My log, Aping

[JediKaren]

Kicked Out
Yesterday my parents fought again and my dad was cursing at my mom. I really really hate it when he does that. So I went to them and yelled at them, telling him to back off. Both parents got mad at me and I'm not even going to try to defend myself on that. I stormed to my room cursing my parents outs.

Calmista tried to talk to me, but I was far into my anger to listen to her. I later calmed down and pretty much forgot the whole thing. When it came to aping time I was in a good mood and was looking forward to training. Only there was one problem, I couldn't ap to the temple.

At first I thought it was me, but there was no reason why i couldn't. I tested myself by making sure I could ap in my room. That worked. I went back and tried again to ap to the temple. I plain couldn't get there. So I figured maybe someone wants me to go somewhere else. I allowed my ap spirit to be free and open. I felt myself being drawn into this dark place. I couldn't see. It was completely black, like a void. I could sense nothing around me. No walls, no floor.

I did spot/sensed someone coming towards me. It was guy. He was completely grey and looked a lot like a ghost. I never got any details about him. He said that I wasn't allowed in the temple. They were sick of my random rude moods. they wanted me to change. I told him that I couldn't. I had been trying for months and I wasn't getting anywhere. He told I could and would. I repeated that I couldn't. He repeated I would. We went on like this for a minute and I found myself back in my body.

At first I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. Was I that bad? I didn't know who this guy was or why he told me this. I don't know if I should trust what he said. I was in need of a peaceful place I could ap to. I picked that planet Calmista showed me months and months ago. I aped to the clearing in the forest and sat on the big rock depressed and angry and hurt.

Calmista showed up. She sounded slightly weird and felt weird too. It nothing big, but it was enough that I noticed. She confirmed that I couldn't go back to the temple right now. She said that I was afraid of change and when I got over that fear I could go back. I got mad at her saying I couldn't. She said that I would. My anger turned into tears and I was crying aping. She offered nothing. I finally left and went to bed to tried one more time to ap to the temple. I couldn't get a grip of it.

[JediKaren]

The Test
Basically what happened last night was this: I sat down and forced myself to think positively about the temple and Calmista. Then this image (picture?) of Yoda came. I begged him to let me come back. I got told to stop begging and he asked me if I was willing to do exactly what I was told with no fuss or complaints or doubts. I agreed. He left (faded?)

Then I aped to the main room of the temple. There Darth Vader showed up. He said he was Anakin, which means a lot of me (long story) and he wanted me to follow him. At first I was so surprised and shocked that I wanted to get away from him. I put my hand on my lightsaber, but didn't do anything. This wasn't the place or time to fight him. He lead me to the stair and went down. I've never been under the main level and didn't know you could.

We went into this weird dugong/cave sort of place. It had jail cells along the walls. We went near the end of the hallway and stopped at one cell. he opened the door and had me go in, and closed the door.

Then after a few mins the emperor showed up. I was really grossed out by him and told him he was just Hitler with force powers. He wanted me to follow him. I remember my promise and decided to follow.

At first I was walking right next to him, but I quickly put some distance between us. He wanted me to be near him. I told him firmly I won't. End of story. He stopped and said I should go on. I didn't need him. So I did and went to the end of the hallway. There were two tunnels. One was light and the other one wasn't. I knew this could be a trick of some sort and decided to go for the lit one.

I followed it for a very long time. It had more jail cells. When I got to the end I opened the door and found myself in a very dark room. I knew where the exist of this room was, and with closed eyes walked there.

I found myself in a greenhouse, like the one you would find at a store. Darth Vader was there again and I asked if I could go to bed now. He said yes, but this wasn't over. I would have to ap to the greenhouse again the next night.

[JediKaren]

Knighted
I sat down, like usual and calmed myself. My father and I had another disagreement over something silly. I made myself get rid of the anxiety of not knowing what was going to happen. There was no book or movie that ever mentioned what comes next. I focused on happy, good thoughts and I could feel myself being drawn to the place that I was suppose to go to. I aped to the green house where Anakin was. Once again I was a little repulsed by him, but for his sake I stopped myself. He lead me, by the hand, to the end of the green house to a door and said that next room I was going in had tests and at the end of the room was a door.

He asked if I was nervous and I said a little, but I was forcing myself to act brave no matter what. I went through the door and when it closed I was completely in the dark. The room turned out to be a maze with traps. One trap had the walls close in on me. I jumped on the sides of the maze to avoid that. One had a quick sand, I jumped out of that and on to a wall. Of course I ran into a dead end. I knew I was getting no where so I tried to feel psi to help me out. Only I couldn't summon it. Someone or something was blocking me. So I tried to use the sun's stronger energy and barely got any of that. I forced myself to remember how to gather that "white" energy that I had so long ago felt. I managed to gather it and that helped. When I used the energy to look around the world was made up of black and white. I could see hidden doors and made it to the door. Only there was this dog like thing guarding it. I got on my knees and used mind control/empathy to calm it down and quickly got pass it and the door.

The other side seemed to be pure white light. At first I couldn't see a thing. But it slowly dawned on me that this bright light was coming at me. The light turned out to be coming from this guy. I swear he looked like an angel lol. I’m not sure if he had wings. The blinding light was a little too much, for my earthly eyes. In fact the whole place reminded me of a movie's silly idea of what heaven looked like.

I was asked if I was afraid and I realized I wasn't. In fact I was rather calm for someone who just did all that. The maze wasn't hard or bad. I asked if he was angel and he said yes. Whoa, didn't expect that answer. He came to me and put this floor length white with gold trimming cape on me. He then took me by the hand and led to a short distance to this council. As soon as I realized this was council, I hesitated. Was this the council I had already met? He said no. This was a higher one. That just put more pressure on me, but it was too late to back out.

He left me, after bowing the council. I could feel this intense energy focused, it seemed, on my mark. I could barely make out the members they seemed so bright. It was impossible for me to make out their faces. I asked them to stop sending energy at the mark. They said that they weren't doing it. I said if they could make the feeling stop. They told me to relax.
I did and the feeling went away. I asked why that had happen and they said because I was being nervous. We talked, I'm not sure about what though. I remember them saying I was now a knight. I told them that I couldn't. I didn't have the training to be one. My skills were pitiful. I could hardly swing a lightsaber. People that threw fights for a week don't get knighted.
But I had passed the tests, they reminded me. I said that was easy. Anyone could have done that. They seemed to think other wise. They told me that I was not done with my training and Calmista would still be there. Being a knight was only the first step. Then they said it was over and I was dismissed. So I left and returned to my body, still trying to figure out how and why I got knighted.

[JediKaren]

A Short Talk
I had gone to see a high school musical, called Chicago and gotten home rather late for my bedtime. I knew I had two tests the next day and knew that getting sleep was important. My first feeling was not to ap that night, but I have found that any type of good show or form on entrainment tends to excite me and make it so I can’t clear my mind for hours. This night was no exception and I decided to go back on my first idea and sat up in bed. My only problem was I couldn’t clear my head very easily.

With a lot of focus and discipline I was able to ap solidly at Calmista’s door. I knocked like I always do. She partly opened the door. We had talked the night before for a very brief time. I needed to tell her the good news and see what she thought of all this. Her reaction to it was rather disappointing. She seemed some what happy, but not over thrilled as I thought she would. be. Tonight’s visit seemed to reflect the same mood.

She told me she had someone in her room. I knew this was not the time to talk to her, but I still felt slightly hurt. Perhaps she sensed it and felt sorry for me, because she let me her room. I sat down in a chair near the door. I looked at the person sitting across from me. He was a guy, human of course, and black. Strangely enough I have not seen anyone black in the temple. In fact I haven’t seen anyone of any other race than white European. I seriously hope I don’t sound rasical, because I swear I’m not. I don’t care who or what you are as long as you treat me right.

I suddenly remembered the white with gold, floor length cape I was given the night before and looked down at my clothes to see if it was still there. It was to my surprise and dismay. I understand it is a great privilege to have this cape. It is a sign of honor and achievement. Unfortunately it’s not my style. I’m 18 for crying out loud! I’m no godly like princess or fairytale knight. I’m JediKaren, an emerging young woman who’s trying to find her path in the great scheme of things. It’s one thing to wear a custom for a day or two and it’s another thing to wear it all the time.

I tried to explain all this to Calmista and the man. I did it in a way, or so I hope, that was completely respectful. I said that the council could have it to put in a trophy case of some sort or Calmista could have it to hang in her office. I also said that I wouldn’t mind having my temple spirit wear this, but I wouldn’t. I took off the cape and gave it to Calmista. Neigher one of them tried to talk me out of it, nor did they seem to disapprove of my decision, but they didn’t say anything positive either.

I talked to the man a bit. For privacy sake I will keep that information to myself. The truth is it’s not very interesting anyhow. I felt Calmista get sort of antsy about me leaving. She had work to do with this man and I was out staying my visit. I left with the promise I would come back. Calmista said that she had some training for me to do now that I was a knight.

[JediKaren]

Third Trip
I sat down and settled my mind to ap. I got to Calmista’s door without any trouble. She opened the door and let me in. She seemed to be a bit warmer with her mood. I told her how I was worried about how she didn’t react the way I thought she would of. She said that was very happy for me, but it’s not like her to get overly excited about it. Besides I had other friends to do that.

She noted that I looked tired. It was true. I had spent the whole week getting little sleep due to projects, stress, aping, and plays. Things had finally calmed down. In fact once I take my SAT on Saturday I will have nothing important to do. She told me to lie down. Obviously there would be no training done tonight.

She said that she needed to do a mental “physical”. I didn’t really want her to do it, but she said that I hadn’t been to healer for a while and it was time. I think they like to do it once a month and I haven’t been to healer for health reasons this month. Hmm that has to be a record. She put her hands on my head. My natural mental guard kicked in and tried it’s hardest to keep her out. She told me to relax. At first I didn’t want to, but I wrestled with my defense system and got it to relax. I could feel her. She said that I was still recovering from all the stress of the last few weeks. This was part of the reason why I was so tired. She didn’t say anything about healing it and I got the feeling this could only be healed with time and peace. As if reading my mind, she said the same thing.

She offered to help me with the peace part. I agreed with it. She got out a needle. Once again I tried to refuse, but she just took my arm. I looked away. She told me in a somewhat strict voice that I had to watch. I did. It didn’t hurt, but it’s that natural fear of sharp, painful things that made me feel this way.

In what felt like a few seconds I could feel the effect of the stuff she injected. I felt myself relax and my mental guard loose its grip. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to enjoy the happy feeling. Suddenly, without warning, my stomach got very queasy. Calmista asked me what I had eaten. I told her popcorn, sausages, potatoes with cheese, canned fruit and milk. I’ve never reacted to any of these foods and I was fine during the evening. I asked what was going on and she told me I be reacting to what she put in me. She asked me to go to bed. I did as told and fell asleep sometime later. I woke up a few times during the night and felt fine.

[JediKaren]

Forth Trip
As advance warning I don’t remember all of what happened this night, so forgive if the details are not up to my usual standard.

I sat down and aped to Calmista’s room. She let me in. We talked some. She apologized for what happened the night before. It turns out she wasn’t suppose to get me that shot. A healer should of done that. She admitted that even she can make mistakes. Hehe I’ll remember that.

My father and I had another fight about what type of pencil to bring to the SATs. Yes I’m fully aware we pick the stupidest things to argue about. I was really mad at him. Then he made me make the fire (we have a fireplace at our house and it’s my job to make the fire) and I didn’t want to. I ended up doing it, but I was in even a worse mood. The time I aped I had done a 180 in mood and was now happy, but very tired. I swear I’m almost bipolar.
Calmista knew of my stress and how I felt towards my father. He’s always rubbing stuff in my face which just gets me angry. She also teases me, but as she explained it, she would never tease me in a way that hurts or really annoys me.

She wanted to help me calm down totally. She took my hand and rubbed it. When I mean rub, I mean all fingers, between fingers, palm and on of my hand. Ohh did that feel good. It produced this warm, tingly feeling, like psi. She stopped and asked me to recreate this feeling and spread it throughout my body. The time I was done I was totally calm.

She then took me a healer. The healer was a new one and a friend of Calmista. She checked me out and towards the end I got this dizzy, I feel like I’m going to puke feeling. The healer got worried and sent me to bed. I was fine, once again in the morning.

[JediKaren]

Fifth Trip
When I aped I had decided to go to Calmista’s room, but I couldn’t get myself to go. I could feel this tug. I stopped trying and let this tug take my spirit to wherever I was needed. I found myself in this big empty room. It was dark at first. I had to rely on my sensing ability to know what the room was like. Slowly my vision returned to me. I could see Calmista. She was sitting behind my head. I was lying down by the way. She wanted me to relax. This lady came to my side.

I wondered where I was. Calmista said I was in a healing room. Not like the healing rooms I been to for the last few months, but more like the one I first went to on the second trip ever. This room was more for spiritual healing rather than mental or physical. I was here because I have been resisting this changing into a knight. They want to help make this change smoother for me by helping me feel and be more peaceful. That evening, before I aped Paul was nice enough to spell out the meaning of everything that happened during that test. I now have a much better idea of why I got knighted. I think it helped me accepted this.

What they did exactly I can’t remember. I’m starting to get worried about how these trips are getting vague. I hope this doesn’t mean anything bad. Maybe it’s because I’m not really learning anything so it doesn’t stand out in my mind. I have been aping a lot when I’m really tired. Maybe I need to take a break for a night or two and catch up on sleep. Hopefully I can get through this quickly and get back to training.

[JediKaren]

Sixth Trip
In Universal LightWorkers there’s a theory section. A day or two ago I posted my theory about how there are different types of energy. Some energies are stronger than others and come from different sources.

I was talking to various people from the site about my theory. I also threw in the theory of the psi stream. It’s about how there is a stream of psi and psionics can travel it and the stream breaks off into branches. You can refer back to it in Level 3, trip3. I was wondering how do different types of energy play with this psi stream? I asked Joe and Paul and neither of them knew. I decided this would be a good thing to ask the people at the temple.

I was smart today, in that I got a nap before dinner and was awake enough that I could ap and actually remember what happens. There was also something weird going on. Ever since I got knighted I have been going through some weird symptoms. I’ve had sudden flashes of intense heat that makes me sweat and hard to cool off from. I’m too young for hot flashes and yet this is exactly them. I’ve noticed a decrease in the amount of food I can eat. I’m not on a diet either. I’m also more tired. I’ve checked myself and I can’t find any sign of me getting sick. I was fine before I got knighted and nothing health wise has changed in my daily life.

I complained to Paul that I didn’t know where to ap this night. No one ever tells me where to go anymore so when I’m settled down and ready to ap, I’m at a lost of where to go. He suggested that I should go with the flow and just let them take care of my destination. So when I did sit down I went with the flow.

At first I could tell that I was sitting on something, but that was all. I could see anything. I have to wonder why I more times than not start off not being able to see. I could hear this voice, a woman’s voice. I wanted to know where I was and I wanted to see. She told I would be able to see in a little bit. Gradually my “eye sight” came to me and I was in a clinic of some sort. Big surprise. In real life I was experiencing another overheating. This lady draped something over my shoulders that was vaguely cold. I looked down and saw my body with no clothes on. Yikes, I didn’t expect that. She had me lay down and place more cold pieces of material on me.

I was being impatient to get some training done after waiting two days to rest. She made me lay there, slowly getting colder. She also explained and answered some of my questions. She said that knighted meant a lot more than just a title and some new respect. It was a physical, mental and spiritual change as well. Calmista and the others were trying to get me to be more peaceful so this change would go smoother. These strange symptoms were the outward sign of this transform. She said that if anything were to get out of control I should ap to them and they would deal with it. Other than that I would have to bare with this for a few days to a week. The amount of time this takes depends on me. To make this quicker I should not resist and just let things happen the way they do. Now if you’ve gotten this far in my log you’ll know this isn’t easy for me, but the temptation of speeding this up was awfully strong. Well we’ll see what happens.

At this time I was now slightly shivering in real life. She let me out of the room and I was in a hallway with doors on both sides. I realized that I didn’t have a clue where I was or if I should open any door. I wondered down the right hand hallway and found a door on my left that said Karen. Talk about someone giving you a sign. It really doesn’t get easier than that. I opened the door and went in. The door closed itself. It was a tiny little closet, barely big enough to fit me. I got out. I noticed on my left there was a glass, or at least it looked and felt like glass wall. I turned back and was going to go explore the other side of the hallway when another glass wall appeared, trapping me again. I couldn’t get through the wall and finally sat down and waited. I figured someone was playing with me. Getting impatient wasn’t going to help me. The glass wall move back a door space and stopped. I walked over, after mentally warning myself not to act impatient. The wall again moved. This kept up for several more door spaces. Finally a man stepped out of a door.

I turned around and looked at him. He was short, but nice looking. He invited me into the room he had just come from. We entered into this dark hallway that went to a square room with glass walls on all four sides. There were two seats and he had me sit in one. He asked how I liked his glass walls and his fun he was having with me. I tried as politely as possible it’s wasn’t exactly fun for me to be toyed with.

He knew I had questions and he tried to answer with a warning that it was very complex. The truth is the psi stream is not totally made up of psi. At the time it was easier to explain the stream concept with one energy. All energies feed into the “stream” from different sources. Most people can’t tell the difference between the energies, and that includes psionics. He also explained how the stronger energies are used more for controlling energy while the lower energies are more for intuition. Skills like empathy and telepathy use low energies which is why people generally don’t feel the energy being used.

Some people naturally respond to different energies. Those who are easily overloaded without even trying can feel the higher energies. Those who have serious problems trying to gather and feel psi, work better with lower energies. He suggested next time I find a newbie with this problem I should to try to teach them to feel the lower energies. He knew that I had been knighted and was going through a change. He said that this change was going to let me access more and stronger energy.

I wanted to be taught something so he had me learn how to control the glass wall. It wasn’t really glass. It was just very focused high energy being forced into a solid state so it seemed like it was made out of glass. First he had me gather energy of the sun. At first I didn’t want to, but I still was carrying that fear of being badly overloaded. I got over it and I could feel the erergy run through me. He had me envision the hallway and create a wall made out of glass. Then I sent energy to the corridor. My wall was weak and still in a “liquid” state. I could only get to partial solidify. My energy fell apart on me and I couldn’t gather and send anymore. It left me somewhat panting and drained.

He put his hand on my head for a minute and did not look totally happy. He said that I must be too unstable in this transforming process. He said that I would have to wait before doing this again. I was slightly whiny about this, but there was nothing I or he could, but wait. I was excused and I went to bed.

[JediKaren]

Trip 7
Although my original plan was to go to bed this night, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I was dead tired and I blamed it on this changing process. I swore I wasn’t resisting anything, but my head hurt. I hadn’t seen or talked to Calmista for a while and I really wanted to just be around her. I was in bed and laying done, not the position I like to ap. It’s too tempting to fall asleep in the middle of aping. But then again, wasn’t that the whole point?

I got myself to her door, knocked and was let in. We talked a bit. I sorta of got mad at her, I don’t remember why and almost left the room, but she got me to stay and sit on the bed. I realized that I was right in this metaphoric state. It’s like I’m made out of glass. I was once strong and yet breakable, but when I got knighted this glass was melted and I’m now in a liquid state. With peace and proper thinking I can be shaped into something much stronger and still be as transparent as glass.

As I sat there and Calmista explained all this to me I had my eyes closed picturing all of this. I felt and gather energy in me and felt the unsure, liquid state I was in. I spread this molten stuff so it covered the outer form of me and then mentally put steel like bars in various places to reinforce some spots so the glass couldn’t break. I was going to make the glass extra strong so it was unbreakable, but then I thought up a better idea. While don’t use my old defense for taking in blows. My defense is when you get hit in the face expect the same blow again and soon. Get yourself prepare for it and you can take it in easier. Using that logic I made the most outer layer rubbery and soft so an unseen mental attack would bounce off me rather than crack me.

At this time I was getting sleepy and my mind started wondering off. I kept trying to come back to Calmista, but I couldn’t focus long enough.

[JediKaren]

A More Normal Day
While I didn’t ap last night I felt that people should earn more about my normal life. I do have friends, go to school, and train in less obvious ways, but I know there are people out there that see me as some sort of god and I want to humble their, good, but unrealistic views.

The day started off horribly. I woke up at 4:30am to start and finish a Spanish project that was due first period. I suppose this makes it into the latest put off project contest. I walked into my kitchen, smelling cigarette smoke. I slightly gasped and went pale as I saw my mom on the floor, not moving. The idea of her dead or passed out flashed through my mind before I noticed she was snoring. I have to admit this was an all time low for her. It’s down right sad when you can’t make it out of the kitchen because you’re so drunk. I shook her, but she kept on snoring. I was tempted to go back to bed, but that project was a big one. Still pale, I went to the ‘puter and got online.

At 5am my project was done. it wasn’t my best work, but considering the situation it didn’t suck too much. Although my teacher may think other wise. Around this time my mom was waking up. She got up, staggered out of the kitchen and crashed into the coat closet. I uttered several curse words and went to check on her. She seemed ok and there was no blood. I went back to the ‘puter. LoneWolf was on and trying to comfort me, but there was little he could do. My mom made it to the bathroom and then back to the kitchen. There she smoked and highly irritated me. I was more worried and scared about her than angry. I got off the ‘puter and went to my room to hide and get ready for school.

Although I tried to pull off the “I’m ok” attitude, that quickly dissolved into tears and angry music. I left the house at 6:30. For Spanish call I slightly brighten up when I found out I barely had a B, but then dimmed when I stumbled and stuttered my way through presenting my project. At math my mood skyrocketed up towards to the sky when I read my grade sheet and saw a B. That meant I had all A’s and B’s for my report card! YES! After math my energy crashed and I spent the rest of the day yawning.

I came home to find my parents not home. I figured they went off shopping and would be back soon. The only problem I didn’t have my key and my parents would get mad at me if they saw me standing by the door looking pitiful I went over to my friend’s house and stayed there for a little while. I walked back home to find the parents were home.

I told them the awesome news and they weren’t as excited as they should have been. They won’t trust me until they see the report card. My brother, Jason, once lied to them and ever since they won’t believe it until they see it.

The evening was pretty quiet I was tired and off balance, literally. I somehow managed to ram my big toe into my flared jeans, tripped, and fell straight onto the floor knocking things off my shelf. My toe was hurting, but it was nothing compared to my pride. I haven’t fallen so badly since I was ice skating several years ago.

I continued being ungraceful and getting looks from my dad. I was able to get online and do the various chores I have to do. I run two sites, one being an older msn version of the other. The new site, The PSI World has been picking up on activity. It seems keeping a log of my training has inspired others to keep a log too.

I’m a mod on lightworkers and I must check out all sections and read all threads to make sure the rules are obeyed. I’m also member of Wingmakers message board. Sadly that site is sinking down into the depths of dead sites. Just in case I’m bored I have MSN messager up. I try to keep this on as much as possible so newbies can ask questions, I can ask better psionics questions and hope I can catch some other important people.

One of these important people would be Xan, also known as Craig. While I can’t talk about he training me, I can talk about him. I’m not sure if I like him or not. He’s very stubborn and makes my ego look small. He won’t tell me his history except for the fact he has been training since he was eight. I’ve linked with him so I know he’s not faking his abilities. Anyway I’m watching and studying him.

I always have newbies asking for help and advice. For a while things were quiet and I didn’t met anyone. For some reason they’ve come back. One of them was a guy whose name on my site called Liquid (I don’t know his name). I agreed that I would help train him, but not entirely. I just give him a direction to go and answer a few questions. I haven’t had much experience with teaching and to be honest I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Anyway I’m still learning and should be focusing on that, not teaching.

[JediKaren]

8th Trip
I was really awake for once and was in a mood to ap. I had a few options. I could go with the flow, go to Calmista, go to the main room or go back to that closet size room that Paul said was my room. I had to let myself think about this idea of having my own room. I was convinced I wouldn’t have one a room for a long time. Having a room was for “higher beings” and I wasn’t one of them yet.

I pictured the tight space I was in and directed my spirit there. The room didn’t get any bigger since I was there. Oh well, one can hope right? Paul said I could expand this room. I felt the walls with my mind and pushed. The room responded. I got the room big enough to sit. Then I pushed it further so I could walk around. Now I needed to put furnisher in it.

I’m not sure how this worked or even why, but all I had to do was think about what I wanted, what it looked like and where I wanted it. The first thing I wanted was a blue and red, leather, small couch. I also added two small cloth pillows. Then I added a wooden desk. I didn’t really like it because it looked too much like an office desk. I rounded off the corners and turned it green. I thought up two pants. One was tree like and the other was bushy like. I needed a lamp so I added one in a corner. That was good for now. I wanted to make the room seem like home, but one step at a time.

I walked out of my room and went to the glass wall. I sighed and wondered if I wasn’t allowed there and if so what was behind the glass. I turned around and decided that I should explore the doors around me. Being a good neighbor meant I had to introduce myself to the doors around me.

I picked the door opposite of me. I don’t know why, but I got really shy. I forced myself to the door and knocked. The door opened and I saw a Jedi from the Jedi council. I have to put in that I had watched the end of ep3, but the guy standing before me was dead in this part of the movie. What little courage I had was completely down the drain and all I could say was hi over and over. I seriously thought about stopping the ap session and going to bed, but that would look bad on me. I ended the nonexistent conversation by saying I just wanted to say hi. I ran for my room and dived into my couch before anyone saw me blush red and giggling.

There was a knock on the door. I blushed harder, as if that was possible. If it was the same guy, well I really didn’t want to answer the door. I gathered some shreds of nerves and opened the door. To my surprise and relief the guy who operated the “glass” walls was standing there.

He asked me how I was and I replied I was ok. I was still blushing and he asked if I had met the neighbor next to me. He noticed my reaction to that question and smiled. I was asked who this person was. I told him. He understood and explained to me what had happened. The neighbor like to imitate newbies. It was his version of fun.

That didn’t make me fell any better. He, glass guy, said most newbies did what I did. I felt worse. The truth is I don’t want to be like most newbies. I want to stand out. I want to be different. Jedi aren’t suppose to feel this way. We’re suppose to be happy with ourselves. You aren’t suppose to want more.

He commented on my room. I told him I was still working on it. I wondered about Calmista and if she knew I had a room and if I should invited her. He said that she was informed and would visit it in her own time. I wish I could show the room off when it’s finished. It was time to go to bed so I left.

[JediKaren]

I wasn’t going to ap this night. My parents wanted to go on a long drive to look at leaves and end the evening going out to dinner. This meant I would need plenty of sleep. I was fairly tired, but not quite tried enough to drift off to sleep. The more I thought about aping, the more awake I got. After a while I just gave up and tried to ap while in bed. As you know I don’t like to ap in bed because I run the risk of falling asleep in the middle of a session, but getting out of my warm comfortable bed wasn’t very pleasing eigher.

When I ap on the ground I always sit facing the window. Through my window you can see the next door neighbor’s house and most nights you can see a window with a light on. I use this window to center myself and calm my mind. Because I was sitting up in bed I didn’t have any window so I just tried to blank my mind out and just ap. My problem was I couldn’t gather energy. I tried several times, but I couldn’t feel anything. I checked everything I could, but nothing seemed to be wrong. Was I being blocked? By whom and why would I be blocked? I tried to ap and I couldn’t even ap to the side of my bed. I was starting to panic now. In a last chance attempt I moved onto the ground and tried to ap there.

As soon as I sat down on the floor I knew I was suppose to be here in the first place. I tried to ap. It seemed like I was trying this for the first time. I could barely make it there. I didn’t know what was going on. I tried to get to a healer, or Calmista but I couldn’t. I retested myself by seeing if I could ap to my room. I could do that, but once again it was hard.

I could feel something, possibly a presence trying to enter my mind. My defense system tried to block it, but the system lost. I mentally called out for Calmista. She told me to relax. I was no where near in a state of calm, but I took a few breaths. This feeling felt like energy. I could feel it vibrate around and in me. Calmista confirmed this. She said that it was a low energy. It was lower than the Force, but not white energy. I asked why couldn’t I ap. She said that I wouldn’t been able to feel this energy if I already had psi flowing through. I asked how was I suppose to gather it. She said not to worry about it. She was sending a constant stream of it to me. She wanted me to play around with this energy so I did.

I’m not sure how to explain it, but I feel and see like you do when rving everything in a different way. It was like seeing everything in a low quality, black and white movie. You didn’t feel the detail you would with psi. It was more like you got to feel the history of everything. You could feel the emotions of everything. Well not emotions. I knew this energy was one that you used with using empathy or telepathy. I stopped after a while. I had to go to bed. This time I went to sleep extremely quickly.

[JediKaren]

Mental Attack
My dad had decided to take the family out on a picnic on the Blue Ridge Mountains to go look at leaves and walk around. Because I’m a new driver he made me drive the whole way there and up the mountain. I can tell you that I hate driving on mountains. I can’t do the twisty turns very fast and my dad spent the entire time saying I was going to go off the road.

On the way there my dad spotted a sign for psychic reads. He started to go on in a joking tone about how he was going to become psychic seer if he ever needed money. He would do palm reading and tarot cards. I didn’t think this was very funny and got half mad at him. He didn’t have any psychic power that I was aware of. He might, and it’s tough to say, have some telepath. He’s not very consistent with it, but he does it enough that it can’t be luck.

The whole reason why real psionics aren’t trusted is because of those psychic seers. Everyone knows they are fake and are just fooling you into paying them big bucks for fake, false advice. I don’t have cable, but once a year I get to go down to the beach and there I get cable. I’ve seen the pet psychic show and I’ve heard about the others. It’s impossible to trust them. It’s so easy to have the “psychic” bribe the people to tell them what happened to the pet and why and make it sound like they never knew. Have you noticed she is never wrong and she never gives very strong details? A very well trained psionic can do that, but it’s very very hard and I don’t recommend it for a living. There are other ways to use your abilities that people will notice, but it won’t be in your face.

I had gotten home from the very long car ride. When I got home I started watering the plants and listening/ singing to music in my room. Suddenly I couldn't sing very strongly. I felt like I was half dizzy and tired (and yet not tired) or someone was trying to force me to be calm. I got online and soon Paul was on. I told him what was going on. I didn’t have a clue what this feeling was. He said I was being psychically attacked. We tried to think of who would do this. He suggested Xan. Paul said these attacks started when Xan offered to train me. I said no because Xan wasn’t online and I didn’t think he would or could do this. Plus, this felt different from every other attack. I suggested that maybe someone from the temple was trying to teach me something. Paul thought they may be teaching me to shield more ofter.

I tried to break off the bond like Paul had suggested, but I found myself too worn out to do so. I didn’t want to tell Paul that. I wanted to solve this on my own. So I used the bond to sense the person attacking me. I sorta half aped to this person and got out my lightsaber. I threaten the person, don't know who though, with a lightsaber at their neck. I told them I would do it if they did not break the bond. They did so. Then I got them to give back some energy. The person was half scared out of their pants at this point. I had to burn off some hair to get them to do want I wanted and told them not to come back ever. I think I got through. This all took about a minute.

I kept talking to Paul. I felt very drained and tired. Soon I could feel this slight pain and something almost buzzing around in the back of my head. I was worried this might mean something was wrong and I would have to get healed. I had three separate people scan my head. All of them reported something going on there, but nothing serious. LoneWolf offered to help calm and heal me. I let even though my defense system was wide awake and alert at this point. After a few minutes my mind settled down, but I still was tired for the rest of the evening.

I aped later. I went to Calmista’s room. At first I couldn’t ap very strongly. She invited me in. I told her I had been attacked. She knew about it. She said someone that was watching me had reported it. She asked if I was ok. I said that I was really tired. She too, checked my head out and said all was ok. I asked who could of done this. For a long moment I thought she had said “I did”, but it wasn’t in her voice. It took me a while to realize this voice was someone else.
I tried to figure out this voice, but I never did. The voice was male, not very low or high in tone. I demanded to know why they did this. They refused to answer me. I suggested that maybe I should be shielding more often. The person said that was just one reason of many. He said that I would know later on. I threaten to beat this guy up. He blew that off saying that I would turn to the dark side. It was true though.

When talking to that voice, yes I’m well aware that sounds wrong, I was in this void almost. I certainly wasn’t aping. I had to really focus to see Calmista again. She said that she hear everything I said. I blushed, but she no problem with it. She couldn’t and wouldn’t tell me who that was. She said that I should get some sleep and I would feel better in the morning.

[JediKaren]

Trip 9
In my house we have a fire place and I am in charge of making and tending the fire in the evening. When you light the fire it first is one huge flame, but as it burns all the kindling you need to collapse it (I use the teepee style of making a fire). If I build the fire the right way the fire will collapse itself.

Last night I was being lazy in that I didn’t want to get up to deal with the fire. In the past I have affected the fire by using my abilities, but it was rare and hard. Lately I’ve been practicing it with some success. For last night I need the left log to fall. I focused on getting the fire to burn enough so gravity would take over. The wood fell. I then focused collapsing the entire fire. It fell some what. I said to my dad that the right log needed to fall and before I could say that the log fell down. I’m not sure if I helped cause it to fall or not.

Later that evening I aped. I remember how I haven’t trained with my lightsaber for a long time. Paul reminded me that I had to work on my shields or lightsaber skills. I picked lightsaber because I’m not very fond of shields.

I sat on the floor saying in my mind that I wanted to ap to a place where I could practice my sword skills. Nothing happened. I wondered if no on wanted to train me. I also wonder if there was a reason why I wasn’t aping. Was I suppose to know where I should go? If so I didn’t know where. I thought about going to Calmista, but I remembered that I was a knight and knights don’t hang around their masters. Calmista wasn’t my master though. She was my guide and there was a difference. She still has more to teach me. I decided on going to the main room. Between the two choices the main room felt right.

I walked through the main heavy doors, into the big room and stopped to look around. I looked down at myself and wished there was mirror. As if someone heard my thoughts I saw myself in my mind. Oh gosh was I ridiculous! I had on loose brown pants and shirt. My pants were tucked into my tight, black leather, mid calf boots. I had gotten my hair cut two inches that day and it showed in my ap body. I had a cape on that came to my knees. It was made out of the same material everything else was. While it was not the same cape I was given when knighted I still rejected it.

I tired to change my clothes by tighten up the pants and shirt and getting rid of the rape. I couldn’t do any of it. Why must I be forced to wear this? I don’t hate the costume, I just want to change it.

Next I wanted a bench or something to sit on. A bench appeared near the wall. I looked at it wearily. I slowly sat down on it. A guy appeared out of no where and sat down next to me. He was tall and thin with a narrow face with graying hair and beard.

He knew I wanted to practice with my lightsaber. He wanted to fight here in this room. I was startled by this. I didn’t see this room as a place to fight. He said that those who I would fight don’t generally pick rooms where you’re suppose to fight. With that he whipped out his lightsaber and pointed it at my neck. It seemed to me that I slowly got out my lightsaber from my belt and turned it on.

The fight started. There was something about that psychic attack that woke a serious side in me. When I danced in real life I get into this no nonsense mood. I can show and even feel emotions such as fear or anger and not let them take over me. I was in this same state of mind when I was fighting him. I could feel psi trickle into me and I used it.

I remembered the box defense and thought I could attack him the same way. It would of worked had he not insisted that I use my left hand to fight. I tired to predict, using the force where his weak sides were. I was slow in reading, understanding and using this information though. The time I sped up he knew what I was doing and the surprise was ruined.

I was getting annoyed and decided to end this. I tried some new moves I created on the spot. First I did some fancy, for me, moves to flip sides so I was standing where he had been standing. He responded by attacking on all sides making it so I had to half spin to keep blocking him. I jumped up and over him while flipping my body in the air. That was so cool because I knew I could never do that in real life. I dumped the rule about only using my left hand and switched to my right, then both hands, left, right and both hands again. I increased my speed and was determined to hit him. I got home on the side and in a few moves I copied his starting move, my lightsaber was pointed at his neck.

He said that it was over and I could put away my sword. I told him he could go first. He praised me and put away his weapon. I followed him. He said I did well, but I should have followed the rules. I brought up the box offense. He said that was an old idea and even old for me. He showed me how to use a triangle defense that focused on the legs and the head. he also showed how to do a star attack where you attack the right leg, the head, the left leg, the right and left arm in that order. It was time to go. This all happened so quickly. It took less than 15 minutes.

[JediKaren]

Trip 10
I was deciding between the need for sleep and the need to ap. Aping won. I went to the main room. Generally I got to the right of the pillar in the middle of the room. Today I went to the left for a change. I sensed there was someone there that wanted to meet me. I could pick out this guy who was standing next to the pillar. I came close to him and stopped. He was old, and somewhat meant. He seemed to be nice and asked me to come closer. I did and I noticed he was studying the pillar. He asked me to do the same. There was writing on the surface of the pillar, but it wasn’t in English or a font that I could read. He said to try reading it with psi. I did, but I still didn’t understand it. He started to put his hands on my face, but I suddenly freaked out at him. I almost said to him “get your hands off me”. I caught myself and calmed down. I said I was sorry for that. I didn’t mean to bite his head off. I sighed and complained that I didn’t understand myself and it’s so much easier to understand everyone else. He seemed to have pity for me and asked me to come with him.

He suddenly disappeared and I could feel he went somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where. I told him to come back. He did and he realized I couldn’t ap like that. He took my arm and did this teleportation thing with me.

We were in a room with this huge map of the world. It was one of those maps that have bright green and blue showing the lands and oceans with a light behind the map to light it up. I looked that the map wondering what this had to do with emotions and self doubt.

Lights showed up all over the map. He explained that these dots showed where psionic leaders lived in the world. Some lights went off and some went on. They were mostly focused on North America and Europe. These where were my psionic friends lived. I knew a lot of people. He said that I need to find a way to unite all these leaders. The people at the temple understand that it’s impossible for me to do this in month or even a year. I looked at him. How could I do this? The psionics are divided into the technical and the spirituals and the two don’t like the mix. He said that I could it. I was left in great doubt.