cool. Who taught you that?”

I told her no one. I went off and on in art classes, getting bored with the teacher and what we were made to draw. I would take a year or two off, practicing and exploring what I had learn before I was ready for another class. I did a lot of self teaching, using drawing books for suggestions on subject matter. I actually did best when teaching myself.

“How do you make the drawings so realistic?”

I explained to her what shading was. I had her draw another circle and the pick the right or left side of the circle. She picked the right. Then, I had her draw a very small circle to the upper right of the first circle and label it “sun”. I told her how light works. The further and dimmer the light, the less of a shadow the circle will have. Since her sun was pretty close, the light was strong and strong light makes strong shadows. The shadow will always follow the direction the light is shining. I switched topics to how to shade, showing the different shades one could make with a pencil. I showed her different shading techniques like cross hatching and stippling.

“There is so much to drawing! I didn’t have any idea it was so complex”

That brought a smile on and I told her this would all come to be second nature with a lot of practice. I showed her how to use these different shading tricks on the circle. I illustrated the two different parts to shading anything. An artist has to beware of the shadowing within the object and the shadow the object makes. I showed her through shadowing; one can define the texture of the object. The shadow of the object should closely, but not always, match the shape of the object. The shadow sometimes, depending on where the light is coming from and the strength of the light, will be tilted. I stopped there, worried I had taught her too much.

“Thank you so much! You are such a good teacher. You should ask Master Skywalker to teach an art class”

I blushed a bit and laughed. I told her no. Being a Jedi was about learning to use the Force, lightsabers, and how to protect the innocent. Art had no place here.

“But you’re wrong! Art has a place here. Art would teach us to be more creative. You have an eye for the details of life and the big picture. I think the Jedi need more people like that”

I blushed harder at though words, unable to get myself to deny them. I said nothing to remain modest.

“Well it’s late and I better get some sleep for tomorrow. Thanks for the art lesson. I’ll practice what you showed me”

With that, she left. I stood still, letting her words run through my mind. A certain proud happiness filled me. It was nice that someone though I belong here. My train of thought was stopped with the knock at the door. It was probably Lyn, who must have forgotten something. I looked around as I walked to the door. I saw nothing of hers. I access the door and saw my master standing there. I looked at him, full of surprise.

“May I come in?”

His voice was very respect, low, if not meek. His body was slightly hunched, as if he felt he did something wrong. He took a seat on my mattress and looked up at me.

“I wanted to check up on you. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you early. I had no idea what you had gone through”

I told it was ok. I started every single fight. I never had control over myself. It was my fault for the punishment I got.

“Karen, no. No father should ever hit their child for any reason. He overacted badly. He lost far more control than you. I do not blame you and would never do so. Do no put blame on yourself when you do not deserve it. No father should have their daughter fear them the way you did”

I hung my head. I had some another thing wrong. There seemed to be no end to my wrong doings. It seemed I would never get through this.

“I promise you Karen, I will help you through this. I will get you through this pain”

I nodded slightly, swallowing threatening tears. The silence went on for minutes. He was embarrassed by my pain. I was trying to pull myself together for the both of us. He moved from the mattress to the floor and picked up art.

“This is not your usual art. Looks like you were teaching someone how to draw circles. I gather it was Lyn”

Yes it was. I told him Lyn had come and wanted to learn how to draw.

“Hmm. You are a good teacher. Perhaps I should take an art class with you as my teacher”

He looked over at me, smiling. I stared at him. He was the second person in less then twenty minutes who wanted to learn to draw.

“But not now. I suggest you get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow in class”

[GEOvanne]

stupid attention span. ill neer be able to read all this. mabey if it was in a book or something, but i find it really hard to rea long stuff on the internet. but from the bits a pieces ive read it sounds really good. better than my works. ill try to read it though

[leethal]

you really should. It's going great. keep it up karen. Just cause i don't say anything doesn't mean i'm not reading. I'm always looking forward to this.