My log, Aping

[JediKaren]

Mildly Sick
I woke up that day about 4 minutes before my alarm went off. Normally I get up about half an hour early to be online. I need that half an hour to wake up in. So I spent the whole morning long yawning and not thinking or paying too much attention in school. Luckily we weren’t really doing anything that needed much brain.

What I am proud to mention is the fact that I could feel and gather psi in this half awake state. In fact I should have no problem doing it. I wasn’t thinking and I was calm. I was sorta in that meditation state that I needed to be in.

English class was fairly amusing, if not scary. My teacher is ADD or something like that and was dancing around the room, teaching us the basics of grammar. After that class and lunch I went to sociology. Normal I hate that class. Not because the kids are preppy jerks or the class is hard. It’s just because the teacher can’t teach worth anything, can’t control the kids, and then gets mad at us when we won’t behave. I sort of made it clear that if he annoyed me or picked on me in anyway I would get out of that class faster than you can image. It’s a waste of my time.

Today we were talking about terrorism and watched this movie about these fire fighters who had two people filming 9-11. The movie was really cool, shocking, and touching. 9-11 is a hard topic for me because so much effects me. Exactly three weeks before it was crashed into my father and I went up the tower and got lucky enough to go outside. We were going to go around 9 am, but we decided to wait for the evening so we could see more. Then about 3 or 4 days before the crash I said to myself that I knew something big was going to happen and it was going to happen soon. I had no idea what I meant by that. I had no idea that I would be one of the many who foresaw that. Ever since that date I have been haunted by that date. I see it everywhere. I see it on the clock when I don’t have a clue what time it is. I hear people say it all the time.

When I got home I got a few things done and then took a nap. I wasn’t really tired at that point, but I had spent most of the day yawning so I figured I needed it. I was woken up for dinner. I ate dinner without a problem, but then ran for the bathroom afterwards. That would be the start of too many trips there. The time bed time came I wasn’t feeling all that great. I wondered if Calmista or a healer could do anything for this mild version of some stomach flu problem.

I aped to her room. I really didn’t feel good and pretended to puke and then aply threw up. EWWW! Calmista opened her door and the stuff disappeared. She felt my forehead, but I had no fever. I asked if she or a healer could do something. She said that she could. She had me lie down on her bed. She put her hand right below my stomach. I was being a bit squirmy. She told me to relax. She sent energy through that part of my body. Things seemed to settle down a bit. She kept at it for a while.

I asked her if she could have anything for Christmas what would she like. She said roses. Roses? I told her she could just think up roses and have then right now. She said that was not the point. Well I also had another idea in my head of what to give her, but I guess I can work this in.

She was done healing as much as she could. I went to bed, not very sleepy and still not completely well.

[JediKaren]

Meditating
I sat in my chair (who says you want to sit on the ground?) and physically settled down. Then I had to do the normal shut the random thoughts up and focus. As I settled down and focused on my goal which is to meditate, meaning don't think and become one with the Force. I wasn't sure on the details of the second part until I thought of the day when I use to ice skate. When I ice skated I would never start practicing jumps and spins until I had done a few laps around the rink. When going around the rink I would learn ever crack and bad spot of the ice. I would "know" the ice. I felt the ice. I become one with the ice. I would work with it and not against it. With that memory in mind I opened myself up to the Force.

It has been my long standing theory that one will get much better results with the Force if you open yourself to the Force rather than gather to Force to you. I also know that the Force flows and during this meditate I focused on that. I could feel these currents of the Force. One of them flowed at me, another through my house, one to my friends and so on. I narrowed my study to my room and how the Force felt there. I could feel everything my room, like the bed, the chair, and the walls. They all seemed to give off the Force. I know that doesn't make sense (or at least not to me). I know those things aren't alive and through the Force you can tell. I also noticed that the Force isn't alive but it does seem to have a propose to it aka the flow of the Force.

I turned my attention to the outdoors to see how the Force worked outside. I've read in the books about the "living Force" That has always brought me confusion because the Force isn't alive. It took me a while to figure out the "living Force" is about life working with the Force such as emotions and stuff. You could feel how the trees give off the Force and the Force works with it. Things seemed to have a place in the bigger picture.

Finally I focused my attention on myself. I know more times than not I tend to try to resist the Force. It's a bad habit and it doesn't get me anywhere. I half discovered that if you ereas the "lines" of what makes you flesh and human you are basically the Force with a soul/brain. I also noticed that if you don't fight the Force you can let you soul/brain drift on the surface of the currents of the Force and let it carry you away. I didn't get very far and didn't notice much. I know I need to work on that. I guess it's because I don't know how and what to look for. Anyway I stopped there. I will do more tonight when I go to bed.

[JediKaren]

Xan
If you remember reading about I took a break from Paul for two weeks, well I’ve done the same with Xan. His real name is Craig. He’s 27 and lives in Canada. Ha claims to be a Jedi master, but refuses to give out information proving his right to be one. He is what I like to call a Thinking Jedi. He wants the perfect mind of a Jedi. The perfect mind of a Jedi is calm and focused at all times. It never slips and it one with the Force. He wants complete control over his emotions and he will accept nothing less. He believes that I too, can achive this. I have to silently laugh at him because what he preaches is not what he practices. He has cursed in front me to me. He was been worried, angry and depressed. He refuses to understand the situation I’m in saying I could always move out. He doesn’t seem to have the same level of empathy as I do and misses quite a bit. I sent him an email the other day explaining to him that he wants the perfect student in the perfect environment. It turns out he can’t get that and he threw a fit at us because he realized the truth of the matter. He doesn’t understand that people like me have been partying for many years and have been pushing away this idea of settling down and studying. Now I and others that he teaches (he has two other students) must come to this idea and do it. He wants us to drop everything and become serious in the matter of days. He seems to have little patience with this. I have tried to tell him over and over this simply can not happen. He must work with us and let us slide into this. I tried to hint to him to take baby steps with us. I can understand why he doesn’t want to do this. It’s very frustrating to go this slow when there is so much things to show and do.

The stress level had gotten to the point I was crying. I couldn’t do what he wanted. I could hold that peaceful state for more than a day or two. My life wouldn’t allow it. He refuses to move on until I have mastered this. We were spending our time fighting with each other. The master and apprentice bond was never formed due to the fact we don’t trust each other.

He did not take this separation very well. He was conviced I was giving up. What would two weeks do? He does not think I can change. I can, but I can’t have him watching me over my shoulder when I do this. I need space and time to process what he has told me and then practice it on my own without worrying about him. I can and will change and I hope he will come to see that. Both of us are stubborn and want to do things our way.

[JediKaren]

A Higher Level
Last night I first went to this council of some sort. I let myself go when I aped and found myself in this hallway. As I looked around I noticed there were four people around me. They acted like guards and scared me. They wanted me to follow them. At first I refused because I didn’t know who they were. They led me down the hallway, straight for this door. They opened the door and half pushed me in and closed the door. I was standing in a dark, short walk. I could see there was a room with light in it just ahead. I walked into the room. It was huge, beyond belief. I doubt I could really understand how big the room was. There was all this craving all over and the art was beautiful. Sometimes when I ap I try to open my ap eyes and I accidentally open my real eyes. I was doing this now. The place was so pretty that I had too look more.

There was nothing in this room though. Well this person did show up. I don’t remember what they said, but it wasn’t much. The person led to out of the room, around hallways and up these stairs to another level, just as beautiful. I wasn’t given time to look around because I was to go another room. It was a big room, with high ceilings and big tall windows letting the light poor in. There were these people sitting on what looked like throne chairs and they made me stand on this circle on the floor. I was freezing cold in real life due to the fact the heat had been turned down. I asked if I could quickly put on a sweat shirt. They said yes. At first I was nervous and I felt that beam of energy I felt when knighted. I was told to stop resisting. I told them I wasn’t resisting. I got told back to start being a Jedi. So I fought with myself and the part that was tense. I went over to myself all the things a Jedi should be and should do. I slowly relaxed and felt more like I belonged there. They told me all this stuff about how I would be a great leader and I could unite the psionics together. They seemed way too confident of me. My ego was loving it and the other part of me desperately wanted to shut it out. They were putting pressure on me that I didn’t want. They went on and talked about why Paul, Yarvin and Xan were important to me.

Yarvin represents the people that would like to speed up this training, saying that I am going too slowly. Xan is the type of people that want to take me to the very beginning and start all over. Paul is the now and is just trying to help make sense of it all. While none of the three are the right type for me alone, I need them all.

I was dismissed and decided to explore this new level that I discovered. I walked around and found myself in this room with a fire and a bed. A man came in and told me to lie down on the bed. I asked if I could get rid of all the caffeine I had during the evening when I went to see a movie and went out to dinner. He said yes. I remember how Xan wanted me to let go and let the Force carry me away. In order to do this you have to completely blank your mind out and give up all wants. It seemed that I suddenly did that. I think I was meditating, I 'm not sure. It's like I went deep. My mind went completely blank, with nothing it in. I was absolutely calm. I seemed to be somewhere else because I couldn't feel my room or anything around me in real life. I couldn’t sense anything else. It felt like I was in this void of some sort. I could sort of feel energy around me. It wasn’t psi or the Force. I could feel it barely tingle about me. I couldn’t gather it. The weirdest part is I felt like I was floating upwards. I wasn’t going anywhere that I could tell, but up. The thought of levitation came to my mind, but I checked and my butt was firmly on the ground and growing numb. I don’t think I was one with the Force, but I was on the right track. I kept rising for sometime and decided it was time to go to bed. I snapped out of it and got up. I dizzily walked over to my bed and settled down to sleep.

[JediKaren]

Calmista
I had a sudden and craving urge to see and hug Calmista last night. Even before I had finished the thought I had tears to my eyes. I had to see Calmista right then. I gained enough control over myself to go to her room and knock. I stepped inside when invited and hugged her fiercely. She sat me down in her computer chair. I explained to her that I felt like I had abandoned her, even though I knew she didn’t think so. I felt like because I had been knighted I was too good for her and had ignored her and I wanted to make sure that wasn’t true. I think she understood me.

We talked for awhile. We talked about school, the pressure the council and others had put on me, the world and psi sites. The details of this conversation are vague and unimportant and in some case I’m not allowed to say. I went to bed a lot happier although I did not go to sleep for a long time.

[JediKaren]

Trip 11
I settled down and aped, but allowed myself to go with the flow. I noticed how this aping and being calm, relaxed and composed seemed to be getting easier. I’m not sure why though. Had Craig caused so much stress or was I now more motivated to be calmer for his and my sake?
I found myself lying down. I opened my eyes and focused. This lady was looking down at me. I started getting up, but she held me down, asking me to relax. I was in some sort of spiritual healing room. There was a man sitting on the ground at my feet. I don know why but I got defensive. It was like I felt like they were crowding me and it set off something I forgot about.
If you really know my, you will know I love cats. I have had cats all my life. We usually have two cars unless the girl cat has kittens which have happen twice when I was a little kid. As a little kid I loved to pretend I was a cat. As I grew older I paid more attention to my cats and started to take care of them. Around 12 my natural empathy was starting to show itself in a way I took for granted. I developed a deep bond with my cats to the point I could literally copy my cat’s actions and emotions.
At the time I didn’t know what was going on, but bragged that I had cat instinct and it was like I became a cat. I even privately thought I might have been possessed by something. I would growl and hiss. I could purr as much as my vocal cords would allow. There were times I could copy the feelings of a cat in hunting and attacking mode.
At the temple I had gone into this cat mode. It was more instinctual than anything. I was baring my teeth, threatening to attack when I heard my name being called by Calmista. I “woke” up out of this mode and walked to her. She pulled me out of the room. I started talking and she just looked at me. I slowed down to a stop. She asked what I did I have to say for myself. I said nothing. I got told to stop it and do as told.
I went back into the room with my head down in shame. What had happened? How could I have lost control like that? That certainly wasn’t the Jedi way to act. I was acting like a newbie! I was told to lie down and relax again by the lady. I lied down, but I couldn’t totally relax. I drifted off into this blank mind state. I seem to be getting good at that. For a while nothing happened, but then I felt this pressure on my head. It wasn’t on as much as it was in my head, like someone was trying to squeeze my brain.
I did not know what was going on. Worry came in. The people around me didn’t seem to know what was going on. I got tired quickly and went to bed. I studied this tiredness and suspected someone was attacking me again. I got some energy and some nerves together and threaten the attacker with my lightsaber again. This time I did burn him/she, but nothing worse. The message got through and he/she left. My energy level rose some and I went to sleep.

[JediKaren]

Anger Management
I talked to Paul and he gave me a wake up call. He had shown me that I was becoming more angry in what I said on UL and in my actions at the temple. He suggested coming to the temple with love, not fear. I took his advice to heart. When I sat down to ap I knew I needed to go to Calmista to say I was sorry for my actions last night. I found myself having trouble aping there and thought maybe the people at the temple didn’t want me to go. I silently asked to come, saying I could behave. I was allowed to come like normal with the usual easy.

I got to her door, knocked and waited. She opened it and I asked if I could come in. I apologized for what had happen last night. She said I was forgive but, and I finished it off for her, there was something I had to do. She said she wanted me to go with this guy that was standing outside the door and do some anger management. I sighed and agreed to go. The door was open and this guy is brown robes was standing there. I walked out the door and followed him. We didn’t go far. He opened a door and had me go in. The room was very small and he explained that they didn’t need much space.

“Fear leads to anger”
He quoted this line. Since fear is always behind anger he wanted me to figure out what I was worried about. There were many things. Then he had me talk about what I found annoying. Lol many things. Parents and school for one thing. He explained that when I’m scared I need to think of calming things so he had me think of something to think about. Psi, music, sitting back and relaxing…the list goes on. Then for anger he had me come up with happy things to think of. My abilities, my cats, life in general were a few things.

He said when the emotions get to be too much I should created a create and think of peace or happy emotions. He had me practice creating a shield. To end the lesson he said to think and practice what I learned.

[JediKaren]

A Can’t Day
Today was very strange, even for me. It started off with a half day at school. Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving and school lets the kids get out early so parents can beat the traffic while trying to travel to other places. We had a oral Spanish test which I think I got a C on. It’s very hard for me to say and hear Spanish. Then I had a math test that I think I did well in. For the last period of the day I had theatre arts. In two weeks we will be putting on a big Christmas children’s show. All theatre arts students have to do this. I did it last year and I loved it. I do horribly at auditions and in this show you don’t do auditions, you just get assigned parts. All you have to do is act. You have no lines and the teacher can teach anyone to dance. So we spent the hour acting out the story line of Aladdin. So far I don’t act in it, but we only got through one third of the song.
I got home in a good mood and got online. Xan soon came on and ruined my mood. I didn’t want to talk to him, but my ego wouldn’t let me back down. So we fought, argued and talking about training and what each one of us wanted and believe. He doesn’t think the psionic can become Jedi. I disagree. I think the psionics of today are what the Jedi went through when they first made their Order.
My father asked me when we could find out my SAT scores. I realized I could find them online right then. The problem was I couldn’t get online and had to fight with the site to get my password and screen name. I was really nervous. What college I went to depended on how well I did on the tests. I only got one chance at this. It was took late to do a retake, because the time I got my scores back the dealline for college applications would be past due. I finally got on the site and found my scores. I sucked in my breath as I saw I had somewhat low scores. I told my father and mother and fought tears. I felt that I couldn’t do anything. I was a failure to the world. I talked to Paul who tried to tell me all was not lost, but it was too late for my mood. I was so tired. I got off and went to my room to listen to music. I gave up after a while and went to bed after crying a bit.
I had a strange dream, well all my dreams are strange, but this one was different. I dreamed I was at school. I saw my English teacher and I think I had just found out my test scores. I remember talking to an ex friend who I can’t stand anymore. We were in this test where you had to open this door. She told me I couldn’t do it and that offended me. I opened the door. I was very upset and depressed. I then walked into this library. This guy dressed in monk robes came over. I remember being nervous because I knew I had sunken low and felt unworthy to be around him. The dream ended and I half woke up.
I knew this was no normal dream. I somehow knew this monk like person was from the temple. I never dream about the temple and I knew this man wasn’t just a dream. He must of visited me in my dreams. I wondered, while lying in bed, if I should ap. I decided yes. I was still sleepy and not really thinking. I found my ap body lying down on a table. Calmista was over my head, looking down at me. She kept me quiet and got me to calm down. Someone sent energy between my legs. Once again I felt surrounded and slightly panicked. Calmista kept me as calm as she could while other people held me still. Finally I was allowed to go and I woke up in real life. I got out of bed and started to dance to music. I noticed I had so much energy. I was hyper, happy and random. The mood lasted until dinner. It was my mom’s birthday and we were taking her out to dinner. During dinner my mood went down some, but jumped as I walked to the car and saw some snow flakes. Snow can always, without fail, make me excited. My dad didn’t see the snow and didn’t believe me. I couldn’t spot anymore. When we went home I got online again and talked for a while. I went to the weather site and it said it was lightly snowing right then. I raced for the back, glass door and looked out. I shrieked with happiness when I saw lots of snow flakes. I jumped up and down while singing about. I ran to window to window checking out the snow. We didn’t get much, just enough to cover the ground, but not the roads or sidewalks. I didn’t care. It was the first snow fall of the year.

[JediKaren]

More Healing
I was woken up my dad and told that in forty minutes we would go see the Harry Potter movie. I noticed my cat, Spooky, was sleeping on me. He hasn’t slept on me for a long time and it was very cute. I got out of bed with a headache and a stomach ache. I didn’t understand why I felt like this. I just knew that I didn’t like it. My father and I went to see the movie. It was good. I went home to practice dancing, but I was off. I didn’t have any balance and I couldn’t feel psi. This deep down, in the pit of my stomach fear was blocking me every time I tried to gather it. Later that day I got incredibly tired and felt that I just had to lie down and take another nap. As I did Calmista told me, through my head, to lie down on my back and ap. I did as told and found myself once again on the table with people around me. She said that I had to go through more healing. She got me to relax again. I could feel the energy being sent through me. It felt warm and good and it go through ever bit of me. After a while I couldn’t lie still anymore, but I was still sleepy. Calmista told me not to tell Paul about this healing. I didn’t understand why, but agreed to. I asked if I could be put to sleep. She said yes and I was off in dreamland in minutes.
I was later woken up by my friend calling me. We talked for a little bit and then I got off to get online. I did some work on my site. I’m trying to get more people to join it and be active. Dinner was called so I left. Today was Thanksgiving day and that meant we had turkey. Even the cats had turkey, but only one would eat some.
After dinner I lit the fire and talked to Paul. He had assigned me a day ago, a 500 word essay on what loving acceptance meant to me. I wrote it up the night he gave it to me, but did not do as good as job as I could of. We talked about it and realized he didn’t tell me what exactly he wanted me to cover. So I got busy and started rewriting the essay. When he approves of it I’ll include it in this journal.
Bedtime came and I was tired beyond belief, but Calmista had told me I would have to go through more healing. Paul had hinted without knowing that he had, why I was being out through this healing. I was dieing to tell him about that afternoon, but I kept my promise. I realized that Calmista wanted me to figure out what was wrong with me and to do it without someone telling me. Paul had said just enough for me to get the idea and I understood. Calmista and the other guides were trying to get me to face the right direction of the flow of psi and stop resisting it.
I sat down on the ground and aped to that table again. She was there and I told her what I figured out. She knew all about the talk Paul and I had. She wanted me to quiet down and not worry about all that. We would talk about it later. I was told to focus on getting rid of that fear and I slowly did. They sent more energy though. I could feel something in me change. I’m not sure what, but I think in a few days it will become more obvious. I asked Calmista if I could now tell Paul about these ap sessions. She said she wanted me to wait until he approved of my essay. Arg, that could take another few days. After half an hour of healing they were done and I went to bed. I tried to go to sleep, but my mind wouldn’t shut up. I kept thinking about all these different things. To make things worse I was hungry, but I couldn’t get out of bed to eat something. It was one o’clock when I fell asleep.

[JediKaren]

My Essay
"Loving acceptance and what it means to me"

Love is a very complex idea to define. Everyone has their own idea of what love is. My own definition is that love is the mutual feeling of care, understanding and joy between two people or more. Love is the magic that drives us all. Love can be heard in the whisper before a kiss. Love can be seen in many forms from the simple look to physical contact. Love is a necessary thing.

As human beings we must have love. If we did not love one another the world would be a much more hateful place. We would have endless wars because people could not find a reason to love or to care for their fellow being. Mothers would kill their babies because of the endless crying and chores they must do. Babies would never stop crying because there would be nothing to bring them comfort if they could not feel love. Inventions or new ideas would never be made. We can not rise spiritually without love.

Love is one of the founding bases of the temple. Everyone there truly and deeply loves everyone and anyone that enters. You, yourself must be able to love in order to enter the temple. Love does not have to be between a guy and a girl. It can be a teacher-student relationship. Calmista and I love each other almost like a child and her mother. You can even love your dog or cat. When I was in the maze I used love to tame a dog that was guarding the door. There could be worldwide love, a dream many of us wish to make real and something I feel that I am being trained to help with. Love does not have to something extremely passionate as we see in the movies. Love is a form of respect and trust. Love can only happen when you learn to accept.

Acceptance is the will to give up struggling over what you can not control. This does not mean giving up and does not make you weak necessarily. Acceptance can be good. It is a sign of trust. A person must know when and why to accept some things such as, for example, death. Death is something that happens to everyone. We don’t always understand why it has to happen, but to not accept it is a waste of energy. There are some things you should not accept, things like getting the right amount of change back. This is because someone has done something wrong that you can do something about.

There are plenty of times when I don’t understand why Calmista or the other guides have me do something like healing. I wouldn’t need healing if I knew what was wrong with me. Sometimes I don’t want to go through healing or think I need it. Calmista has been trying to teach me for months to accept what they are doing to me. They only want to help me. She has always shown me why I had to be healed, when the time is right.

In the past I have not accepted what has been given to me and generally will give in to the pressure of others to accept it. I was afraid of changes, like all human beings. I didn’t know what’s going to happen so to protect myself I clung on to what I knew. It’s a survival trait for people that live in rough situations. I unconsciously tried to force psi to do what I wanted and not let it go where it should. This created a disturbance in the flow of psi.

The disturbance had affected me in mental and physical ways. I found myself close to tears at all times. I was always tense and scared. Since fear is the basis of anger, I kept getting ticked off at the littlest of things. I was getting headaches and upset stomachs. I was also affecting others. I was so wrapped up with fear and anger that you could see it in my posts. Negative emotions blind you and that was proof. I had accepted my mod powers on Universal Lightworkers, but I had not done it with love.

Loving acceptance means to me that I am not just accepting because I have been told so. To accept with love means I must understand why I must submit my will and be at peace with it. When I get promoted to a higher level at the temple I must accept it, respect it and love it. When I am being held back by the people there I must lovingly accept what they are doing for they are doing it to help me and others. I must accept the flow of psi and go along with it.

Calmista and the other guides have been trying to gently and with love, force me to face the right direction of the river and I kept turning back. It’s like a kid learning how to swim. They want to cling to the side of the pool because they know it’s safe and they can control their ability to stay above water. A parent or teacher must pry to kid off the wall and teach the kid how to float on their back, by laying the kid down in the water. This requires the kid to relax and have faith in themselves and in the person who is holding them up. Then when the arms are removed the kid must not panic and let the currents of the water drift them away. Should a kid struggle, they will start to sink.

I have literally resisted their attempts to the point of becoming almost violent. Calmista knows I really don’t want to harm people, but I’m also unaware of what’s going on. That’s why she had me talk to this guy about fear and anger and how to counter it. I didn’t pay attention to the lesson and continued my ways. So Calmista purposely made me tired and take a nap after I sobbed over my SAT scores. She had me dream about a guy from the temple that came and talked to me. The dream was a way of gently getting me ready for more healing. Then she half woke me up just enough to ap, but not be awake enough to resist too much. Healers then sent good, loving, flowing energy through me and the results were almost immediate. I was happy, if not hyper and it lasted for a few hours. They were showing me the benefits of facing the direction of the flow.

To add me in the three main key words, I must accept my place in the world and in fate with love. I must not struggle to understand what I can not understand. I should stand back and allow certain things to happen because in the past it has been shown if I am to
understand what and why something happened, it gets shown to me. If Istop fighting with forces beyond my ability to control and comprehend, I have found things run smoother. I have found my life is easier and more fun. There are rewards of course, to accepting with love. There are all sorts of little surprises to be found and will be missed if I continue to battle. A perfect example is when I finally accepted my knighthood I was given my own room. I have to respect my place in the world, but also know when not to give in due to laziness or fear of making a fool of myself. That is what loving acceptance means to me.

[JediKaren]

A Happy Me
The day after Thanksgiving is usually spent raking leaves at my house. We have a lot of trees, a lot more than most people and all the trees, including those horrible sharp pine needles fall. Because of my parents bad back I usually get stick with gathering all the leaves into bags. To make this worth it my cheap parents give me a dollar per the bag. I also have to fill the bags as much as possible, so I can’t cheat.

We started at noon and stopped around 4:30. During that time we got 20 bags, 17 of them I did. By the end my back was about to commit suicide it hurt so much. I took Advil, but that didn’t do much. I was careful not to bend over too much, no that matter; I really didn’t have a choice. I later took a hot bath which did some good.

After figuring out that I had been resisting the flow of psi I felt much calmer and more in control of myself. I didn’t wake up with a headache and my stomach felt fine. I had more energy through the day. When evening came I was exhausted and half begging for sleep, but I wanted to stay awake. I went to my room and started to dance. Despite all my weariness my mind was clear and focused. I could get my body to move in anyway I wanted. I was in total control. My balance was great. Lately I’ve been doing sort of a new dance that’s more Irish. I place a mint container on the floor and dance around it, daring myself to get closer, but never look down at it. I have to sense it in order to not. I’ll do pretty well for a about a minute but then I’ll miss up and brush against it.

I did this dance that evening and while I did mess up, I still did pretty well. I got online and told Paul what had happen. I felt so awake and alert. Psi wasn’t so much flowing through me, but more like I knew it was there. I guess I had driven energy out of me in my dark mood and now it had return.

Ten o’clock came and I got ready for bed and sat down on the floor to ap. My back did not like this sitting stuff. I considered where I should go for a while and settled going to my room. I was happy to find my room looked the same. I lay down on my couch. I envisioned a heating pad for my lower back and one of those vibrating pillows for my neck. Ohh that felt good, but I felt like I should have been somewhere else. I sadly gave up my comfortable couch and went to the door and opened it. A guy that I did not recognize was standing there. He told me to follow him. My back in real life was acting up and I started complaining about it. He went to the glass wall and opened what looked like a glass door. I told him in surprise that I wasn’t allowed in there. He said I could go with him. I walked through. It was the same type of hallway, but it felt different. The air seemed clearer and sharper. The details of the hallway struck out at me more and the whole place seemed more real.

He told me to go the end of the hallway, take a left, then a right and go to the end of passage and through the door. I repeated this to help remember it and started walking. I got to the door, opened it and entered. The room wasn’t anything to comment on. There were people there; they looked like healers and tables. The nearest healer called me over. I was told to take off my shirt and lie down on the table, back up. I did this. She seemed to know the exact spots where I was hurting. Using my trilocation skill I was able to see what she was doing. She put some sort of lotion on my back and rubbed it in. At the same time she numbed the pain. This went on for a while. I asked if she could stop because I really did have to get some sleep. She stopped and I went to bed. I quickly aped to Calmista to tell her that I was sorry for acting like a spoiled brat. She understood and said sometimes I get blind to myself and I need help seeing it.

[JediKaren]

The Temple Gardens
I’m ashamed to say that I wasn’t going to record the other night’s trip. Basically I went and got healed for my sore back from bagging more leaves. They decide to something for the pain by giving me a shot right where it hurt. I freaked and tried to scram off the table that I was lying on. At least hour people, including Calmista, held me down. When that was over I got mad at her and tried to leave, but someone was blocking the door. Calmista order me to get back on the table and I stubbornly refused. We glared at each for a while, until I backed down.

The next day was spend finishing the leaves, doing chores, and pmsing. When I pms I get very nasty to everyone. I tend to curse more than I would in a month. My father has yet to learn when I’m in this mood it’s best to leave me alone. Instead he has to challenge my mood. I had sent the day in steamy angry and bit off everyone’s head that was in yelling range.
I knew I had to do something about this. I wasn’t being the knight that I should be. I just want to keep this peace that Calmista and other gave me. Music does nothing for me unless I’m calm. I thought about going to Calmista and asking for help. My ego didn’t like it, but then edo really doesn’t really like any of this.
I was going to ap to the main room to see if there was anyone that could help me. I got to the dark hallway when I remembered if you go other direction and go out a door it leads outside. As I walked I felt an urge and sort of a physical pull to go back to the main room. Stubbornly, I kept on.

I decided it might be fun and cool to go somewhere I haven’t ever gone. I stepped outside and blinked. It was so bright with sunlight. I turned around to see what I had come out of. The entrance was small, made out of stone blocks with an arch. I looked back at the forest I was in. it was beautiful. There were lush green trees, flowers of all types, exotic plants, unseen birds chirping, light shining through the gaps of the trees and I saw Calmista sitting on a rather big rock .

I didn’t expect her to be here. I didn’t think anyone would know where I was. Calmista said not all things are unseen, meaning she knew she would fine me here. I asked why I felt that pull back in the hallway. She said I was breaking away from what I normally do, which is stay in the temple. There was silence for a moment for I was looking around, enjoying the beauty of it all. Earlier that day I had thought to myself how when I am stuck inside fro too long I tend to wan in health and spirit. You should get me outside and walk around at that point. I belong outdoors I thrive on nature and life surrounding me. Calmista seemed to know this and thought I might get more healing out here in the open. I was told by her to go wondering through the forest and explore. I obeyed her and took off.
I strolled around admiring all the life around me. For a while I had no destination in mind, but I sensed something up ahead that might be of great interest to me. I made myself a path to this object. When I got there I saw that it was some sort of miniature temple or pyramid. I walked around it trying to understand what it was. I felt a great amount of psi coming from it. When I touch it when my hand nothing happened. I wondered if this was some sort of model of the temple. Since I couldn’t figure what it was and it seemed to have no use to me I left it and went on.
I soon came out of the forest and into this big field of grass like the prairies you see in the mid states of the US. The grass was tall and green with nothing disturbing it except for a few rocks. I went to one rock to sunbath, but as I laid down I noticed someone had taken this rock and this someone was a rattlesnake. Not being a fan of any type of snake I quickly came to the conclusion I was not going to sunbath on this rock and go to the near by one I just spotted.
I looked at the rock when I got closer and saw a full grown, male lion on top of it. This was so surprising that I had to look around. I observed the grass had dried out into a golden tan like you see in Africa. I looked back to the snake rock and could see the greener grass. This was a very strange land I was in. I studied the lion and wondered if I could get close to it. I have always been great with all animals and have often thought I could even tame a lion should I get the chance. I guess here was my chance. I crept slowly and quietly up behind this lion for I knew he could take notice of me and I would be dead in less than a minute. I reached out and touched him, trying to be as calm as one can be right then. The lion did not seem to mind. I petted his mane which was very soft. I know all house cats love being scratched behind the ears and I applied this logic to the lion. Once again he did not seem to mind, but didn’t purr either. I could sense his feline mind thinking I would make a good meal and decided I was taking too many chances. Facing him, I backed away from him and hurried off towards Calmista. I walked through where the dry grass becomes green and into the forest again. I stuck to the edge of the forest and came to the small break in the forest where I first entered it from the temple.
Calmista asked me if I enjoyed my journal. Of course I said yes. She then told me it was time for bed. I did not want to leave this place and whined. She asked if I wanted to stay. I said yes and I wished I could lay down on the ground and sleep. She paused for a moment and asked me to lie down. I did this, closed my eyes and relaxed. After a while she said I really had to go to bed. I agreed and returned back my body in my room.

[JediKaren]

Depression and Recovery
There is one emotion I tend to experience the most and the worst and that is depression. It comes quickly and unnoticed to me. I can’t recognize it’s signs until it’s too late. Once it’s hit it’s very very hard to get out. It feels like I’m just digging the hole deeper. By now I know I can get out of this trap, but it requires certain mental energy that is hard to find.

I was angry at everyone for everything. Anything my parents did annoyed me and made me snap back at them. I was half trying to get my dad to hit me again so I could have a reason to leave the house. That’s how bad I was off. I was also scared. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t dance or find the peace of mind that I was trained to have. Craig and I were still having problems. I remember one night crying in bed, feeling my guide try to comfort me and help me, but in my pain I pushed her away and the next day I couldn’t feel her anywhere. This really didn’t help my mood. I was sinking to the low and I was getting anxious to get out of this.

The first step is to stop thinking negatively. I have to start seeing the world as a place of good and light. It’s so easy to look at the world as a dark, scary, bad place. I have to force my mind to stop seeing everything that can go wrong or has gone wrong. I can’t let myself drown in my own fear or anger.

I also need help doing this. I have received help in so many ways in the past. Usually I break down in front of my friend who has no idea there was something wrong. This time I got mad at my friend, Amy at the bus stop. I needed someone and something to vent on. As I predicted she wanted me to hold her stuff while she gets organized. I feel like I’m a coat rack or her servant. That morning I refused to hold her junk. We yelled at each other a bit, glared, and I turned my back on her to keep myself from crying, like that did any good. The tears come down and Amy realized something was wrong. She changed her whole attitude and came to my side to ask me what was wrong. I could only whisper everything. More tears fell and I could feel myself shake. Amy put an arm around me, which opened this emotion dam and I was crying all I had. She hugged me and waited for me to regain control. I told her that I was failing math, I couldn’t stand my parents, and I felt like I was being ignored by her and my friends. She said that she wasn’t ignoring me. I said that she spends all this time with Sarah and I was the one who introduced her to Sarah. I was the one who helped her find her classes. I took her to the dance and back home. I had done a million things for her and yet all she does is yell at me and push me away. I couldn’t take it. I’m a gental person. I can’t take a lot of anger, which I get more than enough of.

The bus came and she said that she would sit next to me on the bus. We talked the whole bus ride. I felt guilty because we had ignored Sarah, but what could I do? I tried later hinting to Sarah what was going on without going into too much detail.

Now that I had gotten some stuff off my shoulder I could start working on seeing the world full of light and wonder and not of darkness. I first needed some things to go right, which did not happen right away. I was saved by the weekend. On Saturday Amy and I got up at 7:30 to take a nearly two hour walk in the park. We found that walking in the woods help tremendously to keep you calm and cool for a long period of time. We would need that calm because my dad had agreed to drive up to the mountains to Luray Caverns and back. On the way back from our walk we had come up with the funniest substitute for curse words. So we came up with “fish” and then later I added at the end “flop flop”. It was so funny you couldn’t say it with a straight face.

We came home, got ready and started driving away. We stopped at a Pizza Hut for lunch and getting hyper. On the rest of the way there we sang Christmas song and forgetting most of the words, but still having fun. We got to the caverns, bought our tickets and went in. The caves were great. I hadn’t been to them since I was 8, but they were still good. I have also been to Carlsbad (I know I’m spelling that wrong) and I have to say these caves were pretty good. We drove back listening to soft calming rock which nearly put the usual hyper Amy to sleep. I, on the other was awake, but feeling better than I had for days. I knew I had to ap soon. I knew I was not done with this depression. I would have to get rid of my ego and ask for help. I didn’t do this until Sunday night.
Oh was it hard. I knew exactly what to say, and how to say it, but it took a long time before I could get it out of my mouth. I finally did and Calmista told me to close my eyes and breathe. I was to relax totally and she guided me through the steps. I could feel this happiness come seeping in. I went to bed, but the next day I felt so much better. A light was in me again and I could see a world of hope again.

[JediKaren]

Injured Body
We all know what snow means in my school. It involves everyone getting excited over this white, cold, wet flaky stuff that slowly builds on the ground and hopefully sticks to the roads and sidewalks. Everyone shouts out “it’s snowing” and dreams and hopes for a two hour delay, dismissal or the whole day off. I love snow for all those reasons, but one. When it snows during school I get overloaded every time, without fail.
Sometimes the overload just takes me over emotionally and I find myself overly excited. But this time I got hit in the head with too much energy and the world’s biggest headache. I felt horrible, like I was getting a cold. I just wanted to go home and sleep this off and that’s what I did. I was surprised my parents didn’t notice something was wrong when I didn’t open the door and shout “it’s snowing” like I normally would. Instead I came home tired and in a bad mood. I complained of a headache and went to bed. My father fell asleep, leaving me in peace to watch the snow and snuggle underneath the blankets. About two hours later I woke up five minutes before dinner time to find myself in perfect health, although I remained tired throughout the evening.
The next day we got a two hour delay due to the two inches of snow we got and the icy roads. I should remind people that I live in the wimpiest county in all of Virginia. The day went ok and there was no sign of anything wrong with me up until after school practice started. In theatre arts we’re putting on a Christmas show for little kids and our families. It’s a required show and we were suppose to have two rehearsal, but the first one got cancelled because of the snow. The practice started at 2:15 and ended around 6:30. We didn’t really start practicing until 3 o’clock and that’s when my headache started. It came quickly and sharply. It lasted the entire time and there were points that I was in tears the pain was so bad. My friend who was sitting next to me, tried to comfort me, but she didn’t know what was going on. At the time I didn’t know what was happening either which is why I never thought of getting out of the theatre and to somewhere quiet.

I got online and talked to Paul who suggested that I was overloaded and needed peace and quiet. While I agreed with him I wasn’t sure how to do that. Tis the season to be loud and merry. Well maybe things will quiet down.

[JediKaren]

Coming Back
I’ve finally climbed the huge, dark hole of depression which I had fallen into. It had gotten so bad that I turned by back to everyone and withdrew from Calmista and my training. My grades were going down the toilet and everything seemed to be out of control. I had no will to change anything and I was in constant fear and anger. I couldn’t face Calmista because I was ashamed of myself. I knew I was better than this and I had proven it last summer and last grading period. Maybe I had gotten a bit too cocky and let things slip. Whatever the reason was, I now had to get myself out in order to save my math grade.

I’m not sure what got me to start looking on the bright side. I just started doing one little thing at a time. I stayed after for Spanish. I worked on my site. I did my homework. I went to see a movie. I started training a bit. It was no big action, but small ones that added up. I got rid of my ego and cried and asked for help from Calmista. She was not mad at me. She understood, like she always does. She told me that facing my mid report card would not be as bad as I thought. I wasn’t sure what she meant, but she seemed to be hinting things would get better. She also told me that there is a connection between aping training and doing well in school. I took that as a big hint to start training so I did. I did one night of training/healing and took my math test the next day. I wasn’t sure on how well I did, for I failed every single quiz on the chapter even when I thought I did well on them. I did my theatre arts Christmas show which was so much fun because I spent the whole time drawing some awesome drawings when I wasn’t dancing and smiling my butt off.

Things kept the upward trend by me getting all late work turned in, good grades coming my way, and a bit of snow. I found out that I got an 83 (C+) on a math test which raised my grade to a D. It’s not good, but it’s much better than before. I could now see me passing math. All I now have to do is deal with the hour long lecture from the parents and settle with the fact that I’m grounded.

The training seems to consist of healing. I go to Calmista in various moods from hyperness to somewhat fearful. She walks me to a room or tells me where to go. I go where I’m suppose to and find some sort of table or chair to lay or sit in. Some healer comes by and tells me to relax. They seem to focus on my mark and the back of my head. I’m not sure why they care about the mark, but I can understand the back of the head because I have been getting overloaded a lot and suffering bad headaches in that area. I think each healer decides this is too much for them and each night I get someone who is more qualified to heal me. I have a feeling I’m going to end up in their hospital like room, basically the third level. This makes me wonder if it the depression that is behind this or is depression a sign of something is wrong back there in my mind. Well whatever they do, they make me sleepy and I’m sleeping well these nights. I hope that soon I will get back to real training with studying energy and using my lightsaber and working on being more peaceful.