JK's Third AP Log

[T_Hornberger]

Sweet, new log . You don't sound like you've talked to calmista for a little while though lol, don't you miss her lol. That snowball thing made me laugh like crazy, keep up the logs.

[JediKaren]

You know what's not fun? Having althelet's foot. You know what's worse? Having your guide hold your feet still as a healer injects a needle into the pads of your feet. You know what's worse? After that, after having one more shot to be put to sleep. I really really hate shots.

The only good thing is I get a foot rub tonight...which I think I really need. I got really homesick this evening even though I hate my parents....yes hate...like can't stand them or forgive them.

[JediKaren]

I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorry about that. I'm waiting for a good trip, one that I feel was real, rather than my fears being played out (which happened today Embarrassed) I'm also looking for one that doesn't involve "going to Calmista, getting a health check up and then she getting out a needle, me curling up into a ball of fear, asking her not to, and then getting the shot, then falling asleep* trust me, that goes on most nights, is boring and is no fun to type up. I guess I'm looking for something exciting...errr um ..uhh...I mean something er interesting? sorry, but I know my quotes far far too well.

[JediKaren]

yay something interesting, thought provoking, and um...something..else.

I was really hyper last night, I mean really hyper, to the point I couldn't lay still in my bed. I've been hyper all week, or since I came back from college. This was starting to bother me. I didn't know why and I suspected it had to do with this "darkness" within my home, but I had to wonder at this question:

Can you get hyper off the darkside and if so, how?

I had asked a friend and he laughed and said no, which didn't help. Well in this hyper state of mine, I decided to ap and go to the Jedi temple to do something, because I was in a mood to move. I went in, looking around, admiring the place as usual (I think I'll never get over the sheer beauty of that place) when I ask him. This wasn't good because I was far too hyper to really control my emotions or thoughts (I guess I shouldn't of come, but oh well) and this was a good time to do so. He asked me how I was, and I said I was good, but this hyperness made me as clear as glass and both of us knew that. He noted out loud I was hyper, which got me to blush. I wondered, in my head, if I should ask him about getting hyper off the darkside, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to ask him. Well, it was too late because somehow I was thinkly more clearly and louder (I think) and he really picked on up that and made me ask it. Arg. I did and started to think the answer was no and I shouldn't of asked this. He didn't give me an answer, but told me to follow him to find out the answer.

We went to the second floor, to my right and shortly down the hallway to this door that he opened. I stood outside the door, lost in some thought, when I got pushed inward with his stick (cane if I want to be proper). I didn't like that, protested, and looked around. I was in an empty room. There was nothing there. I guess I expected something or someone to be there and was sort of shocked by the emptiness. He came in, with the stick, and I thought in my mind "watch out, he's got a stick" It wasn't all that funny, but I know that a trained fighter can make anything a deadly weapon and yet a stick is something so easily breakable. Between the two facts, the thought come to me as funny and I couldn't help but break the trip and laugh. It took me a good five minutes to gain self control and some nerves to come back.

I was told to sit down and did so. He sat too, but seemed to meditate. I wasn't in the mood to meditate and really didn't want to even try to forced my insanely hyper mind to stop running for one minute, so I started thinking. I was trying to solve my question, but I wasn't really getting anywhere. I thought that maybe the room I was in had a hint, but it didn't. I thought about peace, but that didn't lead me anywhere.

I was ready to confess that I couldn't find the answer and tried to tell him that. He stopped me and told me to look. ARG! I wanted to complain that I did think and I really couldn't figure this out, but I held back and gave the question one more shot. I decided to define the darkside, hoping that might provide me a clue. The definition of the darkside is the dark, evil, bad intentions, actions and emotions of a person that radiates out as negative, harmful energy. So the darkside was energy, but not a different energy, just coming from a different source, then what I use normally. Ok so I was... getting overloaded with energy. How does bad, negative energy feel good and make me hyper? Well I recently read a book that talked about how when you're feel of your own darkside, it feels good and right. So, I was unconsciously feeding off on the good feeling energy, that really was bad, but I couldn't tell that.

This was such an easy, in your face answer and yet it took so much thinking around the bush to figure it out. Well I told him, was right and asked if I could go. I did and spent the rest of my waking moments thinking it over.

[JediKaren]

Shaking Fear of the Darkside

The last visit was weird. It brought on an outward peace and increased my innward fear. My fear, the darkness, the blindness within me. The reason for this fear is three years into my training I discovered the strength of the darkness in my house. The truth shocked and scared me. How could I go three years and not notice? That truth still scares me today. Now, with the last trip, I realized that I have been basing my life around the darkside. I'm always hyper. At college I will drink anything caffinated, just to get hyper. I need that feeling, that good, I don't have to make sense feeling. This isn't good at all. I have to get rid of this addiction to the darkside's "good" feeling.

I had to go back to him, tell him this fear, tell him I couldn't handle this, tell him I didn't know what or how to do it. But to go back, to confess this, would confess my weakness, something I was not desperate enough to do. At the same time, the fear had been eating at me the whole day. I was an emotional mess, or felt like it. I stood, aply, outside the door to the temple. I couldn't do this. I couldn't come into the temple in this state. I couldn't calm down either. I side down the wall I was leaning against, curled up in total fear, shaking and wanting to cry.

Strangely someone came near me, called my name. I looked and saw Hatais. I recognized him, but could not name him for some reason. He asked me what was wrong and tried to get me to stand up. I resisted him. He couldn't understand. I told him I couldn't do this. He made me get up and half dragged me back to his offic. He had me sit down, opposite of his chair. I didn't want to be here. I wanted, as weird as it seems, to go back to the door to the Jedi, rather than be trapped in his tiny room.

He had me breathe, relax some, and gain control over myself, although that was tough to do. We talked. I found out he knows and watchs me every time I go to the Jedi door. He's watching so I don't come there in anger or in fear, like this. We talked of other things, but I forgot them. He did calm me down though.

[JediKaren]

I suppose I should get rid of the dust here....

Last night I aped to the Jedi temple, looking for answers about what to do about my best friend. She and her mom are broke, not quite able to pay the bills, both unhealthy and seriously obese and neither have a job. My friend just got her GED, but can't do physically labor. I'm worried for my friend and am starting to get seriously scared about her moods and actions. Anyway, her mom is venting and taking her frustrated anger out on my friend and my friend is taking her pain and suffering to me, which is a lot of crying, venting, cursing, and desperate plea for help. The problem is, I'm out of ideas, getting sick of being the help crisis center that is on call at not fun hours like midnight. At the same time, it is my duty and responsibility as a best friend to be there and to comfort her in anyway I can. So I went to the Jedi, looking for a better way of handling this.

I came in, nervous and unsure if this was a good idea, and as usual had to look up at the incredibly high cieling. There is something about a really high and grand cieling that forever captures my attention. Well, a Jedi, came up, Obi Wan of all people, and noted out loud my moods and such to get me to talk. He had us walk through the halls, and to the door that generally leads to the council room, but then took a right and went down another hallway. This hallway had many doors and lead to a library. This was a different library compared to the one on the forth floor. It was smaller (of what i could see), but still breath taking strange and beautiful. Up until then, I had been explaining the problem of my friend and everything I had been doing to solve the problem, to show that I really had been doing my job.

It was near that library that I felt the Force as strong as could be. It was so strong, I felt like I was on the edge of being overloaded and tried to resist and block the Force out. What is strange is this is the first time for over a week I have really felt the Force. Pollen has been high and even with meds, I feel like my body refuses to spent energy on feeling and using the Force. I haven't been too worried about that, but it was sort of nice to feel that energy again. I have been going through a lot of doubt over a lot of things and being blocked from a world so....well detailed and secure, it hasn't helped me. It turns out I was in the Master's section of the temple and the library was for the masters. I had to ask why have a library only for masters when I thought everyone here was a master (aside from me of course) I wasn't given a clear answer, or at least one that I can remember. He talked me into relaxing a bit and not fighting the strong current. I'm not sure if I like that place. It's a bit too strong for my tastes. He also said that I'm just going to have to stand by my friend and be there, even if it's getting annoying.

What was strange was I was walked back to the door to the temple. No one has ever done that. I have to admit I don't really like that answer, but it does make sense. Perhaps there is still another answer that does not involve money. I hope I find it soon. I fear if something doesn't happen soon, my friend will end up in a hospital for reasons I don't want to mention.

[JediKaren]

It was my first day of work. I knew it was going to be rough, but not as bad as it was. I came home incredibly sore, tired and depressed to the point I wanted to cry. I couldn't do anything right. I didn't know where anything was. I got the assignment manager unhappy at me for something that really wasn't my fault. I came home and tried to do my internet duties. I wanted to cry to bad, but as a Jedi, I can't, I shouldn't. I did feel a bit better after talking to some people, but not much better. Then I went to bed.

I had spent the time at work worried and thinking what would happen. This night would be the first day of training, if I could get training. I haven't seriously trained since last August and I didn't know if it would continue. I really really, like you wouldn't believe wanted to train with Yoda. The training I did with him last summer was amazing. I learned so much. I learned how to think, I learned more than just the basic skills of psi or of energy. I learned how to view the big picture. I learned about myself and I even learned how to meditate. I would love to do all that again and more. I healed, in a weird way, last summer. I had just come back from 8 months of going to a peaceful, happy college. I have changed so much. I was hoping with all this change, the training I did last summer would be even better this time around. the only thing was, did Yoda want to train me?

When I went to bed I layed there, hoping, unsure what to do. Should I go to him? Was he in my room? Did he even know I wanted this? I had no way of knowing. This made me feel even worse. I felt myself grow sleepy and turned off the lights. I tried to leave my body, but felt as if something or someone was holding down my ap body. I tried again, but still nothing. I thought about if there was something I was suppose to do first. I relaxed myself a bit mentally and physically. I tried one more time and it worked. I went for my toy chest to sit down. I looked and saw Yoda standing near my door. I stared and got the nerves to ask if he would train me. He said yes. I asked, rephrasing the question, hardly believing the truth. He said yes. That made me so happy. I didn't have to worry. He wanted to train me. YES! I tried to hold back this heart brusting happiness, but didn't really succeed.

He disappeared and for a moment I had no idea where he went. Through telepathy, he told me to follow him. I used linking to find him and aply teleported myself to him. He was standing in my living room. We "hopped" through my neighborhood, to where the road goes through this wooded area. On one side you can see through the thin woods, all the buildings. We went for that area. He sat down and started to meditate. while I sat down and closed my eyes, I didn't meditate. I got distracted (I blame drinking coke after 6pm) and wondered to other thoughts and memories. I was getting sleepy when I felt this strong surge of energy came on my real body. I resisted, for I don't like people going into my mind for any reason, but gave up, knowing if he wanted to, he could win this. I fell into a deep sleep of a strange dream about fighting and winning a football player.

[JediKaren]

There is this astral spirit, in the form of a man. I don't know his name, who really who he is, but I do know he wants to train and I don't want him to.

This all started months ago, when I was at college, one night aping. I was lead, by a Jedi to a local park (local to my parent's home) and through the woods to this guy. He claimed to be my new master.

I'm sorry, but no one gets to just claim anything about me or for me. You ask. You request. You explain yourself and you give me reasons why I should train under you. You also wait for me to come to you, not the other way around. I know this makes me look stubborn, maybe even snobby, but I don't care. There is a process, a way of doing this sort of thing and he screwed up. The only thing he has done is refused to take no for an answer and has every so ofter bugged me. This doesn't make me want to train under him. Plus, should I mention until now I've never had a master? Like, I don't want one. I don't mind people spending a lot of time training me, don't I have or want a master.

If I were to become a student, an apprentice to someone, they better be darn special. If I do this, I'll give them everything. I mean, this will be the person I'll die for, I'll put my trust, my heart and my soul to. I only do that when I feel this person deserves it. It takes a lot of showing and proving to get this from me.

Should I also mention I did give in a little the night before the Virginia Tech shooting happened. This guy was going to heal and put me to sleep. The problem was, I couldn't settle down enough. He warned me that if he didn't do this, I would have nightmares. It turns out he was right. I dreamed about an insane killer, holding someone that I only knew in the dream hostage. I'm not sure if that was a dream related to the up coming event or not, but it has not made me closer to this guy.

So last night, the same guy decides he's going to heal me again, because my ear has been bothering me. At first, I refuse, but I think about it. I can't think up a good reason why not to, and let him do his thing. It wasn't bad, but I still don't want to train under him. He just doesn't give me that "the one" feeling.

[JediKaren]

Last night was very interesting. I haven't been commenting on the last few nights due to the fact it's been mostly healing and to me, that's boring to write and read, but if you all feel differently, I'll include it.

During work, I was told by same guy I don't want to be taught by, that I was to report to the council. For those who don't know, I seriously don't like these meetings. Imagine twelve people all staring at you, and also through you, reading every tiny thought and emotion that comes by. Imagine you hate being stared at, you hate people reading your mind, and you have no idea why you are there. Then you can understand how I felt during that evening at work.

I postponed going to bed as long as I could stand it, but at midnight I gave up. I would have to go there and face Jedi. It took me forever to settle down and I really just wanted curl up into a ball and stay there. This guy has a name and his name is Mirmo, which is very strange and until last night, I refused to accept it. I refuse to because in my star wars fan fiction story, the master of my character is named Mirmo. I made this name up. I wanted the name to start with a "m" and then the rest was just me trying different letters together until I came up with something that felt right. Mirmo, the astral spirit claims that I subconscious linked to him and picked up his name. Boy, does that sound iffy.

Anyway, so Mirmo talked me into astral projecting to the hallway of the council room. It's a very pretty, full of light and over looking some sort of garden hallway. The only problem is, I can't relax and enjoy anything there. So, I stood there, with Mirmo near by, nervous, trying to refusing to come in. He told me he would be there, but I really didn't want him to come. I don't want to be around him, giving him this idea that I'm accepting his training. He gave me an option: either go in by myself, or go in with him. I thought about going by myself, which I have done several times in the past, but I realized the council probably wants me to go in with him, seeing how he went with me the last time, against my wishes. I decided in the end, to go with him. Before I entered the room, I gave my best shot at trying to get rid of all my fear.

There isn't much to see in the actually room. It's hardly like the movies, in that there are no windows, just blank walls, chairs and people looking at you. The power, the energy in the room is interesting though. There is a huge amount of energy which I can feel without even trying. I gave a small look around, noting some people weren't even human. I struggled to silence my thoughts and was told they knew what I was thinking. That didn't help with trying to calm down. I resorted to sterning telling myself to shut up and finally did.

The problem with projecting is sometimes the detail of the trips is not very clear. Telling who said what, or what action happened isn't very easy to do. So I know what was said to me, but for the life of me, I don't know who said it. I know someone told me that a blood test that had been done the night before, showed I was stressed. I was asked if I was stressed at work during the day. I said yes. I was asked why. I told them it was a sunday, so the store was busy for that reason. There was a sale going on and no matter how fast I worked, I could not keep up with the costumers. I was then asked if I had an overload. I thought for a minute and said if I did have one, it was a mild one. I didn't have the normal signs of an empathy overload, but I had been around a lot of customers, so it was a possibility. I was asked why didn't I meditate. Doh! I had a hard time avoiding the response of "because I didn't think of that" which sounds dumb and immature. Anyway, I got their point. I really should work hardly on not stressing out. It's a bad habit I have and I'm trying to get rid of old habits that harmed me for too many years.

The next topic that I can remember, was Mirmo. Someone went on for a while, basically telling me the council wants me to take Mirmo and let him train me without a fuss. Grrr. I was asked if I had anything to say. I thought desperately, but I couldn't think of a way out of this. They must by now know my reasons for not wanting him. They must have a reason for forcing this on me. The weird thing that really got to me, is how closely this meeting was to one of my chapters in my story. The differences were in my story, Mirmo does all the talking, and the reason why I don't take him on right away is I don't want to embarrass him. In my story, have the girl reach into the Force and look into the future to see if this is the right thing to do or not. Well, if this meeting was going to be like my story, I thought I should go look into the future and see what might see if he's there.

To do this, I opened myself up to the energy in the room, with no thought in mind. I knew the energy there was strong, but I was not ready for what I felt. The energy in there is stronger than strong. It's overwhelming. At first, I nearly lost all control and would of been taken over, had I forced myself to gain control. I'm not sure how I did it, but I managed to aviod a big painful overload. Next, I focused on the future part.

For those who are leaning closer to the screen in excitement or wonder, don't. There was nothing really exciting, to me, about this part. Seeing the future is hard, confusing, and dangerous at times. The best way I can explain what I "saw" was like watching two seconds here and there of a movie, which leads you to think one way, which is the completely wrong way. So I don't trust anything I "saw" or felt. With that said, I don't really remember much because it went by so fast and didn't seem to mean anything. The only thing that I can remember was seeing an image of him. I know that isn't much and I would love to give more details, but I don't have more to give.

I opened my eyes and looked that the council. The future held no clear answer, or barely an answer at all. I sighed and knew I would just have to accept this request I hoped they knew what they were doing. I told the council I would agree to this and was demised, though Mirmo was asked to stay. What they wanted with him, I didn't care. I wanted out of there. I walked out of there and through the hall before I opened my eyes in real life. A few minutes later Mirmo, telepathly told me the council was impressed by my little energy show. I told him it was nothing because I still didn't want to take anything, good or bad, from him.

Now, I realize what I did was a first for me. I had never been able to control such amount of energy without losing to a nasty overload. This meant I had done something during my time at college. It also meant that I did have the control, but never knew it because I've always worked with small amounts. Mirmo wanted to check for an overload and I think he put me to sleep.

[JediKaren]

Well, despite agreeing to train under Mirmo (well more like half forced) I'm still unhappy with this. I don't want to do this. I hate being made to do things I really don't want to do. Last night he wanted to ap to his healing room to get help for the rest. I asked where this room was. He said on the third floor. I thought about the floor, and couldn't think of where his room would be. He said down the hall. It must be down the hall where everyone gets their own private room. I asked him if I could ap outside of his room to comfirm this. At first, he didn't want me to, but with some pleding he let me. The room was a healing room, with a table to lie down on and some machines.

He had me lie down and relax. He was going to send energy through me. He turned around for a second and my thoughts wondered off. I stopped daydreaming and noticed he was about to give me a shot. Ack! I hate shots like you wouldn't believe. He said he was giving me something that would help me relax. I froze up and stayed that way until he was done. Whatever he gave me worked and half put me to sleep. I don't remember what he did, but eventually I turned over in real life, breaking the projection, and went to sleep on my own.

[JediKaren]

I think for the most part, it came from a feeling of rebellion. I really do hate being told I have to do this or training under this person. I like having a choice, having the chance to say no. I know it's a control problem. Anyway, the good news is I've stopped fighting him. He was rather useful during my two weeks at Mexico for healing upset stomachs (don't eat salad), putting me to sleep ( my dad snores like you wouldn't believe) dealing with a 48 hour stomach flu, and healing the daily sunburn I got, especially on the last day when I burned my back and shoulders to a painful crisp (it still hurts)

Now to update on last night, well I've learned something. You can half lie, half deny to astral spirits that you are depressed and close to tears, but you can't lie to an online empath who is your friend. I was pretty shocked to find my friend asked me why I was sad. I said I was tired and feeling overwhelmed with all the work I need to get done.

Honestly, it goes much deeper than that. I went away for two weeks and no one seemed to miss me. I came back bursting with tale to tell, and no one wants to hear them. So I'm kinda lonely. There are a million internet chores i need to get done and I don't have much internet time to do them. I also have to work at a stressful job. Plus this sunburn is really bothering me. So I got depressed last night. I realize why I have so much trouble with depression. I have no idea how to handle it, so I just let it take over me. I don't know how to handle it because my father won't admit I have a depression problem. It's like at my home you're not allowed to get depressed. If you do, then keep it to yourself and don't bother other people with it. And if you get so bad you think of sucide, well you're weak and pityful. If you kill yourself you're really weak and if you just think about it, you're not really serious and just being immature. So I've grown up with bad habits of how to deal with my emotions. I usually hide them and only let other people know about them if it gets to the point I'm crying. So, Mirmo tried to get me to open up ( and managed to) to tell him all of this.

*sighs* Well my goal for this summer is not to let last horribly dark summer happen again. I've got to figure out what went wrong, how it happened, and how to keep it from happening again. I don't have to have the best summer, I just need to keep my spirits vaguely up.

[JediKaren]

Mirmo has decided to heal me before starting training. This really isn't new, Calmista and others have done the same. But, he wants both body and mind healthy before starting anything. For my body, he's letting it do its job, but for the mind, well, he's doing all of it.

It seems that when I had a slight breakdown at the end of the semester, I did damage to myself, I'm gathering much like what I did to myself during the summer. Acording to him, I have a sum of harmful energy in me, that he is determined to get out. Unforunately, he has to go into my mind to extract this energy. I don't like and more times than not, will refuse or fight anyone who tries to enter. I have spent years building up a defense system to keep people from wondering in and trying to take control, a great fear I had for years. Even when I do allow someone in, it's hard to relax enough to let them in and not kick them out at any time.

So the first step is him making me consciously relax and open as much as I can. Last night he tried to rush me and got me all tense and mentally growling at him. Once I'm relaxed enough, some how he calms me further, putting me in what he calls a trance. I'm not sure if this is a true trance. It's a strange state. My body falls sleep, my breathing slows as if I'm asleep, my mind quiets and becomes still, but I'm still conscious. I can still think, but not too much. It's like when I'm astral projecting, but much deeper and I'm not aware of my body, only my mind.

At this point, I can feel him in my mind, and pretty powerless to kick him out. Well, I could, but it would mean forcing myself out of the trance, which would hurt and isn't easy. He warns me, generally, that he's going to do something that will hurt. He says he's breaking through my defense. It hurts, but not as one would think. What he does after this, i have no idea.

I do know that I will fall asleep. I don't dream and I feel like it's a really deep sleep. It's really hard to wake up from this sleep. This afternoon he put me through another trance and when I did wake up it took me forever to just open my eyes, and longer yet to get out of my mind.

He says a few days of this healing will cure me and I should notice a change. The only thing I've noticed is a change in my mood. I'm a bit more happier, more energic, not really hyper, but a bit more cheerful and random.

[JediKaren]

Two nights ago Mirmo put me in another trance, deeper than what he was putting me into. My father was snoring loudly in the room next door, so I was going to get up and close my door. The problem was, I thought getting out of a trance was like stopping an astral projection. When I astral project and want to stop, I just open my eyes, maybe feel a bit of dizziness, but then can get up and move around. It's hardly that easy when trying to get out of a trance. For one thing I tried to sit up and about half way I felt like I rammed my head at full speed into a brick wall. Second, it felt like I was trapped in my mind, unable to get out. that caused a fair amount of panic. Mirmo let me out of the trance, but very very slowly, too slow for me. I had to go in steps, like first waiting until I was awaken enough to open my eyes, and then keep them open, and finally be able to sit up.

Then yesterday he put me into another trance, but when he first did it I wasn't ready and got really scared at first. I really really hate that feeling of being put into one. I lose all control over myself and just have to trust him to know what he's doing and not take advantage of me *shudders* Then, I have no way of getting out of it, unless me lets me. Also, he put me in a light one last night, which mean I was pretty much aware of everything, but couldn't do anything.

I hope this only goes on for a few more days. I don't think I can stand it for much more.

[JediKaren]

I think I owe Mirmo an apology for my not so great behavior last night.

I was having a really bad day, getting overloaded with bad news, feeling tired, sore, and possibly sick. I wanted/ needed to vent on someone, to boss them around instead of it being me and poor him got to be the victim. I was rude, overly stubborn and seriously angry at him. It wasn't right. I think he knew all of this and didn't try to put me in a trance because of that. I'm not feeling a lot better today, but at least no one has told me any bad news.

[JediKaren]

Well last night was another night of healing, but for a different reason. For some reason, my shoulder blades were extremely sore and stiff and feeling cramp, but moving them around and stretching made them hurt even more. It was bad enough I went to bed early when I got home from work. So I went to Mirmo's healing room. He rubbed my back a bit and then tried to help my restlessness ( I hate being pinned flat on my back. I like sleeping on my side when I can). He said he would give me a bit of training, something for me to think about.

First he asked me what is the sound of falling rain?

My first thought to that is "pitter patter" and told him so. He asked me if it was really that. I thought about it more and realized that if the rain is slow, it just drips. Then, I realized there are a lot of sounds to rain, depending on how strong and fast it's coming down.

Then he asked me what is the sound of the Force/psi/ energy?

Sound? There's no sound to energy. How could you hear it using your ears? Did he mean by your ears? Even if he didn't, how would I explain it? Does he mean what is the feeling of energy? Also, what' the connection between the two questions? I have no idea, but this isn't good if this is the start of the training. Btw anyone got any ideas on these questions? Help is much appreciated!