JK's Second Jedi AP Trips

[JediKaren]

Another trip
I went to Hatais, I'm figured out how to ap right to his door, instead of going from the main entrance and walking to his door. he somehow knows when i'm about to knock and always calls me in before I can do it. I came in his room. he said that he would ask me to sit, but I would just have to get up again. He wanted to take me somewhere. we went out of the door and I figured out where we were going. I told him I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go to the Jedi part because I’m not ready to be perfect. I don't want to worry about every little thing I say, thing and do. For there I need perfection. I'll be judged from the moment I step in, and I don't want to go through that yet. I'm not ready for that game.
I knew we were going to him. I didn't want to. For him I have to behave. I have to be my best. I have to watch my thoughts, even the private ones. He knows all. He understands a lot, but still. I have to be good. I have to make him like me, to believe in me. I have to prove I can be a Jedi, that I worthy of that title.
Hatais wouldn't take it. He said that he would come, but I have to go. He made me go in the room first. I put on my best face and made myself seem brave, not scared. I was told to sit. I got really stern with myself and made myself be perfect. I tested him, by thinking something that I knew he would catch and show that he knew what I was thinking. He did catch it. I knew I had to be careful. I was already warned that I would be asked a lot of questions. I was. I was asked about my views on the Force, the Jedi, and how I felt about everything. I told about my grey Jedi views, my home, the darkness that I live in and how I'm not perfect. At times I caught myself rambling and shut up. He didn't seem to mind and kept me talking. I didn't sense much from him. I suppose he kept himself from me.

He asked me to relax and Hatais helped. I then sensed him in my mind, but it was so hard. My own defense system tried to catch, but it was no where near as fast. He did something that vaguely hurt, that "woke" me out of my ap and had me gasping. I then fell asleep very quickly. I didn't go through what had happened and now I'm having trouble remembering what happened. I don't know what there is to conclude from last night. So much of it was guarded. I knew in some sense I was being tested, but I don't know how or what the result was. This is why I don't want to go to the temple. I don't want to be left out in the cold.

[JediKaren]

The Map Room
I aped to Hatais and asked him what the outcome of last night was. I had to know what the Jedi thought of me. I had to know if they saw hope or was I wasting my time daydreaming about them. I tried thinking over the night before, but all emotions and motives were carefully hidden from me. Also I didn’t feel comfortable scanning the greatest Jedi ever.
Hatais told me that the Jedi didn’t love me, but they didn’t hate me. It really didn’t have to do with me, but more of the all of the Jedi in general. We are of poor quality with no experience. It also doesn’t help that I’m not the greatest Jedi ever. It’s the truth really. I’m not insanely strong. I don’t behave all that well. I haven’t fought an evil man. Of course I argued for myself, comparing myself to Luke, but it was no good. No matter what I came up with, there was something Luke had done too. I left the Jedi. I nearly turned to the darkside, but never went over. I was impatient. I was a no body. On the other hand we were on the same level before Luke went off to save his sister. I argued that my tk sucked that he was so much better at it. Hatais reminded me that I had much better empathy and telepathy than Luke had. All in all it was decided that it was best that I went to the Jedi hall.
I walked down the dark hallway to the door of the Jedi and knocked. I was let in with a greeting. I stood near the door, being shy, but trying to force myself to get into the middle of the room, hoping someone would know what to do with me. I slowly walked into the middle, into the crowd, trying to keep calm and stop looking like I didn’t belong here. A guy came up. I recognized him and took a step back. He was from the council and I couldn’t even think of his name. He asked me to follow him. I had enough sense not to ask where we were going, for that would have been rude and would have shown a lack of impatience.
He went to one door, opened it and had me go in right. There was a short flight of stairs, leading down. I had a sudden flash of ep3 of the “war room” where there were maps. Sure enough the room that I was in was a map room of the similar built. The Jedi turned on one of the maps that showed the galaxy so I was looking down on it. I named off planets that I knew and what was there. I couldn’t name very many because most of them I can only recognized when I study the maps in the books. I was told to read the names and I froze. I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t read and I was trying to think of a way to phrase it without making myself look bad. There was no way or time so I just said it. I was told to do it anyhow, but it didn’t work and just tired me out.

I was led to another room that was some sort of healer’s room. I was told to lie down on this bed and relax. I remember that I fell asleep incredible quickly.

[JediKaren]

Calmista
I was missing Calmista and longed to be with her. I felt that I was most comfortable with her. I knew her and she knew me. I knew she would understand me and love me. She was like my mother, only so much better. Hatais was something like a stepfather that I wasn’t quite sure about. I didn’t feel like I could pour my heart out to him.
I aped to my guide, who greeted me well. She had me sit on the bed and talk. I told her I didn’t want to go back to the Jedi hall. I couldn’t handle the pressure. I didn’t want to be prefect all the time. She said that I didn’t have to be. In fact I was worse off trying to be. She got me to agree to go back, saying that I would sleep well tonight if I went. It was true that I have been sleeping well every time I go there.
She had me link arms together and ap to the door. She knocked and we went in. I was greeted with the name of Karen and I was tempted to correct the person with JediKaren, but that didn’t sound right. She led me to a room and went in with me. It was a healer’s room of course. I wasn’t as nervous as I normal am. I was told to lie down and relax. The lady was nice and didn’t seem to send energy through me. Calmista had told me the Jedi heal differently. It was easy to relax. At one point the lady asked me if I trusted her. I felt some fear rising to those words, but I forced it down and told her yes I did. She told me I would have trouble breathing for a minute, but it would be ok. She put some sort of mask on me and sure enough I had to fight to breathe. I felt like I was getting close to passing out when she removed the mask and I literally gulped down air. Once again I relaxed and soon was asleep.

[JediKaren]

I did as suggested and meditated for a few minutes. that calmed me down enough that I felt that I could ap. So then I wondered where to go. I didn't want to go to Calmista or Hatais for I was sick of both of them. I decided it might be cool to just wonder around the Jedi hall and see what I could find and maybe find something to do or learn. so I went . I came in and tried to act cool and fit in. I slowed down my pace and made myself not look nervous. I was about to go into this smaller hallway when I noticed a Jedi was waving for me to follow him. I went to him. he said to come with him. He lead me to this theatre that had a ton of seating and a big stage. I looked around in amazement, trying to figure out why on earth would Jedi have a theatre. He asked me to recite my lines that I'm doing for a scene in theatre arts. I did, with really no problem. I couldn't figure out why he was having me doing this. he never really said why. We talked a little bit. I don't remember what on, but I think it was about how I'm so stressed out and tired about school. He led me to another room, a healing room, duh, and there I fell asleep

my friend in theatre made this bet with me about if it was going to snow. If it didn't we would volneeter to do our scene first, but if it didn't we would let the teacher decides who goes first

so last night I aped (I'll get that in a sec) and I went to sleep and woke up around 11:23. I never wake up then and I couldn't figure out why I was awake when I know I was put to sleep. So i turned over and saw this white stuff on the bushes outside my window. At first I didn't believe it was snow, but I got up and looked and the whole lawn was white with snow
so then I realized why i woke up and I was excited so i stayed away for a little bit and went back to sleep. Then today my friend agreed not to go first, but we ended up deciding to get it over with and went forth
ok then for the ap trip. I wanted to go the akashic (I have no idea how to spell it) records. well I didn't have a clue where it was so I went to Calmista and she asked me why I wanted to go there and I said I just wanted to look at them and stuff. So she filled me in about them and how only people that are spirits can update it, but I can request that it gets changed and stuff. also there is a place on every floor where you can look them up. So she lead me there and we went through this maze to get to it. She said that she would take me there for the first few times until I learned my way. When we got there she had me open the door because my hand would be my key to getting in. But if she opened the door I couldn't come in.

The room was small with only a 'puter on this table and a chair. She already told me to make a password and had me type it in. I did and then she got goggle up, saying that the temple liked the idea of goggle and used it as a data base for the records.
I told her I couldn't read, so she had the 'puter with the 'puter voice say the text. I looked myself up and yeah it was a big long article on me, starting from my birth to present. Calmista said that guides are responsible to keep updated with their charges.
I then left and I swear I went to some healer to go to sleep, but I can't remember what happened

I was argueing where to go and if I should go because I was dead sleepy. then I wondered if I was Jedi by the real Jedi's mind and what not and wondered if I had a room and then I realized I had a room. I went there and found a 'puter. I got it on and it was windows, but it showed the window's logo and then it had Bill Gates and Yoda attacking Gates
it was funny as anything, thoug not realistic. so then it loaded and there was a message from calmista saying that this 'puter was for my use and would have the records. I also had email so we traded email and it was decided, should I have kids it would be down right cute to bring a 5 year old there to the temple. I then went to bed.

[JediKaren]

A three person battle.
I was sick again, but only with a cold. I knew that I was bad enough that if I went to a guide I would be sent a healer and I thought that would be a waste of time. I was in no mood to lie still, not getting anything done. I decided to go to the Jedi hall and explore the place, looking for something to do.
I walked through the hallways, getting myself hopeless lost. I found myself in a dead end with three doors. None of them felt special. I started debating with myself if I should go in one of the doors. I didn’t know what was behind those doors. I wondered if I should follow this growing feeling or should I go for the doors in front of me. I decided to follow my usual way of doing things and followed the feeling.

The feeling lead me to a door back some. I opened it and was in a completely black room. I knew this was a training room. I used rv to scan the room looking for someone. I found them to my right and near a way. I then used scanning to allow myself to become them, figuring who they were and what did they feel towards me. The results were not great. They were ready to attack me, but waiting. They were searching me. They knew me. My hand went for my lightsaber. I did not draw it, but was ready.
I called out to them. I needed to stall. I wasn’t ready to fight and maybe I could learn who they were. They wouldn’t give me anything. They drew the first blade and attacked me. It was a simple move and I easily stopped them. We exchanged compliments and attacks. I was getting more confident, if not cocky. The fight was so far taking place in the first half of the room. He led the fight to the second half, but I refused to go there. I could sense there were wooden blocks in that area. I didn’t want to make the fight harder than it was. That’s when the second person came.
I had no training for how to fight two against one. I knew nothing about tricks. So I came up with some on the spot. I would push away one attacker to just handle the other. I would go back and forth between the two people. I tried leaping over both of them when I felt I was getting trapped. I knew I had to use what was around me and that meant going for the blocks. I stepped on one and then two more. I was some what shaky with my balance. The two attackers landed easily on the blocks. I knew I would lose if I tried to fight this way. I went back for the open area. I went for the door. I tried to open it, but it was locked. I growled and cursed, but they insisted that I fight. I was cornered to a wall. Both of them came at me from 30 degree angles. I tried not to panic. I knew I was trapped. I knew I couldn’t win. I thought of them as birds of prey, but even that did little good. They attacked and somehow I managed to hit one of them. That only made them attack harder. Once again they got ready to spring on me.
I did the one thing I could do at that point. I surrendered. I couldn’t win. If I fought I would lose or in real life die. There is no shame, in my opinion to surrender. I was outnumbered and out skilled. I did the best I could. I even offered my lightsaber to show I really was done. They said to keep and to sit down. They went over the various moves I created. They said that I should have fought harder and used the second half of the room. When I said that I would have lost right then, they disagreed, saying I didn’t know that. When they were done I asked to leave because I was tired and feeling more sick. They suggested I go to a healer, which I did.

[JediKaren]

Many People
I went to Hatais because Paul said that it would be polite to tell my guide of my success of the night before. As usual, Hatais knew that I was at the door and called me in before I had a chance to knock. I went in and sat down as told. I told him about the fight and how it went. He commented little about it and asked me how I felt. I was still sick and tired and told him that. I was also a bit down in the dumps because I had no energy and doubted the temple again. I was wondering if I was being used for something and if that was right. I was fighting with myself and my beliefs. To doubt the temple felt like betrayal and part of the darkside. It tore me up to think about this.
I tried to explain my thoughts and views to Hatais, but I quickly started crying. There was too much stress. I don’t know how he moved so fast, but I found him, hugging me, trying to calm me. I was shocked by his action. He never before tried to bring me comfort and was so stern. It made me want to cry more and stop all at once. I did stop, but he stayed kneed on the floor beside me. I told I didn’t know he could do this, to show caring emotions like this. He said that he’s not always stern, only when I need it.
It was still too much and I walked out of the room, ignoring him to tell me to stay. I didn’t go far. I leaned against a wall, feeling miserable. I felt this flash of the leader of the council. I groaned, knowing I had to obey and come to him. I walked down the hall and opened the door at the end. Once inside, I leaned against the door, going back to self pity. I decided that I would have to face this man and feeling sorry for myself wasn’t doing it. I said out loud that I was ready to see him. He asked me to come to him. I saw him standing in the center of the room. There were two chairs and he told me to take a sit. He knew about the crying and the stress that I was under. He asked me what was really wrong with me. I burst out that I didn’t really understand why I wasn’t knighted by the Jedi. I wanted to be knighted by the Jedi. Even more important I wanted my knighthood back. I didn’t want to wait any longer. I begged him to hurry it up. I knew that being impatient isn’t the Jedi way, but I didn’t care. To be a knight was my life. It was a dream that I wanted for 5 years, got and taken away. I learned my lesson. I would never do this again.
He said that I could be reknighted by the Jedi if I wanted it that badly. He warned me that I would have to obey the Jedi and their way of knighting. It would mean I would have to work harder and more. I understood and agreed. He said that I should go to the Jedi and get help.
I went to the Jedi, though I didn’t have a clue to which room to go to. I randomly picked two hallways on my left and went to the first door to my right. I walked in and found a lady inside. She asked me why I was here. I told her that I was sent here by the temple’s leader’s council. I wondered if that made any sense. She didn’t show any sign of either way. She noted that I had a headache and said it seemed to be more serious that I thought. I knew that meant a trip to the third floor. I excused myself and before I went I was told to come back the next night.
I went to a healer’s room on the third floor. I was told by another lady that the headache was from too much stress. She suggested that I continue to work with the Jedi to get rid of the stress and the headache. She gave me something to put me in a better mood in the morning and something to help me sleep. While I did wake up the next morning, giggling and nearly hyper, I did not sleep until past 10pm that night. It didn’t help that I had a two hour nap during that afternoon.

[JediKaren]

Advice
I went to the Jedi hall and to the lady I had been to the night before just like I was told to. I was asked how I felt. I had a killer sore throat that was so bad I couldn’t swallow. She looked at it and did one of those much hated strep tests.
While waiting for the test to work she started talking about meditation. I was first asked if I did it and I said no. My reason was I didn’t really like to sit still and be calm. She reminded me that I was under stress and my attitude would not help me. She asked if she or others were to help me meditate everyday would I do it. I said yes. She then asked that once I had learned how to, I would do it on my own while aping. I said yes. She asked if I would do it in real life once a day and of course I said yes. I was asked why. I told her that if they wanted me to do this, I would. I wanted to be knighted and in order to get that I would have to obey them. She did not argue this point.
I was told to meditate right then. I calmed myself down, blanked my mind out and relaxed. Somehow my mind slipped and I started thinking of other things and for sometime forgot that I was aping at all. I caught myself, focused again and said that I was sorry to her. She seemed to mildly disapprove of this. She said that I did not have strep, though if this kept on, I would. I was not surprised because I’ve never had strep and only a very few times ever got close to having it.
I was tired and needed sleep. I asked if I could stop. She said that she wanted to do something for the pain. She warned me it was going to hurt. She had some spray stuff that was suppose to kill the germs in my throat. I can tell you that it did hurt like crazy and I wasn’t allowed water. This soreness would last the night and into the morning, but would go away after that.

[JediKaren]

Jedi Meditation
I went to the Jedi doorway, knocked and was allowed it. I entered the hall, walked passed several doors and stopped. I didn’t know where to go. No one told me where to go, just that I had to meditate. I closed my eyes and felt the Force. I was searching for a call, a scent, a hint. I found one, but it was distance. I followed this feeling for quite a while. The feeling stopped at this door that looked the same as the others, but didn’t feel the same. It felt like the Force was strong in the room and leaking out.
I opened the door to find darkness. I couldn’t see at all. I called out, hoping someone would answer. Someone did and told me to come to him. I told him I couldn’t see and I knew that was a mistake. Jedi aren’t suppose to worry about seeing. You can use the Force to sense things and it’s better than seeing. Well that’s if you can sense things really really well.
I came to him. I never could see him. He said that he was controlling my ability to see. I was told to sit and relax. I felt the urge to cough, but I was holding it down. He told me to cough. I did, blushing all the way. He told me to drink some water. I did and then coughed some more. I sat in my bed blushing too much to ap for a minute. I got control over myself and returned to him.
He said that I was here to meditate since it seemed that I didn’t know how to properly do it. I had been trained to think meditation was being calm and having a clear mind. The Jedi version was much different. He went on to say that Jedi meditation does more than just that.
It is not an easy skill to learn. It’s rather like astral projection. You have to learn the trick and have the touch for it. I asked how one does it. He said that you relax, clear your mind and let go. You let your mind cling the currents of the Force and travel around. I knew that Craig, my former teacher, wanted me to do something like this, but I couldn’t figure out what he meant. I asked if I would feel anything. The man said that I would and I wouldn’t. Things that I felt would be blurry and not clear. I would have trouble remembering what I felt. I may not even remember anything at all. He said that this could be used in the replacement of sleep, as I have read about, but it’s not done too much. Most people can’t stay in meditation for long periods of time. He said that I probably wouldn’t last longer than 20 minutes.

I was told to start. I relaxed and cleared my mind as told. I opened myself up to the Force and allow it to move through me. Well allow it is not the right word. You don’t allow the Force to do anything. It is always moving through you, you just aren’t aware of it. Anyway I tried to get my mind to let go. I tried to just drift with the Force. I wouldn’t let myself think. In my mind there was darkness. I didn’t allow any thoughts to come in. I tried to remember what was going on, to repeat it to myself, but I made myself stop. I went in deeper into the Force.
In my mind I saw an eye. At first it looked like the cat eye on my t-shirt that I was wear, but then it shaped more like a human eye. I could not get a feeling for why it was there, what it meant or if I knew that eye.
In my mind the scene changed. I felt this gap. It felt like a rip in something. As I kept feeling it, it made more sense. I envisioned this crack in the ground, like something done from an earthquake. I knew the land was not earth. The sides of the crack were smooth. I tried mentally to explore both sides, but I couldn’t. I tried going down into the crack, but I couldn’t. I could only sense how far it went and I could never get a clear feeling for how deep it was.
The scene changed one more time for me. I saw woods, though not at first. It was not a dense woods. The trees were somewhat thin and made me think of pine trees. For a while nothing happened. Then I saw bullets. They didn’t come at me. They were just suddenly there, standing in mid air. There must have been 50 or so of them. I felt, that with enough training, I could be like Neo in the Matrix and control them, but that was not yet. The feeling of all this started fading. I could feel myself rise out of the trace like state I was in. I was sorry to go, but I didn’t have a choice.
I came out of it and told the man what I had seen. I told him I didn’t know what it meant. He didn’t seem to know either. He didn’t seem impressed or disappointed. I didn’t think I had done it right. I don’t think I was suppose to remember that much. I don’t know what I did, but I don’t think it was suppose to happen.

[JediKaren]

The Room
I aped to the Jedi hall like usual. I went to the door of the meditation room, but next room I sensed a strong surge in the Force. So I thought, what the heck, go for it. I went to the room and opened the door. The short hall was completely dark, but on my left there was this doorway that had light shining through it. So I peaked through the doorway and gasped. There must of been 600 or more Jedi sitting in this auditorium. Well I went back into the darkness, now wishing I hadn't explored. I knew I had been seen and I had to show myself because it was silly just standing in the dark when everyone knows where you are.
So I went in and stood near the door. A lady was in the center of the room, I guess talking. She asked me if I was lost I didn't know how to explain that I wasn't well lost. I didn't have a place to really go to. I just felt the Force and decided to follow it. I told her that. She said that I could join the group. I looked around and saw there was a space on my side at the top. I climbed the bleacher, wishing I wasn't here or at least people wouldn't stare at me. I didn't sit on the edge, but not too close to the people. The people next to me asked me a lot questions. They wanted to know my name, my age, where I was from, what earth was, was I a Jedi. I answered all of them, but I didn't like being questioned to death. I suggested that we should listen to the lady speak and they shut up. I listened to her for some seconds, realizing I didn't have a clue to what she was talking about. I asked the guys next to me. They said she was talking about the universe. I said she probably didn't know anything about Earth. They asked if I would talk about it. I kinda half hoped they would. I guess I like to show off what I know, but I hate talking to crowds. So I agreed and they volunteered me. I was asked to go to the center of the room and talk there.
I knew all eyes were on me. I didn't make eye contact. I just didn't focus looking when aping standing there. I explained earth in general terms. I told them we had countries and the US was the most powerful of them. I explained the ideas of psionics and Jedi. I then asked if they had any questions, and please keep them short because I had to go soon.
I was asked about our technology. I told them about computers, cars, airplanes and some more things. I was asked my age and there was one more question, but I don't remember it. I then said I had to go to sleep. The lady said I was welcomed to come back anytime.
I was going to really go to sleep when I thought about what I had done and how much nerve that too. I decided to go to Hatais to him all proud and what not of what I had done. I went to him and told him. He didn't comment or show any signs. He said that I was dodging meditation. I couldn't truly deny it. I don't want to do it. It takes so much work and it's not really fun. So I didn't say anything. I think I then left and went to bed.

[JediKaren]

The Indoors Forest
I was in bed, but nervous. I didn’t know why. I just knew that something felt weird. I heard in my head Hatais getting my attention. He said that I had to ap. He didn’t tell me why or where to go. I didn’t want to go, but I wasn’t going to ignore him.
I went to the Jedi hall. I went in and tried to get myself to relax in the peace. It wasn’t working. I suppose this sounds childish and silly, but my eyes were avoiding the guy standing in front of me. Well you could say he was why I was nervous. I didn’t know he was going to be there.
Finally I just grew up and looked at him. Gosh, what a weird feeling you get. You get a rush of fear, awe and something that I don’t know how to put into words. He motioned for me to come. He started walking and I walked behind him, like I do with any old people. He wanted me next to him. The walk wasn’t far. He opened a door, held a hand for me to wait and walked through. He came back in a few seconds and told me to go in.
I went in and entered a room of forest. There were green trees, and green grass and a huge rush waterfall. The whole place took my breath away. It was beautiful. I toured the grounds and the waterfall with him trailing behind me. At that point my father was in the next room talking to my mom, ruining my ability to stay aping. I stopped and went to bed, feeling somewhat guilty for quitting.

[JediKaren]

More Meditation
I went to my bed and just lay down on it, too tired to go into the covers. I was hoping I could just sleep that way and somehow get away with not aping that night. I felt someone, not sue who drag out my ap body and lay me down. Energy was sent through me and I was made to be still. I was allowed to get up and return to my body. I was still going to sleep, but that energy worked itself through me and I woke up somewhat. I got up and got ready for bed. I decided I would have to ap and I might as well do it.
I went to the Jedi hall and there was that guy again. It was understood that I was to go to the forest. I was told to pick a spot and sit down. I knew I was to meditate. I got my mind calm and clear. I then opened myself to the Force. I felt it flow through me, but I could not get my mind to let go and flow away with it. I got my mind to do it. I felt the current take me back to Earth. The current took me around the planet. I really didn’t sense anything of importance, or what I thought was important. I felt myself rising out of the current and back to the room I was in.
I looked at him, not sure what had gone on or what to think. He had me tell him what happened. He didn’t comment. He started playing with me, in a teasing/testing way. He was testing how far he could push my control over myself. Since I was alive I have lived with cats and I have a deep connection with them. The connection is so deep that I become them in my mind. I go into this must defense myself or hunt. I become extremely fierce. There are certain things that will trigger this reaction and the guy touching me was doing it. It was all I could do to not react. I badly wanted to attack him, but I couldn’t. I begged him to stop. He kept at it until I put distance between us. I wasn’t going to ruin my chance of becoming a knight. I then asked if I could go to bed. He said yes and I went back to my body fast.

[JediKaren]

Wondering
I laid in bed thinking. I was wondering about the Jedi Temple and if they had a leader and who it would be. I thought about meeting this person, but I realized that I was one in trillion or more. Such a leader wouldn’t have time for me when I really had no reason to meet them.

I wondered about Tyler and how pretty soon I would have to figure out how to suggest to the council I think he’s ready to be knighted. He had said that day that he asked to be healed by his guide and based on his story his guide did help. I had to wonder why the guide hasn’t done more. I knew that he or she had good reasons, but no one knew what they were. I wondered what the guide thought about my teaching and wonder what I was doing wrong. I wondered how much power I had over Tyler’s training and if I should back down and let the guide take over. I thought about if the guide thought I was taking over their job they would let me know somehow.

I went the Jedi Hall, hoping for some answers. I rved the whole place and felt a room was calling me. I went into it. It was an arena. By the Force, how many meeting rooms did this place have? I took a seat on the edge of a bench. I watched the fight. The skill level of the fighters was way beyond anything I could think up, not to mention to. The fight was amazing. A Jedi got up and sat next to me. I was asked if I was new. I said yes and asked if there was a main, top leader to this whole place. I was told yes. I decided this was not the place to get my answers and went to Calmista.

I tiredly went to Calmista. I was so tired I asked if I could just lye down until I fell asleep in real life and promised to ask my questions another time. I had gotten home from a family party late.

[JediKaren]

The Visit
Calmista the night before suggested that I go outside into the park to meditate on my own. I went out after dinner for a short walk and fought my way into the bamboo forest that my friends like to call it. I went to the spot where I first called out for help after my father had punched me. The spot was never very magically. It was at the bank of a stream with currently a lot of bamboo trees leaning over, giving it a hut like look. Anyway it was a private place where I could be alone with my thoughts and find peace.

I did meditate as suggested, but not for long, nor was it well done. I could really gather much of the Force and therefore couldn’t get my mind to let go. I did find some peace and when I stopped I was much quieter and felt calmer. I then went back home to get on the internet.
I was doing my usual visits of sites when I came to Craig’s role playing site. I went to his blog and there was a link to a Jedi site. I decided to visit it. It was a site about people really being Jedi. I don’t mean having lightsabers, but practicing acting like a Jedi, feel the Force and trusting it. The site had another site, which I visited that turned out to be a forum. I joined the forum and put my bio on there. Sometime later someone added me to their msn and they were one of mods of the forum. She was really impressed with my bio. That was a relief. You never know how sites are going to take my history.

I went to bed, wondering what I should do for my nightly ap. I decided to go to Hatais to ask. I knocked, went in, sat down and told him that I needed something to do. Somehow, I don’t remember how, we got talking about if the guy I have been meeting was real. I honestly couldn’t come up with a solid answer. I was having people question me online and I just kept doubting. Hatais opened the door and told me I would have to decide before I could be knighted. I tried to refuse and beg him not to make me do this. I told him I didn’t know where this guy was. He said that I would find him. I went out the door, which closed itself and kicked the door out of anger. I went to the door of the hall and leaned against the wall. I had to calm down. I couldn’t go in there all rallied up. When I felt calmer I went in. I stopped a few steps pass the door. I thought of the guy and used a rv trick that I taught Tyler that day to find this guy. At first I couldn’t pinpoint him. I followed the feel as best as I could and figured out how to find his door.

I knocked and was told to come in. I looked around really quickly and then looked at him. I was so tense and nervous I burst out laughing and lost my link. I broke the ap and couldn’t stop nervously laughing. I would calm down and think about aping and the whole thing would start again. I must have sat there in my bed unable to get myself to go back. I convinced myself that it wasn’t that bad and I had been so much worse.

I got myself to go back, but I had to stand in the hall, next to his room and go slowly. I came in and fought myself to stop blushing. I was told to sit down. I was still tense. He just looked at me, making me squirm in real life. I knew he was waiting for me to calm down and relax. The more he waited the more my body relaxed. I wasn’t doing anything. It seemed like the amount of peace in that room was making me doing it. At some point I closed my eyes and totally let go and drifted with the Force. It was the best meditate that I had done. I didn’t think. I didn’t try to do anything. I didn’t really feel anything and yet I felt the Force. I wasn’t taken to anywhere or anything. I tried to come out of it, but I felt that I wasn’t suppose to yet, so I just kept on. Sometime later I came out and stayed out.

I was asked questions that I swear was leading me back into circles. At some point I told him that I needed proof that he existed. I needed proof that I could see. I wanted him to show up on my plane, in my room. I told him that I didn’t think he wouldn’t do it. I knew that spirits only do this if you need it, not want it. But I did need it. I needed the proof. Finally I was told to leave. He didn’t tell me anything. I was about to ask why and other questions, but I made myself shut up and leave.

Outside of his room I was fuming. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t get any answers. It was a waste of my time and energy being there. Grrr. I decided to stop aping and just go to bed. I couldn’t sleep, I was too upset. I went to Calmista to vent off my anger. She made me stop aping, worried that I would do something that I would regret. Regret? Like regret going to that guy in the first place? She said that I didn’t need to see him. I didn’t care. She said I was acting like a 5 year old. I still didn’t care. She tried to get me to lie still to be put to sleep, but I couldn’t do that. First I was hot, then I couldn’t stand to be on my back. Then I couldn’t get myself to calm down. It went on like that until I was asleep.

[JediKaren]

The Truth
The whole day had been one big nervous wreak for me. I was tense, worried, scared, angry at anyone who didn’t support more or give me a straight answer, and confused. I tried to talk to people, but no one seemed to know what was really going on. They all said that it could be true, that it was possible. That wasn’t good enough. I had to know. It was driving me nuts. I would force myself to go that night and find the truth no matter what the truth was or how long it too.
The time came and I found myself stalling. I was nervous, but determined. I did everything I could to get pumped up. I sat down on the floor, stared through my window to the neighbor’s window and tried to relax. I aped to the door of the Jedi hall and knocked. I walked to where I went the night before, but I found he wasn’t there. After getting over a small panic I found he was one room over. When I got to the right door I noticed I was getting more nervous, but still willing to do it. I opened the door and walked in. There was a desk with some lady. I hardly even looked at her. She asked me why I was here. I told her I had to see this guy. She let me go past her. I walked down a short, very dark hallway and stopped at another door. This time I knocked softly. This time I was determined to be polite.
I was told to come in and did so. The room was not well light. I noticed there was another Jedi there. I paused for a second, wishing the second Jedi wasn’t there, but it was way too late to be thinking that. I stared into the eyes of someone who had my great respect and I suppose you could say fear. This one being, one that I have yet to name was Master Yoda himself.
Up until now I doubted his existence. He couldn’t be real. He was just another spirit that was using this image to make things easier. God, if that was true, well it was all wrong. To use that mask was lying to me in the worst way. I looked at him and asked if he was real and wanted a straight, clear, Jedi answer. I got one and it was yes. I asked again, rephrasing the question; the answer again was yes. I had to wonder how and he explained.
He existed here, in the Jedi hall because the Force existed. He really was once alive, in the form I saw him before me. He had been known as different names, but he was still the same person. He told me that everyone on Earth is Force sensitive, but most of us don’t know it. Only some are waking up to this fact. The reason why Jedi, the Force, and him took off so well all over the world is because George Lucas had given a name to things we all subconsciously knew. We all can feel the Force, but we didn’t have a name that we could all agree upon. The ideas from the movies are real and have existed for thousands of years and not just on Earth.
At some point in this lecture my cat had come in. I had forgotten to close the door. I asked if I could remove the cat, but I told not to. When he was done I had to ask him why he cared enough about me to meet and talk with me all the times he has. He said that he watched over me since I was born and I was an interest to him.
When I was about three or four, I don’t remember, there was one day where my preschool teacher was coming to my house to meet me for the first time. I was incredible shy back then and I didn’t want to meet her. I decided to hide in my room and stay away from her. When I was in my room I heard this voice. The voice was deep, low, loud and seemed to come from everywhere in the room. The voiced seemed to be angry, and as I remember, not at me, but at the world or something big. I was so terrified I couldn’t move for a long time. I finally decided I rather face the teacher than the voice and ran out. In less than five minutes later I went back to my room, thinking I would face the voice rather than the teacher. The only thing was the voice wasn’t there and I never heard it again.
I thought about this memory and wondered when I heard I had been watched over. I asked if it was him. He said yes. I told him the voice had been angry. He said that was me who heard it wrong. Even as little as I was, I was suffering from abusive treatment. I expected people to yell at me, to be angry. In truth, I have no memory of this. I never noticed the anger until years later.
I was finally and politely demised. I noted that I was completely calm and content. Any fear I had melted away. I said goodbye and left. I went to bed feeling slightly shocked and not totally sure what to think. He had told me things that I felt like I knew, but couldn’t put into words. The whole thing made sense and had given me a strong sense of peace.

[JediKaren]

A Bad Day
It was one of those days were you think the worse has happen, but you’re wrong. It never seems to stop. This day started around 3 am in the morning. I woke up, hearing something. It took me a second to realize it was my mom going to bed. It took me another second to realize she was drunk. Fear took over my sleepiness. I made myself stay in bed. I listened to her, trying to see if she had made it into bed. I never heard anything that told me she had. I fell back asleep.

I woke up again around 6:30. I went into my parent’s room to find her on the floor, curled up. There was a blanket over it. The sight was so pitiful it made me sad, scared and pale. I went online to check my various sites out. Things continued to get worse.

The night before Tyler, my student, had posted a very rude message to Paul. He was breaking the rules by being disrespectful and used a curse word. I could tell there was some deep anger that he finally let out in his message. Paul had posted back, telling everyone on the site though busy his store had been, the fact that he hurt his back and Tyler needed to get some control. Paul asked that Tyler write back an apology. I had pmed Tyler the night before telling him that if he were to get banned because of this, I could ban him from my teaching.

The morning went on and I got a chance to talk to Tyler. It wasn’t good. Tyler acted as if nothing was wrong. He tried to joke about it and then lie. I tried to force the truth out of him. According to Tyler, he saw nothing wrong with calling Paul a b****. He tried to tell me he wasn’t angry when he posted that. I explained to him that no one calls someone that word unless they are angry. He argued the point that yes you could. He was completely missing my point.

Joe, the manager of the site, few other mods and I, got together to talk about if we should ban Tyler for a week because he had posted that he would not apologize to Paul. We wondered if we should just let both Paul and Tyler cool down. We also argued about if banning Tyler would work or not. One mod pointed out that would anger Tyler even more. I was so fed up with Tyler’s attitude that I didn’t bother to defend him. There was nothing to defend anyway. It was finally agreed that Tyler needed to be woken up with a ban of a week. No one seemed to feel too bad about this, but I did. This meant I would have to ban Tyler from my teaching. I had put so much energy, time and thinking into his training.

Tyler got on later that day. I told Tyler the news. He wasn’t happy. He tried to make me explain why I was doing this. I had many reasons. He was rude. He saw no problem with his anger. He wouldn’t practice what I taught. He didn’t take my training seriously. He responded to all of this in different ways. He tried to make this sound like a joke. Then he turned on me and said I was useless. I was holding him back. I almost laughed at that. It was the exact words that Anakin Skywalker had used for the same reason. He said that he would train himself. I told him it was a very hard and long road. He said that his goal in life was to become a better Jedi than I was. I didn’t respond to that. I hope he did do that. Right now it looked like it was never going to happen. He tried to soften me up when I said that he could come back when he grew up and matured. I told him to stop trying to trick me. I had used all those tricks on Calmista and they didn’t work.

The hardest part was getting off the ‘puter. I didn’t want to leave Tyler. I didn’t want to accept that this was the end. I felt like I did something horribly wrong. I picked Tyler, knowing he was immature, hoping I could change that with training. I didn’t. He wanted the title, but did not want to do the work. I didn’t know that when I picked him. I wish I did.

The rest of the day passed slowly and sadly. Pain and fear repeatly came back to me. It got so bad that I got online and confessed to Paul, who told me he felt my pain. I knew this was the night to go to Calmista. This is what she’s really here for. Even still I didn’t want to go to bed. I didn’t want to sleep.

I forced myself to go to bed way past 10pm. I sat in bed, full of fear and tired. I aped to Calmista’s door. She opened it and let me in. I went to her and cried. Strangely I didn’t shed a tear in real life. I sobbed in her arms. She seemed taken back and not sure what to do. She got me to sit on the bed, with an arm around me. I told her about Tyler. She said it wasn’t my fault. I calmed down somewhat. I was still scared about my mom getting drunk again. She said that I had been through this enough that I would get through tonight. It was somewhat strange that Calmista didn’t give me the support I was looking for.

I asked Calmista not to tell the Jedi about this weakness I had. She said that she couldn’t stop the Jedi from knowing. If the Jedi wanted to know, they would. She suggested that I go to the Jedi for help. I told her no. I wouldn’t face them like this. They couldn’t help. They had no idea what it’s like to live in this life. Jedi don’t get abused like this. They wouldn’t know how to heal it. Calmista said to just go. I wanted her to come with me. She said that she would walk me to the door of the Jedi hall.

We got there in what seemed in seconds. I was so upset that I wasn’t focusing on moving. She said that spirit guides can lead you around even if you’re not conscious of the feeling. I told her I didn’t want to be here. She had turn around to leave. I asked where was I suppose to go, but I didn’t get an answer. I was about to go into a fit, but I stopped myself. I knew the pain I was in could easily fall into a storm of anger. I went in the Jedi hall. I used rv to sense the room I was suppose to go to and felt a stab of pain as I remembered teaching Tyler this. I went for the room, knocked and went in. I gasped as I looked at the being inside. The woman wasn’t human. She was long, skinny and strange looking. She asked what was it. I told her that I wasn’t use to seeing someone who wasn’t human. She didn’t seem offended. She asked me why I was here. I told her Calmista, my guide, has sent me here.

She had me go in this other room, a healing room of course. I was told to sit on the bed. She had me explain what was wrong. She told me to breathe in slowly and she meant slowly. She had me hold it and breathe out slowly. I felt my fear get stronger. She said that was supposed to happen. I was hiding and suppressing my fears. She had me breathe like this for a while before my fears got a hold of me. I was impatient and tired. She wouldn’t let me lay down in real life because I would fall asleep. She wanted me to sleep in peace. I don’t remember how I went to sleep, but I do remember stopping my ap trip.