My log, Aping

[JediKaren]

First trip
I got off msn rather upset because wingmakers had lost several people due to something that had happened. Joe had been telling me to go to the Merida Temple, but I didn’t want to just drop in.

I went to my room and put on some of the angriest music I had. I couldn’t dance and anything I tried to do just got me more angry. It didn’t help that it felt like there was someone in the room that I couldn’t see and he or she was bugging me in my head to go ap to that temple. After missing to catch a pen I just about broke down into tears and the cat came into my room purring as loud as possible. This was no accident and even then I knew someone had sent this cat to me. I picked him, the cat, up and was playing and petting him. The beast took away my angry and brought joy. I soon gave up and decided I would go to that temple.

I sat down on my floor and spent several minutes trying to collect nerves. I could feel someone trying to comfort me. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my nervousness. It was like that same person told me what to do. I had read that you have to say “I want to the Temple of Merida” so I said it in my head.

I found myself in this very very dark hallway. I couldn’t see where I was, but I could sense the confided space. I somehow knew to go forward. I stopped at this thick stone door. The door opened on it’s self. I walked in, but had not gotten more than a few steps when this tall guy looked at me and asked who I was. I stuttered out my name and he let me pass.

I could hardly see. It was like part of my vision was blacked out. I could see the pillars, five of them and the room was square. I hung out around the back, near the wall looking scared and not sure what to do. A beautiful lady came up to me. She had wavy long blond hair, nearly pale smooth skin, and gentle eyes. She was dressed in this flowing long dress. She looked to be around 30 or younger. I knew instantly she was my guide, the one that had been watching me.

She started walking to the other end of the room and I followed. We went through another door that opened up to a hallway. She went left and many other turns until we entered a room. Due to my partly blind vision I could see that the room was big, but she went for a small corner where a man was sitting there. I couldn’t see his face but I could sense him. I asked him about this and what he said I can’t remember. The next thing I know I was getting blasted with psi. At first I resisted, although that was useless. It felt like he was trying to scan me and not overload me. I gave in to the feeling and soon liked it if not enjoyed it.

It ended and my guide was leaving. I remembered to thank him and left. She led me back to the entrance.

Reflection
What happened was me getting offically “signed in”. The guy at the door acted like a gatekeeper. Now why he accepted me I can only guess at. It’s my belief that I was allowed Because my guide told them I was coming, or I was already on the approved listed. I couldn’t see the man’s face because my powers are not delveloped enough.

[JediKaren]

Second trip
This time the guy at the door simple looked at me and let me pass when I entered. Once again I was having trouble seeing. I don't know why, but at first all I can do is more or less sense my way through. I was am to spot my guide and went to her. I complained of not being able to see so she had be sit down. I was the only one to do this and felt out of place. For a few minutes I just sat there waiting for an image to come. It slowly came and soon I got up and walked around the pillars. She then directed me to the other doors.

We went right this time. It was short walk. She went into a door on the right that turned out to be a room with mats as the floor. I thought it was some sort of exercising room, but she told me to lie down. That was a bit weird, but I did what I was told. This lady that was dressed in sort of a tunic that was off white with brown came and sat/kneed beside me. She ordered me to close my eyes and relax. I realized she was so sort of healer, but I didn't understand why I was. I didn't need healing...or so I thought.

She had be open my mental defense to my mind. With gentle psi, she went in. This was so much better than the last guy's energy. In my head she noted I had been hurt from the abuse (of my dad and my mom's drinking and smoking.) Then my cat came into the room. Gee I could have killed him. He won't leave me alone and my attention got spilt. Finally I gave up, opened my eyes and kicked the cat out and closed the door. Oh was it not fun to do that. My head felt weird and it hurt. With some trouble I managed to return, saying sorry a million times and half begging for her to until.

For some reason I couldn't reopen my mind long enough for her to enter. My guide came over and sat beside me. I seriously don't like people crowding around me. She gentle and firmly opened my mind and kept it open despite my unconscious trying to close it. There was bit of energy and then it felt like some forced my eyes to open in that room. I could suddenly see those bright lights and it was blinding. I tried to sit up, but the healer gentle pushed me down telling me to lie down for a while. I tried to roll over and cover my eyes, but same thing. The light became bearable and I saw the guide was smiling at me. I asked him "what?" and she won't answer.

We left and she led me to another room. I didn't really look around I'm sorry to say. I was told to sit in this chair and then a guy came. The weird thing about this guy is I got two images from him. Once was someone around 29 with red/brown hair that was rather good looking. The other had the same hair, but was going bald a bit and had glasses. I thought he was either a teacher or doctor. He sat down opposite of me and told me not to be nervous, that he won't bit. I joked that he might aply bit.

I asked him why I was here. He said just to ask me some questions. The first was why did I think I was here. I answered that I knew I had some sort of destiny that was of importance and I was trying to find out who I was and what I was suppose to do. The second question was what did I want to me. I hesitated. My deepest, true to the heart want was to be a Jedi. But that's silly. I told the truth hoping he would take me seriously. To my relief and surprise he did and said that they had others that were Jedi. I said that (don't remember the exact words) about how I didn't see how I could, I didn't have a lightsaber. He handed me the hilt of one. In excitement I took a step or two, with my guide backing up to the door, and turned it on. The blade was blue, but I heard no noise. I don't remember what he response to that was.

I turned it off and put it on my belt. Here's where it gets weird, because now I can't exactly say what I was wearing. I think I had dark pants on, and apparently a belt. That's not what I was wearing in real life. I also complained of the room being cold. I was down right shivering in real life. He insisted on me not being use to the cold. I asked if there was anything else. He said yes, and that the council wanted to see me. I panicked and asked now? He said tomorrow. That got me pale. I then asked one more question, what was he? He said that he was a teacher, the head teacher. I have no idea what that was.

My guide left and I hurried after her. I asked her if we could stop at the first room with the pillars. She agreed. In there I asked for her name. She didn't say it, but it appeared in my head typed like this, if I get this correct: Calmista. I then went through the doors, into the dark hallway, and the ap ended.

Reflection
Although I was sent to a healer, I was not healed. I suspect that I will be healed later. The main purpose of that was to force me to see. They were forcing my “third eye” to open. I think that eye thing is what allows you to daydream and what not. I’m not sure why it was closed.

[JediKaren]

Third trip
Much that night and next day was spent in fear. I had grown up knowing about a Jedi council and then seeing it in the movies. I didn’t like it for its seriousness and the “we know every last thought your thinking” mood. I was convinced that this council would be like that.

I told myself that I didn’t have to do this. A friend said that I could always just say that I wasn’t ready and could chicken out without shame. But to me it was shameful to chicken out and that’s what made me see it through. As the evening went on and I worked I was calming down fast. Finally I came home, got ready for bed and sat down on the floor. I entered the main room where I meet Calmista. She asked me if I was ready to go to the council and I went pale. So much for self control. She led me to this room and had me focus on calming down. I finally said I was and she lead me to the end of a hallway and disappeared. I went into the room that was freezing cold. There were people there. I’m not sure how many because I couldn’t see them. I could see one man though. The details of him aren’t clear. He was nice to me and seemed to understand that I wasn’t thrilled to be here. I did most of the talking with him confirming things.

He did do two things in a sense. I had complained of not being able to see properly and he said that I could do what that healer had done. So I did and my vision got somewhat better. But I still couldn’t see the other people faces. I think they purposely did that. The second thing he did was told me how to warm up. I was literally shivering in real life. I already knew how to. I had discovered this trick about a year before I ever started training. You focus yourself and feel your body. Then you find some tiny warm spot in you and make it grow and send heat all around. A more advance way is to image heat rather than sense it and use that.

I finally left and meet Calmista. I was so excited, but she wouldn’t let me talk about it and insisted in me going back to go to bed. We did, but when I finally crawled into bed I was too hyper to sleep. I whispered out loud if she could put me to sleep and with in five minutes I had fallen asleep.

Reflection
It’s rather funny to look back on how I acted that whole day. I started the day pale and scaried. As the day went on I got braver. I knew I could turn back. No one would of thought bad of me. I had a good reason to want to pee in my pants. I am not a people person and would like to be left alone.

[JediKaren]

Forth Trip
ok so went to the main pillar room, met up with Calmista and looked hopeful at my lightsaber. She said not yet, I wasn't ready. I was kinda bummed out about that, but gave up whining about it.

She led me to a room on the left, right outside the main room. It was a very simple room with a blackboard, a teacher's desk and a desk with a chair for a student. It looked very much like a room at school, may it was suppose to be like that.

Calmista stood near the desk and said nothing. The same lady that was healer came in. She is also a teacher it turns out.

She talked about that fight my father and I had that turned to violence. She said that had I listened to psi I could have avoided the fight. I asked how that would help and she said that had I studied his emotions I would have understood why he refused to listen to me. So we practiced empathy.

It wasn't the normal, pick an emotion and have the other person sense it. The emotions were complex like mother's instinct for her child or revenge where there are several shades of emotions. I got them, although finding the right word for each was hard.

She then went into linking. She noted I could easily link with other psionics and my best friend and I had an unconscious connect that allowed us to read each other's mind. She also said that Calmista and I have had a link for several years now. I never really noticed it because I didn't want to believe in it. She mentioned the fact that Calmista was my master. I know in the land of Jedi it's the master that chooses the student, not the other way around.

She had me link to Calmista and then had us stop. ?the lady said that I could take this bond to another level with the result being us merging into one mind. She instructed us to pick a spot between us. I suggested the teacher's desk and Calmista agreed. I then had to sense the spot and dislocation my mind from my body and just to that spot. I had to allow Calmista to join me and work with me. That's not totally easy to do. We were told to create a thought of an apple. One of us wanted the apple to be red and other one us wanted it to red. The apple ended up being green, but parts of it turning into red. The healer noted it was a weak attempt.

Then the lady put the apple that had been thought up on the desk and had me sense it. She tossed it to me and I took a bit of out it. It was sweet and yet sour. That's one pretty confused apple if you ask me. Anyway so she had me sense two apples and then many many more. I was asked to sense each apple (there were 120). I couldn't sense them all. She said that I was doing it wrong. I had to sense one, then multiply this by many and organize them into rows. Then when that was done I had to mix them up to be like the ones that I was trying to sense. That worked better, but the problem was I could barely sense each apple.

We then moved on to sensing moving objects. She had apples coming from different places in the room. She didn't throw them and I don't think used tk either. I could block them with my hands. This didn't hurt like it should of on earth. If I got hit, and I got hit plenty if felt like a gentle thump without the pain. The apples soon came at me to fast for me to block and I gave up.

I suppose this was to point out why I wasn't ready for that lightsaber training. I was told to not come back tonight and to practice these skills. Calmista made me go back on my own.

Reflection
The games we played were simple. I already had these skills pretty well down. I guess my only trouble was I had never used them in the astral plane. The flying apples were very much like in star wars when Luke went against that droid. I also think Calmista was there, not to watch, but to bond somewhat to me. There’s nothing like playing with someone to get to know them.

[JediKaren]

Fifth Trip
It had been a bad day. It started with me getting up at 6 and working from 7 to 12, coming home to stuff food down my mouth, crashing into bed for a few hours of sleep and then getting up and trying to do everything in a few short hours. At 4:30 I left the house to work again from 5- 10. The store was a mess, the customers were rude and we had a new assistant manager that knew less that I did about registers. There was a thunder storm the last hour and I had to drive in the mess back home. By the time it ended it took all my self control not to break into tears. Calmista was no where to be felt and calling her out silently did nothing. I had no clue to if I was to ap to the temple or not.

I made the decision to go figuring all that could happen was I got told no and wasn’t allowed in. Aping there was hard because I wasn’t calm. I tried to calm down, but I just couldn’t. I suppose I still was overloaded. At the main room I could see slightly better than usual, but there was no Calmista to be seen. I went to the other door on my own and into the hallway. From there I trusted my feelings that lead me right and down several doors. I picked a door on the left and went in.

My first impression of the room was it was matted. My second was the room was a gym of some sort. The walls and floor had protective whitish mats. In the right hand corner there was a man standing there. I asked who he was and replied with he was a Jedi. I asked where Calmista was and he said busy. “Busy with what?” I said. I was told should I need to know I’ll get told.

He barked out an order to sit and I obeyed. I was then told to close my eyes. He noted that I looked stressed out. I pointed out that I had a rough day of working. I was told to get rid of my fear, and oh did I try, but it still wasn’t easy. I noted that he sounded rough and I had enough of that at work. He said that he wasn’t angry at me, but he soften up after that.

I was told to stand afterwards and my eyes went for my light saber. I was here to do training with it and that surprised me. I thought that I would have to wait longer. He had me turn it on and started talking about how important it was. This was your life, you skill and your soul. He knew that I had ice skated in the pass and quoted me that I would “become one with the ice” and had to do the same with the light saber. It was true though. I would never start spinning and jumping without a few laps around the rink learning all the creaks and good spots of the ice. I grabbed the Force and connected myself to that metal.

He then showed me a lot of stands and movements you can do with your light saber. This is much easier shown than explained. You basically have a box in from of you with four corners and four other spots to attack or defend from. He then went into defending saying that it’s much better to deflect and slide the attack away rather than try to meet it with your own force. He attacked me from various angles and I barely managed to deflect them. I had a hard time going from a low right to a low left. He then had me do this with both hands, right hand and left hand. I asked that I was going to sprain my wrist if I did this with my left. He said that in the ap you can’t sprain it. So I said in real life. He said that I would practice so I wouldn’t. I asked how. He said that I would practice in real life.

He then had me attack him. I more tried to hack at him rather than attack. I was told to swing my light saber and not use over my head moves. I was then to become one with the light saber again. This helped a little. He had me close my eyes and sense where he was and attack. Well I did that, but I’m slow. I lack that certain Jedi speed and grace. He then had me try to touch his feet with my light saber. No matter what I tried whether if was a low attack or high and then low, I couldn’t get pass him. He made me stop and get rid of the storm of emotion that had risen again. I simply couldn’t. He said that he would report this to Calmista and told me I could go. I hurried out upset and went to bed unable to sleep for several hours.

Reflection
I always wanted to use a lightsaber. It was my first and driving reason to become a Jedi back 5 years ago. Yes I know it was foolish, but I’m like that. I forced myself to learn how to skate because I wanted an ice skating outfit and my mom wouldn’t get it, unless I learned certain skills. I did learn them and ended up going much beyond that. Perphase the same thing will happen.

It’s also interesting to note this time I did not ask or want to train with that lightsaber. I wondered into that room without a clue in the world what I was going to do. I think I was lead there, but I’m not sure how. I guess I was ready. I think there’s a pattern going on here. I get what I don’t expect or want and don’t get what I want. Lol, it sounds like it came from that Rolling Stones song “you can’t always get want you want, but if you try really hard you might just get want you need”

The box idea is mine. I had read I, Jedi. The book had a whole chapter on lightsaber training. Half of what was said in that ap was in the book and half of all the rest was my thoughts.

[JediKaren]

Sixth Trip
Another bad day went. Calmista was no where to be found and I was very worried and hurt. I went to my evening job angry at a friend. She had claimed to possible be Calmista. I couldn’t stand that and I had to know if it was true or not. My friend wouldn’t go find out for me. I had gone to work with the idea in my head that I would use the link we had to annoy her into doing what I want. This was horribly wrong and the Jedi part of me was screaming not to do it. There was one thing I forgot about attacking anyone. I can’t. I’m built like a machine in that I can not harm anyone with there being a very serious reason why. This did not meet that requirement.

At about 8:30pm I suddenly felt a presence nearby and called out mentally Calmista. She answered. A rush of emotion broke through me and it’s a wonder that I kept my face straight. She was busy like I had been told. She had nothing to do with my friend and all was good. I was much happier the rest of the night.

When I got home I got online and told my friend and begged for forgiveness. She easily gave it to me, saying she didn’t know I had done what I had done. At 11 I sat down to ap.

I got the main room and spotted Calmista. I ran to her and hugged her half crying. She petted my hair and said it was ok. I had done no harm. My tears stopped and I looked around. The room looked different. It was darker than before. The walls where made out of some dark wood. I noted this to her. She said that I was changing. We were all changing, including the temple itself. My mind then turned to last night’s practice and how that went. She had know how I didn’t do well due to fear and lead me out of the room.

We went left this time and into dark room with stage lights on. She had me lie down and I somewhat freaked thinking this was going to be another healing thing. She said no. I was told to close my eyes and have my hands by my side. I had to focus energy at the top on my head and let it run down my body. Fear from the previous events came and made the energy race down my body. She said that it was the fear that made it go faster. I forced the energy to go slower and the fear loosened. She had me do this again and again. Most of the fear had gone at that point.

She had me sit up next. She knew that one of my own ways of getting rid of fear was to image it like a mist and have it rise out. She had me do that, but it never works that well. She wanted me to focus on the fear, to let it grow, but not to limit it, hide it, or fight it. That only makes it get stronger. If you let it grow and let it grow out of your body it disappears on it’s own. This worked wonders. I also did this the next morning for the normal morning head pain and it worked too.

She then had me stand up and for a minute play with a ball, keeping it up in the air. I was blindfolded and told to sense the ball. This more or less worked well. The session ended so after and I went to bed at 11:30pm.

Reflection
Not much to say here. I now read that sometimes guides aren’t there because they feel that you don’t need them at that moment. Lol, oh well.

[JediKaren]

if you haven't figured it out, I'm not proof reading all of this. Nor do I care to. Yeah I'm lazy, look at what I'm doing, plus two jobs. I have a right to be lazy should I want. Anyway more tomorrow. Once I'm caught up, I'll be posting one a day or whenever I train.

[JediKaren]

7th Trip

I arrived at the main room again with Calmista waiting there. I came up to her, but she had created a shield around herself and told me to stop a certain distance from her. She then had me sit down and practice the ways to calm down that I was taught the night before. When I was more calm I started exploring the pillars the were near me. For some reason they and the entire place looked and felt more real than ever.

She lead me out of the main room and to a room that was almost across the hall. As we were leaving I could feel this presence next to me. It was bitter cold. Once inside the room that presence then was not an inch away from me. I freaked out and pressed myself against the wall. Calmista told me to relax and allow it in. I refused. She told me to eigher let it in, or she would. With that I forced myself to open up. This presence seemed to take me away to somewhere that was covered in a white mist. All I could see was white. I couldn’t sense anything. I was half in the mist and half back in the temple. I asked Calmista why I was here and she said to see what I could do. I didn’t like it and wanted to leave. She said that I couldn’t leave until I had done what I was suppose to do.

At this point my mom opened the door to make sure I had clothes for work. I’ve never jumped out of aping so fast in myself. When she left I was dizzy, tired and weak. I lied on the floor not wanting to move. It felt like that cold presence was trying to force me to go back to that white mist. I finally gave in and went back to aping.

It took me a while to get use to the mist. I could sorta tell I was in a room, by sensing. The presence seemed to be moving and I followed. It soon went to fast and I was left on my own. By trusting my feelings I was lead to these doors. This was the first thing I could actually see. When I went through the doors I was attacked with many blasts of the psi going into my mind. I turned around to leave, but the door was shut. The energy was not overloading, but extremely uncomtfortable. I think I was in some sort of council room. It felt like that. I couldn’t see the room and could just barely tell there were people. The room was cold. I begged them to stop. I turned to the door again and this time it was open. I ran for it

As I ran out of the room I could feel someone come after me. I took a left, ran around a corner, and found a door to go through. I was scared to death and nearly collasped inside. I was leaning on a wall when I felt someone in the room. I freaked out and couldn’t move. The person beconed me to come to them. I refused. They then came near me. Gosh I was so scared. They offered a hand. I have no idea why or how, but I found myself being lead to a bed/table thing and was lying down on it. This person was a woman. I could sense that much. I couldn’t really see too well at all.

She told me to calm down. I was still terrified. I asked where Calmista was. She said that Calmista was waiting for me. I asked where and the same thing was repeated. I asked where I was and got asked “where do you think?” I said the temple of light because I had read about it that evening. I was right according to her. She repeated to calm down. She would not hurt me. I made a weak attempt to. She then said she would touch me and do something that would feel a little weird. She did and it felt like a bit of psi was in my head. What she did I don’t know.

For some reason that I don’t remember nor understand why I got angry. At first I was in shame because I freaked out and had ran like a chicken. It was something like no one told me what was going on. I got angry at her and pretty much got kicked out. I was not sorry at the time. But instead of returning to the temple of merida or back to my body I was stopped. I couldn’t see or hear or sense anything. My anger dissappeared and I tried to call out Calmista. She finally showed up and I lowered my head in shame. She made me look at her. She was not at all happy.

She said that I was wrong to get angry. That lady would of not hurt me. Calmista has never hurt me in any way and I should trust her. I told her that you can’t do this to me. You can’t take me to a place I don’t know where and do those things to me. Calmista said that I had to go there on my own free will. Had she told me, it would on not been my own will, but obeying her orders. I was also told I would go back the next night and stay until I had done what I suppose to do. I would say that I was sorry to that lady and obey anything that was asked of me. I was also to tell Paul about this and then was ordered to go to bed. I’ve never seen her angry before and I never want to see it again. I couldn’t argue with her, nor wanted to. I went to bed like told and was pretty upset with myself.

Reflection
I have always hated doctors. I’m not totally sure why, but my guess would be because half my life was spent around them. I was born three months early and up until 6 years old or so I was constantly getting sick. I incredibly shy and was worse back them. I’ve also had some doctors say “this is going to hurt just a little bit, or not all all” LIERS! ARG I will never ever trust anyone who saids that again. Well you can understand why I hate anyone touching me for any reason.

[JediKaren]

8th Trip
I woke up around 3:30am knowing that I had to talk to Paul, a friend of me that was interested in this training. I was not looking forward to this talk, but I would not dare disobey another order.

Paul was rather nice about it.We decided by the end of the talk that I would have to make some changes to my life if I wanted to keep this training up. I had to stop listening to my blink 182 which is an angry “the world sucks and this is how we feel about it” band. I also had to find some way of getting rid of that fear. The fear was a survival trait that had allowed me to live in the conditions that I have been living in for too many years. I now didn’t need them seeing that I had survived. This fear could not be told off or reasoned with complex logic. I would have to find some instinctual.

My answer was a fairly simple one and it came from my cats. When a cat doesn’t like you or a new kitten one way of getting the cat to accept you or the kitten is use a scent. You rub your purfume on the cat and that will teach him or her your scent. For a kitten, rub the purfume on the cat and kitten so they will smell the same as you. So why not use psi as the scent and the temple as the cat?

Well it worked, but not at once. The fear kept coming and going, but an hour before dinner I asked my friend online how I seemed and she said calm. I very quick got happy which turned in hyperness. After dinner I went on a walk in the woods. I went to this baboo forest and fought my way to this spot next to the stream. I stood there, gathering nerves, ignoring that voice that told me this was going to look so dumb, and talked out loud to Calmista. I said that I was sorry for the way I acted and I would go back and behave. I only asked that she lead me there because I didn’t know how to get there and she would be with me the whole time. In my head I heard her said she forgave me and she would be there.

The rest of the evening was spent doing research on Temple of Merida and Light. Turns out google and yahoo have nothing on it, but if you enter “ap” that will lead you to somewhere. While I never did find out anything on those temples I did read more about guides. It seems that my guide is a protector, healer and teacher. I don’t know if that’s truly possible, but that’s what I read.

Nine o’clock came and I sat down and forced myself to calm down. My nerves at this point were half failing on me, but I stuck it through and got to main chamber. The chamber this time was made out of dark stone and not wood like the last time. I suppose this was an improvement. I noticed I was no longer wearing black pants and a dark blue, long sleeve shirt. I was now wearing a dark forest green pants and a green shirt. Why the green? Well that’s another question I suppose I’ll find another trip.

Calmista asked me if I was ready. I said yes, although was nervous. She made me promise completely that I would do as told with all effort. She lead me to the same room as before. She had me picture the room I was in before I got kicked out. I found myself on the table/bed with that lady there.

I looked at the lady. I never got a very clear image of her or the room, but the white mist had left. I said that I was sorry for the way I acted and she didn’t seem to mind at all. I looked around and saw that Calmista was sitting in a chair next to the wall. I turned my attention back to the healer. She had me breathe in slowly, hold it for two seconds and let it out, repeat until calm.

I was ordered to lie down and close my eyes. She told me she would put her hands on me to help relax me. I forced myself, with Calmista warning me, to work with her. She put one hand on my stomach and one on my head. The last of the nervousness left. She noted that I had been abused. I swear there must be a sign over my head that says things like “important to the future, do not tell her anything” and “been abused”. She asked that I go tell her what each abuse was like. She understood this would be painful, but it would help. I played each story in my head starting with my brother leaving seven years ago to the last fight with my father. I was forced to stop at least twice because I got choked up in tears. When I was done she was petting my hair, saying it was ok. She said that she would sense some energy through me and I might or might not feel it. I vaguely remember feeling something slightly. Then she was done and Calmista had us leave.

Calmista showed me a door that lead back to the Merida temple. It was at the end of the main hallway. Then I left and cralwed into bed. I looked at the time and all of this took only 25 minutes. I know time there is messed up, but man that seemed too short of a time so much action. I strongly suspect that Calmista put me to sleep as a reward for behaving. The bed seemed much more comfortable than usual. I was asleep much quicker than I have been for the last week.

Reflection
I started the day, well morning horrible depressed and near tears. Calmista had won my heart and in doing so had my loyaty. I loved her like a child loves their mother. I had been thinking the day before that it would be impossible to get her angry and yet life proved me wrong. To see her like that was terrible. She was strict and scary.

[JediKaren]

A Trip to the Forest
9pm came and I was much more calm than I had been for a while. But despite this I was unable to ap to temple. I tried all I knew but I could not get my spirit to go there. It was like I was getting blocked by someone. To test out if I could still ap at all I went to forest that I believe to be on another planet, but I’m now thinking otherwise.

Sometime during the winter I was practicing feeling psi and half meditating. I remember in my head a hand being offered to me. Being myself I freaked out and refused it. The image did not dissapear and I spent the next day thinking about it. Who knew me? Why? How Why was I offered that hand? I knew that hand would be offered again the next night. This time I imaged my hand being placed into its. This was back before I had thought about guilds and spirits and aping anywhere cool.

This hand took me to a planet. The planet was foresty. Lots of trees, grass, plants and general life. As far as I could tell this was heaven for me. I belong in the woods. Keeping me away from them is not a good idea. When overload, angry or upset I run to the woods for peace and quiet. I can feed off the endless supply of psi. Animals don’t have complex thoughts beside need food.

I went back to the planet months later. I started exploring it and found a hidden grass patch surrounded by tress. The first thing I did when I found it was open myself up to psi and let it flood me. Oh how I loved it. For a few more nights I would explore a bit, but I found very little of interest.

Now back to the present. I came to the patch of grass and enjoyed the psi there for a few minutes. I started wondering around the woods looking for something of interest. I spoted this figure. I think it was man. It looked like someone blacked him out. I didn’t sense anything evil or bad about him, but he was drawing and drawing energy to him. I didn’t see why he was doing this. I tried to scan him, but I got sucked into his pull. I decided this guy wasn’t good and I didn’t need to deal with him. Turning and walking away turned out to be much harder. I created a shield of psi to help ignore the pull. I forced myself to keep moving. I went past the patch of grass and went the other direction. I wondered for what seemed to go on forever. I saw this shining light. It light turned out to be a very long, thing, pointed crystal. It seemed to have it’s own inner light. As I came near it, the crystal seemed to slightly push energy away from it and push you. It was not hard to fight back and move to the it. As far as I can tell there was nothing special about it, but I knew better. I know there’s meaning behind it, or else it wouldn’t be there. I walked past it and went on for some time. I soon ended at this huge drop. It just ended. It sorta crumped a bit. I jumped back. Gee was it scary. Well I turned back to the patch of grass.

Calmista was there. I tried to ask what those things I saw were, but she stopped me and forced me to stop the ap. She said that I couldn’t go to the temple because I needed rest. True I had spent the whole even yawning and when I did go to bed I was yawning more.

Reflection
I have to wonder if she blocked me out of the temple or did someone else. I like the planet. I wish I knew more about it. A friend knows about it, but he can’t/won’t talk. It doesn’t help he’s rarely on. I wonder why I’m seeing those things. I also have to wonder what they mean. I suppose it will make sense sometime in the future. This is probally the first time I haven’t been shy or scared while aping.

[JediKaren]

9th Trip
It was another horrible day at work with me using very bit of self resistant to not kick the living stuff out of this one empoly for being immature and abusing his tempory power. I was forced to spend a minute staring at a window of another house to calm down enough to ap. Once in the main chamber I had found a chair that so happened to be in corner and sat down calming down more. It didn’t help that I had mountain due not to long ago and my mind was bouncing off the wall.

Calmista appeared infront of me. I explained that bad work day, but of course she knew that. The day was werid in that at the start of driving to work I remember feeling weird. The car just had a lot of work down to get and I could not bond to it like I normal do, making driving a little scary. It took 10 minutes into working to reach out and touch psi. That’s when it hit me. Somehow I had the best connection to psi. I wan’t trying to have it, it was just there. It last 10 or so minutes, with me confused on what to do with it. I could sense things around me at a greater level than ever. The technique to rv ever little item I had learned early was making sense and easy to do. But when the surge of power died out it never came back as strong. It did come back many times during the evening. I could always feel it with this weird prefeeling. I didn’t know why it was happening, but my guess was someone was testing me and I didn’t no know why.

I asked Calmista what the surges were about and she lead me out of the room to find out. We where in the hallway when she stopped and made me find the room I was ssupose to go in. I note that she didn’t join me once I picked. The room was the class room I had been in with the first healer/teacher. I sat down and waited form someone to come. The guy that had first questioned me on what I would like to be came. I thought I would of never seen him again.

I asked him what was with last night and he asked me what I thought it was. I said some sort of test, but I didn’t know what for. It turned out to be a test of how fast I could recognize psi and that I had passed. I was then asked what I would like to learn. I said that my tk was super weak. I could hardly move a psiwheel. He asked how I did move it. I wasn’t quite sure. It some thing like staring at it, feeling it and in the back of your mind, moving it.

It was the back of the mind back that interested him. There was a mental muscle there that controlled the movement of the wheel and it was weak. I asked if there was some exercise I could do to strength it up. He said yes and in his hand appeared a bright red wooden cube. He put it on the desk and had me sense it. I did and was then told to become one with it like I do when I scan. I tried, but I really didn’t know how. He had me stop because it was starting a headache. He had me image a ton of grains of wood, all nicely organized and then use that to sense the wood that way. It worked much better.

I was handed the cube and then told to break it open. It broke in half and each half was hallow. I sorta freaked. I could of sworn that I sensed that block was solid. He said that it had been, but he made it hallow. He then made each half solid again, like someone on a computer was controlling all this. Someday I will accept that in the astral plane people can make stuff appear or disappear in a second.

He wanted me to put the two halves together by sensing the grains of wood at the edges and have them interlock. This was much harder, and my 10 second focus did not help. He had me hand the cube over, put it together like the way he wanted it and handed it to me again. I then broke it. Under his instruction I sensed both sides and the grains, put the cube together and then sensed the grains that way. I sorta put them together, but I couldn’t get the edges to work.

He had me stop and took the cube away. He then ordered me to sit up in real life. Groan and I mean that litteral. I was sore in real life and sitting up was causing pain. He had me numb or block all the pain out. He made me hold that for about a minute and then relaxed for two seconds. He made me sit up again, this time more straight. I was to do this again and again, each time sit up straighter and block out all pain. I didn’t understand why I was doing this.

The guy had me leave and I met Calmista outside the door. She asked how it when and I replied with nothing went bad, but I’m not sure if it was good. I then asked what was the point of sitting up like that besides for posture. She said to go to bed and figure it out. So I did and it suddenly dawned on me it had to be practice for focus.

Reflection
Is it just me or does everyone love rving too much? Gee you would think have 5 years of training myself on it I would have mastered it by now. I guess not. I went back to practiced it at work. It does make sense and it’s a great thing to do if you’re stressed out. I wrote an article about focusing and yet I’m getting told to practice on it. That doesn’t look good on me. Oh well. In many ways this training is like going back to day one and starting all over again. I don’t really mind it too much. I kinda get to see what I missed out while on my own.

[JediKaren]

10th Trip
I started going to work depressed, whining and near tears. I hated work for it’s rude custmors and immature people that I had to work with. I was working more than planned and all I wanted to do was play. The work ended up being fun and the time flew by.

I came home happy and almost hyper. I finally sat down at 11:30pm. I aped to the dark hallway. I noticed I could see the door more clearly than usual. As I passed through the door I noticed I was wear light, cotton candy blue. I ran up to Calmista. She was happy to see me in this mood. I hardly understood why I was like this, but didn’t care. I was a bit too hyper and she made me focus my energy on the pillars, which really didn’t do anything.

We went to the other hallway and I ran down it like a little kid. She made me stop and go into this room. It was lightsaber training room. She had a green lightsaber and wanted me to fight her. At first I was all like I didn’t want to hurt her, but she said that I won’t. Fighting her felt weird. I was so new to the lightsaber and so akward. She had be stop and become oen with the lightsaber. That sorta helped. I still couldn’t get the moves to flow at all. Felt like I was on the ice again for the first time. She had me pick something to aim for. I picked her right ankle. I tried different methods. Going for it directly, going another place in the hopes of fooling her or use that as a fake one and changing it. The problem was I didn’t expect to win. I was new and I didn’t know what I was doing. It was quite clear she did know how to use one. During the fight I felt a large amount of energy in me. I didn’t cause it. I think she did and I didn’t know why. She told to not fight it and let it stay there. It didn’t seem to improve my abilites. It was almost overload and I felt sick to my stomach if I fought it.

Calmista had me stop and sit down. She told me I won’t win if I fought like this. I had to act, be a Jedi if I wanted to win. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t offically one. What would I do if I had to lead the world tomorrow? Could I? No, because I didn’t truly believe this was happening. I had to get rid of my “normal” life. I had to be a Jedi 24/7 all the time no matter where I was.

We fought again and this time I forced myself to believe I could beat her. I tried again for the foot. That wasn’t working. I reached out to psi and felt that a weak spot was her upper back. With an over head strike and a quick movement I got her. My blade touch her back. Excitement raced through me and my ego got 20 times larger. It was now my turn to defend. Although I tried she got me on the left arm near the wrist. It didn’t hurt, but I still squeaked. Once again my turn attack. I got her on her leg and she called it to a quits. For homework I was to draw a few pictures of the lightsaber.

I was sent back to the hallway on my own, but I sensed that there was something beyond that. Once pass the stone doors I noticed there was. The hallway ended with two doors. One went down a staircase and the other I don’t know. I picked the staircase somehow knowing that was the way out.

Reflection
Blue is the color of calm. I wasn’t exactly calm, but I wasn’t scaried, angry or depressed. That’s the first time I’ve been hyper there. Lol I hope I didn’t scare anyone with my wildness. Calmista didn’t seem to mind it. I got the feeling she was amused by it. She knows I’m a teen and I just want to have fun. A bit of hyperness never hurt anyone.

Once again I didn’t expect this lightsaber training. I expected something different. I thought it was pretty cool once I got the right mind. The “normal” life refers to back when I thought I was training myself. I use to have two parts to me. One was “Karen” and the other was “JediKaren”. Karen was your normal average teen. JediKaren was pure Jedi. The strong will, the bravery, and need to do the right thing. The two clashed more than you believed, but sometimes got alone quite nicely.

[JediKaren]

A Reward
Sunday I work from 12pm to 7 and that’s the most busiest day of the week. I’m often left overlaoded and will bite of anyone’s head that annoys me. Sunday was different this time because I came in with this wonder, light hearted, nearly giggling mood. I stayed like this for a solid two hours, then I got on register. It’s not that being on the register is bad, it’s just that I got too many custmors for two hours. I was polite, cheerful and even funny, but I still got worn out. Finally my break came and I took the time to calm down and relax. It did wonders and I went back to work in a better lighter mood. I came home got online and was a bit bored. Yeah I know the day before I was upset over not having enough time on my hands and now I was bored?

At ten I sat down to ap to the temple. I could only half ap there. I wanted full and I did not know why I couldn’t totally get there. There was nothing wrong with my method or mood. I felt and heard Calmista near me. We were in this plane where I couldn’t see anything. I was aply sitting. She was standing right behind me. She was massaging my shoulders. I have a rule, well more like instinct that no one is to touch me. When people hug me, unless I know them really well I tend to freeze up. She asked me to relax. So I did. My mind seemed to washed over with this calm near sleep feeling. It was very peaceful. My whole back side was gental rubbed. She then had me turn over and had this other guy do it.

Although this is horrible embarrassing thing to type, but it slowly dawn on me that I had no clothes on. Some how it didn’t bother me. The guy made it clear that he didn’t care and wouldn’t do anything. Once again it was great. He asked that I go into bed and allow him to continue until I fell asleep. He said this was a reward for good behavoir at work. Well fien by me. If this is what I get, I’ll be good any day. Heh.

Reflection
Some day I will get use to people touching me and life will get better. Until then, please stay away.

[JediKaren]

11th Trip
I had a nice long talk with Paul, something that is hard to do with our time zones and me working. We had gotten into the subjects of rooms at the temple and people having them. He had said that Calmista must have one. He had me ask her. I did, mentally and the answer was yes. I then knew that the ap for that night was going to be about.

I was fairly hyper when I sat down to ap. A bit too much really. I could barely focus enough to have my spirit get there and when I met Calmista I was told to calm down. There’s no pleasing some people I tell ya. At that point that cat came into my room and purred as loud as possible. I said out loud that this wasn’t suppose to happen, but picked him up anyway. Awww he was sooo cute. The cat really was. He just wanted to be picked up, held, and loved. I half threw him out of my room and closed the door.
I settled back down to ap again, this time much calmer. Calmista was still there and asked me if I was better now. I said yes. At this point I had noticed I was wearing off white long sleeve shirt and pants. If this keeps up I’ll have worn the whole rainbow. She asked if I wanted to see her room and I said yes. She had me follow her through the room, through the doors and across the hallway to the other side to these swing doors. She went through them and I followed. I found myself in a staircase. We went up two flights of stairs. I tried to race the last few stairs, but she held me back. We went inside this door and into another hallway. The hallway was done in office style. That was surprising. I was expecting to see stone again.

We took the left, went around a corner and went to a room on the left. There was a sercuirty lock on it. You had to punch in the code. I was really surprised to see that. Why on earth do they have that? I mean who would want to break in? You can’t even get here without a guide, not to mention ap to the themple with that in mind. Well I didn’t ask any of that. We went in and the room was again an office. There was a computer on the left, a low desk with clutter on it. A computer chair, a bed on the left, cabinets near the door and a window. These was nothing what I had imaged, but to be honest I haven’t had the time to image what her room would look like. I sat down in the chair.

Paul had asked me why I didn’t ask a million questions and the turth is I can never think of them while there. There’s so much to look at that asking stuff isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. This time I remembered. I asked about this subconscious stuff. Everyone in my opinion makes a big deal over being able to talk to you subcon. The most I have ever done was tell it to wake me up at a certain time and half the time it listens and obeys. She had me say hi to it, but I don’t remember getting an aswer back except for a bit of psi. I asked it to wake me up at 5am and then changed it to 5:30.

I felt her send energy through me. I was told to lay down on the bed. I didn’t like where the energy was going and blocked it using a shield. We had an argument about it and decided that it would be better to not have her override my sheild which would overload me and cause me to black out. Not the type of thing I would like to report to the readers. I then got up and asked about the computer. It had all the files about everything you could want to know and more. I asked if she had computer games and of course the asnwer was yes. I teased her, by asking if she had minesweeper and yes she did. Hehe I love minesweeper.

I went to the file cabinet and opened it. It was all on me. From the time I was born to the when I said out loud that I wanted to be a Jedi when I was 13, until now. She even had “Karen’s drawing”. Some of the stuff in there were memories. Her memories I guess because I could hear my voice from an outsidered point of view. Arg gee was I high pitched and airy.

It was time to leave. She lead to me door that lead right back to the main pillar room. Man I would love to see a map of this place sometime. The rules of earth really don’t exist here if they don’t want the rules to. I slept through the night and woke up at 5, looked at the clock and rolled over to sleep the last hour.

Reflection
Wow cool room! I’m gonna have to play on that computer and explore those cabinets more! Man I would love to see a map of this place sometime. The rules of earth really don’t exist here if they don’t want the rules to. I love how you can just go to a door and go to another room without all the walking and stuff.

[JediKaren]

12th Trip
The last an hour before I aped was spent with this empathic need to hurry up. It had to be Calmista. I mean I knew I needed sleep and all, but I wasn’t in a rush. I finally did sit down on the floor. She wanted me to directly ap to her room. I didn’t know you could do that. I thought you had to go through the main doors.

I asked why I was here and I don’t remember exactly the answer, but it was something like “you’ll see”. She told me that I can always disobey her should I have a good cause to. I knew that and pretty much ignored it. She also told me that the council would like to see me soon. She won’t tell me how soon is soon. I asked her if I was going to do something and she said yes. I was asked to close my eyes and feel her. I sensed her presence and was asked to go deeper. I felt worriness in her. She seemed to be worried about me…something about not being ready or not sure if I could do something. She told me that she thought I would be fine, but that worry was still there. I tried and failed to get more out of her.

It was the start of my period and I knew I was going to have cramps any second now. She commented on this asking me if I wanted to learn how to deal with pain. I said yes. The only way to learn to deal with pain is to create it and she had to. It was really fake pain that didn’t truly exist, but boy did it feel real. She literally stabbed me twice, once in the chest and the other in my ribs. I wasn’t hurt. There was no wound or blood, but in real life I gasped in pain. She told me to breathe. I was frozen in pain. I forced myself to let go and relax. The pain was still there, but I wasn’t frozen.

I was then told to lay down on the bed. Arg I’m starting to put lying with bad things together. If she weren’t her, and were a guy this would of be considered rape, but I’ll keep with pg rated. Let’s say I was held down by someone and she did want she want. No sex, but it was very unwelcomed. I cursed her out, struggled and nearly won. I threatened to stop aping and she threatened to overload me. After nearly breaking loose and being pinned to the wall I got sick of it and opened my eyes. I weakly made it to my bed. There I fought bitterely to stay away, for she was trying to put me asleep. I even said out loud “I won’t”. I wasn’t going to put up with this. She could get the #$%^ off me. This lasted for a few minutes when I felt, heard her say that I has passed. Passed? This was all test? What the….? She was being all nice and humble about it. She wanted me to go back to the floor to return to her again, but I was warm in my bed and didn’t want to move. She said that was fine. I was worried that I would fall asleep if I aped in bed. She said that if I sat up I won’t. So I went back to her room.

She said that she was really sorry that she had to do that to me. She had to make sure I knew not to blindly obey her and know the rights of myself. I sworn I knew that and she should of known that, but maybe there’s something in my past that is causing confusion. Well I forgave her, not sure what to feel or expect. She then lead me around the hallways showing me different rooms that I would use later on. There was this healing sort of room that I would go the next night, training rooms for lightsaber fight, and a meditation room where she would show me stuff about meditation that wasn’t in any site. I was lead to this room with nothing in it. I was asked to lie down on my stomach *groans* and do nothing. She said she was going to mark me. Like putting a tatoo on me, without the needles. I don’t know what she exactly did, but it felt like she was painting something with her fingers on my back. When done she put her whole hand on it for a second. I was told to turn over and she did the same thing on my forehead. I was then told to go to bed.

Each night when done with aping I always go through it in my head to remember it the next day. If I don’t it feels too much like a dream and I don’t get certain points. I stopped on the healing room. I thought it might be better if I could get what ever needed to be done now. Calmista must have been listening to all of it because she said that I could if I wanted to.

Once again I aped to her room and was lead back to the healing room. There I lay down on a bed. Four people came in, two on each side of me. They had Calmist hold my head down. I wasn’t totally scaried, but I didn’t exactly love this. Too many people, too near me. I remember feeling some energy, but nothing sticks out much. I do remember in real life being pushed down into my bed so I was more lying down like I was in the room. When they were done I stopped aping and was very weak. I could hardly move and fell asleep quickly.

Reflection
Many of you are probally are grossed out by her. I was until I talked to Paul. She was trying to force an attack out of me even though she was my teacher and I didn’t want to harm her. She had to do that because she knew I would be highly defensive if she did it. I’m sorry to say I didn’t attack her. I got close, but never did. The pain thing worked. The cramps weren’t too bad. The tattoo according to Paul is one of a warrior. Please please don’t get this vision in your head of me looking like some actress from some tv show. I’m really not that. I have no want or need to go kick the butt out of people.