JK's Second Jedi AP Trips

[JediKaren]

The Woods
I went off to the woods that we walked in the night before. Although it wasn’t that early, I was pretty sleepy and wasn’t in the best mind to be looking around. I did manage to notice the water in the stream was up more than usual, but not flooding. The shrubbery around the stream was broken and bent in one direction. Obvious the stream had overflowed. There was evidence that there were other little streams created on the other side of the path, parallel to the stream. There were no deer and no squirrels. There was a lot of mud on the ground; I guessed the rain had done that. A lot of trees were down, but they were long dead and I guessed another storm had down that.
I went to Walmart and bought myself the star wars comics on dvd. When work was over I went home and watched them for an hour before settling down to ap. During the movie I realized I had forgotten something for my homework. I forgot to look at the woods through the Force. I wondered if I could ap to them right then and check it out. I thought that doing that aply might be different from doing it in real life and therefore it would look like I cheated. I didn’t want that to happen so I decided to face him and say that I had forgotten and hoped I wouldn’t have to take the walk again.
I had downed a whole 24 ounce coke that evening and was pretty hyper. I aped to the woods where the deer was, but much further down the path to a private area next to the stream. I looked around for a while, trying to ignore the person near by. I gave up and told him about what I had seen. I told him about how I forgot about the Force and there was no excuse for that. He told me to ap there. I did so. I looked around and allowed the Force to flow through me. The place seemed very much alive despite the damage. I could feel everything trying to regrow. Some things were getting an advantage from the storm. I told him this. He said to focus on the water. Huh? Why the water? It wasn’t alive, it couldn’t think. I didn’t get it. He got annoyed with me. I really didn’t get it and felt dumb. I was being reminded of too many bad math classes with bad teachers. He took my hand and put it in the water. I took it out and looked at it, thinking “ok, so it’s wet”. He got really annoyed at that.

Suddenly I found myself at the park with the deer, only at the other end, at the pond. I told him this was totally different. A pond has whole ecosystem while a stream doesn’t. He walked to this boardwalk that goes in the middle of the stream. I followed him. He stopped after a few steps and stepped onto the water. He didn’t sink or anything. I stepped out with one foot, testing the water. My foot went under the water. I stopped, thought about it and took another step. I fell into the pond, causing Yoda to get sprayed. When I came up I saw he wasn’t too happy. It was too late to take any of it back. I jumped towards him and did a belly flop in his direction, making sure he got wet. I was hyper and wanted to play. He didn’t and before I had time to react a foot high wave came at me. When I resurfaced I got serious and figured out how to stand on water. He told me to think about how solid the water is. I did so while thinking about rising. I was now standing on water.
I went back to my first problem of figuring out why I was here. I started to feel the pond with the Force. The pond was very still. Wait, that was it! The pond was still and the stream wasn’t. The pond had a different flow of the Force next to the stream. Life responses to the Force. So the life around the stream must be different. I wanted to go compare the two, right then, but it was late and I wanted to do this in real life too. I knew I would have a day off on Monday and asked if I could go do this on that day. He said yes. I asked if I could go. He said there was one more thing. He pointed to the other side of the pond.
I stepped onto the boardwalk, not wanting to fall again. I walked over to the land and looked ahead. I found myself holding my breathe. Did I see what I thought I saw? I came closer. Yes I was right, I was looking at Obi Wan Kenobi. I went shy and quiet. He asked me how I was. I mentally cursed out the lack of privacy and that stupid question. I said I was ok. I looked next to him and to my surprise there was one more Jedi that I recognized. Standing before me was Qui-Gon Jinn. I went even shier, if that’s possible. Nothing was said between us. I didn’t have a clue what to say. I said I had to leave and did so.

[JediKaren]

The Second Part

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

It’s strange to read my first log again because I see what I was like. I was a different person, not completely, but different. I wasn’t nearly as calm, if that is the right word, and my view of world was very very wrong.

Eight years ago when I was eleven, my brother, Jason, left the house after this huge, physical fight. It was late at night and I remember trying to break up the fight, though I lost. My father had stalked out of the room, once my brother had knocked off my dad’s glasses. Although it’s chilling to say this, my father was screaming at my mom to call the police on my brother. My mom refused and said if he wanted to call the police he could do it himself.

At the time I knew nothing about why they were fighting or even why my dad would want to call the police. I do remember, very so strongly and clearly saying goodbye to my brother and hugging him, not knowing if I would see him again.

For eight long years I was trapped in hell, and I mean that literally. It would take me years and years to realize the extent of the prison I lived in, but just from instinct I knew something was horribly wrong with my house and who I lived with. Day by day I bore the abuse of my father and insanity of my mother. For the first few years I saw and knew about my father’s anger, but not his wrath. Most of the time he was annoyed with me and he only was a little angry. The few times that he went all out I nearly peed in my pants out of fear. He would scream and scream, purposely trying to scare me into obeying him. It worked well for him. A few times I had the courage to not shrink back and challenge him. I remember I was around 14 my father screamed at me about a math problem in the car. I asked him why he was trying to scare me. He said that fear made me think better. I never forgot how wrong that sounded. Fear freezes your mind and your body. You literally can’t think and are acting on instinct, which is telling you to run, right then. This was just many of the wrong, abusive things my father did.

I have been slapped three times all in the same fight, punched in the ear that was infected, and threatened to be beaten up, my teeth knocked or killed. All of them left scars on me, generally sending me in a week up to a month in total fear. I remember the time he slapped me three times and threatened to kill me I couldn’t feel psi for a month because every time I tried I would be reminded of him and I would start crying. Each day in spend in pain. Each day I made a slave to my father, forced to do work with not even a thanks. There have been so many times I have been told to leave to house and so many times I couldn’t go. I had to get into college and the only way was to stay in this hell and have the parents pay for what they can. Each day I am bullied if I rebel. I was raised up not get angry or scared unless commanded to. I was not allowed to go out much or have many friends. I was told I didn’t really need friend and the friends I had were bad. I was constantly put down and fell into depression regularly.

My mother, in many senses was no better. She never offered me help or hope. She more times than not, supported my father’s feelings, even when being beaten up in front of her. She never stopped my father. She wanted me to apologize to my dad when he punched me in the ear. She’s a heavy chain smoker and not sane. She talks, more like paces and moves her lips to herself. If you accuse her of this she either denies ever doing it or says there is nothing wrong. The look on her face is one of pain and insanity. There is nothing I could do, but stay hidden in my room or out of the house, which I did a lot. She did not talk to me much. She never offered emotional support. She did the bare minimal that she had to do as a mother and hide from the world. She never had any friends that I saw. She never talked to anyone. She seemed to hate the world. She was not really a mother in many senses.

I don’t know how I survived all those years. I owe my life and soul to the Jedi path. The Jedi path was strict enough to keep me from giving in to the hate, the pain, the fear and the intense anger that surrounded me. I felt the darkside call to me, whisper to me daily. I could not run or hide. I could take walks in the park, but I had to come back to that home. When I came to a best friend’s house all I wanted to was just lay on her bed and sleep. Her house was quiet and peaceful. She understood I was being abused, much more than I ever did. Her mom stressed the point not to get stressed or even say sorry if I knocked over something. I was trained by my dad to immediately pick it while promising, if not swearing, never to do that again and knowledge the fact that I was a klutz.

When Calmista came to me, it seemed like a miracle, but it was hardly that. She had been there, the whole time, watching me in my pain. There was nothing she could do, for it was against the rules. I didn’t believe in her so I couldn’t accept her help. When I was brought to the Warrior’s temple it was quite clear how messed up I was. I had no confidence in myself or anyone. I was scared to death of anyone touching me. It’s rather ironic because secretly I craved for someone to hug and love me. I had to learn how not to rebel at someone older and in charge of me. I had to learn to respect Calmista because she respected me. I had to learn to trust the guides and understand that they weren’t going to harm me or lie to me. I had to learn how to stop living a life of pure survival.

My life seemed to be slowly getting better with minor fall backs. It was my last year of high school and I was having trouble fighting my way through. I managed to get into college and graduate with an academic diploma. Then that horrible summer came. I hated my work because I was cashier the whole time. My empathy made it so I got overloaded most of the time and hated people. I wanted my peace and quiet. On days that I got off I slept as much as my parents would let me and then was made to do a million little chores. What I really needed to do was to be alone and heal myself. My father had no idea how strong an empath I am, so had no idea what leaving me alone could do. I got angry at him quite a bit. I was slowly getting a better idea the amount of abuse I was being put through. I knew if I could get to college my life would be so much better. The weeks seemed to drag by and the fights got worse. More than once my father, in anger, offered me to leave the house forever. I wanted to leave so badly, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t pay for college on my own and this wasn’t the time to be on my own. I silently held out.

It was only a week ago all of this changed. It was eight in the morning when I went to the computer to check my email and to find that my long lost brother had found me. I was shocked beyond belief. It wasn’t that I had forgotten. I thought about him a lot. I dreamed about him. I daydreamed that he would have powers like me and he had been abused and somehow we could make my life somewhat better. I never allowed myself to think about him too much. There was no way I could reach him. I tried to look him up in anyway I could, but he could not be found. It was heartbreaking so I had to stop. He was in a different life. He was part of the innocent, young thing I was. Frankly I don’t much care the innocent child I was. I was weak and stupid. I knew nothing about pain or how to live. Jason was in the past and I had been taught through life and the Jedi one does not get lost in the past. One focuses on the ever present and just a bit on the future.

There was one thing weird about his first two letters he sent at once to me. There was too much emotion. The Jason I knew was rather angry much of time, but never had this emotion. The letter felt weird. I emailed him back, asking he to talk about our past, making sure this was no a cruel practical joke. To my relief and happiness, the letter he sent back was perfect. This was my brother. This was Jason. There was an “angel” out there. Surviving the pain, the dark side, and the horrible depression was all worth it. Jason was my key to getting through college and then creating a life of happiness. Jason was the key a life with abuse and fear. I could finally, truly learn to live and not survive.

Two days after I read the first email I was lucky enough to call him using my friend’s phone. I hadn’t dared tell my parents about what had happen. If I did, all would be lost and there would be much more pain. I shudder at that thought. The phone call was nothing at all what I thought it was going to be. The voice that I heard wasn’t the voice that I remember Jason having. It was high pitched and violently reminded me of extremely gay guy. After asking if this was my brother I was reinsured it was. Jason has warned me that his voice had changed, but hadn’t told me how. It turns out that my brother is a transsexual. That was a very very painful shock that took over me for a few seconds. It was my Jedi training that saved me from stopping me. I pushed myself through that idea, knowing I would have to face it, understand and accept it later.

We talked for forty five minutes. We talked about everything we could. We talked about his past, mine, why he left, where he was, what he was doing and the fact it was 5 am for him and he was half asleep. It turns out that he strongly believes my mom is getting raped by my dad. That seems to be out of the blue and unrealistic until I think about it. Most everyday my parents take a nap, or so they say. For several years I knew they were really having sex, but I never mentioned that to anyone. There was one thing that I never put together. My mom every time, without fail would come out in this practically angry, half insane mood. I learned years ago just to leave her alone and she would calm down. I never thought about why she would feel like this when having sex. The only question that I still don’t have an answer is why she is doing this. The best answer is she isn’t strong enough. I have to admit that hurts. It hurts so much to know that she’s trapped because she can’t get the strength to say no. It hurts so much to know my father is doing this.

My brother told me the night he left he said to my dad that he knew about the rap. My dad said he would no support him anymore and the fight started. That scares me. Now I know and if I do what he did, I’ll be kicked out too. Of course I want to leave that hell like I’m on fire, but I want to leave on my terms. It may not be Jedi like, but I want revenge on my parents. I want both of them to know they lost both of their children because both of them didn’t take care of us and didn’t treat us right. I want the whole family to know what has happened for the last eight years and to know their relatives did this. I want them to feel just a bit of guilt for letting this happen.

After I got off I went to my friend and started crying. It was all too much. There was too much shock, too much pain. My friend and her mom calmed me down. They reminded that I had found my brother, no matter what sex he was. Maybe he could fly from California to my college and we could see each other, but that would be facing him, I mean her.

That day got worse, much worse. My mom had gotten very drunk the night before and badly bruised the skin around her eye. There was blood all around. My dad then got mad at me for wanting to take the friend who I went over to call, to an amusement park. He gave me the silently treatment. I remember lying on my bed curled up, trying hard not to cry or scream. At work all the registers froze when we had a huge amount of customers. It was a very long, stressful night. I’m proud to say that I never lost my cool despite all I had gone through.

Jason and I talked on msn for hours and hours during that week. We talked all about our past. He was abused like me, but never knew it. I learned it through some school and some common sense. When he got away from the parents and several years later he realized what had happened with him. He also discovered that he was really a girl, trapped in a male body. The reason why it took so long was our father.

In one of the early chats I had with my brother I told him why I think our father is like the way he is. Based on what my father has said, I think meaning to, his mother or my grandmother abused him. My grandmother had a strong grip over my father. I think this happened because my grandmother had always been poor and had an exceedingly hard life. Her mother died when she was born and she was raised by her aunts. Her aunts were always sick and she ended doing everything as a child. She wanted my father to have better life and was determined he was going to get one, even if he hated it. I believe my father grew up hating women. He then went into the army as a volunteer and did not know what he was getting into. It sounds, from the way he talks about the war, he changed greatly from the war. He hated everyone, thinking everyone was out to kill him. He has told me it took him years to sleep well. He found and fell in love with my mother. They traveled for his job and mom got pregnant with Jason. I believe up until Jason was born there was true love. I think the relationship started to show signs of strain with Jason. Nine years later I was born.

I wasn’t planned. My mom had high blood pressure and was warned that if she had another child she was putting her and the child at risk. Jason and I believe that my father was so religious that he would not get an abortion despite the risks. I was born three months early. My mom was in a coma for a month and I was two pounds, one and a half ounces small. I could fit in your hand, I was small. The medical research had just figured out not to give preemies oxygen and some how found a way to keep me alive. I believe my abilities played a huge factor in my survival.

Once I was born the family fell apart. It wasn’t sure for months what would happen to my mom and me. No one knew if I would live. Time went by and I made it, but I was a lot of work. Jason says that when things settled a bit was when the rap began.

There is much more that happened to my family, all of it too painful to say. Jason and I have been trying to help each other. We are facing our past and trying to come to terms to it. We are also learning and understanding each other. I have learned to accept his sex, though for now it looks like I will always think of him as my brother, not my sister. Jason still sees me as an eleven year old. Paul told me that we have switched gender roles. This includes that I act more like a guy than a girl. At first I was repelled by this. I was girl; there were no doubts about it. How could I be like a guy? I thought about it and realized I am a tomboy. I’m a warrior, I could care less about my looks, I like rock music and hate women singers, I hate a lot of girls because they are such air heads. I liked to be silent and have my privacy. I felt more comfortable around certain guys than many girls. Still, I know what gender I am and I have no problems with being a girl.

Another issue I had to discover within myself is sex. My father made it clear I was not to have sex until I was married. It was never said, but the subtext was that clear. The Jedi path did not help with this. As a Jedi I can’t have sex or a relationship. But because I am starting my own order I have the right to decide if I want to hold the rule up. Calmista on the other hand wants me to discover my sexual side and not hide it like I have for so many years. She wants me to be comfortable with my feelings and understand that it is natural and perfectly ok to want sex. It took her months and months of prying me off my fear of sex to learn and accept my body. Even with all that work, Jason has noticed that I do not love my body by any means, which is a typical sign of abuse.

I’ve known for years that I was a mental wreak, but up until now did I really understand how deep it went. I realize all the training I have received from Calmista, the healers, the Jedi and all the other guides has been to heal the damage and help me create a better life. I could not go to the Jedi at first. I had too much fear. The fear would block me from the Force, which would stop my training. I realize that my abuse shows up much clearer in the astral plane. The image of my self shows what I think of myself. It’s strange, but I have never looked into a mirror there. In the astral plane my emotions are more blunt because of the place and also because I feel freer to show them. If everyone can see through me, then I shouldn’t try to hide what I feel. This includes the fear and the confusion.

I need to say that all this time I haven’t been training. Calmista more than understands. In fact she has been pushing me away, saying not to come if it has to do with my family. I must work this out on my own. She has been hinting me to go to the Jedi. I did one night. It was after I figured out how to start healing myself. The trip wasn’t very well done. I saw myself so clearly and it was so painful. I started crying in front of a Jedi and then left. Now that I’m in college I’m not sure about training. Classes haven’t started and I’m trying to get use to being on my own. I think I will like it once I get through another week.

[JediKaren]

Getting Help
As much as I hate councilors I went to one yesterday. My sister, my best friend, my RA who was been abused in all forms all strongly suggested I go to a councilor to get help. I didn’t want to go. The Jedi and other guide never made me want to go through it. In eighth grade I went to one a month after my father had slapped me three times and threatened to kill me. I waited a month because I believed that I had started the fight and therefore got what I deserved and no one was going to believe me or do anything. Although I realize I was wrong to think that, I was right in no one would do anything. The school councilor didn’t think there was anything wrong with the first two hits and was questioning the last one. She offered to call social services if I felt that it should be done. I was too upset and too caring about my parents to do it. The only good part that came out of that experience is I stopped crying everyday and being scared, but I swore never to go to a councilor again.

About a week ago I was online, talking to Jason’s best friend Allie and remembered something. From the first day on I had stopped having nightmares. During much of the school year and all during the summer I was constantly having nightmares. Half the time they were on stupid stuff and the other part they were on things that were scaring me to death. I would be dreaming, knowing it was a nightmare, wanting to wake up and finally would. I was stay awake for an hour at a time, too scared to go back to sleep, knowing that I would go back to nightmares and much of the time I did. It was the shock of realizing I was no longer terrified that I realized how bad it was at my house and how much I needed help.

Going to that councilor was a very hard thing for me to do. It meant I had to forget the last real one I visited and also try to convince myself this councilor was not a Jedi and would not judge me in anyway. My RA had recommended a councilor by the name of Keiren, pronounced the same way as my name. I still wouldn’t go. Tiffany daily bugged me to go, saying it would help and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Even Jason said I should go several times. It was only when my RA said to me that she had told the councilor I would come this week, did I realize I had to go.

I went after lunch, mostly because it was still poring down rain and my umbrella had broken. She looked rather nice with grey hair, gentle personality and a soft voice. I was asked to sit in this big, comfy arm chair, while she sat opposite of me. I was told to relax, but I was anything but calm. She asked what I wanted to talk about. I didn’t have a clue how to start explaining everything I have been through. I started off saying I had lived a rough life and needed help sorting through it. She started from there and worked through various topics.

I mostly talked, mostly about my past. She asked sometimes why I felt this way or why I thought certain things happened. She had a few good points. The one that stuck out in my mind was about the nightmares. She said that when kids that don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with such abuse they feel it in their dreams, that takes place in nightmares. It makes sense because I wouldn’t allow myself to feel all these horrible emotions I was going through. During the summer the nightmares got worse as the emotions build.

At the end of the hour and a half she asked me to keep a daily diary. She wanted me to compare my old life with my new one at college, seeing how different it was and how I felt about it. I was also was asked to come back the same time next week. I started the diary with comparing the meaning of home and if I wanted to college to be my home and why.

Looking back at the Jedi and other spirit’s counseling, I understand they did the exact same thing as this lady did and I had rejected them so much. Part of the problem was I wasn’t being asked to go, I was lead to them and made, if that’s the right word, to talk. I couldn’t see why I had to talk about my problems. I didn’t think I had problems. I could handle my fear and anger. I could handle my father, even though as the summer went by I was slowly crumbling. The closer I got to college the more run down I felt, the more weak I felt, and yet I refused to admit it.

Then Jason came into my life. I had daydreamed about him so much, in so many ways that the way he came wasn’t that surprising. It was only his sex change that had me stepping back in total shock and surprise. He was always a he to me and could never be a she. For a week my mind blank out refused to accept it and I was so desperate to make him change, to understand it was perfectly ok to be a guy. She wouldn’t do it. I tried going to Calmista for help, but she refused to help, saying I had to figure this out on my own. I was mad at her about this, asking what’s the point of having a guide that won’t guide you through a huge problem like this? She offered the Jedi as an answer to help me. I refused. I wasn’t going to drag Jedi into my horrible, nightmarish past and present. It was kind of silly for me to think that. They probably know more about my past and present than I do myself.

Jason brought a lot of new things into my life, some good and some I never wanted to know or hear. She painfully pointed out how controlling my father was and how much power he had over me. All of my emotions, thoughts, and actions were based on what he would want me to do. I hardly recognized it at home, even that last week before I left for college. Jason, or should I say Jeanine, brought a lot of hope and will into my life. I found more interest in my site, my life, my health and my future. She pointed out options I never thought of and calmed certain fears.

At the same time I was doing the same for her. I helped her remember her past, which she had completely blocked out. Sadly enough I brought a lot of anger in her. My Jedi self screamed that I might turn her to the dark side and I begged my sister to calm down and let go of her past, but not forget it. She refused to and said this was a sign of my father’s control. We argued about this for days and day, neither one of us listening to the other, both thinking we were right and the other was messed up in the mind.

There still is a lot of pain to work through. I’m sure about this counseling thing, but I’ll give it a try. It can only help me and I know I really need help. Maybe I’ll be able to train again.

[JediKaren]

The Crazy Plan
It was late at night and I was unable to sleep. I decided to do something crazy. I was going to attack Yoda with a squirt gun. My reason for this insane idea, I wanted to play. I realized over the summer, when he took me to the pond and other places, to play and have fun it was a way to heal me. During the day and evening I was constantly working. I was neither at work or doing a million useless chores for my dad. I wasn’t having any fun. I wasn’t allowed much to go out and walk around natural. What little time I had was spent online, trying to keep my site up.

He knew that I was being hurt with all this work. He knew that I was stressed and in no mode to do serious training. I was doing all work and no play. He tried to give me some freedom to have fun and be a kid, to heal my worn out spirit and gain energy. I would not take it. I felt guilty if I wasn’t training. I felt like I was being spoiled. It must of looked very grown up for me to feel that way, but I must of looked stiffed. It’s strange to think during the school year all I wanted to do was fool around and then the long dark summer came.

I remembered the squirt gun fight we once had and wanted to do that again. I thought about charging into his room and taking him by surprise. I didn’t really expect this to work, but it would be funny as anything.
I came to the door of the hall and created myself a super soaker. I made sure it was full to the top. I knocked and was let in by the guard. The guard looked at me strangely. I then saw Obi Wan. For some reason the Jedi has decided to take some interest in me. He claims that he went through something similar to what I am going through and wishes to help. I’m not sure how to respond to that. I’m glad he cares, but at the same time I do not want his pity. He smiled at me, in this “you know this is stupid, but I have to admit funny” way. I ignored him. I then saw Qui Gon. For another stranger reason I’ve seen him a few more times. I’m not sure if I totally like him. We’re very much alike, but the few differences set us very apart. For one thing age is a big factor. He makes me feel awkward and rather young. He looked at me and told me Yoda was expecting me. Darn, there went the surprise. I decided to still go with my plan. He said this would not work. I told him someone needs to do this. I want to be the person who does something incredibly stupid and hilarious.

I kept on walking and stopped near by. I needed to calm myself. If I came excited and nearly giggling, it would be too obvious. Even if this completely failed, I had to make an effort. I had to do this the Jedi way. I decided to not use the door, but to go through the wall. I went to the wall and gathered all the hyperness in me and let it out in full blast. Strange, how I can have that sort of control over my emotions when I want it. I rushed through the wall, into his room and did not see him in his normal spot. I turned around and saw him stand next to the wall I came from with a squirt gun in his hands. I could not help but say “darn” and then get squirted. I squirted him and decided to go to plan B. I aply teleported myself to the pond, and somehow he clung to me. That very much scared me, seeing that I didn’t know that was possible. I dived into the water, but he was still on me. I kicked and kicked him off and swam for the other side.

This all took twenty or less seconds. It was so fast I barely had time to think. I looked around for him and saw him on the bank. He asked me to come and follow. I did and was lead to the rocks. I couldn’t help remembering the “don’t come here scared” scene. For some reason that I don’t remember I stopped aping and it ended.

[JediKaren]

The End for Now...


This is the end of my ap log for now. I still ap to the Jedi at times, but not very often. There are many reasons. For one I have found a Jedi site that has been helping a ton. I get to talk about Jedi ideas, the code, and such. I have recieved a lot of emotional help that I'm know starting to practice. Also going to the ap Jedi temple was a way to survive the hell I lived it. I was brought there to have some tiny piece of goodness, peace and and stablity. I'm now in a small peaceful college with a good roommate and some friends. I have found a lot of peace and am slowly healing, but in some ways aping to the Jedi temple isn't helping. For the first month every time I went to the temple I would be reminded of the abuse and my father. I would either start crying or get angry. At that point I found a master from that site and have been getting even more help.

I'm sure I will be coming back. For one thing I have a month of winter break to survive in that house and then about 3-4 mounths of summer break. I know I will be needing all the support I can get. Anyway I wish to thank all who read this. I wish to thank my spirit guide, Calmista for being that great motherly friend even if I have a family issues with her Wink. And of course I wish to greatly and deeply thank the Jedi who were there, understood me much more than I did and respected me.

May the Force be with all, live and in spirit.