My log, Aping

[JediKaren]

Trip 5
It was back to school night for the parents. I had almost 3 hours to do what I wanted. My only problem was I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. I knew I had to do lightsaber practice and I wasn’t looking forward to it. The first in real life session was short and bad. Maybe it went bad because I’m so advance that I expect myself to do well. It took me an hour and a half to cheer up enough to train.

The training session took less than 15 minutes. I spent much of the time giggling and feeling really stupid. I had no one to fight and I was “too old” to pretend someone was fighting me. I finally got myself to settle down. I worked with both hands. I’m horrible with my left because I’m very stiff with it. I trust the sword rather than glide it. I’ve also decided for defense you want to use underhand swings and overhand for offense.

At 8:45 I had fallen back into my depression. I felt that I couldn’t do anything right. I lied on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I could feel the tug, a pull, a need to sit on the floor and ap, but I didn’t know where or who to go. Calmista , I felt could or would offer me nothing and I was sick of running to her when I was unhappy. I didn’t really know anything at the temple. I ha no friend my age or older than me.

I don’t know how, but somehow that pull dragged me to the floor. It was half unconscious on my part. Maybe it was a stream of psi sent at me. I used the same “I want to go” method of aping. I very quickly found myself in a small office. A guy was sitting behind the desk. It was the same guy that asked me months ago what did I was to be.

I lowered my head and looked at the floor in shame. I had to be here because I was in trouble. I need to be talked to. I hated that. I like to be in control of thing and can be trusted not to screw up. To be here was a sign of unworthiness. I was, in some ways right about being in trouble.

He hit upon some painful subjects like college and my brother. He said that I shouldn’t worry so much about college. They’ll notice me. They’ll see notice my charm in my writing. As for my brother, Jason, well these abilities ran in the family from my father’s side. Jason could unconscious ap to the temple and it was just a matter of time of when he noticed it.

It turns out that I used to ap to the temple when I was little. It was disguised in dreams so my young mind wouldn’t be scared. You have to remember I was incredibly shy back then. Calmista use to play with me and encourage me to gather the force. She would make sure that I associated psi with a good feeling. No wonder why psi has always felt natural and good to me.

He said for lightsaber training I was on the right track even though it didn’t feel like it. This practice would lead to something. It was like ice skating. Right now I could barely stand on my two feet and have a hard time getting up because I wasn’t use to this.

For Calmista he asked that I give her more respect. I don’t treat my teachers aply or in real life the way I treat my parents. Calmista is my guide, a teacher, not my mother. She’s been patient with me, but she’s wearing out. That’s why she’s been putting distance between us.

I asked about this new aping method. He said it was too complex for me. I told time to try me. He said that it was like teleportation in the fact that you mostly think your way there, but you teleport your soul, not your body. I’m also being guided by streams of psi being sent to me. I complained about how I really want a central place to ap to. The problem was the room that I used for training were spread out and I would get lost trying to get to one. I suggested maybe having a little closet like room that was near each room. All I have to do is to ap myself to that room and have the teachers see to it that I do to the right closet. He said that could been done.

I was starting to space out. I could myself and got annoyed for my lack of focus. I had written an article about this, so you would think I could do what I teached. I requested with a good idea that I was going to hate this, that I could get practice with this skill. He said yes if I would do 40 minutes of hard, intense work. I agreed. My parents came home then and I had to quickly stand up and stop aping. When I went to bed I was much calmer and happier.

[JediKaren]

Trip 6

I get the feeling there isn’t going to be another peaceful hour until I have gotten through the SATs and college selecting. I think I’m going to go through ever emotion known to women. I hope these guides can understand and forgive me of my random outbreaks of tears, anger, and depression.

At school I was pretty happy. Nothing major had happen, but when I found out my GPA was 2.8 my heart fell. I wasn’t dead, but I swore I had done better. At home my dad started overloading me with things to do. I am also banned from the internet and my social life until this is all over. Well I guess I’ll have to go to plan B. Paul won’t like it, but I don’t really have a choice.

I it was right before dinner when I was racing to get my math homework done when the light started flickering. I thought it was Calmista and I mentally said “Look master, I’m busy. You’ll have to wait”. As I look back I can’t help but laugh. I felt this presence and it didn’t feel like Calmista. I asked if this was her. I was told no. I remembered the fact that I was being watched and realized this was a lightsaber teacher. I asked and I was correct.

My mood went from annoyance to shock to awe to happiness. I didn’t know who this person was or why and how I got picked, but I didn’t care. I had achieved this with no work involved on my part. I felt this need to run around the house and dance about. I tried to get some homework done, but my concentration was gone.

Once again I went to bed depressed because my dad was hammering in how I would have to work my butt off. I made myself ap. I could feel this new teacher guide my ap body to this room. I saw the guide. She had short straight blond hair, a young face, in her 20’s, wore off white pants and shirt and a hint of seriousness and sternness in her appearance.

She ordered me to sit. We started talking. She did most of the talking She wouldn’t let me talk until she was done. I glared (in a respectful way) at her, but she didn’t care. I was asked to gather the Force, but I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t get my mind to settle down. She wouldn’t let me skip this. I asked if I could just stop. I was tired, not in the best mood and I needed sleep. She said yes, but I would have to do this the next time. We also agreed on how I could tell the difference of the calls of the guides. Calmista would give one flicker and the new guide would give two. I gave up, got up and went to bed. The only regret I have is I never got her name.

[JediKaren]

Trip 7

This was a short trip due to the fact that I had been sick all day. I had slept most of the day and was going in and out of fevers. When I sat down to ap I had to figure out where and why I was going. I decided on Calmista. Once there, she had me sit on the bed. As I suspected I wasn’t allowed to train until I was back to full health, but she did ask that I go back to gathering a bit of the Force once a day. I use to do this a year ago in the hopes of strengthening my mind and abilities. She then led me to a healer and was told to go to bed.

One of the weird things about that day was while I was sick enough to not be able to gather psi, I could foresee things. It was right before dinner when I decided I might feel better if I got into some real clothes. I suddenly thought that when I get my pants out dinner would be called. I sorta laughed at that, thinking nothing of it. Sure enough, when I lay my pants on the bed my mom had called dinner. Then when I went to bed I had a feeling that I was going to wake up several hours later running a fever. This was partly based on my knowledge that fevers tend to go up in the late hours of the evening. I woke up at one clock in the morning cold. I tried to warm up, but I knew it was hopeless. I got out of bed and immediately started shivering uncontrollably. I told Tylenol and went back to bed to shiver more.

I could hear Calmista in my head and knew she was close. She talked me into controlling my shivering. This is a skill I taught (possibly with Calmista’s help) myself back 6 or so years ago. The trick is to order yourself to just stop shivering and then focus on a warm spot. Image the heat traveling through your body and you’ll warm up. The problem was I created so much heat that I was starting get too hot. I directed the heat through the mattress which helped some, until I had a very hot mattress and blankets to lay on. I wanted to kick off the blankets, but Calmista wanted them on. After half an hour of slight sweating she gave me the ok. The Tylenol had kicked in and I soon fell asleep.

[JediKaren]

Trip 8

I aped right inside Calmista’s room. Usually I’ll ap to her door if I don’t think she knows I’m coming. I wasn’t in the best of moods. I was tired of being sick, my dad was mad at me for something stupid, and I was uncertain about the upcoming training.

To calm down and focus she had me sit on the floor and concentrate on only feeling psi. as I gathered psi I felt dizzy and caught myself trying to force psi to come to me. I relaxed and opened myself to its flow. It was very calming and cleaning exercise. It gave you the feeling when you come out of the bathtub from a long hot soak. Strangely enough my favorite (and only time I can remember) to feel the Force was right after a bath. After several minutes of doing this I felt I was ready.

Calmista did this jump ap and brought me to a room with matted floors. I was told to lay down by this guy. He keeled by my head and Calmista was by my side. He placed his hands on my head and began.

At first my head was buzzing, almost painfully. The sensation lessen and traveled down to my neck. It then turned into this feeling heaviness and tireness. It felt like thick paint sliding down my body. This strange feeling went to my head and I got lost in the feeling. The guy reminded me to stay focused. I reached for that center place within you that is calm, focused, and alert, but it too seemed to be washed away. I was tired and ready to go to bed. He stopped and let me go.

[JediKaren]

Trip 9
Calmista warned me earlier that evening that my lightsaber teacher Lori (pronounced with a hard I) would be teaching me. Force once I was in a good mood and was feeling better. Right before I went to bed she, Lori had me warm up mentally by dancing to some what fast songs. I was bored with my old moves and played around with my foot work and balance.

Trying out new moves can be especially hard and discouraging for me. I kept my spirits (no joke intended) up, knowing with three weeks of practice and I would have it down. After that I would be bored and looking for something new to try out.

When it was time for bed my dad had gone out somewhere giving me a chance to have a peaceful session. I was always convinced that my parents are going to check on me one night and see me sitting on the ground. Lori had also told me that the people at the temple had gotten the closet system up and running. I was to ap in one, step out and look for her.

I did as told and saw her. We went into a room on my left that was right next to the closet. She stressed the importance of bowing. For some reason I hate it. I don’t mind at all showing respect, but bowing, in my opinion is not the way to do it. It doesn’t help that I’m a “rich” spoiled American.

She had me sit and go back to feeling and holding the Force around me. Yay, I could do it!!! She then had me stand up and continue the exercise. I was told to pit my hand on the hilt, but not to grip it or anything. I could feel the lightsaber. I felt the weight and the metal. This was my lightsaber. This was my life, my love. I had read and was now hearing from her that the hilt could tell you a lot about the owner. What crystal was used. There could of the crystal come from? What pattern was used to make the lightsaber? What could you sense from it?

She gave me hers to hold and feel with psi. It reeked her all over. I looked at mine. I was given this one. There was nothing personal about this lightsaber. Lori told me that I would make my own someday.

I activated the sword. I love that blue blade. It looks so authentic. You look at it and can tell this blade can do some true damage. It’s not that I want to harm anything, but I have to admire it from an artistic point of view.

The lesson ended there. My teacher didn’t want to tire me out. No homework, no instructions except if Calmista had something to say. I finally had a good lesson. Maybe things aren’t as dark as they seem when you’re sick and under stress.

[JediKaren]

Trip 10
It seemed that Calmista was abusing the warning system for she wouldn’t stop blinking my lights. Ignoring her just made it worse. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I was racing to get homework done, which I had a lot of. I gave up once I was done with my Spanish I closed my eyes and listened to her. She wanted me to gather the Force and send it to different things and people. Not too long after she went crazy with the lights again. This time she wanted to tell that the council wanted to talk to me this evening. Yikes! Talk about no warning there! I sorta didn’t want to go. I’m still convinced in some way the council is going to “bite me”. Calmista promised me they wouldn’t. About three minutes later the leader of the council asked that I come! Wow.

When it was time I sat down, but paused nervously. I didn’t want to do this and yet I knew I had to. I talked myself into just aping to Calmista’s room. She was waiting her room for me. She knew I was nearly shaking, but she lead me to door of the council and had me go in alone.

I entered and found myself in a dark narrow and short hallway. I knew it was short because I could see light at the other end. I walked towards the light. The hallway lead to a mid size room with a big screen tv and people sitting in chairs around the tv. I noticed that now I could tell there were actual people and not just me sensing someone there. Right and in the back of the tv was were the leader was. He invited me to sit next to him. That really made me feel nervous.

He started out being polite and asking how I was. He asked about training and got me to talk about how I’m not completely happy with my training. I needed to figure out what it meant to be a Jedi so others will know. I gave limits to what I think a Jedi should do and not do. I realized something as I talked. They were checking up on me and my progress. They knew something about my future and as I talked I was verifying that I was on tract. This encouraged me somewhat to keep on talking. He asked me what skills I would need to be this new type of Jedi. I said tp, empathy and scan, duh. I suppose tk, but I consider that skill as a show off skill and one of laziness. Why lift something with your mind when you can simply get up and get it yourself? I needed to understand how the Force flows and works with communities. Lightsaber skills are a must even though I plan on not using it. I feel that over showing and using a lightsaber will give the wrong impression to the public. He added that I needed to understand how communities use the Force to gain and grow, but also how psi works with two or more psionics.

At this point he said that he was told. I was shocked and slightly angry. I got all worked up with lack of nerves to be told that? Couldn’t some lower guy on the chain of power told me that? These people were powerful, high and mighty people that shouldn’t be wasting time with me! He said that he and the council were not high at all. There is a council group for each planet and councils for groups of planets and one council for the entire galaxy. But I shouldn’t worry about that because those groups were too advance and if I tried to meet one I wouldn’t be able to see or hear anything.

He asked me to stay for a little bit and watch the movie they were watching. I agreed. He stretched out and out an arm on my chair. This slightly freaked me out, but I said nothing. In a vague sense he felt like a father or someone I knew well and stretching out like that was a sign of affection. I wasn’t sure about how much this feeling made sense. I focused on the movie which was in black and white and very very old. It was about the ocean and the discoveries man has made about it. It was on facts that even I knew and I couldn’t figure out why they were watching this. He said that the ocean is a mystery to them and movies can reveal overlooked things. He said that it was time for me to go to bed. I joked saying that I would just toss and turn thinking too much. He suggested that I picture the ocean and myself floating on it until I fell asleep. I did try this and it worked.

[JediKaren]

Trip 11
I sat down getting myself ready to train. I was determined to be polite and well behaved this time. I was thinking about going to Calmista because I didn’t know where to go. This idea of the main room on the first floor popped into my head and I found myself in that room. I stood there wondering why was I here and how did I get here.

A man walked up from behide me. I saw a quick glance of him and half jumped back in surprise and fear. I looked at him more closely and I saw that his skin was a dark tan, with dark brown black eyes and hair. He had on a dark brown robe. He gave off this uneasy feeling. I couldn’t name it at first. Like there was something dark and dangerous about him. I asked “what do you wish of me?” rather than rudely saying “what do you want?” He said that he had something to show me, but he wouldn’t go into details. I looked around and saw some people looking at us and some talking to others. I looked at the guard at the door. He had this look of seriousness and sternness, but I didn’t sense any threat towards this guy next to me. So I said I would come.

He led me to the stairs and started climbing them. He had us climb five flights of stairs or 5 levels. He stopped at the door of the fifth floor. I had never been on this level and wasn’t sure if I was allowed. I didn’t trust this guy for the feeling he gave off. I asked him if Calmista knew about this. He said no. I threatened to go right to Calmista. He said that I couldn’t open the door to the second level. I thought for sometime. I need to trust the people here more, but for what I knew this could be a test and following this guy would have me fail. I didn’t have a clue what was right, but I finally decided. I said that I would go, but should I feel threatened I could stop aping at any time and go to bed. He agreed to these terms, but asked that before I go I give him some time to explain. I agreed to that and he opened the door for me to walk in.

I found myself in a big room with a matted/carpeted floor. On the sides of the room were lots of doors. He said this was where they study, meditate, and heal. I joked that of course healing, no level was complete without some healing place. What they mostly studied here was societies and how they grow and fall. Well I can now say that I passed the test at the council or else I wouldn’t be here. Before I could start studying he said that I would need to mentally be in shape. For that to happen I would need to meditate.

He had me sit down on the floor and he knelt down in front of me. He took my right hand and rubbed and massaged it. He went up and down my arm. I was really cold in real life. I asked if he minded if I got something warm on. He said yes and I broke the connection for a minute. As I tried to go back I keep getting these chills. I wasn’t sure if it was because of him or was I just cold.

He worked on my right arm and then the left. He came around me and massaged my back and neck. I swear I was purring. He did more touching and stuff. I was so relaxed, but not to the point of sleep, just enjoying myself. He had me lie down and he put my head in his lap. He had me totally relax. He said he was going to lift my body up. He would not drop me and then place me under three little blocks of wood. I slightly felt energy around me and felt somewhat lighter. He had blocks of wood for my head, butt, and feet.

He had me lay there like that until I was calm. He asked me to lift my feet towards the ceiling. That was hard because it stressed certain muscles and he wanted my body relaxed. The more I strain the more I’m likely to have my body sink and fall of the blocks. He helped me by lifting my feet and hold them. He would pull my legs towards my body. He stopped that after a while and ordered me to sit up. The limit was I could only use my upper body strength. My legs had to be relaxed at all times. If you have ever done this you’ll know this is not easy and uses a lot of abs strength. I tried it several times and got it. He then had me lay back down. Now this was hard. You had to lower yourself very slowly to not miss the block of wood for your head. It’s hard to control such a movement. He let me go after a few times. When I stopped aping I lay down on the floor and tried to do what I had just done. It was probably easier doing it aply. I couldn’t even sit up the entire way.

[JediKaren]

Trip 12
With a rough night involving my mom getting drunk I spent the day not in the best moods. I was somewhat calmer when I sat down than I had been an hour ago, but it took several minutes of sitting with my head in my hands to get myself somewhat near being ready to train. My first problem was I didn’t know where to go. I knew the man from last night wasn’t done with me, but he didn’t tell me where to meet him for tonight. So I decided to leave my destination open so he could direct me to where ever he wanted.

My second problem was I couldn’t get out of my body. I blamed it on my mental condition and still kept trying. Suddenly I heard his voice in my head the same way Calmista likes to talk to me. He said that I wasn’t going to ap tonight, but learn how to meditate. He first asked me to focus on my family. I very quickly figured out that he wanted me to face my fears. I didn’t want to do this, but he wouldn’t quit. He asked me to pick one family member and think all about them. I told him that none of them were good.

My first pick was my dad. I thought about how he had been in the war and had gone to college. He was angry and he went to work which made him angry. I stopped there because in my head I could see images of what I was describing. The guy had me continue. I thought about how my dad likes to hike, read and build stuff. My dad was always picking on someone to yell at and drove away my brother.

I then moved on to my mom. She was legally blind and depressed. She smoked a lot, too much for my comfort. These days she was listening to books on tape for entrainment. She use to write a lot of Japanese. She did all the cleaning and cooking for the family. She also was getting drunk a lot.

Finally I moved on to the most painful member of the family, my dear brother, Jason. Even now my eyes are starting to water. I hated him, loved him, teased him, got him into trouble, and fought with him. He was 9 years older than me and he left the house after a huge fight with my dad 7 years ago. He took me to parks when I was little, played with me, watched star wars with me when I was really young. He was either barely passing or failing high school. I could remember the day he graduated from high school. I can remember going to his college and crying when we had to go back.

My mood was still dark and my feelings towards my family where black. I saw little good in them, the family. The guy said that there was good in them and pointed out that my mom did the cooking for the family and my dad went to work so I could have the clothes that I was wearing right now. He asked me how psi flowed in the family. At first I said that it didn’t flow at all. The psi in my family was dark and untrusting. To gather it was like trying to see in a fog. The guy said that it did flow and my perception was too angry for me to see it. I knew this. I was talking to him very informally, using quite a bti of slang, no curse words of course, that I would of never used while talking online or with a friend. I knew this wasn’t good and Paul would have a field day if I kept this up. I promised to the guy that I would cheer up as much as possible, but I didn’t know how.

I was asked to sit up straight and relax. I did so. I was to breathe and blank out my mind. I did so. While I wasn’t picturing anything, my rebellion mind refused to shut up those little side thoughts. I could, with a lot of effort, shut those thoughts up for less than a minute. My mood did improve though and I became more peaceful. Psi naturally came to me, but it didn’t do anything. I didn’t order it to, nor was asked to do anything with it. He made me stay this way for an unknown period of time. At the end of it I was asked to try again with the sitting up while relaxing your legs thing. Like the night before this was much harder than one would think and somehow he could tell I was using my legs and arms. He would make me stop, lie down and try again. He had me stop after a while and I went to bed.

[JediKaren]

Trip 13
The whole weekend went horribly. My mother would get drunk in the early mornings and I would wake up and know. I would fall back into that horrible depression that made me unbarely to people like Paul, who were probably sick of it. On Monday I did a very hard thing to do. I emailed Paul explaining to him that for two weeks I wasn’t going to talk to him. I had become dependant on him and this greatly annoyed him. For two weeks I now will stand on my own two feet and see what this does. I hope that I don’t anger anyone with this decision. Now on to the training.

I was about to go to bed when my dad had discovered a huge rip, cut, not sure what to call it on my cat, Calico. The cat didn’t seem to be in pain, but I had noticed for some sort of time there was something a little off with her. We will take her to the vet to get that stitched up.

I sat down desperate to find Calmista and ask her how can I heal my cat. I tried as hard as I could to ap to her room, but I just couldn’t. I tested my abilities by seeing if I could get out of my body at all. I could, to my great relief. I then tried to go to the main room and I succeed. A man introduced himself once I was there. I suppose he knew why I was there for he did not seem surprised in anyway. He lead me to a healing room.

He took my arm and made a slight scratch on my arm. It didn’t hurt, although it looked like it should of. He then took my arm, placed his hand on the wound, explaining to me that you could try to touch the wound if possible or get as near as you can. He sent energy through my arm. He stopped and “un”healed the cut.

He had me place my left hand over the wound. I was to image the wound in my head. The point here, because I’m a detail freak, is to heal the wounded cells. On a deep cut it would be important to focus on bringing those cells together. Pain is caused by nerves screaming at the brain that something is horribly wrong and needs attention. If you can stop the pain nerves from reaching the brain you can stop the pain.

I focused sending psi to my arm. I told the arm to heal and I could feel it working. He had me stop after a while. For my cat he suggested that I wait until we’ve taken her to the vet and let them sew up the wound. Then put the cat to sleep or close to possible before I start healing.

I thanked him and asked if he could meet up with Calmista and find out why she will not talk to me. He said that he would. I left after that.

[JediKaren]

Trip 14
The night before this and last night I had been suffering from a headache. The pain would start from nothing, in the back of my head. This made aping painful and difficult. The night before I was unable to reach Calmista the night before and on my own, went to a healer. Last night I could. When I entered her room, my headache almost went away. She first checked out my head and decided this was beyond her and I best go to the third floor. She walked me there. Calmista had some trouble getting me to go once I got out of her room. The pain had returned and I didn’t want to do anything than stand there. She had me walk through the door to the third floor and closed it before I had time to react. I was annoyed at her, but not for long due to the pain in my head.

I was now left with a choice of what to do. There were three healing hallways and one hard to get to training hallway. The first hall was for not too serious problems and the others were for things like that surgery I went through. I thought about going to the training one, but I realized I was in no shape to.

I walked through the hallway, passing by tons of doors. There was one on the right that seemed to call me. I went in. Although the intensity of the pain went down when I first entered, it skyrocketed as soon I was inside the room. All I could do was stand there, eyes shut and wish it could go away. These two people came and half dragged me to this room where I sat down in a chair. Some lady came in and forced me to open my eyes and to keep them open. Then they lifted my head and without much warning stuck a needle in the back of my neck. It didn’t exactly hurt, but I could feel it. The needle went in deep, although there was never any blood or hole. I hate needles and I had a good mind to get away from these people. They held me still. The reaction took quicker than I thought. I suddenly relaxed and was tired beyond reason. It took me a while to figure out what had happened. They had already started working with my head. I wanted to go to bed, but they won’t let me. Finally I was allowed to go.

[JediKaren]

A Talk
I was talking to a good psionic friend I’ll call Yarvin. We were talking about Jedi and about me. He said that I was a shadow Jedi. A shadow Jedi is a Force sensitive person who is on no side, bound to no rules or code and pretty much do what they please. They can use both sides of the Force without either side taking over them. I argued that I couldn’t be one. I had always thought of myself as a true, pure light Jedi. I considered shadow Jedi to be beneath me. These people, in my opinion, were unstable, not loyal and not to be trusted. To find a balance between dark and light would be nearly impossible and have horrible effects on the person.

I aped to Calmista in some of the best moods you’ll ever see me, even Calmista was surprised and happy. I calmed down enough to do some serious discussing. She said that I wasn’t a pure light Jedi, but nor was I a shadow Jedi (or also known as Rouge Jedi). I was what you called a Grey Jedi. Grey Jedi are people that have received formal training in the light or grey Jedi way. They are bound to a loose set of rules and code which is mostly “do what you feel is right”. The Light Jedi don’t really like the Grey, but are able to tolerate them. Greys can survive in very rough conditions and can face and live to tell about the dark side. Although they can withstand going to the darkside for very brief periods it will leave a huge mark on them. If a Light Jedi did this it would end up destroying them.

The truth is I never felt that the Light Jedi was me. I had been through too much to be that good and innocent. I had been too angry and scared. I have fallen in love and painful broke up. I had broke the main “don’ts” and I never turned. No Light Jedi could do this. I still was bound to rules like someone had super glued me to them. This idea of being grey seemed to fill in this definition I had been trying to figure out.

Calmista said that half of my teachers had been grey and the other half had been light. The greys tended to be the warriors and the lights were healers and of the meditation teaches (the last guy was not a light though). Both sides could stand me. I didn’t ask what side was Calmista on because I had a feeling she wouldn’t of told me, but I get the feeling it’s more on the grey side.

I went to bed happy for once, but not quickly. Oh well, you can’t have it all.

[JediKaren]

Level 4 Trip 1
I’m now in what seems to be constant good mood. I feel so complete these days. I’m so happy and confident with myself. I know what I’m doing and know I can do it. The other day I was driving my parents to a restaurant and I literally foresaw everything. It was so weird, but cool. I usually don’t do this, but when I do, I’ll foresee everything single little event that day.

Early in the evening the lights were going at it, and despite that fact that I was racing to get homework done, the lights wouldn’t stop. I stopped what I was doing, closed my eyes and listened. I was asked to ap to the main room this evening. When it came time I did what I was told and showed up in the main room.

The room was strangely empty, except for the guard at the door. I wondered around, not sure what to do. I did sense something or someone in the right hand corner. I went over there and only saw this dark lump of something. The lump turned out to be a man. He was darkly dressed and had a dark aura around him. It was like this was a guy that had live in darkness for so long that some of the darkness had rubbed off on him. He, himself, wasn’t evil, but I still did not trust him.

We argued over if I should trust him. He was very good with words. He could easily back you into a corner and force you to think. He mostly asked questions. He seemed to be extremely observant and could look through me like I was made out of glass. He was also good at getting a response out of me, but asking the right question. He knew how to get me angry enough to respond even though I was sitting there, blushing. My anger got to a point were I had to force myself to get some control.

He seemed to be very use to the temple. I could tell he had been here for a long time. I asked if he had been there as long as Calmista and he said a lot longer than Calmista. I realized that I didn’t have a clue to how long Calmista had been here. He had me guess. I said 40 years. I was close, it was fifty.

He was having fun pointing out the ugly fact of how impatient I am. I thought the main room was a good meeting place and I would go there and be taken away to another room. After all that’s what been happening every other time. If you were going to going to spend any time in this room you would do it to think over something private. This was not a room to teach in or discuss something. I really couldn’t think of a reason why you could talk here so I couldn’t argue any further. Throughout the conversation I had to put down the fire of wanting to do something other than this. This guy wasn’t really bad, although the feeling of darkness never did go away. I tried to scan him a few times, but like my thoughts and moods he could feel my touch with psi. He told me plainly that I wouldn’t be able to scan him. Stubbornly I tried to, but true to his words I couldn’t get it.

I couldn’t help but notice how bold and brave I had gotten. I wasn’t nervous anymore, when left alone at the temple. I could do things and not worry about them. I felt like I could hold on my own with most people there. Maybe I’m getting a little cocky, but maybe that’s good.

[JediKaren]

Trip 2
That evening the lights only slightly flickered for a little bit. I stopped what I was doing and listened, but no one answered. I swear the lights were getting darker as the evening wore on. I could feel this feeling, almost, darkness around me. Like something heavy in the air. I had to wonder if this was being done by the same guy from the last ap.

Bedtime came and I settled down to ap. My first try didn’t go at all. I just couldn’t get out. Then the phone rang. The phone rarely rings at that hour. It was some stuff poll person. Grrr. I aped again and this time had much better luck.

I decided to go to the main level again. I was a bit nervous to meet the guy again. He wasn’t the most pleasant person to hang around. The room was empty. No one was anywhere to be seen. Weird. I did feel this presence. It felt like it wanted me to follow it. So I did. I was being led to the end of the right hand hallway to a door on the right. I walked in and the presence closed the door behind me.

I was in a huge room with nothing in it. In fact I really couldn’t see the room very well. I scanned the room with the Force and sensed something or someone in the left hand corner. I went over and found someone there, not moving. I poked him. Yeah, I know it’s rude and immature to poke someone you don’t know. I jumped back when the guy moved. I got a chance to look at him. By the Force was this guy…ugly. There’s no way to put it. To be polite I’ll say that I was shocked beyond belief.

I asked if he were the same guy as the night before. He said yes. I thought this was why he kept himself hidden the last visit. He asked if I saw him like the last night would I of talked to him? I said no. I mean I barely trusted him before and that would have pushed it too far. He mentioned the fact that I came back. I told him that he hadn’t given me any reason not to trust him. He hadn’t harmed me and I sense that there was a very good reason why I was here. I couldn’t trust him, because I didn’t know who he was and why he was interested me in. He smiled and said that he would answer one of them. He picked the one about who he was.

He was once a long time ago, a Jedi. He had been a Jedi for most of his life. He had gotten disgusted with the ideas of the Jedi path. He felt that the dark side had more to offer. So he went over. It was the evil and darkness that had disordered his face and gave him a dark aura. In his last few days of his life he turned back. He wouldn’t go into reasons why. He was respected by all people here at the temple, but people gave him space. He was an outcaste by his own choice.

I processed this and realized that this guy was a lot like me, or should I say I was a lot like him. True, I hadn’t turned to the dark side, but I had lived in darkness long enough to know what is was about. This was why he was interested in me. He had been through what I was facing and dealing with.

He announced that he had something for me to do. He was going to leave in this room for ten minutes alone. I was to sit in the fair and relax. I was not to leave the room. Should I fail I would have to sit through a lecture.

It didn’t help that I was tired and was ready for bed. It was like when someone says “don’t think of a purple elephant” and you have to think of one. I was now dieing to get up from the chair and explore the room. I forced myself to sit. I focused a recent memory of the mood. We just had a full moon the night before. I then started daydreaming. I was calm and relaxed.

He tapped me on the shoulder and I “woke” up from the daydream. I had passed, but I didn’t really reach the goal he wanted. He wanted me to meditate. The visit was over at this point and my ap body returned to me.

[JediKaren]

As some of you know I'm going/living through a rather messed up family. Recently I found out who I was (grey Jedi and all) and that really helped me out. But two days ago my life fell apart again and I'm not even sure why.

My father is tough and rough. He wants control over the family, but at the same time he wants to pretend that everyone has a say. So he tries to give my mom a say, but of course not me. I'm just the kid and couldn't say anything worth while. My mother is so depressed/doesn't care about the world around her/smokes all the time that she doesn't want a say. In fact most of the time she ignore my dad and me. Although I have learned to live with this and not let this get to me, my dad hasn't. He gets angry at my mom for ignoring us. He saids that she has to parpicapted in the conversation. I know he has a good point, but I can also tell she will never agree with him.

Two nights ago I was helping my dad try to fix the 'frige. He asked my mom something and she didn't care way one or the other and was just agreeing to anything he said. He started yelling and cursing at her. I got extremely defensive and told him to shut up. He said I wasn't part of this. I told him oh yes I am. I'm part of this family. My mother took his side and said that I didn't know what I was talking about. Wow I'm a natural empathy and scanner and I don't know what I'm talking about?

I stormed off to my room cursing my family out. I was ready to go kick my dad hard for being such a (can't say it on this site). My dad called me back and I refused to come. There was no way I was going to help some jerk like that. My mom came in and said I should go help my mom. I told her she was letting him get away with this! She was giving in. She should demand an apolgie for what my father said. She said she didn't want one. What the?!?! I told her, out of anger, that she was a weak moron. Then I went off to help my dad. I sat down on the floor while he was getting stuff and started crying. I couldn't help it. I was trying to help this family and no one wanted me to!

That night I cried a lot as I tried to reach my guide. I had to call her out verbally and have her calm me down. She was very nice and got someone to calm me down further and then put me to sleep.

Yesterday was a day full of mixed emotions. I was angry, tired, hyper, upset and everything in between. I went to the temple and there a guy talked to me, trying to bring some hope and light back into my life. He had me promise him that I would do better. I wouldn't be so down and I would focus on bringing light and hope to others as my signature says. I really did lighten up, but not for long.

Appareantly there was some sort of arguement going on that I was not aware of because I was aping. All I heard was, and forgive me of the language F*** You! said by my dad. My whole happy mood collapsed in 10 seconds flat. I didn't even have time to process anything. I fell right back into depression. I couldn't ap, I didn't want to ap. I just was curled up into bed feeling really hurt

I just want some peace for two days straight! Is that too much? ARG it's not fair! I can't train when I'm like this! I'm trying to get some control over my life and the more I try, the less I get.

[JediKaren]

Therapy
After days and days of shutting Calmista and everyone out I finally gave in. I’m not sure why but I have been very angry at everyone. I have no real reason. I’m not pmsing, at else I don’t think so. I just know that I will bite off anyone’s head that gives me the slightest reason to. I cried a good long while. Xan got online, but just after he was typing something my dad told me it was time to get off and I never got to see he typed, which didn’t help my mood. I knew Calmista was in my room. I also had a feeling someone else that is important was in the room watching me. That made me nervous and made it hard to dance. Calmista was the one to suggest that I danced to music. Maybe she wanted to show off my dancing skills, or maybe just to calm me down. Eigher way I calmed down.

Bed time came and I sat down to ap. I didn’t do it right away. I wasn’t sure if they would want to see me. It was kinda hard to tell who liked who. I wasn’t sure if they were mad at me or was I the one who wouldn’t hear them. Should I show my face there? Would they understand all the stress I’m going through? Would they want to keep training me? Would they get angry at me? Would they help me? What sort of help would I have to go through?

I didn’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I did know this. I would never know until I went there. The most Calmista could do is tell me not tonight or something. Of course that’s painful as anything and that would ruin our trust and relationship.

I collected my nerves and decided to go to the main first room. Hopefully there would be someone there to meet or talk to me. If not I would go to Calmista’s room. I was still depressed with my life and only had half my control over my emotions. As the doors opened up and the guard said hi to me I kept my head down in despair and shame. I was no Jedi. I couldn’t be quiet and peaceful. I couldn’t even stick to the training I swore to do some months ago.

I wondered around the room. Ever since I met that weird old guy I have been weary of corners. I stood by a wall, sulking and feeling confused and lost. This pleasant type of guy came from behind me. I’m getting sick of people popping up from no where. Maybe I trust my abilites to sense people too much. Anyway he knew I needed help. He offered to help me. I agreed and followed him down the left hall. I remembered that the end room was were I first met the council. He said that I wasn’t going there today. I sensed that I might meet them soon. I hope not. I’m not in mental or spiritual shape to see them. He lead me to this room with one of those therapy couches and a chair. Lol it reminded me of something from a movie. He had me lie down on it and relax. He took a seat in the chair, not directly facing me. He had me talk about how I feel about topics like my parents, school, training, Xan. He sorta made me go into deep detail about it. I really didn’t like it. Funny thought. I do the same exact thing with people online.

Then he did some training me with. First he had me send energy through myself and then had me send energy from my head to my toes and send it back to my head so I made a circle of moving energy. He had me stop after a bit. I was then asked to send energy using my mark at the opposite wall. That was easy enough. He asked me to pick a person and send energy to their forehead, create a link, using my mark to focus and send energy. I did that. I could feel the link. He wanted me to practice this when I play some game of telepathy.

The lesson was over and I left. I went to bed, but then decided to ap to Calmista. We talked for a while. I begged her to put me to sleep. She did and said she would greatly improve my mood. The next morning I woke up much happier and more rested.