JK's Second Jedi AP Trips

[JediKaren]

This is my second log, done about a year ago...so it's old, but you all might find some interesting stuff. If you don't liek what you're reading, don't comment, just don't read it.

[JediKaren]

The Seers
It was right before bed and I was online with Joe. Ever since I had apred with Joe and found it worked I was dying to do it again. With blushing nerves I asked Joe if he would be willing to come with me. He agreed.
Wee met the main room. I was strangely having problems seeing an of course Joe couldn’t see at all. I suggested that we could go to his group of people. He said ok, but warned me I wouldn’t be able to see. I asked why, but he didn’t know.
He lead me to this side door and went down this spiral stair case that was very narrow. About half way down it got extremely dark and I could see my hand in front of my face. I got very worried about this and bumped into Joe. When we were through with the stairs Joe took my hand and walked through this hall. His hand felt very real. I could barely sense anything around me. I tried using tri locating to see and still got poor results.
We went to the end of the passage to door on the left and went in. Joe sat down on something that make me thing of a box, but I really don’t have a clue. I stood in the dark. A man cam up and said hello to Joe. The man seemed very friendly, cheerful, and easy going. Joe introduced the man to me. Joe had made the mistake of calling me “Karen” and I corrected it by saying my name was “JediKaren”. The guy was impressed by my status and asked me why was a Jedi down here. I told him I was with Joe and I wanted to see what it was like being around Seers.

[JediKaren]

Taking A Break
I have taken a three week break to try to escape the pressure that I felt was on me. I had completely failed math and did not have any patience with the temple. I had spend a weekend spent up in the mountains with my uncles and aunts. That weekend was completely unJedi related and I realized that I needed a break from all the training and the aping. So I told Calmista about it and she understood and was fine about it. I was hoping this was not going to be a major mistake on my part and people would look down upon me.
I was not completely free from the Jedi. I still had two apprentices to train. Their training is slow, but good. One is very mature and impresses me with his skills. The other one is the challenge student because he has a very hard time gathering and using energy. He is impatience to ap and that is the last thing my students will learn. I can only tell him to wait and learn to wait as a Jedi must. He does not like hearing this, but I keep rubbing it in. My students are learning not only how to be a Jedi, but also learning about the world of psionics and how that compares to the world around them and Jedi.
My break also consisted of doing a lot of art. I drew mainly horses and other animals. The big thing was when a friend’s mom gave me real water colors that came in tubes. I immediately started playing with them and experimenting with the colors. I painted her a mountain scene with the mountains being reflected in the lake. I was very happy with how that turned out.
I know I have to come back soon to training. I have to because at some point I’m going to need help with my students. I also am starting to miss the temple and Calmista. The training is hard and I don’t always like it, but the temple is the most peaceful place I know and I need that peace. I need the comfort I get just hanging out there. I need those people and need to know what they know. I need to become a Jedi for my sake and others.

[JediKaren]

Coming Back
It seemed to be a day of reliving the past. About a year and a half ago I was kicked out of PsiPog’s chat room for teaching. I could not get back in and nor could I explain my side of the story. For some months I fumed over this and wondered from site to site, looking for a place that I belonged. In the spring I found wingmaker’s message board and became a fairly big success there. I’m not sure why, but no matter where I go I rise near the top of the approved and admired psionics.
For some time I have been thinking about the old chatroom and how I wish I could come back. On a surge of wildness I changed my name and joined the chatroom again. To my surprise I was let in and no one seemed to know who I was. I felt that I had been scanned by someone, but I did not know who. The next day I got on again. Again to my surprise a mod mentioned my real name. I sat there on the chair frozen in fear, wondering if I was going to get kicked off. I pretended not to notice this and went on talking. The third day the same mod mentioned my name and this time I pmed him. We talked and I found out that the site had made a new chatroom while I was banned and unbanned everyone from the old list. I wasn’t in any trouble. I am not dumb and made a point to thank him and swear I would never again teach on this site. It was that night that I decided I needed to go back to the temple and resume my training.
I was very nervous about coming back. I didn’t know what I would do there or who I would talk to. I finally made myself sit down and just ap there. The door to the main room opened like normal and I went in. I stood on the right side looking around. The truth is I wasn’t looking for I couldn’t see. It was like I forgotten how to see in the special way that you have to. To see you sort of have to look in a way that’s like seeing things out of the corner of your eyes. It takes some practice to see normally like you would in real life.
I was wondering why I never go to the left hand side of the room and walked around. I looked around for someone to talk to, or train me. There seemed no one, but this man that was sitting on the ground staring at the pillars that are in the middle of the room. I sensed that he was something of interest. I walked over to him and stood there, waiting for him to notice me. He did and asked me to sit. I sat down and we started talking. It seems that the reason why he is there is not because he teaches, can heal or is part of some group, but because he wants to. He seemed to be a man in need of peace and just sitting there was helping him. He has seen me walk through this room many a time and noted that I haven’t been here for some time. He asked me what had happened. I told him that I felt this place was too much for me. I realized I was saying the most peaceful place a person was going to find was too much for me. I knew that sounded wrong, but it was the truth. We talked a bit more and I excused myself, saying that the talking was nice, but I was here to train, not talk.
I went to the doors opposite of the entrance and stood in the hallway. I looked at both ends and did not where to go. I closed my eyes, gathered energy and searched the two ends of the hallway again. I felt the left side was calling me so I took the left side. I stopped after a few steps. The left side of the hall is usually for healing and the right side was for training, but at the same time I felt there was a door, near me, on the left that I had to go to.
I opened the door and went in. The room was set up like an office of a manager. The room was small and narrow. It contained a desk with a man sitting behind the desk. There were chairs opposite of the desk and at the end of room, opposite of the door was a filing cabinet. The man in the chair asked me to take a sit. I did as told. The man was around the age of 50, thin and had grey/white balding hair. He seemed to be the type that was strict and tough and scared me a bit. He asked me why I had left. I told him that I was under too much stress and needed to find peace. He asked me if I had found peace. I told him yes. He paused for a moment and said that I was allowed to train again. I stared at him in shock as I realized that I had to be “allowed” to train. I only remembered in time that my training is not a right that I have, it’s only a well earned privilege they have given me. I was too late to hide my facial reaction and he made me say what I was thinking.
I got the feeling that he didn’t approve of me and my decision to leave my path for a short while. He said that it wasn’t fair to the teachers. I needed stick to this training, even if I am going through hard times in the real world. The people at the temple can help me through the rough times and help me achieve the peace that I need, even if it’s not the in the way that I wanted it. He asked that I come to the temple as much as possible, meaning every night. He also wanted me to come back to his office tomorrow night. I asked him where Calmista was and if she knew about this. He said that Calmista was busy. He said many people doubted me when I did not come back and Calmista defended my decision. I suddenly missed Calmista very much and felt very thankful of her. My eyes watered up and I was almost crying in front of him. I struggled with my feeling and need for control. I finally got it. I sensed the conversation was coming to an end and I still hadn’t trained. I also didn’t want to go to bed because I was scared of sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night to find my mom drunk in my room. I asked him to let me be trained. He was standing at the door, but walked over to a chair that was parallel to mine.
He asked me to close my eyes and focus on his voice. He repeatily stressed the importance of peace and a focused mind. This is something every Jedi should have and I need to work on. I soon become peaceful and focused on being calm. I had to admit it was nice. He said that next time I found myself upset I needed to focus and be calm. The short lesson ended and I stopped aping.

[JediKaren]

Healing
I aped back to the room of the man. According to Paul I had meet my guidance councilor. I must say he’s nothing at all like the ones at school. The ones at school are completely worthless, lazy jerks who get paid way too much. They don’t do anything and you can’t go to them for help of any sort.
I was nervous about coming to him. I stopped at his door and forced myself to relax some. I knocked on the door and was told to come in. My nervousness came back while I sat on the chair. He told me to calm down and I really did try, but I couldn’t. Suddenly, without warning I felt a strong pressure in the front of my head. It was so strong that it was somewhat painful. I mentally froze and desperately attacked it, trying to get it to go away. I could not and kept fighting with it. I told the councilor what was going on and he said to relax. At first I refused to, but he told me again. I knew I needed to put more faith in the teachers so I got myself to let go of some of my fear. The pressure went down a bit. My defense system attacked again, which was a mistake because the pressure when back up. I made myself relax again and more this time. The pressure responded, but going away more than the last time. I kept calming myself and the pressure went away.
When I was nearly calm the councilor said that he did this. The calmer I became, the more he would leave me alone. I was just about calm when there was a sharp, long pain in the back of my head. I complained of this and wanted to accuse him of hurting me. I refrained from this, knowing it was not true and disrespectful. He came around his desk and kneed down to me. He asked to let me look at my head. Once again, in pain, I said no, but he got me to let him touch the back of my head, near the neck. The earlier pressure had totally left, but now my mental system was defending the pain like a valued jewel. He told me he needed to get pass this. I tried to force my defense system to open up, but I couldn’t hold it long enough for him to get in. I wrestled with it and even tried created a fake wound in my forehead to get the system to leave. My defense system was so smart that it not totally left to go after the pain in the forehead.
I gave up and told him I couldn’t do it. The pain in the back of my head was now worse due to all the fighting going on. The man sighed and said this was out of my control and I would go to go to the third level to get this healed. I half panicked and tried to talk him out of it. Going to the third level meant this was very serious. As far was I was concerned, going to that level meant going to the temple’s hospital. He said this was not a punishment and I was not to be blamed. I went out of his room and up the stairs nearly crying I felt so bad. I felt as if I had failed sometime that I really didn’t want to fail. I stopped at the second floor where Calmista was. In a moment of rash thinking I opened the door, ran down the halls to Calmista’s room, knocked on her door and ran into her arms. I sobbed for sometime. She waited me out and got me to explain in chopped up sentences what was going on. She said that I would have to go, but she would come with me.
A much calmer me and Calmista climbed up the flight of stairs to the third floor. We went to the third side hallway there and to a door on the right. The room was dim and looked like a waiting room. A woman gestured us to follow her. She led us to a room on the right and I went in. I realized Calmista had not followed me. Calmista said telepathly that she would wait in the waiting room. There was a chair in the middle of very small room that looked like a dentist chair. I sat down in it thinking how much I didn’t want to be there. My head was still hurting and I was completely miserable.
A different lady suddenly appeared in the room. She knew what was wrong with me. She had the chair flatten out and asked me to lie on my stomach. She then pulled my hair over my head and parted in where the pain was. For some minutes I felt nothing. I was trying not to think about what she was doing because I didn’t want to set off my system again. She said, after a while that she was done. I asked her what she had done. She said that she had got the pain to start healing itself and created a shield around the pain so my own defense system couldn’t attack it. I tested this by making myself try to touch the spot where it hurt. True enough I went right pass the spot and could not get near it. She said that I could still train, but if I got a headache I should stop and come back.
I wanted to leave the room and go back to Calmista, but the healer wanted me to stay and be still for a few minutes. I impatiently waited for the time to end and walked back to Calmista. Calmista said that if I went into bed and aped to this spot she would take me to another hall, being the first one and get someone to put me asleep. I consider this reward for good behavior and a rare treat, for they don’t like to put me asleep. I did as told and was walked to a room with a bed. I don’t remember what happened, but I know I woke up the next morning free of pain, calm, happy and had not mental problem of any kind.

[JediKaren]

Focus Training
I was going to ap to the main room, but I found that I couldn’t. I decided that I may have been wanted else where and allowed myself to be brought to that place. I found myself in a room, on my knees. Someone told me to keep my eyes closed for a moment. I was then told to open them. My councilor was standing in front of me. I could not help, but express my surprise. I thought of him as a councilor, as someone that could talk to me and offer advice. I did not think he was able to teach me. He said that my ideas about what a councilor could do were wrong. He would teach me until someone else felt the need to take over.
He asked me to stand up and I did. Once again he started lecturing me about the importance of a focused mind. Focus leads to control and control leads to learning abilities. Without focus there is no control. He told me to close my eyes, do not move and to focus. I asked what I was supposed to focus on. He said nothing. This reminded me of meditation and I asked if I was to meditate. He said that I was to focus and if meditation brought that, good. I closed eyes and tried to do as told. I found myself in real life very itchy and my mind would not settle. He called out my name is sternness. I opened my eyes by accident and then closed then again. I tried to think of something, but I kept wondering off. I eventually settled on an image of a pink shirt I had in my closet. I forced myself to not wonder off and kept my mind glued to the shirt. This worked and my mind was clear and calm. I noticed that to be calm would lead to being focused too and I told him that when he said I could stop focusing. We talked about the darkside and controlling emotions. The lesson ended and I returned to my room. I looked at the clock and realized this had only taken 15 minutes, even though it felt somewhat longer.

[JediKaren]

Working through Emotions
In current events we were watching a movie called Enough. The movie was about a wife getting abused and stalked by her husband. The movie was somewhat scary, but very emotional touching to me. This was the second day of watching the movie and the treatment of this poor lady was only getting worse. The movie was forcing me to remember what my dad had done to me in the past. I went on the bus, trying very hard to have some control. I stared at the parking lot pavement and tried to focus my thoughts on calm. My friend sat down next to me, noticing I was depressed and tried to make the movie seem unimportant. I couldn’t shrug the feeling off. When I got home I went to my room and starting crying for the second day in a row. I went to my bed, for I was tired. Calmista told me to take a nap and I would feel better. I wanted to get online, but I really wanted to sleep. I decided to obey my guide and sleep. When I woke up I found that I really did feel better.
The evening went by and Tyler, one of my students, came on. The msn messager games were finally working so I had him play a few rounds of minesweeper and use rv to sense where the bombs were. He did very well for a newbie. I was using mostly logic and when I did use my skills I wasn’t doing very well. Towards the end I got a headache. I couldn’t think of why I had one. I wasn’t straining myself in anyway. I decided to wait it out and continue to train Tyler, knowing that I could be doing damage to myself.
Before I went to bed I did my normal getting ready which includes drinking a bit of water. For most of the day this was all the drink I had because I skipped my milk that I have at dinner. I sat down on the floor and knew that I would have to go back to the third floor like I was told to should I get a headache. I didn’t know if I could just ap to the door and it would be unlocked. I thought it might be better if I go to Calmista first and get her to come with me.
I aped to Calmista’s door. She answered the door, opened it and invited me to come in. I tried to tell her that I couldn’t and that I needed to go to the third floor, but I couldn’t get the words to come out right. With a hand she guided me into the room and there I explained what was going on. She asked me what I had been doing before and during the headache. She asked me if I had any other problems before hand. I told her no. She agreed to come with me. I asked if I would be allowed to train and she responded with if the healer said yes I could.
We walked up the steps to the third floor and went to the third hallway. She took me to the exact room I had been before. There I was taken to the same room with the chair. The pain in my head had gone down somewhat, but not enough. The healer came in her sudden way. She asked me the same questions that Calmista had and then put her fingers on the sides of my head. She asked me if I had anything to drink. I told her not really. She asked if I thought this headache might have something to do not getting enough water. I realized she was suggesting that I was dehydrated. I said yes. She said that I needed to drink water and the pain will go away. The reason why the headache came when it did was the training had strained my mind past the limit. I asked if I was allowed to train still. She said that once I drank something I was not to use my abilities. I asked again if I could train and she said that if the training did not involve the use my abilities, yes.
She walked me out of the room and to the waiting room where Calmista was waiting. Standing at the door she told Calmista what was wrong. Calmista lead me out the door and stopped in the hallway. She asked me if I knew what I needed to do and I said yes. I stopped aping, blushing madly, and drank all the water in a bottle I have by my bed. I refilled the bottle and drank half of it. The pain was going away at a fast rate.
I came back and at first I couldn’t see anything. Calmista said that we were at the door of the third floor, next to the stairs. She took my hand and led me down the stairs. I got suspicious of the person who was leading me. I asked if this was really Calmista. She said yes. I realized that I was wrong to doubt her and said that I was sorry. Sometimes all the voices can sound the same. She said that it was ok. We came down the stairs and to the first level. We went to my right which would be left if I came through the main room. My councilor was there. At this time I could see most everything, but just not Calmista. He took me by the hand. I felt offended by this, like he was treating me like a child. He said he wasn’t and that he didn’t think of me like one. I started off saying “Funny you sure-“ and then stopped. He made me finish and I said “sure act like you do”. He said that was pretty strong. I said that for him to doubt me was pretty strong. He sighed, stopped and explained to me that he didn’t really personally doubt me. My path was a very hard one for anyone to take on. He and others wondered if anyone was strong enough to make it through. There was nothing to say so he led me to a room on the right, near the council room at the end of the hallway.
My first impression of the room was wood. He went in and turned on a light. I saw that the room had wooden floors, two small sitting couches and a round table between the couches. He asked me to sit on one of them and he sat opposite of me. He asked what was up. I looked at him, surprised at the use of slang. No one at this temple had ever said that. In fact I am the only one to use any type of slang. They always say “did not” instead of “didn’t”. I thought about what he meant behind those words. I decided to tell him nothing. He said if I was sure. I said that I was, but I couldn’t hide my feelings. He said that maybe I didn’t want to talk about it. I said yes because I can’t lie. He asked why. I said that I was going to loose control over myself. He said that he didn’t think so. I disagreed with him. He said that I would never know, but he thought I could handle it. I said that I couldn’t control myself. He said that I should work on focusing. I groaned, but did as told.
I thought about the pink shirt and slowly got my mind to settle down. I tried to think about my father and the pink shirt together, but I didn’t want to think that what my father has done to me is ok and I got emotional. I refocused on peace and opened my eyes when I thought I had it. My councilor asked me how I felt about my father. I told that I felt horrible about what my father has done to me. I went on, the exact details at vague. I remember we talked about how some day I will have to talk to my father about what happened over the summer. I told him I couldn’t talk to my dad about it. I have tried in the past to bring it up and my father puts it away. The guy said that I was bringing the subject in anger with the goal of anger. He said that if I talked about the topic in peace and was looking for peace I would have better luck. I still didn’t ever want to bring up the topic. The councilor said that I will have to talk about it at some point in my life and sooner the better.
He let the topic end there. There was a moment of silence. I was asked if I was upset. I said no. He pointed out that I had managed talking about this without loosing control like I feared. He was gently pointing out that he was right and I had succeeded in learning to control myself.

[JediKaren]

Sparring
I was online, on PsiPog’s chatroom when this person came on. Two days ago they tried to get my attention, but I was not on the computer and when I looked I had to go eat dinner. Now this person was on and I asked them what was going on. They claimed that they knew me back when I was on the chatroom, a year and a half ago. I racked my brain, but I couldn’t remember them. I probably meet them right before I got banned and therefore wouldn’t remember them. I was willing to get to know this person so I pmed them. We talked for a little bit and then traded email addresses. I switched over to msn and talk to them from there. The person, I guessed was a guy, asked me if I wanted to spar with them. I have never sparred with anyone and most sites don’t encourage it. I personally wouldn’t allow sparring talk to take place on my site because it teaches people to attack others for fun, which is not the image I want for my site. With all that being said I knew to be a Jedi I would have to learn how to protect my mind. I didn’t know if the people at the temple would like this, but I guessed that they would.
I asked the guy how to play. He said that you just attack the other person’s shield. It sounded easy enough. I took a minute to build up a shield. I told him I was ready and waited. Nothing happened. I asked him if it was my turn. I didn’t understand that when you spar there is no “turns”, it’s just all out. He explained this to me and we tried this again. He asked if I wanted to attack first and I said no. I had two reasons for this. One was a Jedi never ever attacks and the second one was I didn’t think I could win, but I didn’t tell him that. I felt him attack me. I felt him break my shield. I asked him if he attacked. He said yes and that he broke my shield. I looked down and blushed. He said that he had to go for a minute to make tea and I shouldn’t stop. I took his advice and tried to gather energy to form an attack. Only I couldn’t feel anything. I tried again and got nothing back. I went through the steps of gathering energy and yet I couldn’t do anything. I panicked and tried to tell him that I couldn’t do this. He still was gone. I couldn’t reach him through a link because I couldn’t use energy. I told Paul that I was sparring and now I was blocked. He told me to put my hand near the screen of the computer. I asked why and he said to just do what he said. I did. I could feel him do something to my mind. If felt like he freed something. I gathered a bit of energy, but not much. I told him this. He said the block was removed.
At this point the guy came back online. I told him I couldn’t gather energy. He said that he was psi vampiring me. A psi vampire is a person who forms a link to someone and drains them of energy. I told Paul this and he reminded me to break the link. The sparring guy said that he would break the link. I now felt extremely tired and physically drained. I got out of the chair to paint a bit and found myself dizzy. I sat back down and fought the feeling of wanting to pass out. The guy was now offering to heal me. I was angry with him and myself. I shouldn’t of fought with him and he shouldn’t of done that to me. That was careless of him. I refused his offered. He asked why. I told him that I was mad at him. He said that he was sorry. He admitted he was wrong. The dizzy/tired feeling wasn’t getting better and now I had a headache. I finally accepted his apologize and let him help me, if he could. The bad feeling had gone down some. I decided the best thing to do, after Paul strongly suggested it, was to go to bed. I couldn’t ap and I hoped the people at the temple would understand.
I got off and slowly walked to my room, which seemed to take forever. I got into bed and curled up, wishing the pain would go away. Calmista told me to lie on my back and relax. She healed most of the pain. I was so tired I couldn’t sleep for a long time. It was around midnight that I fell into a sleep full of nightmares.

[JediKaren]

Hatais
Last night was the first day of the Winter Olympics and the opening ceremony. The Olympics always gets me excited and I had stayed up very late. It was nearly one in the morning when I went to bed, but I still had to train. I closed my eyes, feeling my ap body and waited for a sign to know where to go. I heard someone say to keep my eyes closed and I knew immediately it was my councilor who spoke those words. I was sitting on the floor. I could feel we were in an empty room. He told me that I was in a world of peace. I imagined a planet and then named it peace. He said that I was surrounded by peace. I envisioned air around me and felt the peace. He said that I was in control of this world. I was peace. I was the definition of peace. I became very peaceful.
I was told to open my eyes and stand up. I did so and found myself in a training room with padded floors and wall lengthen mirror. I asked him why him. He said because he was trying something. I had been spoiled by the temple for the last six months. The people that had first trained me were so worried about getting my trust and love they wouldn’t be strict. He felt that some strictness would get me to trust them. I need discipline and he was going to do it. I made a some what rude remark of something like “yeah right”. He corrected me with “yes master”. I glared at him and said he was not my master, only Calmista was. He said that Calmista was my guide and he was my master. I asked if Calmista knew about this. He said yes. She had given in and agreed to his plan. He dared me to call my guide over and ask. Before I had a chance to open my mouth he had called Calmista over. I turned to Calmista with a pleading look. I told what I was told. She said that she had indeed, had agreed to this.
I was shocked, cornered and hurt. I asked if she would still be here and if I could still go to her. She said that she would always be here and yes I could go to her room for anything. I told her that a master is suppose to ask the student if they want to be trained. This guy had never asked me. Calmista said that he had. He had asked me to come every night and train. I never refused him. It was no my words, but my actions that answered his offer. I stared at her in disbelief. She said that people on Earth had tried with words and yet that meant nothing to me. She said this would be good for me and I would find that he really did care for me and was fond of me. I gave him a look of doubt. Calmista asked the councilor if there was anything else needed and he said no. She told me that if I didn’t want this all I had to do was say it. I told her I couldn’t. She said that then I was meant to be with him. She then left me with the man.
I looked at him, turned my back and took a few steps away from him. I couldn’t refuse him. It would be rude and it would do no good. Even if I got another teacher, it would only get worse. I’ve seen kids at school transfer out of a class because they hate the teacher and the next teacher is usually worse or the teacher doesn’t like the kid because the kid gave up on the first teacher. I knew this would happen if I tried to get another teacher.
Another thought came to me, one that I had forgotten. Back when I first saw my guide was a woman I felt confused. I never told anyone about it, because I didn’t understand it. I always had imagined myself being trained by a guy. The guy would be strict with his training, but would understand me. I would first not like him, but would see his ways and yet trained. I half made myself forget this daydream and went along with the training that I was given. Wasn’t this the guy that I had made stories out of? This was the guy that I needed, so why was I pushing him away. A sense of relief washed through me. I was on the right path after all. All I had to do was accept him and his ways and get trained.
I walked back to him. There was no need to tell him what I was thinking. He asked if I would train under him. I said yes. He corrected me again with the “master”. I glared at him. I wasn’t ready to call him that yet. He made me say, and not just say it, but many times until he made it clear. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t have a choice. I asked for a name. He said something, but I didn’t understand it. He said it again and yet I couldn’t understand it. He handed me a piece of paper with writing on it. I tried reading it, but I couldn’t. I turned away in frustration. He told me to focus on it. I slowly saw Hatais (haTAes). I tried saying it. It sounded weird unlike Calmista which I recognized as calm.
I was told once again to sit. We went back to the world of peace and me being in control of it. I remembered how I figured out that you first learn peace and then you can learn to focus. I didn’t understand why. I had proven that I could focus when I wanted to. He said that I haven’t mastered how to focus. I went back to training. I imagined myself as peace. There seemed to be a bit of fear, deep within me. I told him this. He said this was the core of the planet. I tried to release the fear by imaging hot lava come out a volcano. He said not to. He also said not to plug up the hole either. He asked me how I would get rid of it. I thought for a moment and said that you would have to shrink the whole thing at once until it no longer existed. He said yes, but not tonight. He had me just focus on making the fear smaller. It was getting late and I was growing tired. My attention was slipping. I asked if I could stop and go to bed. He said no. I made the decision to stay up late so now I have to pay for it. He told me to focus on the room I was in. I did for a while, but I couldn’t ap very strongly. I was getting more and more sleepy. He called it off and let me go. I thanked him like I have been since I came back and went to sleep.

[JediKaren]

Day One
Back seven months ago I met my guide and was guided through the strange temple. I was highly impressed. I felt like I had discovered a heaven where you didn’t have to die to go to. It was quiet, peaceful and full of wonder, which was the exact opposite of my home. I felt strongly drawn to the temple and all I wanted to do was stay there forever. It was Calmista who came and talked to me. She explained that I had a life still to live on Earth and I could not spent my every, waking, free moment with her. We settled that I would go to this heavenly place one time in the evening for as long as I could stay up which was around twenty minutes because I had work early in the morning. Of course if something happened and I needed comfort or help I could ap to her anytime, but she hinted that I should not abuse that. When fall came and school started I found myself busy and less wanting to go to temple as much as I started out. I had settled down and was comfortable with the little time spent training.
I had thought, now that I had a true, official master that things would go on like I was use to. Each night I would ap to where every I was suppose to be and I would train for a while and then go to sleep. This was not the case with my new teacher.
The morning had gone on rather quietly and it wasn’t until around one o clock when I was going to take a nap because I was made to stay up late by my teacher. I went to my room, laid down and then heard my teacher tell me to ap. At first I didn’t want to at all and explained to him that I only ap during the evening. He didn’t seem to care and was pulling my ap body out of me. I gave in and in a minute found myself in a classroom that looked very similar to the classrooms of my school. The room was square and extremely white. There where desks and on top of one desks was my teacher sitting. I found the room strange and couldn’t help but look all around. Hatais called my attention to him and told me to sit. I picked a desk near him and sat down.
He moved to the front of the classroom and started talking. He knew that I had decided on a topic for the UL newsletter and had volunteered to give me information to write about. He talked about currents of energy and how energy effects us all and the balance of energy and so on. He then let me and I slept for two hours. When I woke up and got online for a bit and then went to my room again. This time I was told by him to put on some calming music and settle down. I put on this cd called Oxygen. I stretched out on my lime green, round, fuzzy chair with my feet put up and closed my eyes. He had me think of peace and relax completely. He had created a headache in the back of my head some minutes before I settled down and was using the pain to force me to relax. The more I relax the less the pain was. He also made me take in deep breathes and hold them for as long as he wanted. When I was completely calm he told me to dance because I was good at it.
He was right and more than I knew. The calming exercise had done wonders to my focus and my control over my body. My moves were perfect. I was on the beat, my emotions didn’t overtake me, but were there for the support I needed. I half planned what I wanted to do and half went with the flow. There was one song that I was dying to do and half the time my cd player won’t play it. Out loud I begged my cd player to work and it did. The song was great and my dancing was even better. When it had ended and I held the final pose I let out a shout of joy and happiness. I knew he was pleased with how that went and possible admires my skill.
After dinner I became out of control with hyperness due to the heavy snowing and my success. The headache came back and he told me to calm down. I told him I wasn’t scared. He agreed, but said that I needed to control myself. I was not happy with him and ignored him. The pain in my head had return and was growing worse. I refused to back down. I told him to leave me alone. I was not going to put up with him all day long. The pain was kept up and I said out loud to please leave me alone. I went out to shovel snow and when I came back the pain had gone.
I was watching the games when 11 pm came and I was told by him to go to bed. I wanted to watch more, but I was falling sleep on the couch. I went to my room and sat down on the floor. I aped and was in his office sitting in the same chair as before. He said tonight I would get rid of that deep fear. I asked him how. He had me start off focusing on being calm. My focus was strong and my mind was clear from the start. I guessed this was the result of his annoying training. I imagined the temple and how peaceful it was. I combined that thought with the pink shirt and with the peaceful planet scene. I truly became the definition of peace. I directed this massive wave of peace to the core of myself where the fear was. I surrounded the fear and then advanced upon it until it had shrunk into nothing. I still was not quite done. I felt that if I filled that place where the fear was with peace something would happen. Before I could do this, Hatais told me to stop. He said that I was done. I left wondering why I wasn’t allowed to finish. I wondered what was going to happen and wondered about what I was doing.

[JediKaren]

The Test
It seemed that I had won of our fights. Hatais no longer bothered me throughout the day. In fact he said very little. He asked me to go to bed at 11 and I was a bit slow and really turned off the lights and sat down at 11:20. I waited for myself to go somewhere, but I didn’t. I decided I would have to walk to him. I paused at his door, getting myself together. It still is a bit unnerving to walk into his office. I did not want him to make me go through the calming thing, so I did it myself.
Once I was in his room he told me to sit down. He asked me how I was. I told him I was a bit sore. It had snowed about 7 inches and my friend and I had played in the snow for a long time. While I had a lot of fun rolling around in the wet freezing snow I over did it. I am badly out of shape and exercising like that had cost me. Even in a few hours I became stiff and sore. He asked me if I had fun and I said yes. For once I became a kid again, sliding down an intertube, screaming down the hill and then would fall off and lay in the snow, trying to remember how to breathe again. My friend and I did this until my friend popped the make shift slid and then made an awesome snowwoman with snow ball fights randomly happening.
I tried to think what my teacher was saying. Sure there was some hidden point to be made or something I had done wrong. I couldn’t think of anything. Hatais told me that I don’t have to analyze everything he says. I told him that people here don’t really talk. He said he was right now. Somehow I couldn’t believe we were having a normal conversation that meant nothing with no lessons to be learned. I said I was here to be trained. He seemed to give up the idea of just talking and said that he had something for me to do. I was to pick any room and go in it. I wondered if all the rooms were the same or something. He wouldn’t say anything so I left his office and stood in the hall.
I felt a strong urge/ pull to go to the door at the end. I knew this was the council’s normal meeting room, but I didn’t know if the council would be there and if I should go in. I argued with myself and decided I would never know if I didn’t go for it. I walked in and found the room empty. I walked around and still felt nothing. I turned around towards the door and saw a man standing near a wall. I took a step back in surprise. The man asked me to follow him. I asked where he was going. He repeated himself. I remember that Hatais has been extremely strict on getting me to obey him and I knew this would get back to him if I made a scene.
The man led to me to a room that was on the left and was right next door. The room was dark and I was told to sit. The man sat down, facing me. He pulled out a deck of cards, showed them to me and then shuffled them. He told me that you can sense the card by sensing the emotion. I told the guy cards don’t have emotions. The man explained that not directly. We each have our own favorite number and we feel something when we see that number. He pulled a queen and had me think about what I felt about a queen. He pulled out more cards and had me practice. I wasn’t sure about this whole theory.
The guy then had me lay on my back and he put his hand on my stomach and told me to breath on his count. My councilor had done the same with me the day before. He calls out “breathe” and then tells me to hold it and then to let go. There’s sort of a pattern to it. He has me hold it longer for three times and then starts the cycle. We did this a few times. I was told to sit up again. He said that I was to wait here and not move.
Time went by. I didn’t move, I just thought, but soon I ran out of things to think of. I could feel the need to move grow. I tried to think of peace, but that wasn’t an option. Time slowed down and boredom came. I was getting restless. I knew I was suppose to be patient, but I couldn’t. I was dying to move. The guy came in, looked at me and then left. I couldn’t stand it. I stretched my legs. That didn’t help, it just made me want to get up. I got up, ignoring the voice that said this was wrong and I should sit down. I walked around feeling wild. The man came in and I froze, now with the voice telling me off. The man said to come out of the room. I did. He asked why did I get up. I told him I didn’t know. He said that I would have to tell my teacher that. The wildness left and I went pale. I asked him not to make me do this. He told me to go on. I went to the door of my teacher. I opened it and he was sitting there in his chair. He asked me how it went. I told him it didn’t go. He asked me why. I told him I couldn’t do it. Hatais said that I would have to do it again tomorrow. He then told me I could leave.
In movies when a character is being haunted by memories they sometimes think a person is saying something that happened in the past, when they really aren’t. There in the room of my councilor swore I heard my father scream at me to get out of the room. I also heard what the councilor really said. I looked at the aging man in slight horror and went for the door, nearly crying. My master told me to stop, but I didn’t. I went to the main room and to my body where I slightly cried on my pillow. I heard my teacher ask me to come back, but I wouldn’t. He said that he did not yell at me, but it was too late. He said that he would help me, but I didn’t want his help. I just wanted to be left alone and wish I could get over this nightmare.

[JediKaren]

Pain
Today he was more annoying in the morning. I was going back to sleep around 9am when he wanted me to ap. I really don’t remember what we did, I just remember I didn’t want to do it. Later, in the afternoon my friend and I went out and used another intertube to go down a different hill. We had made a small ramp to fly off of. It was my turn to go down and I hit the bump hard and flipped off the tube, tumbled a bit and stopped. At first nothing seemed to be wrong with me and then I got up. There was a sharp pain in my lower back, right above my bottom. I climbed up the hill, unable to hide the pain from my friend.
When I got home the pain had gotten worse. I tried lying on my bed, but that wasn’t working. Getting up from my bed was nearly impossible. I could vaguely feel my teacher in the room, but I also felt him be silent. I wasn’t sure if he was laughing at me or shaking his head. At 8pm I settled onto the couch to watch the games and give my own comments on the pair ice skating. At 8:30 I wanted to know what the time was and Hatais told me. I forced myself to bite the pain and turn around to look at a clock and he was right. At 8:45 he told me I had to go to bed soon and at 9 he told me to go. I never saw a clock until after he told me and he was right every time.
Once painfully in bed I laid there, unable to stay still. My mind was wide away and my back hated my bed. My teacher would make me breathe and calm down so I could ap and then the pain would start and I would have to start all over again. Finally I was able to bare it long enough to ap. I was lying on my stomach which feels very very weird when you’re on your back in real life. He was standing right next to me, with his hand on my neck, keeping my head. I was given a numbing shot where the pain was. It worked for about five or so minutes. When the pain returned I was given another. They did something I couldn’t feel or see for I wasn’t allowed use tri locating. When they were done I stopped aping and the pain had come back. Although there was more breathing done, the pain would not go away nor would anyone do anything for it. I was told that they needed the muscle to relax which is why I was given the shot, but they would make me deal with the pain. It wasn’t until past 11 did I fall into an uneasy sleep where I woke up many times because of the pain.

[JediKaren]

Dancing
The pain in my back went down somewhat, but it still inferred with my sleep. As the day went by my back got better enough that I felt like I could walk around practice balancing on one foot. It was my version of light dancing and keep “fit”. In the evening I watched the men’s ice skating program and threw my own comments in. Hatais kept telling me to sit up on the couch and not to lean back on the pillows. He said that I needed to strength my back and lying down would harm it and it would heal slower. During the programs I would look a man who was about to start and I would know if he was going to skate well or not. I didn’t know any of the skaters and yet I could predict would they would do. I was doing this so much that I couldn’t stop it and it was getting annoying.
When bed time came I was allowed to sit in bed, rather than the floor, but I had to sit up and not rely on the pillows again. He had me ap to his office. He said that he was going to take me to the practice room. As we were about to go out of the office I started to tell him about the foreseeing thing, but I stopped. I wasn’t sure what the point of telling him was. It wasn’t like he would make it stop and it wasn’t doing anyone any harm. He said that we would talk about this later.
The practice room looked the same as the ones he’s taken me to. He said it was the same room each time. I now knew where it was. I was told to kneel and relax. He pushed my hair away from my back and had me sit up straighter. He messaged my shoulders and slowly went down to my lower back. He showed me how to rub that area. Apparently I had been doing it wrong by trying to message the muscle. He wanted me to just rub the skin.
He had me get up and then told me to dance. At first I wasn’t sure how to get started. Normally I have music and can easily throw myself into a role and move the way the person would. I picked out a song in my head, one that I knew well, and danced to that. He didn’t like it and made me pick another that was faster. I stopped after a while because it felt weird to do this. He told me to stretch. A year or two ago I use to stretch every night and I remembered how I did it. I sat down and stretched each leg and then both at the same time. I sat up and went into the splits. I took up and looked at him. H said that I should stretch the upper part of me. Being a dancer and a former ice skater, the upper body is not as important as the lower part. He told me various stretches that I knew from PE class. I got the feeling that when my back healed up he wanted me to do this.
I was told to dance again. I was dancing as if I was on ice. At first he told me to stick to normal, on ground dancing, but I unconsciously went back to spins, jumps and gliding. I even did some moves I could never do in real life. I was getting tired and my back was acting up. I wanted to stop. He wouldn’t let me. He said that I need to work him. The reason why I can never sleep is because I’m not tired enough. I went on dancing for some time. Later he told me to stop. He said that he wanted to show me what I could do here in the astral plane. The lesson ended there, but he said that if I didn’t fall asleep in an hour I should come back and I would train some more. An hour went by and I couldn’t sleep because my mind was too active. Towards the end of the hour I was getting tired and I really didn’t want to ap again. He said in my mind that I should and I told him I didn’t want to. I got serious and forced myself to quiet down and sleep. It worked.

[JediKaren]

Some Days Off
For several days I have been to lazy to type up any ap session. This laziness is due to the fact that I have been behind on my sleep and homework. I tried to go back to the temple to train but I was told that I had to keep up with my homework and journal in order to train. I noticed that during my small break I was sleep uneasily with nightmares of my dad and other things. Apparently aping brings me peace at night. So to get back to the present I will just start with last night.
I sat down to ap. I was a bit nervous coming back. I knew I had lost my focus and I was going to be told off for that. I looked out my window that I was facing to the house next door. There is usually a window that has a light on. I like to use this window as something to calm and focus myself before aping. I remembered a phrase from the Jedi code “There is no emotion there is peace.” For some reason I suddenly understood it. It clearly meant that there is a lot of drama in everyone’s life and to be a Jedi is to not let the drama get to you and focus on peace. I have to not let the little annoying things in my life get to me. Strangely enough several little annoying things had happen right before I settled down to ap. When I felt that I was calm enough to ap I did so.
I was drawn to my master’s room, sitting in a chair. He was sitting behind his desk looking at me. He asked me why I hadn’t done what I was suppose to do. I told him that I was tired and I had homework. He was not happy, but I knew he could have been stricter. He wanted me to write this one up and not fall behind again. He said that I had no mastered focusing and would have to learn it. I told him about my new discovery of the meaning of the Jedi code. He was pleased with that, but would not let his point fade. I was then sent to

[JediKaren]

The Jedi Hall
well have you seen ep 2 The attack of the clones? ok well you know the Jedi hallway scene with Yoda/ Obi Wan and Mace Windu? and they were talking about Anakin and how Obi wan didn't think he was ready? well I was in a hallway that looked just like that
only there were more people and it was more like a room and then I found this door which had stairs that went down. At first I was scared because wheneve I go down stairs it's always bad and stuff
well I went down, it was really dark. When I got to the bottom I saw, not sure how, that there were people in this round bubbling pool. someone asked me to come in, but first I had to strip..argggg...*blush* anyway so I got in and it felt sooooo nice to be in there
I couldn't feel the heat, but the feeling of the water and stuff was good. so I relaxed and feel a bit of the Force, which got me praises and stuff.
so the man guy asked me who I was and where I came from. He, I think it was a he, didn't know much about earth. in fact I'm the only earth Jedi there. so we talked for a while, mostly about me and I said I had to go to bed. I asked if I could come back and he said yes