My log, Aping

[JediKaren]

A Council Visit
I gave this guy, named StoneWolf on UL my training log. He wanted to know know more about Jedi and how to be one. He in a private message that he was on page 38 and he loved it. He hinted for the second time that he really wanted me to train him. I responded to him and said I wasn’t sure if I was ready to teach, but the idea was growing on me. So far in my many attempts to train a psionic I keep getting the wrong time. My strengths lie in empathy and such and the newbies I get want to focus, or have talent in use psi to control things. So it ends up I can’t teach them. Also I’ve never really had a lesson plan. I know for the real newbies you teach them how to feel energy, and then gather it within themselves, and then teach them to use outside of their body energy. But that can be boring and they want to skip all that and get to the exciting stuff. What they don’t realize they can’t do the exciting skills until they can do the basics. It’s like wanting to run when you can’t even stand on your feet. You will fall every single time.

I aped to the first floor and found myself walking through the chamber with the pillars. I stopped outside of the doors and wondered where I was suppose to go. I wasn’t sure how the apprentice thing worked. Did I have to get permission from someone? I first wanted to go ask Calmista, but I felt she wouldn’t have enough power to make that decision. I looked at both hallways and felt the left one calling me. I remembered at the end of that hallway was where the council was. I wondered for a minute if I should go to them and ask if I could train someone. I didn’t want to come uninvited, but then again they probably knew I was coming. I started walking towards the room and paused. I was scared. I forced that out of me, telling myself there is nothing to be afraid of. I have been to higher councils and haven’t gone in my pants. I kept going.

I opened the door and saw that the room was dark, that or I couldn’t see. I half stumbled to this circle of chairs. I sensed two people come and take me to a chair. They had bound my hands behind my back. I didn’t understand why they did, nor did I like it. They said to stay and they would be coming. I think the “they” part meant the council. In less than a minute, I felt and half rved people walking past me. They gathered around me and then sat down. I took a moment to blank my mind out of all thoughts.

I asked them why my hands were tied. They didn’t say anything. I kept on saying there were two reasons why they would do this. One was they thought I was dangerous and I explained to them just because I had a lightsaber, doesn’t mean I’m going to use it. The second reason was they were going to get me so angry it was best to keep me from harming anyone. I told them that I wasn’t having any anger problems of late. I just came here… I paused for a second. I didn’t want to tell them that I came here to ask them for permission so I said I came there because I felt I was being called. Someone commented on the fact that I came here for another reason. The tiniest blush came and I said yes. I wanted to know if I could train someone in the ways of the Jedi.

Instead of a simple yes or no they started questioning me. I tried very hard to answer as politely and intelligently as possible. What made this hard as I couldn’t think what I was going to say ahead of time because they could read my thoughts. So the answers came out a little plain and blunt. They wanted to know if I thought I could train someone. I reached down in me for the answer and found it to be yes. They asked did I want to train someone and I said yes, of course. I would not go to the trouble to make my own site, answer hundreds of newbie questions and a member of a ton of sites if I did not want to teach. They asked several more questions and finally said that if I would get information from this guy I could report back to them. I’m gathering that after I asked StoneWolf questions and come back to report I’ll get my answer.

They dismissed me and I walked down the hallway thinking about what had just happened. I stopped aping and went to bed to think more about what I was going to ask. I decided that I would just as general questions and if I should get an ok from the council I would ask another series of questions to decided if this was the guy I wanted to train or not. If not I had a few people in mind that might do.

[JediKaren]

A Warning
I sat down to ap. At first I did nothing and found that I could not feel my room. It felt like I was in my own little space that had nothing in it, like a void. It was very calming and I wondered how I could achieve this state again. A few minutes went by and I felt hot so I aped outside of my house to cool off in the winter air. I hadn’t aped in this plane for a very long time. I decided to take a walk and head for the park. I went through the tennis court and went down the path that leads to the stream. I leaped over the stepping stone for fun and went left.
I keep going to the wood and stopped at the bamboo forest. I crossed the tiny stream and walked pass the two big trees that remind me of a gate to something important and beautiful. My walk ended at the banks of the stream, where Calmista calmed me down after my dad had punched me. I also remembered how my friend Amy and I had discovered this hidden area when we saw the bamboo forest was half dying and much of the bamboo had fallen over dead. It crossed my mind Calmista had something to do with this and somehow lead Amy (she was exploring) to the spot by the river.
I was starting to kneel down when I saw Calmista standing there and got up. I said that this was a weird place to meet. She said that my future had picked it. That was a little over my head so I sort of ignored it. I asked why she was here. She said she had something to show me and warn me about. I paled a little at the mention of warning me.
She asked me to look at the stream. I did and saw it was just a stream. She said that the stream was the current of energy and we float in the middle of the current. I nodded, knowing this already. She went on about how psionics are just people are realize they are in the stream. I knew this and kept quiet. She then said that someone I knew would try to go to the edge of the stream, trying to find how wide the stream is. I imaged someone cutting the stream at an angle. Calmista said that they would not a big enough disturbance in the stream for them to notice it, but it would create a problem after a while. She said that I should find this person and try to help them. With this she disappeared on me.
I kicked the sandy ground in a bit of angry and wondered who was this person. For some reason I picked a guy doing this, but she didn’t mention it had to be a guy. I wondered how I was suppose to stop this person. I thought about sending a stream of energy to bring them back in the middle. My last thought before leaving the spot and returning to my body was should I post this or not. At first I didn’t want to, but then I realized that this may be a warning to them, and maybe could stop them.

[JediKaren]

Overloading
I received Lord of the Rings for my birthday and spend the last few days watching the movies. Then it came time to ap. At first I didn’t know what I would do at the temple because StoneWolf hadn’t responded to my questions, so I couldn’t report anything yet.
I walked through the main room, up the stairs and to the 8th or so level. I wasn’t sure why I went this far. I just felt the need to go up, past anywhere I was going. I didn’t even know where I was going or why. It wasn’t like there was anyone to stop me and there wasn’t any reason why I couldn’t go.
I opened the door and found myself in a small, stone room that was completely empty. There was a long window at the end of the room. I walked over to the window and look out. What I was saw was land. There was a plain with grass, bushes, and trees. In the distance I saw blue misty mountains. I stared at this beautify land for quite a while and turned back to the room. On the wall to my left there was a door that wasn’t there when I first entered. I opened the door and walked through.
The room was made out of the same stone and in the same style. I sat down in the middle of the room. I closed my eyes and focused on gathering energy. At first all I was gathering was psi and I was gradually increasing the amount. I really had no plan in mind of what I was doing. I was just playing around with energy. I was wondering how I could gather more energy when I remembered the sun’s energy is very focuses and very intense. I pictured the sun and focused on the burning hot flames coming out of the sun. I could feel the energy poor into me. I soon became filled with energy. The energy quickly became too much and I could feel myself begin to grow weak and loose control. I forced control over myself and could just barely manage not to pass out and stay calm.
At some point in time I ended the session and went back to bed. It took less that two minutes for a sharp pain to rise in the back on my head. Calmista then told me to lie down and go to sleep. I felt her go into my head and try to do something. I didn’t like it and kept wiggling around in the bed every time she tried it. She told me to stop it and stop fighting. I claimed control over myself and soon fell asleep.
The next day I was fine up until the last class of school. A headache had formed again. I came home and was on my bed, still having a headache. Calmista came again and told me to take a nap. I told her my parents wouldn’t allow it. She said not to worry about it. I asked her what was going on. She said I was overloaded. I tried to play that down by saying I just gathered a bit of energy. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. She reminded me that she had said a while ago to never gather the sun’s energy without someone there. I blushed at that. It was true. I had forgotten about that. I said that I was sorry and sighed. We went on silently talking. We were talking about me and my family and how it’s tough to live like the way I do. She told me that it was too late for my mother. The guides and healers could not reach her due to the fact my mother honestly did not believe in god or any religion. I argued that I didn’t believe in god either. Calmista said that deep down I am open to the fact that he could exist and therefore I would believe in him. It helps that I am a very open person. As we talked my headache went away and I fell asleep. True to her word, my parents let me sleep. I was fine when I woke up.

[JediKaren]

The Council Again
StoneWolf had finally answered my questions that I had sent him. It took him long enough. I was starting to wonder if he was going to be busy like this all the time and if this was worth it. While I had asked very general questions I asked that he give me details. His answers were general, bland, and sounded like out of the book. There was very little personal about his life and himself. It almost sounded like he didn’t put any thought into his answers and just rushed them. I wasn’t very happy and was having second thoughts about training him.

I went to the temple to report this and hear the council’s decision. I still find myself getting nervous right before I sit down and ap. I still find it nerve racking to stand in front of powerful people on my own and have to talk to them. I went to the main room and was about to go the door when I sensed and saw out of the corner of my vision, a man next to me. I turned to my right and looked at him. He was very tall and looked like the guard at the door, only he wasn’t the guard, because I could see the guard at his post.

The man said that he would take me to the council. I wondered why he had to take me there when I knew where they were. He walked across the room and I followed him feeling very small next to him. Instead of taking the normal left hallway he went right and two doors down. He opened the door and I went in.

The room was square and only had chairs placed in a circle with people sitting in them. I stared at the group before remembering to blank my mind. The head man gestured to me to sit in a vacant chair in the circle. I sat on down on the edge of the chair with a straight back and feeling very out of place.

I was nudged into explaining what StoneWolf had said. I was asked what I thought about his response. I talked about how his answers weren’t personal enough and I didn’t know him. The leader suggested that I demand a better response. I was taken back with this and thought that was rude. I don’t like demanding anything and being a I know it all teacher who can do whatever they want and the student as to do it all. I also don’t like to make people beg me to do something for them. The man said that I was the teacher and could demand what I wanted.

This suggestion made me remember Craig and this is how he acts. I didn’t want to be like him and said so. The leader said that I knew better then Craig and wouldn’t make the same mistake again. I wondered why I had to go through all this when their answer was clearly yes, if I wanted to train him. The man said that I tended to rush these things processes and they want to teach me to do research and learn to wait. I am too soft on students and shouldn’t give myself away to them. With this I thanked him and the council and left.

[JediKaren]

Breaking In
If you have ever read the book Black Beauty or seen the movie (I haven’t seen the movie) you will know what breaking in is. Breaking in a horse means to teach the horse how to wear a saddle, bite and other horse riding gear. There are really two ways of breaking in a horse and each will bring out a different type of horse
The first one is the rough quick way. You take the colt as soon as it’s weaned. You corner the young horse and all hands are used to over power the poor fright beast. You force a bite and halter on and drag the horse out of the corner. You give the horse no time to understand what is going on and make it want to kick and bite. The horse, if this rough treatment is kept on, will grow up to be rough, ill spirited and tempered. In other words, a ruined horse.
There is another way of breaking in a colt. It is the slow and patient way. You go step by step, rewarding the horse for good behavior. You put one thing on the horse each day and speak to the creature with kind words. You give the colt no reason to want to kick or bite. You show no expectation of the horse rebelling. The colt will grow up kind and well behaved and willing to do it’s work.
In many ways I was broken in the first way. It first started when I was 14. My parents had been through one teenager, my brother and knew what to expect, but I didn’t. My parents said I was going to turn into the “teen age monster.” This was the worse thing they would of said because it was already setting the bar. They gave me little freedom and only punished me for doing things wrong and rarely praised me. I rebelled ever chance I got and didn’t think about the future and what I was doing. I just had to show them that they couldn’t control me. I was a growing teen, with growing powers that I did not understand what they were or how to control them. My powers had a tendency to go wild on me at the worse times. I learned to shut myself off from people. People were rude with their thoughts and emotions. People caused me pain. I found out that if you stay away from people you don’t feel pain. It’s primal but it kept me alive and working.
Then Calmista came to me in a time of a crisis even though in the big picture my life had settled down quite a bit and I was starting to settle down. Then a little bit she brought to the temple to start taming me and opening me up. She went slowing and calmly and rarely punished me for bad behavior. It’s been six months now, but I feel that she has calmed down my wild spirit and directed it to a safe direction. During my rough, hard time I often thought if I were treated with kindness I might soften and open and heal.

[JediKaren]

The Laws of Laws
It wasn’t so much that I spent the day angry, it was more like I felt very rebellious and feisty. I role played attacked Xan and gave him all the anger I could. It really didn’t help. I felt that I was suppose to ap to the temple to train and when I got there I found myself kneeling on a matted floor. I looked up and saw a wall wide mirror. The words “sparring room” came to mind. Near a corner I saw a man standing there silent. I said hello to him. He said hello back. I knew we were going to fight each other and started getting out my lightsaber. He stopped me and said no lightsaber. It dawned on me he wanted to go hand to hand, foot to foot fighting. I refused to fight. I like watching in movies people fighting like this, but I don’t care for it. I prefer lightsaber fighting because it’s more of a dance with sticks than fighting. At lease it should be in my mind. I understand that lightsabers are deadly weapons and fighting hand to hand can be less deadly if you don’t know what you are doing. The man countered me with you can kill someone with a lightsaber if you mess up and with fighting hand to hand it’s much harder.
I still wouldn’t fight and was very close to walking out on this. The guy asked that I least just practice on the punching bag. I gave in but I couldn’t get myself to start. All the angry and energy I had before drained away. The guy suggested that I pictured my dad being there after he had just hit me. I paled and turned to look at him. I asked him if he knew about that time my dad punched me in the ear. He said that. That got to me. Random people at the temple should not be able to know all my private history.
Even so, when I pictured my dad being tied up and half foaming with anger I couldn’t do it. I went soft. I guess deep down I really do love my father despite all my cursing about him. I finally got myself to get a small, weak hit at the bag. I looked at the mirror and burst out both aply and in real life laughing. I forced myself to focus and do it again with a bit more energy. He asked me to use both hands for I was favoring my right. When I was getting the hang of it he had me stop and wanted me to attack him. Once again I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hurt him. He repeatly said “attack me”. He was trying to get me angry and I was too well trained for that. I ended up taking a few hits at him, at the chest. He easily blocked them and threw them to the side. My fist hit his lower arm and I said ouch. It was like hitting a wall. It really didn’t hurt in real life, but I knew it should of.
He switched on me and attacked me. His attacks did hurt in real life. I could feel the pain in my arm when he hit me. I tried to duck and finally ran for the door. He was too good for me and I really really didn’t want to attack him or hurt him. He was faster than me and got to the door first. We talked slightly. He was trying to get me attack and I was trying to figure out a way past him. I don’t remember how but I got the door open, closed it behind me and ran left and found myself in a dead end. I had enough time to say “there’s always a dead end when you don’t need it”. The guy was in coming. I slipped by him and ran for my life for he was angry and looked like he might kill me. Looking back I guess he won’t kill me, but in the moment things were tense and I wasn’t think. I ran through the hallways taking turns at random. At the end of one hallway was a door. I opened it, ran in, closed it and panted.
I couldn’t see the room very well at first. I could make out that it was a classroom. There were many rows of desks and at the back of the room in the middle was a large teacher’s desk with a person sitting behind it. I came up closer to the desk, staying to the left. I could see it was an old man. He was busy writing something and took no notice of me. He finally looked up and asked me to hold on for one minute. I did so, being quiet and still and went to a desk. There was a book inside. I took it out and opened to the back. There were definitions like you find in a text book at school. All of the terms started with “Law of”. I looked through the J and saw Law of Jedi. For some troubling reason I couldn’t read what it say the law was.
He finished his work and looked at me again. We greeted each other and for some unknown reason I felt the need to call him “sir”. I have never called anyone this in my life, but I felt this man was very important and had deserved the title. What was stranger is I didn’t know this man and yet I knew he was important.
He saw that the book was open and noted it. He said that I was in the Laws of Laws class. I didn’t have a clue to what he was talking about. He explained that everything has a law. Humans feel the need to make everything official and by point Law of, we make it official. We talked some more about the different laws there were. He knew I couldn’t read the text and said that it was ok. I was not blind and I shouldn’t worry. I was relieved when he said that. I told him I had to go to bed. He invited me to come back sometime. I said that I didn’t know where I was. He said just think about the room of Laws and I could get there. I left feeling guilty that I ran from fighting and confused about this whole laws thing.

[JediKaren]

Attacked
I had spent the whole day slightly worried wondering what Calmista was going to say and do when she heard I wouldn’t fight. I tired to calm my fears with the hope the Calmista would understand me. But knowing her, she could make me fight her all the same.

Aside from that deep down fear I was rather calm and at peace. It was a Sunday and my parents were being lazy. My parents wanted me to rest and get over the never ending cough I had. So I spent the day on the computer and painted with my water colors. At three o’ clock Xan came on msn. I made a big deal over the point that I was extremely calm and kept quiet about the night before. He stubbornly refuses to believe in aping, saying that it’s not a Jedi activity, so I wasn’t going to bring it up. I asked if we could move on with this training. I wasn’t really expecting him to say yes, because I felt this was just a temporary peace and he would know that. To my surprise he said yes. He said that I had shown mastery over my control and focus and had announced me as a Jedi Knight. While I didn’t say duh, I knew that, I was very tempted to. He said that I could work on my abilities now and had me list some of them that needed working on. We talked about telepathy, mind control, controlling my breathing, and shielding. He stressed projection myself and using these skills for the right reasons. I knew all this, but kept quiet. As a favor to for him I started role playing a new character on his site and gave him tips on how to increase activity.

Right before bed I was cleaning my room. I had turned on my cd player and to the song I wanted to listen to, but did not tell the cd player to play the song yet. I was bending down, picking something up when the cd player started playing. I stood up and stared. I said something along the lines of I didn’t do it. I took this weird act as a clue to start dancing and showing off because some spirit had turned on that cd player.

I stood at my window a bit later on to get myself ready to ap. My cat came in and I picked him up to take him out of the room. He started purring as loud as he could and I couldn’t do it. The cat was Spooky of course and that meant Calmista had sent him. I put down the cat and sat down on the floor next to him. Spooky settled down by my feet to take a bath. I closed my eyes and went to Calmista’s room to face whatever was going to happen. I knocked at her door and was let in. I was abnormally quiet. She broke my silence with telling me she knew all about the night before.

She was the one who had sent me to the sparring room. She thought I needed to fight and would like it. She had thought I would like it. She had thought wrong and said I was in no trouble. I asked if I was menat to go to the room of Laws. She said she had not sent me and I came there on my own.

I was now more open and we talked about Xan knighting me. I asked about the cd player. She smiled and said wait and see. I didn’t like the answer, but there was nothing I could do or say to change that. There was a moment of silence and I found myself growing sleepy. I accused her of doing this. Calmista didn’t deny it and suggested to me to go to bed. I did what she said.

Once I was in bed I felt the need to do something more. I aped back to her room and told her so. We were discussing what I should do when I wondered off into day dreaming. For a few seconds I was vaguely aware of a presence coming at me. Before I could think about getting a shield up I was mentally getting attacked. I rushed up the strongest shield I could manage. I held the attacker at bay and cursed them out. They seemed to withdraw mostly out of my head. I didn’t lower my shield because I felt they hadn’t totally left.

The attacker came back and this time I was ready. My shield was only protecting the side I was getting attacked, leaving the back of my head open for attack. The attacker went for the weak side and I found myself loosing the battle. I went for the last ditch defense which is cursing out the attacker to make myself seem tougher that I really was. I also would refuse to do anything they wanted.

The attacker was a man and was calm and strong in voice. He told me over and over to be quiet, to calm down and listen to him. I consider attacking and conquering my mind an incredibly serious offense. I refused to do what he wanted and demanded to know why he was doing this and for him to leave me alone.

He said he was the one who had messed with the cd player. That quieted me down, but I was still angry with him. He said that he was an important Jedi. I named all the important Jedi I knew and he was none of them. He asked if he should get Calmista and I said sure. As soon as he said that I realized I could not win this, but it was too late to back down. Calmista came, listened to my whining and complaints and told me to do what he wanted. I sighed in defeat, laid on my back and waited for him to speak.

He told me to stop the cursing and not to interrupt him. He was here to warn me about the future. I told him guides aren’t suppose to tell people their future. He said that this was ok. I asked if the council knew about him telling me this. He said no, but guides don’t always need permission to tell certain things.

He had me feel my mark in a way that if I could see it , it would have been glowing. He explained there was danger in my future and when the mark felt like this it was a sigh of danger was near. That was all he had to say and I felt him leaver my head before I could say anything. I rolled over on to my side and went to sleep soon after.

[JediKaren]

Joe
I had woken up in the middle of the night because we were have very strong winds and my semi drunk mother had just gone to bed. I had fallen asleep around 8pm due to lack of sleep the night before and was now wide awake. I crept to my computer and got online. To my surprise, but not necessarily to my joy Yarvin was on and imed me. I had given up all hope for him, seeing that he hadn’t talked to me for months and he role playing site had died for the third time. We talked for a while about Lilly, Xan, his site, the weather and so on. He wanted me to join his site again, but I plain out refused. He shows no signs of getting serious about being a manager and keeping his site active and I’m sick of waiting for him to post all the time. He seemed to get that through his head and bummed out on me and wouldn’t talk.

Once he had gotten off Joe started talking to me. I told him that Calmista had told me right before I fell asleep that she wanted me to go to the council and report on what was going on. I really didn’t want to go back. Joe said that I better get it over. He then offered to go with me. I thought about it and decided maybe it would work. I didn’t think it would because so far LoneWolf and I can’t get our stories of what happened to match. I warned Joe of several things.

I went to my room and into my bed because it was so cold in my house. I tried to ap, but I wasn’t doing it very well and resigned myself to being cold on the floor. Once I sat down on the floor I could ap much better. I went to the main room and waited for Joe to come. I was really nervous about this whole thing. Joe appeared at the door. He looked like a normal teen age kid. He asked if I was ready and I said yes even though I felt everything else.

We went through the doorway and went right. I was slightly startled that we didn’t go left and down the hall, but Joe seemed to know where the council was, so I followed his lead. It felt so weird to be around someone my own age and someone who I knew in real life. We got to the door and I chickened out right as he had opened the door. I said I couldn’t do this. He said that I would be fine. I could feel the council call us in and I forced myself to get together and act like the Jedi I was. I went in the room first and Joe closed the door.

The council was sitting in chairs in a circle. They asked me to stand in the middle, but have Joe standing there. I went to the center and couldn’t stand still. Someone from the council asked me to calm down and I really did try, but it did little good. They asked me if I knew which one I was going to pick.

I had come to the council because I had offered on UL to train someone as a Jedi. I had gotten over 6 people asking for them to be picked. I asked them each seven questions and decided what I felt with them. If they made it to the top three I asked them one more question to really get a feel for who they were. I had spent that whole day talking with people, trying to decide who the best was.

The council seemed to know all of this and I spent a second trying to comprehend all that. I told them I still didn’t know. They asked if I would train all three and I said no. This is my first time really training someone in this way and I wanted this as simple as possible. I was then asked if I could pick just one and not worry about anything, who would it be. I went through the three names and their pros and cons and still couldn’t decided. I could get it down to two, but I still felt guilty for leaving out the third. The council then suggested I train two of them. I said that would be too much and I didn’t know how to do two. They said that they would help me. So we went into argument over who would get kick out and why.

Sometime during this talk, they asked Joe to leave the room and I slightly relaxed a bit more. At the end of this argument, which was getting me annoyed there appeared a dark circle/ball. I could literally feel it and saw it float to the ground and there appeared Joe again. This time he was dressed up as some sort of medieval knight with leather on and chain mail. There was a second where I was staring at Joe and the council was looking at us. Then the council disappeared, leaving the room very empty. I went over to a wall and started kicking it out of frustration and embarrassment. Joe said that he didn’t know I could do that. I turned and, smiled and got out my lightsaber and turned it on. I said that I could do a lot of things. It then dawned on me we were in a room alone and I said that we better leave. He asked why and I said just because.

We were standing in front of the room and I was about to take Joe to Calmista when I sensed a presence right in front of my face. I stopped and told Joe I sensed something. I turned around trying to figure out who it was. Joe asked me what and I said I didn’t know. I called out Calmista, but there was no reply. I forget what Joe said, but he said something to anger my already tense nerves and I kicked him. We then processed to walk up the staircase to the second floor.

The door to the second floor was unlocked to my relief and we went in. I stood there trying to figure out where Calmista’s room was. I normally don’t go this was and it looked weird. Joe joked I should follow the bread crumbs, but I was being serious. He mentioned I should just teleport myself, but I didn’t know how. Then I remember that all I had to do was feel where Calmista was and follow the feeling until I found her. I told Joe to follow me. We got to the door and I knocked.

Calmista stuck her head out and looked at us. She then invited us in her room. I was sticking close to the door, but Joe had gone near the bed. I introduced Joe to Calmista and both said hi to each other. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence (for me at least) and Calmista brought up what the council was talking about. She offered to help me out if I decided to take two. Calmista then told both of us to sit on the bed. We talked a bit and both Joe and I wondered if this was really happening and was it real, would our stories match? I said that I had to go to bed. Joe offered to put me asleep and I checked with Calmista to make sure she was ok with this. I said that I would have to visit Joe’s group of people at the temple if this really was happening. I then left.

I went back to bed, cold as anything, but excited. I stayed there for about a minute and went for the computer. I had to know if this really worked. I got online and Joe asked me if I had just stopped aping two minutes ago. I said yes and we started comparing stories. It turns out Joe can’t see in the temple, but is great at sensing things. I know that if you are really good at sensing everything around you, you might as well be able to see, but you really can’t tell the difference. I also had the better memory and could remember the details while Joe only remembered the basics. We discovered both of us had a hard time hearing what each other was saying which was true during the ap trip. Finally around 6am I went back to bed.

[JediKaren]

Becoming a Teacher
Although I didn’t ap last night I had aped that morning. I didn’t ap that night because I felt that I had something more important and much more tiring. I had become a Master. From what I could tell from the books and movies a knight becomes a master when they take a padawan.
I had been talking and arguing with lots of people about who should I pick. Finally I made myself just pick two. Those two were Ascendant and Sublime. My reasons? Well Ascendant was the most mature of anyone who asked to be trained. I am counting on that being more mature will make my life easier. Sublime’s answers to all my questions seemed to be so innocent and straight from the heart that I felt it would be a crime not to take him. There was one other that was in third place and for privacy sake’s I won’t say who.
It was in the evening when I made this decision. I posted it on UL and waited for the two apprentices to get on and see the news. Once they thanks me I gave them homework. I asked them to do research on energy and write some type of report about it.
The next day I did my first lesson with them. This was nothing new. I had tried a few times in the past to train a few people as psionics and had taught one or two skills to fifty or so newbies. What made this different was I was teaching about the Force, something I had never done before. It was a test in my ability and knowledge of the Force. Ascendant was on msn so I taught him first. I talked about the there are different energies and how some are stronger than others. I compared psi to the Force and had him gather both and describe the difference in what he saw.
Because my dad owns the computer and I’m only barrowing it, I can’t save any of my conversations on msn. This meant everything I told him I had to ask him for the conversation. When I asked him, he said that he didn’t save it. I gave up and starting typing it up again and refined it. I sent it off to Sublime.
It feels very strange to be doing this. I can hardly believe in six months I have gone from apprentice, to knight to master and I’m only 19. It feels so unreal and yet I know it’s all happening and it’s all real. I know I must be setting and creating records. I’m excited and nervous about all of this.

[JediKaren]

Sith
I am being watched all the time. I don’t know exactly who, but I know they must be from the temple and I know why. Please from the temple are questioning me. They want to know who I am and where I am heading. I know they want to to know if I’m strong enough to teach. All I can say to that is I sure hope I am.
This isn’t the first tiem this has happened. Five and half years go when I made the choice to start this path I went through the same feeling I’m feeling now. Back then I knew most of the people watching me didn’t’ approve of me. They didn’t think I could make it. I didn’t know about spirits or even the temple. I did know about the Jedi temple for ep 1 had come out a year before. My impressions of the Jedi temple were mixed. I felt the need to go through the training to show all these people that doubted me.
I had a slight paninc attack yesterday after I had taught both my of students their first lesson. I didn’t know what next to teach. There were a lot of things I wanted to teach, but I couldn’t decide on the order to teach them. I want this training to go as smoothly as possible I made myself sit down and write down what I wanted to get across and then put them in order. I came up with nineteen things to teach and I have a feeling that I will have a lot more before I’m done. I am trying to mix psionics with Jedi. It’s hard not to go too far one way. Also the only weakness in this training is I can only teach what I know and I don’t know everything there is to know about the Jedi and psionics. Maybe I can use that to my advantage.
Bedtime came and I sat down on the floor only to go to my bed in a few minutes. I was worried that my dad would check on, even though he hasn’t done that for years and years, and catch me out of bed. Once comfortable, but not to the point that I could sleep I tried to ap to Calmista’s rooms. There was a voice in my head that I did not recognize, telling me I couldn’t go to the temple, I wasn’t ready. For some reason I was very highly alert of people playing games with me and ignored the voice. I knocked on Calmista’s door and nothing happened. I knocked and once again I only heard and sensed silence. I tried the door knob and found it unlocked. I opened the door and went into the empty room. I sensed something behind me and turned around. Standing in front of me was a horrible ugly person. I didn’t get a very good look of this person, but it wasn’t human. I was doubting the reality of this ap and opened my eyes.
I laid on my bed wondering what was going on and decided to go to the main room. I went there and sat down. My head was buzzing and I tried to meditate to clear it out. I had done this for less than a minute when a man walked up to me. He lifted my chin with his hand so I was looking at his face. He had this strange smile that set off warning bells. He asked me to follow him. The man took me down stairs. I told him I didn’t want to go through any more tests. He said this wasn’t a test. He lead me to the room with all the jail cells where my trial for knighthood took place. Instead of going down the hall he went for the back and into another dark hall. We walked into a room was semi lit with a very long table with a white long table clothe laid on it.
He told me to lie down on it. I obeyed, but asked why was I doing this. He said that I was going to go through surgery. The bells were really going off in my head and I got up. This man was evil and I was now in danger. I drew my lightsaber and turned it on. He took had a lightsaber and started attacking me. I allowed him to attack me and over powering me. I once came up with a plan for a battle with lightsabers that involved playing weak and making the other person get overly confidite and when they think they’ve won go all out on them.
The plane was working well. He was cursing me out, trying to anger me, but it did no good. I was now in Jedi mode and nothing could reach me unless I wanted it to. I’m not sure how, but the battle traveled to near the staircase. I warned him to back down. He refused. I gave him once last chance and then sliced his hands on. The strange thing was he didn’t scream or show any sign of pain. He was out raged at what I had done. I was fairly calm, not grossed out by what I had done, not filled with hate or sarrow. Nither of us were acting the way we should of. He told me this was a mistake and his hands grew back. I quickly cut them off, which was no good and he grew them back again. I knew this would never end so I ran down the hallway and took the same path I did during the test.
My flee ended at the greenhouse where a Jedi knight was standing. I was weary of her, but she told me that she wasn’t a sith. She said that she wanted me to do something. She explained it to me and because of it’s nature I can’t speak of it. All I can say is that the council has ordered me to do this.
I went upstairs again and stared down the hallway to the usual council room that was at the end of the hall. I felt that I was being called and walked to there. I went into the room and found the head council member there. He asked me to come to him. I don’t want to say that I went shy, but I suddenly went on from Jedi to proper, goody good student. I asked about the sith like guy and asked what would of happened had I kept obeying. The leader told me that horrible things would of happened. I was glad that I had escaped. The council member asked he to settle down in real life and lay down on this table that was in the room. I did as told, with no bells going off. The man gently message me and I fell asleep soon after.

[JediKaren]

If you've been wondering why I don't post it's not because I'm not aping or training. It's true that I fell into deep depression for over a month and went off and on with training. I'm now back with a new log started. This log is private though. If you have finished the first one, meaning read all of what's on the site, you may ask me for the new log.

[JediKaren]

Yesterday I trained a bit more with Scythe. He wanted me to go into telekinesis. I was not happy. In the past tk and I have had problems. The last time I practiced it took me three days of getting a psi wheel to move. Then for a few days I could move, in fact better than the time before that, but then my control dissappeared again and I gave up on.

We talked for a while, me doubting myself. I couldn't refuse him and yet this was not my idea of fun. So the first excuse I had was I didn't bring my tk wheel. So he suggested just try to move paper. The idea of trying to get this scrap piece of paper was so unrealistic I decided to see what I had around to make a psi wheel. I found everything I need and quickly made one.

There are a few tests that you have to go through before you can start practicing. One of them is the breeze test. The wheel must not move for over a minute without you doing anything. You then must get into the position that you are going to practice in and breathe hard. If the wheel doesn't move, then you are at a good distance. You don't want to sit too far back because it makes it harder for you to concinvce yourself you can reach out and feel it. The last test is you bring you hand next to the wheel and keep it there for a few seconds. The wheel shouldn't move. If the wheel has passed all of the test you can start practicing.

I did two practice sessions. The first one there was a breeze that kept coming and going so I'm not very sure if I moved it or did the breeze did. The only reason why I think I may of done it is because the wheel kept moving from side to side in a way that no breeze could of done it.

The second practice went much better. There is a certain trick to getting the wheel to move. You have to reach out to the Force, feel it, then feel the wheel and then ask, rather than force or will the Force to move the psi wheel left or right. When this does work you KNOW it works. You can feel the wheel react to your request. One problem that happens a lot to me is I'll feel the Force, I'll feel the wheel, I can feel the wheel is about to move, I'll get excited and then nothing will happen because I will lose my connection. So to beat that you have to calm yourself and not let yourself get excited. You have to push through and get the wheel to move, then you can get excited. This normal takes me a few tries before I can get through it.

I moved the wheel a bit. It was nothing great, no personal bests, but I did move it. That's always a great feeling. It makes you feel so special and so different. It feels like you are defining the world. You are doing something that should be impossible, but isn't.

Scythe wants me to get the wheel to float. That shocked me. I have enough problems getting the wheel to move from side to side. I can't even get the wheel to shake or tip to one side. I don't have a clue how to get the wheel to float. That's like learning how to stand and then get told to jump. I guess it's going to be a mental barrier to get through.

[JediKaren]

*rubs head and stomach*
awww..mann...if there is one lesson to be learned it is NOT to over do and then not get enough sleep. I know a sore tender head is normal for mentally straining yourself, but the upset stomach? Well I better explain what happened.

I had a normal Friday, starting off with an ever so early 8am history class, then to put money on my card so I could do the increasing large pile of laundry. I got breakfast started getting the laundry done, while posting a lot on this site, only to find that it wouldn't work later. Later I spent time with my boyfriend and then to get online to find the Scythe was on. He asked me if I had been practicing. I told him no. I really didn't want to practice. I wasn't sure if this was going to work again. Tk seems to be such a hard and delicate ability that often dissppears on me. So I'm scared to practice with it. Scythe reminded me he's not being strict and he's only asking for half an hour of practice. I knew that I had to do this. I told him I would and I could keep that.

It was later that evening that I settled down to practice. For some reason it took a lot less time to get the wheel to move, which is the hardest part. Once you have remembered the trick of getting it to move, you can keep moving and getting better. Although my goal was to get the wheel to float, the first step to that was getting the wheel to shake. To get the wheel to move from side to side is not hard. You just tell the Force to move it one way or the other. For some reason tell the Force to shake the wheel wasn't working. I could, at times, get a smal bit of shaking and that was it. I moved on and tried to imagine the piece of paper moving up, but nothing happened, not even shaking.

I trained until I got tired and psuhed on until I had a headache. I trained just a bit more when it got too painful to ask the Force to do anything and decided to practice dancing around a pack of gum to fast music, training myself to sense where the pack it and not touch it. For me this is what I considered fun, but even this was straining my mind too much. I talked for a bit online and gave up completely. I needed a nap. I was totally drained of energy and will.

The nap lasted for half an hour. I never even fell asleep. The girls out in the hallway were being loud and wild and there was nothing I could do about them. I got online again and talked to my sister, who I haven't talked to. I told her about the tk practice and about how my bf and I were getting along. She was impressed by the tk and said she wanted to go back to training. She is Force sensitive like me (we think it runs in the family through my so called father) and I have so far trained her to feel and gather energy. I went to take a long shower seeing my headache was only half way gone.

When I got back Scythe was on, which was a surprise because I wasn't expecting him for another hour and a half. I told him about the tk practice and how I felt. He said that I over done it. Well I knew that. I asked him several questions while also practicing with the wheel. I told him I couldn't move the wheel very well and he reminded me of becoming one with the wheel. That brough back huge ringing bells. I had totally forgotten about becoming one with something. I had already wrote about becoming one with the wheel in my diary about two years ago. Sadly this diary is packed in a mountain of boxs. I practiced more with the wheel using that method and found everything much easier. The wheel was actually doing what I wanted it too, rather than go the opposite way, which is what it had been doing for the two days of practice.

I kept playing with it, trying to hold it still and then move it. I decided to see what would happen if I kept it still and added a lot of the Force on and around it. The wheel started shaking a ton. I focused again on trying to life the paper up from the needle. Nothing happened except the wheel was shaking and turning right from left and right again.

I told Scythe this. He said to become one with the table that the wheel was on and the wheel itself. As I did both of this the wheel was starting moving again. Weird, I hadn't asked it to do anything. I tried to get a sense of right underneath the wheel and then ask the Force to move the paper up. Nothing happened except more shaking. It was too hard to keep my focus on three things at once. I was growing tired and I could feel the back of my mind threating another headache if I kept on. I ignored it and went back to just spining and stopping the wheel. I found that I was slowly loosing control over that too. I was running out of steam. I gave up and put the wheel away. I stayed up a bit, whining about how I wanted to practice more and didn't want to go to bed. It was close to 2 am in the morning and I had to get up around 10am to have breakfast. I got off and when quieted down, slept deeply.

This morning, now that I'm done typing a million pages, I feel somewhat better. My headache is more or less gone, but I feel like straining my mind would quickly bring back that headache...grrr not fair. I want to practice and push on today. I'm not sure what is causing the stomach to get upset. Maybe I just need food or something.

[JediKaren]

oh..ow..I swear a brick wall hit me when I was sleeping.

Yesterday was not my best day. I couldn't practice for most of the day because my head felt all weird, wrong and like I would get a headache again if I practiced. It was only in the evening when Scythe got on that I couldn't stand not training any longer.

As I predicted it did hurt to move the psiwheel at first. Then my mind seemed to relax some and the control of the wheel got a bit better, but still no where near as good as the night before.

[JediKaren]

Ok I've really learned my lesson. I won't over train and I will get enough sleep on a full day of classes. I didn't get enough sleep two nights before, went through a whole days of classes, racing through homework, and even my boyfriend knew I was sick and today said that I felt warm at dinner. After dinner I tried training with the tk wheel. I got it to move in less than a minute, but my energy wore out so fast I lost my connection. Scythe and I talked some more and I got even more tired. He offered to do telepathy practice with me seeing that I was complaining about only doing tk. We were going to start, but I felt so tired and so sick that I gave up and went to bed.

For the last few days an astral Jedi has been bugging me, telling me to do this or that. He says he is my teacher. I have told him I have one and don't need another. I already have a guide and I have one of the greatest Jedi training me in the astral planes. Last night he asked me to let him guide my astral body to a Jedi healer. At first I didn't want to, but did. When I aped I found myself on my back. A healer came and gave me a shot. It only slightly hurt, I guess they numbed the pain. The healer felt my head, as if knowing I was running a fever. Then the healer put their hand on my eyes and I found myself unable to see and feeling strange.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I suspect two things. I was brought to another place or plane or this was another weird meditation. What happened was I found myself in a very dark hall. I found three people in front of me. "obi Wan, Yoda and Qui Gon Jinn" (I will leave you to think about this) and was told that when Scythe knights me, they will recognize my knighthood. The ap trip ended and I felt myself return to my body.

I got back online, feeling slightly better and would later realize my fever was gone. I went to bed late, but slept late and felt good for the rest of the day. I was asked not to train at all.