My log, Aping

[JediKaren]

last night's trip invovles some people and I can't post it without getting their permission first. You all will have to wait.

[JediKaren]

13th Trip
I aped in front of Calmista’s door and knocked. She opened the door, but asked that I wait a moment. I was wearing all white this time. So I did I was then allowed it. On her bed a guy was sitting on the bed. He had this dark brown robe on and had dark brown hair. He reminded me of a monk. I went shy. He said that he and Calmista were talking about me, about last night. He asked me to come over to him. He looked at my forehead and said that I have this circle with a line throught the middle and 4 lines on the top half. It was a sunset over the water. He then left. I asked Calmista who he was and she said he would be a teacher of lightsaber and other fight techinques. She said that we had to go to the council now. I followed her a short distance. I had to go in alone. I couldn’t really seem them. It was more like seeing static human forms in the air. I was told to sit. I was then asked hwo was training going. I said ok. They then gave me something to do for this week. I have to go to my psionic nighbor and ask if he knows anything about psi. He should give more instruction after that. My only problem with this is trusting this will work, but I don’t have a choice. They called Calmista in and had me leave and go 3 rooms down.

I went into the room. A short man was there. I couldn’t really see him that well. I was told to sit. I suddenly realized this was the meditation room Calmista had told me about. I was asked to realx, to calm down and breathe. That was easy to do. In fact calm down was easier than usual. I told to image water then floating on calm water, on a raft. I was to look up at the sun. The sun was energy and therefore psi. I was to focus on the sun and it’s energy. I then used it’s energy and focused it on me, inside of me. I was told to let one beam of energy out. I had one straight in front of me. I was told to add one more. To the left of me. The time I was done I have four beams of energy. Front, right, left, and behind me. I was told to spin them so I did. He suddenely called stop. I wasn’t spining them very fast and could stop and feel all four. I was told to go faster so I did. He called stop again the the left one merged with the behind one and the right one merged with the front one. He said this was a lack of control. I had to start all over again and this time I could do it. I was told to add another four. I have now all the points of a compass. I spinned them very slowly for there were a lot of them. Suddenly my head started hurting and it seemed that I got cut off from psi and aping. I didn’t know what was going on. I asked for the pain to stop. Nothing happened. Calmista told me in that half hearing feeling way to ap again. Psi had returned to me, but the pain had not gone.

I aped slowly and in pain with no real idea of where to ap to. I found myself on a bed. She was next to me. I tried to ask things, but she kept shushing me up. She also kept looking at the mark on my forehead. This woman came in. I was told that I had been overloaded with that meditation thing. It was known to happen. My mind just shut down. She put her hand on the back of my head. It felt like she was trying to force something up and out of my head. I don’t know what, but I do most of the pain went away. When she was done Calmista took me to another room where she said that she had to do more work on the mark. I don’t know what she did and she wouldn’t tell me.

She made me go to bed. I replayed everything, but then thought about how Paul and Joe both have rooms there. I wanted to see them. Calmista had no problem with this and told me to meet her in her room. We went to Paul’s room first. It took a bit of a walk through many hallways to get there. She said that Paul wouldn’t mind. We then went to Joe’s room. Joe had invited me there some weeks ago. The room was small with papers on the floor. I then finally went to bed for real.

Reflection
Ya know I'm getting really really sick of healers. I spend more time with them any anything else. This is making me wish I wasn't so screwed up. Paul says that the reason I got overloaded so easily was because it was a different type of psi, but I didn't feel anything weird about it. Grrr I am so not this weak. Well maybe I can prove that.

[JediKaren]

14th trip
I had spent the day sick with a very slight cold. Nothing to really bother me, but enough that I couldn’t ap. Calmista started bugging me when I got home from work. I didn’t want to go. I was going to have to meet another healer and I sick of them.

I aped to her room. Sure enough I was right. The guy in the dark brown room was there. He asked me to come over. I got really up set, almost to the point of tears. I tried to back into a corner of the room and refuse to do anything. Calmista took me, hugged me and took me on a short walk out of the room to calm down. She asked that I at least just talk to him. So I agreed.

I guy was nice I suppose. He knew a bit too much about me for me to be comfortable. He said that Calmista told him, but once again I get the feeling there’s a sign over my head telling people certain things. He asked what was wrong with me. I said I had a slight sore throat, tired, slight fever, he felt my face when I said that, and slightly blah. He knew that I was completely burned out on people touching people to heal. He asked if he could heal without doing that well I wouldn’t mind it so much. I nodded. He said he could do it, but wanted to go to another room with more space, so I followed.

In first grade we played a game to keep hyperactive kids from going totally nuts and being murdered by their teacher. It was the head and shoulder game. We all stand up and touch our head, shoulders, knees and toes. Yeah I’m singing the song in my head as I type this. Well he wanted me to the game, only with psi. I was to touch each body part with psi. It was really stupid and funny and after once doing it I bursted out into giggles. Sort of a ice breaker game.

He then had me hold out one hand and send psi through it. Then I added the other hand. Then he had me hold my hands out like I was pressing against a wall with them. I sent psi through them. Then he had me take them away, but still image the hands being there and sending energy through. This turned out to be harder than I thought. I remembered the energy I had some how used the night before and image taking energy from the sun. The energy was different from the normal stuff. This was easier to gather and smoother in a way. It quickly got out of hand and the headache came back. I paniced and couldn’t get stop psi from flowing. I was starting to get into serious overload when he had me sit down and ground. Grounded helped a lot. He sorta got me to lie down, where he took the pain away. I was then asked to use psi in any way I wanted to.

At work I like to play a game with psi when I’m bored. I like to image it as a streamer and create strands of psi and twirl them. I use two strands and have them play leap frog and other kiddish things. It’s really quite fun. So I played that game while lying down. I used the same quick energy. I would have the energy spin, leap and finally exploded into more strands, each time adding two. The time I got to 8 I was tried. I really wanted to curl up into bed and sleep. He said that I could and to be careful because I might be dizzy. He said that he could heal me as I slept. I was dizzy, but not enough that I couldn’t make it to bed.

Reflection
I knew I was going to get sick soon. At least it’s just a cold. It barely effecting me. That night didn’t make me like healers anymore, but suppose I could go throught that again. You have to wonder how they know about stupid stuff you play in first grade?!?!

[JediKaren]

15th trip
I was rudely woken up that morning with psi exploding in my head. I didn’t know why or how. At 1pm I finally went to my neighbor’s house. He showed me the weeding he wanted done. I asked him if he knew anything about psi. He didn’t seem to, but would look it up on the internet. He asked why I wanted to know. I said that some friends were talking about it and I wanted to know about it. I said that telepathy had to do with in, hoping to give him more of a clue. Somehow I set him off the wrong direction. He said that if it had to do with telepathy it was phoney.

Phoney! NO! I mentally cried out. For minutes I struggled with that idea. It was a slap to the face and I was very tempted to slap back. I finally calmed down forcing myself to think. There had to be another way around this. I had put too much hope, time and energy into this to give up. The Jedi part of me grew and fanned out. I was a Jedi. If he couldn’t respect him, than too bad. Then it dawned on me. Suppose this was all just a really rude, mean trick he was playing? Supose he was playing dumb, as I supected him to play. He just wanted to see if he could rock my core, my beliefs. Well if that was the game, screw him. He wasn’t going to win. The two hours of yardwork flew by and I got my pay at the end.

I could not help, but fall apart into depression and almost tears when I left. That house is very calming and to leave after such an event was horrible. I got online to whine and pout, but I was told to just wait and let things settle down and see what happens. Wait? I didn’t want to wait! I got off and played some angry music. Well that just made me feel worse. I did an emergency ap to Calmista’s room. When she let me in, she seemed busy and rather unware of what had happened. I first ran into her arm half crying, but I pushed her away in angry. I demanded answers. She just told me to wait it out. She also said to ap tonight to the healer’s room. My face just shut down at that thought. I got cold and glared at her. She told me to knock it off. She put her hand on my forehead, no fever, did she think I was sick and that’s why I was angry? I don’t think so. She said that my mark was glowing. Marks can glow? She said that it glows when I’m upset or angry. I asked if it would glow it I was being really super Jedi like. She said yes. I was told to go because dinner was going to be ready. Sure enough my mom called dinner in less than a minute later.

I came home from work still somewhat disspressed. I had somehow managed to break this glass piece by bumping it, not very hard on another piece of glass. I think I accidently broke it with my abilities somehow. After that I got very very careful with psi. I didn’t dare touch it and forced myself not to think about it around anything breakable.

I sat down and aped to the room just as I had been asked. I begged Calmista not to make me do this, she just ignored me and got me on the bed, lying down. She made me close my eyes. I could feel people come right next to me. They went into my head. I don’t know what they did. I really felt uncomfortable. I finally opened my eyes and half tried to get up. Calmista held me down. We sorta of argued. Finally I linked to her. It was sorta of like a mental clinging hug. I then reached out and felt that different type of psi. It came fast and easy. I didn’t like it. She nudged me into using it on the link to make the link stronger. It was overloading me. The more I tried to make it go away or control it, the worse it got. Calmista said my mark was glowing neon blue. I paniced and she still won’t do anything. I tried harder to make it go away and I could. I tried grounding, but somehow that did nothing. She finally told me to think of earth, and then the bed. To think about how solid it felt. The energy left, but the pain came in. It felt like I had badly strained something in my head. I left the healers do their thing without a bit of struggle the pain was so bad. Calmista said that I should not touch this energy unless there is a healer near by. She didn’t have to tell me twice. This power was too dangerous for me to handle. I would pass out if it weren’t for them. I was told to go to bed were they would somehow make my body sleep so I would get more rest. I did and it took 15 minutes to finally sleep.

(I'll do a reflection another day)

[JediKaren]

Psi Sickness
I had gotten up rather early that morning to talk to Paul. We talked about how I got oeverloaded and how I lacked the skill the control over. I had avoided energy manipulation for years. I went to work feeling fine, but when I got back a headache was coming. At one in the afternoon I had sat down to see if I could move the psi wheel. I barely managed some very slight movement. I could almost link and send energy to the wheel. The main problem with me was my head was hurting to much in the back of my head. Calmista told me to go take a nap. So I did for half an hour. When I woke up the headache was still there, only now in the front. It felt like my mark on my forehead was trying to explode in pain. I started shivering like you do when running a fever, but there was no fever. I managed to talk to Paul and he stopped the shivering, but not the pain. It was now time to go to work.

Although I took something for the headache and ate a little food the pain was there. For the first half an hour I was in near panic. I could feel psi around me with my control over it falling apart. It felt as though my abilities were on the edge of control and threating to go wild any second. I repeatly grounded the new way and I think that saved me. I was left dizzy, dead tired and disoriented. Finally my 15 minute break came and I sat down in a chair and painfully aped to Calmista’s room. She seemed a bit surprised to see me. I half hugged her and then leaned against her cabient holding my head in pain. She asked what was wrong. I explained my head hurt and I was overloaded. I was begging her to do something. I didn’t care how. I had to have this pain go away. I forced my fear of healing away. She gentally rubbed my head and told me to stop aping. Good, it was causing a ton of pain to do so. She seemed rather worried about it, as if it was more serious than I thought. She told me not to ap that night.

So I stopped aping, lay my head on the table like told. I was like that for a few minutes and the time I got up to go back to work the pain had left. Later on I got my lunch break. I had my food and hand 15 minutes left. I aped back to her room. This time I was about to knock when she opened the door. I asked why this was happening and why was my mark hurting. She said that my body was rejecting it and causing an infection. The infection must have been the random, out of control psi overload. She said I would have to wait this out and if it happened again, come straight to her as soon as possible. She also said she would heal me that night while I slept. At this point the pain had return and I told to go. I did and she took the pain away again. Nothing happened the rest of the night.

[JediKaren]

sorry you all. I know I'm very much behind on all of this. I promise to update as much as I can. I've got two more days of work and then I'll be on vacation for 10 days.

[JediKaren]

16th trip
Calmista had spent the morning “tuning” the mark. She made me during work, gather energy and then stop. She made me do it again and again, asking me to gather more. I was rather hestine because I was scared of getting overloaded again and I had eight hours of work to get through. She assured me this would not happen. I asked mentally, if I could visit her during my break. She said yes, but there would be a healer there and I had to obey him. I agreed.

I aped just like I asked and was allowed in her room. She seemed busy again. The healer said hello asked me how I was and went straight for my mark. He put his hand on my forehead, but I’m not sure what he did. I had to go after a bit, but Calmista told me to ap that night. She had something planned. I was told that I would have to go through one more overload sometime in the evening. It wouldn’t be as bad as the last.
At 9:30pm I got off the ‘puter and went to my room to listen to some music. That’s when the overloaded happened. There was lot of energy in me and around me shaking. I just sat on my bed and let it do it’s thing. At 10 the light flickered, Calmista’s way of telling to go to bed. I sat on the floor and painfully aped to her room. There was this healer in her room that took me to another room and had me sit down. He tried to do something, but I had too much energy. He got another guy to come and hold the back of my head. The second guy seemed to be draining me of excess energy. He then did work on my mark and seemed try to forced my mark to behave and work with me. I was finally allowed to go. Calmista was waiting for me and took me to another room. The room was crowded with people and in the center of it was this old guy sitting there. It was a classroom full of psionics. I may have been the only Jedi there, I don’t know. He was going over the basics of psi. My head was starting to hurt again and I was having trouble listening. He kept looking at me. We were told to move around and find someone to partern up with. He came over to me then. He knew a fair amount about me. He knew I was shy, but a good student in real life. I’m not bragging eigher. I really am. Very quiet, but I listen.

He pointed out another shy girl and I went to her. Her name was Jenny. Wow finally someone with a normal name. We were told to link to each other and then do a few things. The pain was getting worse and I couldn’t hide it. The girl asked me if I were ok, I said yes. She wanted to get the teacher, but I didn’t want to appear sick and have to leave. Finally she raised her hand and the teacher came. I was told to sit down. He knew I was still overloaded. He took me to this healer. Calmista was lying down on a table. I was really surprised to see her like that. She said she was ok and I should go to the next room. I didn’t want to leave her. She insisted and I went. I don’t remember what happened because I told to go to bed in real life while being healed. I fell asleep.

[JediKaren]

Headaches
lol, it's so simple and yet hard. For the last few days my mark that I got at the merida temple has been giving me random, extremely pain headaches. My guide said that I was rejecting the mark and it was causing the headaches. So far I had been depending on my giudes and healers to help with the blinding pain, but if you've read my log you'll know I really really don't want to be around a healer if I can help it.

so today at work I was in the mood to train, but to do that I had to be able to ap. Aping is really hard on my mind and hurts like anything when I have one of these headaches. Calmista said that I had be well before I could go train. She said to be well I had to be able to link to her. This meant I had to be able to gather psi, which was painful. I was determine to fight this and win.

I started off with the mark. I knew if I could convice my mind and body to accept this I could train. To get my mind and body to accept I focused on the mark. I could feel it. I could also feel the pain. I forced myself to love this mark. I made this mark mine and bonded with it. I could feel psi start to trickle in. That gave me an idea.

I gathered the tiniest bit of psi I could and my mind and mark didn't mind it. I stopped and rested for a while (I was working the entire time). I then would gather just a tiny bit more. I kept this up until I felt that I had enough to link with my guide with. Now I'm not saying this didn't hurt at all. I kept pushing my mind to the limit and then had to back off and ground. I made myself relax and accept the pain and mark.

At my break I aped to Calmista. She checked on the mark and took me to healer who also checked on it, sent energy through it and made me link to the healer. All went well and I was clear to train. Calmista said that she rather have me only train during the afternoon or at night, not both. Awwwww lol. also if I had any more overloads I couldn't train for a day and would have to go back to the healer *groan* Anyway that's how I solved my problem. *dances around in happiness*

[JediKaren]

Many trips
I know I have been bad on writing up trips. I’ve let a few slip. So I’ll recap what I can.

I’ve had a lot of headaches, yes still even after I accepted the mark. The pain was mostly located in the back of my head, but also it was the mark being a pain in the forehead…heh. I was told not to rub it or iche it. Calmista kept sending me to one healer to the next. None of it was working and I was getting fed up. I didn’t see what they were doing that was going to help. I didn’t see the use in sending a lot of energy through me. There was one trip two days ago where I aped to Calmista’s room. I went to a healer and when done, went to her room. There was a being, I rather not say who, there. I was shocked, humbled and went shy in less than a second. This was one of those people you behave around no matter what. His respect come before Calmista and I really don’t know the guy. He was nice if not having a bit of fun watching me go complete obiedent. Lol poor Calmista. She puts up with so much from me and yet all it takes is one glance at this guy and she could make me do anything. I half wanted to believe this was real and half didn’t. I didn’t want to feel the horrible pain of knowing that was just me daydreaming. I left not too long after.

I spent a day or two struggling with the idea of this was really happening. I was at work when I felt the guy. It was only for a few seconds, but it was enough. I knew he was there the same way I knew when Calmista was. You can litteral feel them being there and practically solid and alive. I decided I would have to go on the “this is really happening” idea. I aped to Calmista’s room last night during my break at work. I went to her room and found the same guy there. I was going through a headache, but I down right begged him not to send me to more healing. I didn’t want it and it wouldn’t work if I didn’t want it. I was asked if I wouldn’t be healed, would I train? I said yes. It had to be better than healing. Calmista was asked to come too and seemed somewhat surprised. We jumped it seemd to this really big hall…well that’s the word I can think of. The room was huge with a very high ceiling. Somehow it dawned on me I was here for more lightsaber training. I was told to fight Calmista. I was given no details on how so as far as I can tell I could of kicked, punched and done what little I can with psi to fight, but I used my lightsaber.

So I attacked her. It wasn’t easy. First off I had to force myself into the “you can do it” Jedi mind. It really don’t help to know she’s so much better than me. The next problem was I seriously didn’t know any moves. I kept using the same thing over and over until he called us to a quits. With all the books I read and the movies that I’ve memorized you would think I would of picked something up. Anyway I was forced to return to my body with hoemwork: come up with better moves. So I spent the time at work trying to visualize new moves. I came to the conclusion that I would have to wait until I aped to try them out.

Night came and I aped, or at least tried to ap to the temple. I could not get in and asked Calmista as to why. She said I was not ready. I really wanted to ap to her so I asked if there was a way. She suggested going to that forest again. There she started aply giving me a back massage. This wasn’t a fun one because she demanded that I actually move in real life. I had to sit up really straight or lie down. I felt like a fool and spent the entire time argueing with her. She got her way in the end and let me to go the temple. There they same guy was at the healing room along with another guy. The first guy just sat there, not doing much. The second guy sent energy through me. I went to bed soon after.

Later that night I got up to talk to Paul. We yapped and decided I would not advance until Calmista got what she wanted. She wanted obiedence and I wanted her respect. Neigher of us would give each other what they wanted until they got want they wanted first. I ended the talk some hours later and with my head down promised to behave. We went through another massage of energy only this time I didn’t ap. I felt like more of a fool, but did everything she asked. She was quite happy with me the time she was done. Later that day around noon she had me ap again to a healer and have me allow the guy to do the same thing again. I did with her now extremely pleased. She had now seen hope in me.

It was my last night at work for this one store. I never really liked the store. The people there were immature and management was loose. I wasn’t paid as well as my second job and I really should have been impatient for the shift to end. I was not. I was on the edged of tears the whole time. All I wanted to do is find some private corner and cry. One butt. Manager that was about to leave, the only one I could stand, came to me, hugged and kissed me on the cheek. I supposed she liked me because I did honest, hard work. That was kind of weird. The other butt. Manager that was on duty was the one I hated. I hated her name, the way she acted, and how she dressed. She felt the need to give one of the emoplies some money to buy me some cupcakes as a going away thing. You would of thing I would of broke down into tears, but yet I starting laughing. Life is truly weird.
Before the cupcakes came I went on my break and hurried over to Calmista. I couldn’t stand this need to cry. I ran into her arm and aply cried. To aply cry is just not the same in real life sadly enough. I explained this was my last day. She held me in her arms. I half ripped off my hair thingy and let my hair down loose. She petted it and noted it was growing longer. She calmed me down a little and explained why I felt like this. I was an empath. I had created a bond with these people if I knew it or not and now I had to break it. This bond was ok for a Jedi to have. I was a new Jedi. One were bonds and attachments are ok and even encouraged. Just don’t go wild with them. She kissed me on the lips and asked if I felt better. I felt a jolt go through me and something lighten. I said yes. For the rest of the evening I was a lot calmer.

I came home and went to bed. Really I went to my window and forced some tears out. I had to get some of this pain out. I aped to a healer’s room under Calmista’s orders. There was I was given a comfort blanket. This blanket was warm and calmed strained nerves. We went back to Calmista’s room. She had a little test for me. She went through various skills and had me do each of them. Sort of reviewing them. I passed easily. There are supposely a few more things I have to cover before I can move on. Patience being one of them.

[JediKaren]

Another trip
Joe had gotten me a seat in this meeting at the temple, but really couldn’t give me details on what it would be about. I aped to the main room on the first chamber. Calmista was there and so was this tall guy. He would take me to meeting.

I asked Calmista what she would do if she had to choose psionic surgery for two weeks or less abilities. First she started off with “you’re the one who has to go through it and I’ll go for eigher”, but when I pushed her she picked surgery.

The guy took me to this back door. The hallway was cramped, long, and dark. He stopped and opened this door. I went through it and few a few steps I was in the meeting room. There were bench seats like at baseball games. There must have been over several hunderd people there. I didn’t have a clue where to sit. I spotted this person waving her/his hand around and went to her/him.

She/ he knew me. I say she/ he because that person was both genders. They could appear to be a woman around lots of women or a guy around lots of guys. She was called Nesta (pronounced Nee-stay) She had watched me from when I first entered the temple looking scared. She said she almost came up to me, but Calmista got to me first.

There was a guy in the center who was doing the talking and stuff. He said that he would go name by name and tell everyone who we are and what we should work on. The order was done on how long you’ve been at the temple.

It was slowly my turn. He told me I was a leader of the psionics. I darned to rise to the impossible and proved many wrong. I was stubborn and good. I should reach out to more psionics and try to bring more to the temple. I should keep helping newbies in my way. He sent me this private telepathy message saying that he wanted to speak to me at the end.

Nesta and I talked the rest of the time. It wasn’t rude or anything. She said that time was weird here. You could slow it down or speed it up greatly. So things at that meeting sped up and what seemed 5 minutes the meeting was nearly over. We were all asked to stand and sing. I had this song in my head and couldn’t help but sorta sing it. No one say the same song and yet it didn’t sound horrible. Nesta said that we were all singing the song that was stuck in our heads. I asked what if the song had curse words in it. She said they would be beeped out.

The meeting had ended and I and 30 or so others were asked to stay and move up to the front. I was picked first to be talked to. He pulled me over to the door that I came through. He said to go through with the surgery and keep testing Calmista. It was good for her.

PreSurgery
(it’s the same trip, but it should get a different section)

I meet Calmista in the main room. She lead me up to the third level by stairs. She took me to a healer’s room where this lady took me to room. I was asked to lie down in bed. So I got into my bed, oh did that feel good after sleeping in tents and motel rooms for over a week. I was told to get mostly undressed in real life. There could be no distraction in real life and they condsider clothes a distraction. Calmista sent a lot of energy through me in different ways. Then they raised my head so they could get to the back of it. They tried to get me into a deep sleep and I got close to sleeping, but never fell asleep. I had too much energy and couldn’t calm down. So I got bored after a while. Calmista sorta argued with me. I went the bathroom and drank some water and tried to get comfortable. Finally she asked if I wanted to just get it over with and start the surgery for real. I said yes. So she said to wait 5 minutes and calm down while she got a group of healers ready.

She lead me to this different room. Calmista wasn’t allowed to be in the room with me. I was asked to lie down. I was allowed only wear underwear in real life and none aply. More energy was sent and this time a bunch of people crowded around my head. They sorta pressed around me and I don’t remember what happened because I feel asleep. If I dreamed I don’t remember what and I woke up around 1am and then 6 am and finally my alarm woke me up at 7.

My head more or less doesn’t hurt. There seems to be a lot of energy in and around me. No overloads yet. I can’t gather energy, but I suppose that’s a bonus. I have to ap this afternoon if I can and then this evening for more healing.

[JediKaren]

Confused

I was sitting on my bed reading when Calmista asked me to ap to her room. I did, but would not speak. She lead me through some hallways to this room. The room looked like a living room with a low wooden table and two couches. She had me sit on one couch and she on the opposite side. I noticed I was wearing the clothes I was wearing in real life which was a green halter top and light blue shorts. She wanted me to feel more like myself.

She took my hands and started drawing this cat face that I love to draw with this dark blue marker on right hand. She then drew a heart on my other hand. I had no idea what this was about and said this was stupid. She used my quote about somethings seem stupid at the time, but aren’t later on.

I don’t know why, but I got really upset at her. I don’t understand anything these days and I’m getting restless with this healing. It’s boring having people send energy through you while you lie around. She kept saying “I know” over and over and it was driving me nuts. I didn’t understand why I was acting like this. I use to be so sure of myself and in control. I wanted something I could put my heart and soul into and trust it not to bite in the butt. She said that I’m maturing and in order to mature I have to get the immature part out of me. To want this solidness was immature. This really didn’t make a lot of sense and was just annoying me further. She offered to take me to the third level and to that one hallway that I’ve been thinking about for several days now.

At the entrance of the hallway she stopped. I wanted her to come. She said that if she came she would “bite my butt” as she quoted me. So I went in. The hallway was very brightly lit. There were doors and doors on each side of the hall with numbers. I first went to room 105. I opened the door and I saw a lot of wind, like a storm. I closed it and opened it again. Same thing. I then went to door 108 and the same thing happened. I saw at the end of this bright hallway was another darker hallway.

I walked over and saw that it was an interception of hallways. Each of them looked the same. I started suspecting something going on. I closed my eyes and sensed the place out. The only true door was in front of me. I opened my eyes and there was the door. I opened it and went in.

The room was very wide, but not very long. It was semi dark. There was this guy that I couldn’t really make out. He said that I was in the room of . Well I could understand the last word. I asked him what? He repeated it again and I still couldn’t understand him. He said that I wasn’t trained yet to understand, but I would.

I was told to sit down. He placed a candle in front of me and lit it with his finger. I said that was cool. He said that I could do that. I looked at him and told him I could barely move paper, not to mention flame. He said that I could and should. So I looked that the flame and started gathering psi. He told me not to. I asked him how was I suppose to move it if I couldn’t use psi? He said willpower.

I tried several times and found it hard not to gather psi. I tried to order to flame to move, but it wouldn’t. I said I couldn’t do this. He said that I wasn’t linking to it. So I’m not allowed to use psi to move t, but I have to use psi to sense it? Yep that’s it and really confusing. So I did feel it and then stopped my use of psi. I was still getting no where. I suddenly felt the flash of hot angry and found myself standing up with my hand on my lightsaber ready to use it. I caught myself. Wow how on earth did that happen? I got all worried and mad at myself for loosing control so fast. I sat down, but couldn’t calm down. There was too much energy in me. I was nearly shaking. He told me to focus my energy on the flame. I did and the flame jumped in height. I freaked and mentally backed away. I just used my anger as a source of energy, which is basically the darkside. He told me to control the flame. So using my energy and will, no anger or psi this time I forced the flame to not grow like that. As I did this my emotions calmed.
I didn’t understand how I did this. I was told that I was using a different energy. This was different from psi or the Force. The Force, wasn’t that the same as psi? No there was a difference and he said I knew it. I guess I sorta do, but I don’t know how to put it into words. It’s like the Force is for a much wider use and psi is for more of a focused use. I know that doesn’t make sense, but like I said, it’s hard to explain.

I was told I better go. He didn’t want me to get overloaded. How could I get overload with an energy I couldn’t even feel? He said this energy would effect psi. I left and went back to the entrance where I found Calmista waiting. I tried asking a question, but I gave up and stomped away, back to my body.

[JediKaren]

The Third Level, Trip 1
After over two long weeks of healing the back of my head, going through painful headaches and colds I am finally done and now at the third level.

Calmista was bugging me for over an hour by making the lights flicker while I was on the computer. At 10pm I went to “bed”, sat down on the floor and got ready to ap. I was told by her to ap to her room. I was unable to ap as well as I normally could. It was like I wasn’t all the way there and nothing felt very real. I could still see and hear, but I lost some of the feeling.

Calmista had the door open and had me sit on the bed. I noted someone was in her room, but she directed me to ignore him for the time being. She started out with how I’m going to the next level and it’s going to get much more serious. There will be no more child ness, no throwing fits, and no whinnying. I will be seeing less of her. She would show me how to get the next level the first few times, and that was it. Oh how that was horrible to hear. She wouldn’t hear any of it. It was kinda scaring seeing her so serious. She said that there was a time to be all caring and nice and there was a time to be serious. The third level would be about lightsaber training, learning patience, for once I’m not impatient to learn that, focus, therapy, any healing that needs be done, though she doesn’t think there should be any, and of course I have to face and deal with some sort of fear.

Lightsaber training is going to be a bit different. I’m now going to be training with many watching me and one will pick me as an apprentice.

I asked her how I was suppose to get to this next level. I thought we might go by stairs, but she said no. This level was as far as I was allowed to go. If I tried to go on I wouldn’t be allowed in any other hallway. The reason why I was allowed in the healer hallway was because she was there with me or she gave me permission to go there. To get to this new level I had to calm down and think about how much I wanted to be there.

It was hard at first, but I slowly starting saying to myself “I want to be a Jedi” “I want to be at the level so I can be a Jedi” and so on. My “view” of the world blacked out and then relit with me in a training room with mats and padded walls. I saw this person and mistaken them to be Calmista. She told me no and I felt her right behind me. The person turned out to be guy. He was tall, thin, and had a slightly dark face. Not color wise darkness, but mood wise. I think at that point Calmista left.

He started out with a lecture of once again how serious this is going to get. I will act like a Jedi. I will respect him at all times, which mean I also now have to start bowing to him. Something I’m not thrilled to do. He also said that I will not be babied, as I like to think is as, and will being touched with a lightsaber will hurt, but not harmed. He seemed almost disappointed, like he was going easy on me. I was quietly thinking the was not going to be easy. He pressed upon me several more times before we starting sparring that this would hurt and each touch should be treated like the real thing. He also demanded that I sit up straight in real life and kept straight.

He had me warm up by having me with my right hand twirl the lightsaber and do the same thing with the left. He had me get quicker and quicker with the movement until it was getting so fast I couldn’t think. He had me to various movements repeatly. He had me stop, gather psi and focus. We then starting fighting.

He had me only defend my body and he did the attacking. He was insanely fast and I could barely keep up with where he was. He did this dirty trick of doing the same movement over and over, so fast and I pretty much had to jump back to get out of it. He said anything goes. At one point he jumped over me and got me somewhat poed at him. I tried to attack him and he reminded me of the rules. Gee how on earth am I suppose to win if this guy is over my head better. Anyway my ability to ap was falling apart and I asked after we had stopped if I could just go to bed. He said yes. When I saw the clock I realized I had aped for 40 minutes, my longest session yet.

[JediKaren]

Trip 2
The ten minutes before I aped that night I had gotten this headache that was sucking all my energy out. I aped to Calmista unhappy knowing that I would have to go back to a healer. After two weeks of them I was looking forward to not seeing one for a long time. Calmista went nice on me and said she could heal it. She had me sit in her ‘puter chair. She put her hands on the back of my head and sent energy through.

She asked what I wanted to train in. I did and didn’t want to do lightsaber training. I wanted to do it, but I felt the need to prove myself, but I hadn’t practice much in real life and what I did do was incredibly sad. I could barely hold a cardboard tube with my left hand, not to mention twirl it. We decided to do meditation instead. To get to the room I had to do that “I want to be there” thing. Paul says it’s teleportation. I asked Calmista about it. She says aping is very closely related to this skill.

I found myself sitting on the floor of this small dark room. Calmista was right behind me. She had me relaxed and rubbed my shoulders. Ohhh did that feel good. She left and this guy in robes came in. He noted how calm I was.

He sat very close to me. A bit too close for my taste. He laid some little smooth rocks out between us. He had me study them with my eyes and senses. He had me focus my thoughts on the rocks and then let my thoughts go wild. He said the goal was to have my thoughts end up to the Force. They did. He said that was the flow of the Force. He asked me how the rocks and him are related. I tried to come up with different things like neither of them are alive, but the rock isn’t dead. I eventually came up with both of them have energy, but he exists because of energy in the rock. He needs that rock and that’s how they are related. That was correct answer! He said that was all for one night and I left. This session took about 36 minutes!

[JediKaren]

Trip 3
It had been a busy day. I had no time to practice any expect try to figure out my homework in the car: How am I connected to everything like the car, a desk, or even a pencil. Saying “oh well, see everything is just connected,” doesn’t work. I needed an actual reason. After arguing with a friend I realized the answer. My answer was kind of a kiddie answer, one that came from lack of understanding and experience. We all need energy to live. Since the Force/psi comes from living and non living things we all need things like cars and pets.

Right before it was time to go to bed the lights were flickering. I thought it was Calmista bugging me to for to bed. I ignored her until I was read for bed.

I sat down and relaxed myself, but there was a problem. I didn’t know where to ap to. Did those people know that I was about to ap? Could I just ap and hope they would direct me to where they wanted me? It would have to be a risk to take because I wasn’t going to Calmista and asking her.

I closed my eyes and thought in my head how I wanted to be trained and I wanted to be in a place wher I would be trained. I could feel my astral body leaving me and going somewhere. At first I saw only blackness, but I could feel someone near me. I could tell it was a guy. I used tri locating to see myself and they guy. He was controlling my ability to see as he explained. As we talked I could slowly see the room. It was small and dark. The guy knew that I had a busy day and he was the one behind the lights acting up. Calmista had warn me the day before the others would be visiting me in real life. He understood that I had not taken her seriously and now I knew better. He told me that I wasn’t in a lightsaber training room because I hadn’t had a chance to practice my skills.

He started out reviewing things I already knew, mostly quoting the Star Wars movies. He asked me to gather psi. I did, but as I did so I felt dizzy. I asked why that was. He said that I was creating a disturbance. I was resisting the flow of the force. I stopped gathering and opened myself to allow psi to enter. The dizzy feeling went away. He then explained why and what I had done.

As we all know psi is huge, vast and powerful beyond the human mind. The Force can be thought as an ocean with currents, tides and rivers flowing in and out of this ocean. For most part, people exist in the largest, deepest par of this ocean. They are hardly aware of where they are, like they do in real life. There are other that are instinctly attracted by the pull of the current and we call them psions.

When a new psion gathers energy they are facing the flow of energy. It would be like if you stood still in a river and gathered water by letting the water flow into the bucket. Come of the water goes into the bucket, but most of the water has to go around you and your bucket. This creates a disturbance in the river. A newbie can’t gather much energy and therefore can’t create much of a disturbance which is why they don’t feel any dizziness. The stronger you are, the more of disturbance you make.

The funny part is as we get stronger we realize how bug psi is. As we get stronger we travel along the ocean. The is ocean grows more narrow and at some point it will start to break off into river and streams. You can travel these streams. You can, if advance enough, create and control where these rivers go to.

This guy had directed one stream of psi at me. I could now feel it. He then had me take psi from the current and direct it at him. I looked at him and then sensed where he was in this whole ocean plane. He was underneath me. I tired to send psi at him, but my own little psi stream would died before getting close to him. After many attempts, he had me stop image him, and send psi to that image. It worked. He stopped the lesson, but asked that I focus on how the force effects everyone and notice how it flows through crowds and different people. I later realized he showed me, in a different light, how to link.

[JediKaren]

Trip 4

Life has now entered a crazy place of deadlines to barely make, college papers to write, panic to feel, and pressure from the parents and school. Last night was the start of a lot of screaming, yelling, fear, and anger. The parents said I wasn’t panicking enough and my response was staring out the window trying as hard as possible to stop the tears from falling. In case I wasn’t under enough pressure there was some guide in my room urging me to ap. I didn’t want to ap in this weak state. I hadn’t done my psi homework and I just wasn’t in the mood. The guy kept coming up with reasons why I should and eventually won the argument.

It was hard to ap there because my heart wasn’t truly in this. Yes, I wanted the training, but for this night I was only doing this for the guy. I found myself in a classroom full of desks for the students and one for the teacher. The guy was standing next to his desk. He was young and tall and that’s all that stands out in my mind.

We started out the class with me asking a question: what are tides of the Force? He said tides of the Force come in many sizes. There are local tides which effect you and your immediate family. There are much bigger ones that can effect your community, country or even world. Tides can bring positive or negative energy. Although this does not always coordinate the same way usually positive tides brings good things and negative tides brings bad fortuntions. Tides aren’t suppose to be seen as a way to foresee the future.

He then went on to streams of psi. these streams of psi have been created with a goal in mind. They direct a person to act a certain way. A good example of this would be how I got interested in Star Wars. We first have to go back 8 or less years.

I had a friend name Clair who was about 6 or so. She had invited me over to her house to play with her. I came over, thinking nothing of it at time, not knowing my life would be greatly changed after this trip. When I came over her mom was watching a movie and Claire was sort of watching bits and pieces. The movie was ep 5 The Empire Strikes Back. There was one scene with Darth Vader talking and Claire asked me why was this guy evil. Although I had seen the movie when I was little I hadn’t memorized it nor really understood anything. I didn’t know who Darth Vader was, but I could clearly see he was a bad guy and was evil. Claire was convinced that I was older and had to know everything. So I had to come up with a reason. I said that he was under a spell. Lol, in a way I was right, but at the time I somehow knew that wasn’t right and I looked at Claire’s mom to see if she knew the answer, but she was too much into the movie to be listening. I went home that day with a urge to find the movie and find the right answer. I fell in love with the movies and watched them over and over until all the lines had been drilled into my head.

I have always suspected that someone had been behind me watching those movies. It was too well planned to just happen as far as I was considered. I now know that Calmista had been involved. She had created a stream of energy to send to me and with hope, send me to that house and that question asked.

The guide now wanted me to create my own stream to do something with. He first had me think of something to send this stream too. The first thing that came into my mind was my cat. He didn’t love my choice, but he went along. He then had me come up with a reason for this stream to be sent to the cat. I said I wanted the cat to come to me. He asked why. I said that I wanted the cat to come to purr and comfort me. He excepted this reason. I was asked to link to the cat. I barely did. I then had to take psi around me and to send it at the cat. I also had to think about the cat coming to me. The truth is I was still upset over college and my heart wasn’t really into practicing. My attempt was so weak that even he didn’t try to get me to work harder. He said that at least I knew how. He stopped the lesson for that night. No homework was assigned, but I know what I have to practice.