JK's Second Jedi AP Trips

[JediKaren]

A Night That I can’t summarize in a few words.
I went to the Jedi hall. I had been really hyper that evening. I went in the hall, stopped and looked around. I was trying to avoid looking at the guy in front of me. Gosh, you think I would get over this shyness. I realized not looking was only making the problem worse and stare at Yoda. He waved me to come walk with him. I thought we would go to the forest room, but no, he kept on. It was all I could do to keep quiet and not ask. He stopped, pointed at the end of the hall and then disappeared. I stared at the spot where he had been and wondered how could someone disappear like that.

I went to the end of the hall and opened the door. The room was very dark. I couldn’t see the room at all. I stood still, sensing the room out, looking for a trap. Although I hadn’t sensed anyone at first I came to know that Yoda was standing next to me. He took my hand and lead me across the room, to this door and disappeared again. I was expecting something or someone to attack me and stood still again, waiting. Suddenly, without warning the lights came on. I was blinded by the intense lighting. Yoda came from high above and attacked me in the insanely fast way he had in the movies. I panicked, barely having time to get out my lightsaber and attempt to block some blow. I went for the door, ready to run for my life, knowing staying here would get me killed. Had I thought about the attack for just three seconds I would have realized it wasn’t real. Instead I forced myself not to run, but to stay and the attack ended and I didn’t see him at all. I thought about what had happened and why. I figured out that I had hesitated at the door, which was a big mistake. I walked to the door again, this time not looking or expecting anything to happen. The door was locked. I touched the door using the Force, unlocking it and went into the next room.

This room was also very dark. I was getting bored with the dark effect. It wasn’t scaring me. I didn’t care that I couldn’t see. In a corner I saw an orange glowing exit sign that you see in stores and movie theatres. I thought that was convenient. I walked towards the sign. The floor gave way and I nearly fell into darkness. I had managed to grab the edge of the floor and hang on. I climbed back up on the floor and took a step. Once again the floor broke and I nearly fell. This time I had grabbed the edge of the floor that was parallel to the wall. I decided not to trust the floor and got out my lightsaber. I edged the floor and used my lightsaber to hack at the floor to get to the door. When I got to the door, I climbed up, open the door, and rolled onto the floor, shaking and panting.

The last room was dark also. I made myself get up and calm down enough to focus on the room. This darkness was different from the other room. It was a cold, evil darkness that made your hair stand on end. I knew the darkside was here. I could hear it call to me. I tried to ignore and use the Force the sense where the exit was. The problem was I couldn’t touch the Force. I tried to gather psi and other energies, but none of them would let me access them. I knew this was bad. I caught myself having dark thoughts and evil emotions. I thought about Jedi, peace, light and goodness. I walked, slowly to the exist and went out of that creepy room.
The next room was a hall and thank goodness I could see. It looked like the Jedi hall in the movies. There were wide, tall glass windows to my right. There was door at the end of this short hall. I went for it, opened it and panicked again. Inside I saw Jedi. I didn’t get a good look, but I knew at first sight I was staring at the famous Jedi council. The door closed on itself own. Many curses and such came into my head. I couldn’t stop them. I wondered why I was lead here. What had I done? I always thought going to the council, when not a knight and without a master could only be bad. I knew I had a long list of rules I had broken.

My thoughts wondered off. I didn’t mean to stall, but I had. Suddenly, once again without warning, Obi-Wan Kenobi was standing near me. He looked rather staticy and not solid and real looking like everyone else did. He told me that the council was waiting for me. This didn’t help me calm down. I asked him why he looked the way he did. I don’t really remember his response. I told him I would go and he went away. I took a breath and went in.

It was all I could do to make myself walk to the center of the room. I looked up, half scared to see not just twelve Jedi, but more like twenty five Jedi. They were all looking at me. I didn’t make eye contact. I was asked a lot of questions. Everyone seemed to ask only one question. Finally the subject of knighthood came up. I was asked if I should be made a knight. I let the question roam in my head, looking for the right answer. Yes didn’t seem right. I didn’t know why, but something was missing. There was some sort of training that I didn’t have that would make me a knight. I told them not yet and why. There was a long silence. I was told to go. I don’t know why but I left the room upset and depressed. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I told the truth. I then left, stop aping and went to bed, not to sleep for a long time.

[JediKaren]

More Healing
The night before last I was planning on just going to bed and catching up on my sleep. I still had not gotten use to getting up at 6am and going to school. The was this man's voice that in a telepathic way told me that I had to ap to the Jedi hall. For a while I laid in bed, not wanting to, but I couldn't ignore the guy.
I went to the hall and there I saw this healer who was a woman. She had me come in her office, lay on her bed and relaxed. She ran energy through me, saying this would help me sleep better and stop having nightmares, which I had been having for two nights in a row. The next day, or yesterday I was still sleepy in class, but I did have a good night.
I talked to Calmista a few days ago who said that I had to meditate two times this week. One day I had to do it on my own in real life and the other time I would do it with someone. I decided on Wednesday I would do it on my own and on Thursday I would do it with someone. Wednesday came and I went on a walk in the woods looking for a good place to do it. There is this big rock that is near the soccer fields. I sat on the rock, trying to relax and draw the force to me. The noise was too much. I gave up and went back home. I meant to ap before I went to bed, but that never happened. I went to bed and tried again to ap. My mind refused to focus on quietness and peace. I tried over and over, but I just kept wondering away. I knew I should let Calmista know about this. I didn't really want her to know about this failure. It was my fault that I didn't plan. It was my fault that I couldn't focus.
I went to her room. I was let in. She instantly knew that I hadn't done my task. I sat on the bed, not looking at her, feeling scared of her. The reason is I was treating her as if she was my father. I did this because there have been so many times I haven't done something for my father and had to tell him. It’s never fun and I'm scared of him. I fear that he will yell or hit me. He gets angry so fast for such stupid reasons.
Calmista saw this fear and made me tell why I was acting like this. She said she would never be like my father. Yes, she wasn't happy, but she would never get mad. She said that I would have to do it tomorrow, liked I promised. Meanwhile she wanted me to go back to writing my log. I was having allergies. The pollen was high and I just took more meds before going to bed. I could still feel the effects of the pollen, waiting for the meds to do something. Calmista seemed worried it wasn’t the pollen that was making me so tired. I argued it was nothing. She said that last year I had “bad allergies” that didn’t go away and got worse. It turned out to be a cold. She looked at me. She said that she would take me to somewhere that I could be put to sleep. I was less than happy about this.
She led me out of her room and through hallways. It was very confusing because I swear we were going one direction and then the exact other way. I told her this and she wanted me to be confused. I stopped paying attention to where I was going.
I was told to go into this room and sit in this dentist chair. I was told to relax and wait for the healer to come. A lady with dark hair came in. She said that was going to give me something to nearly put me to sleep. It wasn’t fun, but the effect was immediate. My mind went numb, my brain relaxed along with my body. She sent energy through me. Calmista and the healer started talking as if I wasn’t there. The truth was I was half out anyway, but I could still hear them. They got into the subject of how strong minded I am. Calmista asked me to try to wake up and get out of this drugged sleep. I did as told and stopped aping to do it. I nearly threw the whole sleepiness off. I half didn’t want to because I didn’t mind being asleep. I was told to come back and did so. There I was put to sleep for real.

[JediKaren]

Strange Problem
Paul used a guilt attack to get me to meditate on my own that night. I was planning on just aping there and meditate with someone, but he told me I had promised Calmista I would do this and hadn’t. I sat in bed, relaxed and opened myself up to the Force. I let it flow through me and then let go of my needs and wants and drifted away with the Force for sometime. It gives you this weird feeling that I don’t know how to explain. It’s also strange that when you stop if feels like you are rising out of something. It feels as if the Force itself decided how long I can stay in this state and when I must get out.

I aped to Calmista’s room ready to do another meditate, even thought I thought I had done enough. I knocked on her door and the door opened. Before I had a chance to do anything the door slammed itself closed. I knocked again, being surprise. The door opened and closed loudly again. Then the door seemed to open and close itself. It was scaring me. At first I thought it was me was to blame. Maybe I was just imaging it or maybe my mood was bad. I had just meditated and was much calmer so that couldn’t have been it. I backed away from her room and took a few steps towards the stairs so I could do down. I couldn’t believe this was happening and had to try her door one more time. The results had not change from the last time.
I gave up and went down to Hatais. I have been avoiding him. He tends to annoy me and stir up anger, like a parent by making me do things I don’t want to do, but know I have to do. I made it a policy not to go to him if I’m bored or not sure what to do. This time seemed to be different, but my hopes were not high.

He told me to come in even before I had knocked. I’m not sure how he does that. He told me to sit down as usual. I told him what had happened at Calmista’s door. I was worried I was going to be at fault and get a lecture. I was wrong. He didn’t lecture me, but seemed worried. I thought maybe there was something wrong with the temple. He asked if Calmista was in the room. I told him no because I had tried to sense her room and she was not there. He became distance for a minute and said she was no where near her room. He didn’t know what was going on.

I told him about how I was suppose to meditate. He said that I didn’t have to do it. I was worried I would still get into trouble. He said that if he said no, I wouldn’t be at fault. He suggested that I go to a healer and get some sleep. I did as told and left his room to go find myself a healer and a good night’s rest.

[JediKaren]

A Talk
It was one of those nights that I was bound to go no where or meet anyone. It was a night that I was able to think. My thoughts lead themselves to me and wondering why I hadn’t been given anything to do by the Jedi. I wanted to get out of the house. I needed to get away from my parents. The Jedi and the temple knew of the darkness, the danger that was in my house. I had proven that I could fight it so why was I being kept here? Why didn’t they trust me?
My questioning mood led me to aping. With some failing nerves I aped right in front of the temple council’s door. I didn’t have a reason why I was there, I just felt drawn there. The last time I had talked with the main leader I had been invited to come back and talk whenever I needed to. Going to him still made me nervous and I could so easily talk myself out of it. I didn’t. I knew I had to do this.
I knocked and was told to come in. I saw him, the leader, standing in the middle of the room. I was standing in the dark and he told me to come to him. He nudged me into talking, but I got so nervous, my mind went blank and it became hard to utter anything. It took several tries, but I finally got out my question. Why was I stuck in a house full of the darkside. Why wasn’t I given anything important to do?
His answer was simple. No one thought I was able to really take care of myself alone. They wanted to wait until I had gotten into college and shown I could survive without my parents. It was not an answer that I was happy with. It meant more waiting, more arguments, and more pain. I think he knew and understood all that and reminded me that I have come this far so I will make it. With that he told me he had a special healer in a room next room. He wanted me to go there to get some peace and quiet and to sleep. I remember lying down and him holding my head, while some lady was forcing my mind to quiet.

[JediKaren]

The Movie
As a reward for getting one C+ in Spanish and the rest Bs and up for my report card my mom said I could go somewhere with my friend Amy. After a lot of talking and thinking I came up with the idea of going to a movie. So yesterday was a very rainy, cold day that was so bad that Amy’s horse show was cancelled and we were free to go to a movie. We decided that we wanted to see a scary are rated movie and a new one had just come out called Silent Hill. I had no idea what the movie was about, but it sounded good and creepy.
The movie was good and creepy. It was about this girl who sleepwalks and says “silent hill”. The mother decided to find this Silent Hill to make the girl remember and stop the sleepwalking. When they get to the town the mother, who is in the car, sees the figure of a girl and looses control over the car. The car stops, she hits her head and blacks out. When she wakes up she goes to the town looking for the daughter who left the car.
The town is old, covered in dust and is raining ash. It turns out the town is haunted and at certain times the town comes alive with half alive creatures. The mother is being lead through the town by the sound of a crying child. In the end she finds out why the town is like it is and the ending is very confusing and weak.
I left the movie with shivers. I wasn’t really scared. I knew what scared was. I knew the movie wasn’t real, but with my intense imagination I can sometimes think things too far. During the day and evening I could not stop thinking about the movie. When it came to bed I got into bed, but had to convince myself nothing was going to attack me. I said my normal “may the Force be with you Jedi” and told myself to get over this fear because I’m sure there was a rule for Jedi about not seeing scary movies just to scare you.
I had been bored throughout the day and was looking forward to going to the temple because then I would have something to do. I went to the Jedi hall and went in. I leaned against the doorway relieved to be somewhere truly safe. The guard who lets me in asked me if I was ok. I said yes. I searched the hall for anything that would call me or interest me. I felt the door on the right slightly “speak” to me. It was then that I remember that was the room with the waterfall and the plants. I went inside and looked around. It was so peaceful. I sensed someone behind me and decided I would have to show that I knew about the person.
I turned around and saw Yoda again. I sorta stared at him in shock. What on earth was he doing here? He told me to come with him. As we walked he asked me if I was scared. I said yes, thinking nothing of the question. I explained to him about the movie and that was why. We walked around the pond that the waterfall had made and through the tunnel of the waterfall and then all the way around until we were exactly opposite of the waterfall. I was wondering why we just gone right didn’t and go the short way, but I didn’t mention it because I knew he had his reasons.
He sat down on this rock and I took a seat on the ground, leaning against the base of a grayish tree. He looked at me as if he was scanning me. I looked around, trying to figure out what to do. He kept looking at me and I got more worried. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. I tried to think of all the books I’ve read. None of them hinted anything about this. I was getting down right panicked. I made myself calm down and remembered all the times I had been with him. It was then I remembered that I should probably meditate.
I opened myself to the Force and for a brief minute I felt a rush of the Force around me. It was strong, good and pure. Then it seemed to dwindled to a stream. It was going right through my stomach. I gathered more, or at least tried to. There didn’t seem any more to gather. It was only then did I realize why I was here and why I was doing this. I was here because I came here scared. I was meditating because I admitted I was scared from the movie. I realized how slow I was to figure this out and how stupid this must have looked. I burst out laughing and stopped aping. I laughed for a while, desperate to stop and go back to aping. I was embarrassed and found it hard to get myself to come back. I had to go very slowly, forcing myself not to think of him until I was fully there. The thing was he wasn’t sitting in front of me. He was standing next to me.
He was not happy. In fact he was down right snorting and grunting in anger. It was sorta scary. I looked at him confused. What was going on? I knew that it was wrong to stop aping, but I did that before and he never acted this way. What had I done? He stomped off. I took a few steps after him asking what was it. He wouldn’t answer. I asked if this was a joke. I was seriously hoping this was just an act and he was trying to make a point or getting me to do something. He got to the door, turned around to glare and walked away.
I stood there, thoroughly confused. I tried to make myself believe this was just an act, just play. I got myself to go to his room and say I was sorry. When I got to his door I was nervous. Going to him, when you’re not sure what you’ve done so wrong is really hard. I knocked softly. I wanted to show that I was sorry. I wanted to be nice and polite. I was told to come in. I took a quick look around. Some day I would like to get a good look at that room when he’s not there. I was told to sit down. I tried to not be nervous. I told him I was sorry. He was no longer that angry, but it wasn’t reinsuring.
He said that I should of never come to the Hall scared. It was just plain wrong. He said that I would work on this fear. I would work on my abused past problem. He said that I would work on all these fears he named. It was harsh hearing him say all this. When he was done he told me I should leave. I was so taken back and hurt that I hurried out. As soon as I was out of his room I ran. I ran down the hall. I ran out of the Hall. I ran past Hatais and up the stairs as fast as I could. I ran to the second floor and to Calmista’s room. When she opened the door I ran into her arms crying silently. She held me and walked me over to her bed. She asked me what was wrong. I told her everything. I told her it wasn’t fair. I cried some more. I then suddenly just stopped aping and cried a little in real life. Gosh it wasn’t fair. I wanted to get angry at him. I had a mind to attack him, to throw my anger at him, but I knew I could never do that. For a long time I was restless in my bed. I went back to Calmista and explained more of what happened. I don’t remember what she said, but I know that I fell asleep afterwards.

[JediKaren]

The Fight of Anger
I had spent the morning switching emotions from angry to depress. I could not sop thinking about the night before and how badly it went. I felt that it wasn’t fair that I was getting told off for problem that I knew about, had been told about and was trying to do something about. If they wanted me to work on these fears then why don’t they help me work on them? So far the Jedi haven’t done anything.
I went to bed knowing that I would have to ap, thought thoroughly not wanting to. I had no where to go with no one to meet. I was sick of everyone. I laid in my bed with my thoughts racing. I heard someone tell me to ap. I mentally told them no. They didn’t give up and I refused to listen to them. I aped to Calmista’s room to get away from them, but felt myself being tugged away everytime I tried to ap. I stopped aping and refused all together to do anything. I demanded a name of the person speaking to me. The answer was very surprising. It was Anakin Skywalker.
I had to wonder if this really was the good man that had turned from Darth Vader. My answer was yes. I was told that if I would let him lead me to a place he wanted me to be he would see me, but not as I expected. With more arguing, cursing and some not very nice jokes I agreed to let him lead my ap body.
He took me to a room that was squarish with a matted floor. True to his word he didn’t really like look anyone from the movies. He told me that he wanted me to fight him. I told him no. I was too angry and I knew you don’t fight when you’re angry. It doesn’t work to dance, write or draw in anger and I knew the same would be true should I fight. Of course the answer was obvious, calm down and then I could fight him. Yes I could do that, but I didn’t want to fight him.
He drew out his red blade lightsaber and Force grabbed mine out of my belt and lit it up. He then placed both blades on either side of my neck. I was attempting to find a door that would get me out of this room and away from him. He told me to turn around and I did so. He handed back my lightsaber, still on and said fight. I really had no choice at that time. I sighed, looked at my beautiful, pure, clear electricity blue blade and was lost in wonder. Oh how I really do love that blade. I kept my focus on the blade, allowing myself to become a part of it, or maybe the other way around. I felt the room, and him inside the room and got to know the room perfectly. I was then ready to fight.
He was the first to attack with that being the proper form. A Jedi never ever attacks first for that shows aggressive. He was slow, jerkily and lacked the flow a Jedi should have. I asked him if there was a point to this, he said yes. He slowly got better and faster, making it harder for me to block him. At some point he matched my skill and went beyond that. I knew he was going to go all the way to the top and I would loose. It’s strange how everyone who fights me is much better than me and never fights me on a fair skill level.
While it looked like I was going to loose I wasn’t going without a fight. I didn’t really want to fight him, I could win and to loose would be wrong. There seemed to be no option. I purposely got myself trapped in a corner, clearing showing he had win and asked if we could stop. He said no. I sighed again and as he came forward to attack I ran through his legs and turned to face him. This would have been a great time to attack him, but I didn’t want to. I just didn’t want to do this. He, once again had me to a wall and I just gave up. He came at me and his lightsaber went through my neck. Using trilocation, which gives me a third person view I was able to see my head get hacked off just for second and then reappeared. It really didn’t hurt at all, though very shocking. His point was to show that I really can get killed and I knew it.
He turned off his lightsaber and asked me to follow him. As a reward for fighting him he told before hand that he would put me to sleep. He asked me to sit in this chair that would tell him if anything medically was wrong with me. There really wasn’t anything, but a bit of stress. I was then told to lie down on this bed and then I was asleep.

[JediKaren]

Another Floor
For a chance I let myself be taken to the place I was wanted. I found myself in the Jedi Hall, looking in front of me to see him once again in front of me. I groaned and silently wished he would go away. I wasn’t in the mood to do something wrong again. In the end I did walk up to him and asked what I had done wrong. He smiled and started walking. I asked if I could have my head back, hinting that he bite it off while lecturing me to death. He still said nothing.
He stopped at a random door and it opened on its own. The room inside was very small with no lights and two seats on opposite sides of the walls. He walked in, took a seat and then I followed, wondering what was going to happen. The room turned out to be an elevator. It was not very smooth and was bounce every time it got to a floor. I looked at him in slight shock when I realized what we were in and asked if there were floors to the Jedi Hall. He nodded. The door opened and I waited for him to go first. Once outside of the elevator I looked around to see a place that reminded me of a mall. There was a lightsaber fight going on my left. Along the walls were rooms that were open for the world to see. The floor had big, gaping wholes that had had glass railing, that you could look over and see the floor below.

He said that he would leave me and went back to the elevator. I was startled by this, not quite knowing where I was or what I was supposed to do. I went over to the lightsaber fight. The fight was intense and interesting to watch. It was being watched by a woman, that I gathered was a teacher of some sort. I looked at her, trying to get her attention. She looked at me and gestured for me to wait. The fight turned into a kicking fight with one teenager kicking the other so hard he went down on his back. The fight moved over to my left and the woman walked passed them. I thought she would tell them off for the aggressiveness of the fight, but I was wrong.
The woman asked me my name. She said that I was in a Jedi school or academy if I wanted to think of it that way. I had to ask if the students here were…alive. She said most were and were by aping. Some, sadly had died and came here through becoming one with the Force. There was no hint of sadness in her voice and I did not press the subject. She offered to give me a tour of the place.
She walked to over to the left of the place. There were rooms full of desks for learning and studying. There were rooms for lightsaber fights as well as open room for them. There were meditation rooms and rooms dedicated for learning about using the Force. When the tour ended I asked if I could go for I was incredibly tired and didn’t feel like having to type up any more than I had to of this night. She said that I could and for once I fell asleep on my own.

[JediKaren]

Help
Paul and I had a chat about training and my problems. It was 3am for me and I think I got bad at him for being mad at me. He wasn’t truly mad, just frustrated. Later that day he must of felt the need to explain himself more to me and sent me this email.
“Hi Karen,
Yesterday, you asked me an important question. I am using this format to answer you ao I can clearly collect my thoughts, rather than in the IM format. You asked me why I have been so hard on you from time to time. It was a good question, and deserves a detailed answer.
Being a Jedi, a true jedi, involves a certain amount of discipline, whether self or externally imposed. This is because of the nature of the mission of the Jedi, 'to serve and protect', which often puts them in difficult situations. There is much to learn to be a jedi, it's not all lightsaber work. It involves learning the fine art of diplomacy, of negotiation, brining people of diverse views and beliefs togather. This, along with the swordplay, involves having a clear and focused mind, instantly able to recognize and come up with creative solutions. Not everything can be solved with a lightsaber. This is where meditation comes in.
Diplomacy is not an easy thing to learn, it is far more difficult than the physical exercises. I do not believe you have yet begun this aspect of your training at the Temple. Thus far, your experiences can be divided into three categories: lightsaber training, meditation, and healing. The healing aspects have been practiced on you, instead of by you, so far.
You have been exposed to several different levels of the Jedi leadership, including council members, Yoda, Anakin, Darth Vader, and others. In nearly every instance of meeting these people, you have shown varying stages of nervousness, anger, trepidation, questioning of authority, and general disrespect. You have shown this lack of trust to Calmista and Hatais, as well as various healers, as well. Is it no wonder that Yoda has been a little grumpy with you?

Jedi training, as I mentioned earlier, requires a certain amount of discipline. It was never meant to be easy, as the merely curious must be weeded out in the process. Only the tough survive the training, the others are dismissed or recommended to other less demanding life paths. I have been trying to help you in this training. Yes, I have been harsh. But it is not because I don't care about you and your path. Quite to the contrary, I care deeply that you find a way to open up your heart and to get totally involved in your training, for you have the potential to become a great Jedi.
Perhaps I can explain by using an allegory, a story with a hidden meaning. Read between the lines, and see how the story might have meaning to you. This is the story of how Damascas steel swords are made.
Damascas steel swords are not ordinary by any means, and in ancient times were greatly prized, as they stood up to abuse that would shatter lesser quality blades. This is because of the way they were made. In making a damascas blade, it took two types of iron, one carbon-rich and hard, and one that was low in carbon, and thus much softer. The hard steel was brittle and would break easily, yet would take a good edge. The soft steel would bend, rather than break, but dulled easily. The desire was to create a sword that would be hard, but would not break. The secret was in how these two different metals came togather, giving the finished product the best charactistics of both of them.
In those days, they did not have the chemical analysis and other equipment to figure this out, so when the craftsmen discovered just what was necessary, they kept the process a closely held secret. We now know how it was done. They took the two different irons and heated them until they were red hot. Only when it is hot, can iron be easily shaped. Once the iron was heated to the proper temperature, the two pieces were taken out of the fire, laid on an anvil, and pounded togather, fusing them into one piece. It was then put back into the fire, heated until it was soft again, then taken out, hammered until it folded in half, and hammered again until the two halves became one piece, making four layers. Back into the fire it went, over and over again, each time being hammered into more layers, each layer becoming thinner over time. This was done until the layers became as thin as a sheet of paper or thinner. If you ever see a knife or sword made using this technique, it will look like wood grain, with the layers visible along the narrow edge, where it is sharpened.
The sword would have remained an ordinary sword, had it not been heated and hammered repeatedly. In our allegory, the heating and hammering represents the discipline that I and others have been putting you through. You have been resisting the training that you have been asked to participate in, time after time. Thus you have had to go back into the metaphorical fire, to be softened up, so that your training can move on to the next level. Cooperating with your trainers, placing your trust in them that they know what they are doing, will shorten the time that you have to spend on each of the lessons. It is not until you master all the lessons, that you can truly be called a Jedi Knight. I think that you understand this. The speed at which you progress is entirely up to you, yet we who are involved in your training do grow frustrated from time to time at your seeming lack of progress. Again, this is out of love, not out of anger or hatred. I know that sometimes it appears differently, but this is the truth.
We want you to be able to stand among the ranks of the Jedi knights, ready to be called to any task that may become necessary. In time, you will write books about what it means to be Jedi from various aspects, the discipline, dedication, diplomacy, saberwork, and more.”
Once I had read this letter I talked to Paul and felt a lot better, for a while. Then Tyler came on. Every time he gets on I get nervous. I won’t let him know I’m nervous and act rather coldly at him if I’m ignoring him. This time he asked if I would take him back. My first reaction to this request was no, just plain no. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed. I told Paul what had happened. Paul said to make Tyler wait a week. Somehow a week didn’t feel right after all the pain I’ve been going through. I told Tyler after two weeks he would have to explain to me why he wanted to be trained again and only then would I consider training him. Tyler agreed to these terms and I got off to go to bed and maybe train.
As I was getting ready to go to bed I discovered I was nervous, if not down right scared. I didn’t know why I felt that, but I knew one thing. I would have to figure it out and deal with it before I set foot in the Jedi Hall. I went through my normal fears, but none of them matched this. I went over the events that had happen that day and realized I became nervous when Tyler got on and the feeling never went away.
The thought of Tyler brought back a huge amount of pain. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take him back. I wasn’t sure if it was fair to me, him or future students. He had been warned many times. I wasn’t sure if I could train anymore. I didn’t have the same spark that I had when I started this. I noted that I’m very black and white. I either want the perfect student or none at all. I was forced to remember my ex boyfriend, Nik. He had broken up with me after a year and three months. He wanted us to take a step down and become friends. I was so hurt and so shocked that I refused. I said it was all or nothing. He wouldn’t be my lover so he chose nothing. Even so he would not leave me alone. During the summer he had emailed me, asking if we could get back together. Even before I had made a decision he sent another email saying he found another girl and the offer was gone. Even now he sticks around my morning group at school. No one really likes him, but no one has the heart to tell him to go away. I’ve been known to leave the group early just because I can’t stand him and am close to screaming my head off at him.
I cried for a while, filled with pain and tried to calm down to ap. I felt that someone wanted me. I could feel that they wanted me to follow them. I had to bully myself to obey, but I let go and allowed my ap body to float away. I couldn’t see at first and used rv to sense the place I was in. The room was small and I was sitting in a corner. When I could see, I saw that I was in that elevator again. I wondered if I was going to the training floor again, but I somehow knew no. I looked over and once again was startled. Once again I saw Yoda. You would think I could get over this, but I can’t. I suppose it’s a shock just to see him and another to know he’s real in a sense.
The door opened, he went first and I followed. The room was more like a hall, dark and wide. We went through that to another room. It was a healing room. Calmista was there. I knew this had to do with Tyler. Nothing was ever said about him, but I knew. I was asked to lie and undress. I was highly aware of being naked in front of a guy. I complained and begged Calmista not to make me do this, but in the end, I stopped fighting and even tried to relax as she rubbed my body. I think I fell asleep in the middle of it and slept well.

[JediKaren]

Crying
I sat in bed thinking. I was faced with the same question I must answer each night: Who to go to? That’s the problem with not just having one master, one guide. If I got to one person, the others are ignored and I feel guilty. The only nice part is at least Calmista understands that I can take so much of her and isn’t offended. With Hatais I avoid him because I get sick of his sterness. With Yoda, well I’m still trying to figure my feelings about him.

I went to Hatais because I was being afraid and I couldn't figure out why and
then he told me off for avoiding him. I told him I always fight with him and he reminds me too much of my father. I started crying. Well then he came to me, to comfort me and I couldn't stand being so weak, so babyish. I told him I didn't want him to do this. So then he made me go to the Hall and to Yoda, and I told him a million times I didn't want to go

So half way through the walk I tried to bolt and he grabbed the back of my shirt/robe thingy and held me back. I got the robe thing off and he told me to stop and I did. He said that he could and would take me there by force if he had to and he could easily sum up serveral Jedi. He said that if I thought this was embarressing it would be a lot worse to show up with several Jedi dragging me along.

We got to the door and he made me go in first, which I hated to do. I went in and then noticed how much I must be radiating fear and bad stuff. At that point I didn't much care. I was told to sit and I did. I forced myself to get some nerve and look him in the eyes. I don't remember what was said, but I remember the cat coming in my room and heading for the open window.

Then the cat jumped on my bed, startling me enough to open my eyes. I picked up my cat, hugging and kissing him. The cat settled down my my leg and I made myself go back, knowing that the cat was sent to me for comfort and vaguely understanding that it was a gesture of understanding and caring.

Well when I got back Yoda asked Hatais to leave, I had hoped for this. Then it was just me and him. I was calmer by then, though not calm at all. I don't really remember what was said. Possibly me saying that I didn't want the Jedi see me as something other than perfect and being reminded that if I did, they couldn’t help me. I think I fell asleep while aping because I can't remember the ending.

[JediKaren]

Another Trip
I went to the Jedi hall and went to the elevator. I stared at the numbers and had this idea of pushing level 4 button. I remembered that the forth floor was where Calmista was and where I was getting healed. I wondered why I was suppose to go there, but pushed it anyway. When I got there I walked through the hall to the room and went in. There was a woman standing in the room. She asked me what brought me here. Gee am I sick of that question. The true, though rude answer is the Force. But instead I have to explain how I felt that I was suppose to go here and then went here.

She asked if there was anything wrong with me that would have brought me here. I said that I suspected that I was getting sick. I had been sneezing and coughing a bit that had nothing to do to with allergies. She did the whole doctor routine. I wasn’t very fond of it and tensed up. She noticed it and commented it. I told her that I didn’t really like doctors, never had. I did notice I was a lot calmer and more open than I usually am.

[JediKaren]

A Night of Learning
I drove to Dallas Airport with my mom for the first time. I took a wrong turn, got lost, went to the pay exit and begged for help. It found the airport, parked and went in. It took 15 minutes to find my dad’s baggage claim. After nervously waiting I spotted my father’s bag and then spotted him. We went back to the car and got out. It was now dark and I’m still pretty new at night driving.
It was 9:15 when I went to bed. My head was hurting again. I had already taken a nap that day to rest my mind. I even went to a Jedi healer on my own because the pain was that bad. I was now tired, but excited at the same time. I tested my ability to ap and found out that I could ap without straining and hurting my mind.
I went in the Hall stopping to take in the peace, hoping it would help the pain. I went to the elevator and to the third floor. I stepped out and looked around. Someone called out loudly “Yo Karen”. I looked for this person, wondering who talks like that. A man some distance away, was waving his arms. I walked over. I never got to see his face very well. I do know that he sounded and felt hyper. His emotions were so strong enough that I felt overloaded and the pain increased. I asked him to stop shouting his emotions. He said that I needed to ground. I really did not like hearing this. I asked who he was.
He asked that he was my trainer. I wonder if that was the some as a master. He said no, but I still didn’t get it. He asked me if Yoda had really brought me here. I said yes. The man seemed very impressed. The pain in my head was getting bad. He asked if I was alright. I said yes, it was just my head hurting and I was tired. He suggested that I he take me to a classroom. I followed him into a room full of desks with a glass wall facing the complex. I was told to take a site near the front. He asked me what I wanted to learn. I had no idea and didn’t want options. He asked me several more times if I was ok. I said yes, though I was getting highly annoyed. He felt my forehead as if I was sick. I told I was fine and tried to make it clear this was the end.
The guy suggested the subject of the galaxy. The topic sounded huge and I wasn’t in the mood for a long history lesson that I couldn’t connect with. I came up with the topic of the temple and the Jedi Hall. The more I could learn about how this place, the better. He agreed and I asked question after question.
The truth is the “Jedi Temple” is a nickname an online friend gave the temple I’ve been aping to. It’s really called the Warrior’s Temple. Half of the temple is the Jedi’s temple, or what I called the Jedi Hall. The Jedi do communicate with the rest of the temple and are not as secluded as I thought. The council that I had met several times in the pass is a warrior’s council. They can take away the knighthood that they gave me, unlike the Jedi. Also I had presumed my knighting was a Jedi knighting, it wasn’t.
To be knighted by the Jedi I would have to gave someone recommend me to the Jedi Council, then they would think about it, then put me through a test and if all went well I would be knighted and stay knighted.
The time all this was explained to me, I was tired and still in pain. I knew that I wouldn’t go to bed on my own. I went to Calmista, explained my problem and was told to get into her bed and relax. I really did try, but I couldn’t calm myself down. Calmista went away for a minute and came back with a healer. The healer had me hold Calmista’s hands as he took a look at my mind. I figured out that he had me do this so I would feel and connect with Calmista. This would fool my defense system and not attack him.
He said, when he was done, that the back of my mind was inflamed and unable to heal. He told me he had to give me two shots. One would calm my mind down and the other would relax me into sleep. I was holding Calmista’s hands as he pushed a needle into the back of my head, near my neck. I could clearly feel this and fought the urge to panic. The second shot was find because I couldn’t feel it. I quickly feel into a deep sleep.

[JediKaren]

Healing Ed.
I went to the Hall and to the elevator. I sat on the bench, pushed the third floor button and knew who was sitting on the other side. After two seconds of pretending I didn’t see him I turned and faced him. He simply looked at me, making me feel uncomfortable. I broke the silence by seaying hi and he returned the greeting. The door open and he followed me. I walked over to my trainer, not sure what to do.
I was feeling horribly shy and didn’t know what to say. I wished that he would just go away and not follow me everywhere. Of course that wasn’t going to happen. In fact he said “Train her well” and left. The trainer and I looked at each other confused. The trained asked me what that was about. I said I didn’t know anymore than he did.

The trainer had me follow him. He took me to a healer’s room. He said that he had talked to Calmista and reviewed my training. He noticed the large amount of healing I had received, but was taught none. So he would lecture me about healing. This is what I was taught.
The Force flows through everyone, as I know. We all heal ourselves naturally. We heal ourselves in our sleep. Dreaming is a way to distract the mind, like using television to distract a kid. If we don’t dream, we aren’t healing or not doing any serious healing.
There are three states that a Jedi, nor any energy user can be in self healing. The first start and the most natural state is called sleep. It is a state where the body and mind come to a rest, a halt. The Force flows, slowly and in small amounts, in it’s down way and not being directed.
The second state for healing is called meditation. Meditation is when the body goes to sleep, but the mind remains half active and alert. The Force flows greater and can be controlled. The amount of control depends on the user’s skill level.
The last state is the least natural and is known as trancing. Trancing is when the body goes to sleep, but the mind is fully alert. The Force is fully controlled. What makes this start different from all others is the mind is totally focused on it’s self. It’s like sleep in that the person isn’t aware of anything around them.
I was getting tired and the talk had ended. My head was still sore. I had gone to Calmista earlier that day to help with the pain. She refused to give me anything to put me to sleep and said I would have to sleep naturally. She was worried that I would get dependant on the drugs. I was hoping I could talk this guy into helping me. He said that he would give me something for the pain, but with a weak dose of sleep stuff.
I opened my eyes, breaking the ap. Sleep would not come to me. For over half an hour I tossed and turned. I reviewed in my head what had happened during the trip. I was stuck on what Yoda had said. Why on earth did he always had to be around me? He had to know I didn’t like it.
I had to find out. I would not sleep without making an attempt. I was too shy to go up to him and ask. I also felt that I would be a pest if I did that. I wondered if I could just email him. The more I thought about, the better it sounded. So I aped to my room and looked him up, by looking up Jedi council members. When I clicked on his name I saw what looked liked a normal bio. There was a picture if him and a history of him. Then there was a list of names called Private Students. There must have been eight or more names. My full name was on there. I looked up another member and didn’t see “private students”, just padawans, that I got the feeling weren’t alive.
I went back and started my message. I asked my question and told him that I figured out that I was given this trainer because he had the same high energy I had. Once I was done, I went to bed.

[JediKaren]

A Day of Worry
The idea that I had sent off an email half asleep and didn’t proof read what I wrote was unnerving. I was scared to go and look to see if he wrote back. I confessed my fears to Paul, who scared me more by suggesting the idea of getting a response back in my real email box.
Night came and I had to ap. I planned on going to my room, checking the dreaded mail and then off to Calmista’s. I went to my room and turned on the ‘puter. In the bottom right hand corner of the screen was a message saying I had a message. With my heart racing I looked at the message. Sure enough it was from him. He didn’t say a lot. Just that I was the one who wanted him and when he did get a closer look he saw that I had done a lot and dissevered his attention.
I quickly aped to Calmista’s door slightly creast fallen. Calmsita let me in and had me explain my mood to her. She didn’t have anything to say. I sat on her bed and fell asleep.

[JediKaren]

The Power of Death
For a long time I stared into air in my bed. Fifteen minutes went by before I aped. I went to the Hall. I sensed that I was being called to a room next to the forest room. I opened the door and saw the outline of a man. I went into the room which was pitch black. For a moment I thought he would attack me and put my hand on my lightsaber. The guy said that he wouldn’t attack me and told me to follow him. He put a hand on my shoulder to lean me. We took a few steps and I was told to sit on the ground.
Another person was in front of me. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear his voice. I asked who this was. He said that he was my trainer. I asked what his name was. I was sick of calling him “my trainer”. He never said, but it popped up in my mind. It was Roquel. I asked what I was going to learn. He then started his talk.
The act, the moment of dying is energy, the release of energy and therefore can be controlled. When a Jedi dies and uses this energy they become “one with the Force” and their body disappears. He went into the topic of my death, saying that it would not happen soon, but that was more than I wanted to hear. I cut him off, saying I didn’t need to hear anymore. I had one summer ruined by knowing about death and I didn’t need another one ruined. Roquel said that he wasn’t suggesting that I was going to die anytime soon, but I still didn’t want to hear it. I walked out of the room, ignoring his calls for me to come back.
I went to Calmista. She listened to me, though did not side with me. She said that I would have to learn about it. There was nothing more to say and I went to bed.

[JediKaren]

A Cold
My father on Thursday was complaining of a headache that grew into an upset stomach and to a full blown cold. Twenty four hours later I had to same symptoms in the same order. My headache was intense. I knew there would be no training, just healing. When I went to bed Calmista told me before I aped that I would be in a healer’s room in a chair. I saw the chair in my mind and knew I was going to the third floor. I told Calmista that this wasn’t that serious. I was just sick. There was nothing wrong with the back of my mind.
I aped as told and saw her sitting not far away. On the other side of the room was Roquel sitting, watching me. I told Calmista that I didn’t need to me here. She didn’t care and told me so. The healer came in the room. She out her hands on the back of my head and Calmista asked me to focus on her and not the healer. When the healer was done, she said there was nothing wrong. I was just sick.
Calmista and the healer debated on if I should be put to sleep. Calmista finally asked Roquel what he think should happen. He suggested that I should try to sleep on my own for half an hour and if I couldn’t then they would. All three of them told me that I really did have to try. Faking this would not help. I stopped aping and tried to go to sleep. After sometime I fell asleep.