JK's Third AP Log

[JediKaren]

Things have finally gone back to normal. I'm not crying. I don't have random panic attacks. My emotions have leveled off (as much as they ever do). I can concentrate in class. I've gone back to taking care of my site and I feel good now. Of course, I'm not out of the woods yet and won't be until after the funeral, but for now, I have accepted the fact she is going to die, why, how, and know this is plain out of my hands. I have grieved and move on, the way I should and want to. At the same time, I know that sooner than I want to think about, I will be back where I was, but now I know I can get out of it and I know how. Stay busy, don't be alone and yes, it is ok to cry and take a break from life for a short time. No one will think of you as weak, which is a fear I was struggling with all week.

Today was a bit interesting. I spent the whole day tired beyond reason with 8 hours of sleep, yawning my head off. I took a 3 hour nap before dinner and then a two hour nap after dinner and currently feel pretty awake and good.

Before my two hour nap Mirmo had noticed my excess need for sleep and the headache I had and made me go to his office to be looked over. Well, I don't like healers or doctors and put up with him for a short time before he wanted to do something (can't remember what) and walked out of his office with him saying something about the council. I thought he was saying he was going to have to report this to the council and at the time I could have cared less about it. I walked out of his door way, one or two steps forward, looked up and stopped dead cold. The reason why I stopped so suddenly was because I saw one council member. You can imagine the curses silently running through my head as I try to desperately suppress them. I was asked where I was going and more thoughts and curses raced. I told them that I needed to step out and was going back in (ok yes, I was lying, but I just left the room in a bit of a temper) So I backed up, went in and the guy followed me, along with the rest of the council (more cursing and paleness)

Someone asked Mirmo how I was doing and Mirmo told the council that I was under stress (well after a horrible week with finals one week away and then I have to go back to a horrible home, no duhh). That's when the whiteness came over me.

It was sort of like I fainted, but didn't faint. It seemed my surroundings of the room disappeared and all there was was this white nothingness. I was still partly aware of my real body, but not my astral body. I could still think and feel (a lot of fear too). It felt like the whiteness was advancing and making it's way through my body. When I felt like I was taken totally over the whiteness I stopped projecting (or whatever I was doing) and "woke up" to my room again.

I laid in my bed, trying to figure out what had happened. My head hurt, even worse than before and just laid there with my eyes closed. I became aware that it felt like someone was pulling on my spirit, trying to lead me somewhere. I didn't like the feeling and started trying to get back to my body. I was asked to come. I decided to go along. It felt like two people were carrying me from Earth, through space and to somewhere else. (Yes I know this is crazy, but bare with me.) I didn't like be carried. It felt like if they dropped me I was going to fall and die, even though one can fly when aping and one can't die when aping either.

So I was finally placed on my foot on this platform jutting out from this really tall building. I started walking to the building when the platform contracted. I ran, but the platform was too fast and I fell off. I grabbed the edge of the platform and climbed back on and hurried inside the building.

The room I was in seemed huge, but later I would learn what huge was. The walls were brown and there was not much in there of interest. The feeling of the room I was in was a quiet peace. I looked to my left to see a hallway with a curved cieling and the same brown walls. Yoda was there and I followed him through the hallways. We came to this balcony that had this view of an open space. I looked up and saw a huge dome made out of glass and stone. It was beautiful and graceful.

I climbed up on the railing and then floated a bit off the railing and flew to the top of the dome. I looked around and then headed for the ground. I flew past a lot of levels and a lot of beautiful stone work. At the bottom was this low level with a ton of columns. The room was wide, silent, dark, and empty. I decided I had seen enough for one visit and stopped projecting to go take my two hour nap.

Any thoughts or ideas of what that weird whiteness was?

[JediKaren]

well I had a good week of semi peace, but now the nightmares are coming back. I broke down a few days ago and cried again about my mom and the realization that yes, I am coming home to my slowly dying mom, is coming up soon and I will have to face it (oh joy). Meanwhile finals are very close and I so badly want this all over with as fast as possible.

[JediKaren]

well currently I'm pretty stable emotional wise, but that's only on the outside. If you were to look in, you would see a nightmare. If fact most nights I do have nightmares and wake up scared out of my (fill in with some cursing).

I think my major problem is I want to so badly believe that I don't fear death. I want to believe it's not that fact that my mom will be gone forever. I want to believe it's only the act of dying, of fading away that makes me sweat at night, cry, want to scream, and curl up into a ball of self pity.

I have talked to too many people. I'm sure my whole extended family would listen to me rant for days because they want to help. Talking to people doesn't help. It's too easy to lie. It's too easy to say something, but not mean it. You can't lie in your dreams. You can't lie to the fear and get away with it. All you can do is ignore and that just makes things worse. Yet it seems to be the easiest route. Oh are the a million Jedish things running through my head right now and all of them sound fake.

Another problem is I want to so badly seem strong to everyone. In fact, some cases I have to. My father will not tolerate any weakness. No crying. No screaming. No anger or fear. Utter, mindless focused control. Don't let your emotions show in front of him. He sees emotions, expressing emotions as a sign of weakness. The problem is feeling and showing emotion is not just natural, but a must in order to heal. So while when you are not showing emotion you can focus on other things, you are in the long term slowing your life down in a grinding halt of a complete and torturous breakdown that could wreak the rest of your life.

I have tried to tell myself death is natural. Everyone dies. I will. Somehow that doesn't scare me. But when I think of my mom dying, I nearly wet my pants. I have tried to tell myself that my parents will die at some point even if she didn't have cancer. Then my mind gets stuck on the point that parents aren't suppose to die when you are about 21 and in college.

Another fear I have is change. Yeah, I fear change like no other. I like getting into a pattern that is safe and comfortable and staying that way. I must change my pattern, I want it as close as I can get to the last pattern and I want the change to happen fast and smooth. No problems, no crises. When my mom dies, life is going to turn to pure hell for a few years. No money, no home, no job, and college is going to be tough money wise. Now I have done planning. I have talked to a friend's mom and asked if I could stay there for breaks. My sis will help me pay for college. But for the first time in my life I will be family less. Of course I hate my abusive father and the rest of the family doesn't have a clue what my father is really life, so I can't live with them. There are things in my up coming life I just can't plan and it's scary to think about that.

Well that's my rant for now. What brought this on is the fact that my father threatened me again on Chirstmas, saying if we fought I would lose. It doesn't sound like a threat, but the sub text of that message was if you fight me, I will beat the living day light out of you, so don't even try it. Shut up and do what I say or I'll beat you until you obey me. And when your father is 6 feet and you are a short 5'2'', and he's at least twice your weight, you know he means it. You know he means it more when he has punched/slapped/ threated to: kill/punch/beat you. Nice father huh? See why I can't live with him when my mom dies? It's suicide for me.

The other reason for this rant is because my dad said last night my mom is bedridden with lots of pain now and he thinks she has maybe 6 months, but again, remember you can't predict cancer.

[JediKaren]

(here is an old entry that should have been posted some time ago)

My sister had called me and well I cried a fair amount to her, feeling horrible about the stuff going on at home and went I got off, I still felt pretty bad and just wanted to curl up into a weak, sad ball. Someone, an ap spirit, asked me how I was. I told the truth. Normally I will say that I'm fine because I don't want to admit I'm not, or I don't want to deal with them nagging me. This time it seems I was being "rewarded" for my truthful answer and was asked to follow him. I asked where I was going. I was told somewhere I hadn't been. It took me several tries because I was so emotional I couldn't concetrate.

I was brought to a training room that consisted of white walls and blue mats. Oh and Obi Wan Kenobi. He wanted to do some training. I told him I really wasn't fit to do any training and almost walked out of the door when ee then held out a small circular droid like thing. I instantly knew what it was. This thing was going to zap me in a million places, ruining what little ego I had and really get me thoroughly depressed. We argued some more when Yoda showed up and that was the end of that. I had to stop projecting just to collect myself a bit and talk myself into really doing this. I also spent a few minutes curing the timing of all this and realizing there was no way I could ask him to leave (it's like ordering a cat around)

All I had to do at first was watch Obi Wan Kenobi practice with the droid. To me, it was boring at first. I couldn't see the point. There was no way I could copy him and I was far too emotional to sense through psi what he was doing. Then I go thinking the way I teach myself. If I do watch someone, I notice not the whole act, but little things like he kept the hilt close to his body, but had the blade follow the droid. He didn't move very much (no fancy swinging that I can't understand why anyone wastes so much energy utter than for the camera) except to dart out of his close zone to deflect a bolt.

Then came my turn. I fully and openly admit I was more than nervous. I was being watched (I hate that) doing something I knew little about other than I was going to get zapped to death and I wasn't in the mood for that. I very well might have been able to block a bolt (I know I have all the skills for such a thing and actually in a toy version have done it the proper way), but my shot nerves blocked me off from the energy and that wasn't a good time to ground and fully center.

Then the thing shot at me. Ok, this makes me want to laugh as well, but the thing shot me! Like really! Like it's not suppose to do that! Where I live, one does not get shot ever and mental globes shouldn't shoot at you either. Yes, lame, but if you think about a shelter 20 years old life who knows only school, friends, and nothing about guns or gun fights, my reaction makes a lot more sense. Well, it was a bit too much for me to handle being shot at and I really really needed sleep (I only got 5 1/2 hours anyhow) so I left. No lectures. No dragging me back. Maybe they had done what needed to be done and that was to distract me from my pain until I was tired enough to sleep.

[JediKaren]

(ok back to current time)

Mirmo has actually gotten me to talk. Amazing. Truly, seeing how no one else in the astral plane can do that except for Calmista who refuses to take part in family problems, something I still don't understand.

He didn't get me to talk much, mostly because I fall asleep before long, but for two nights in a row he convinced me to ap to his office or bedroom and talk about what's going on in my house. Currently things aren't good, though nothing in my home is great. I've decided the motto of my home is "There is no peace; there is drama". Constantly fights. Dad bullying both of us. There's a lot of crying on my part. More anger being thrown around than you shake a stick at. And sadly, my mom is getting worse (well duh, she is dying after all).

Think one of the reasons why he has gotten me to talk was a week before Christmas I pulled a muscle in my back and was in a lot of pain for the first few days. So Mirmo gave me this wonderful massage that completely relaxed my whole body and mind. Yoda came in, sadly ruining the lovely feeling I was purring out and I told him we had to talk (about home, but that's another story) and thus ended the happiness. He apprently told Mirmo that was the most relaxed he's seen me and I think that's the most relaxed I've been since....well for too long. No food, sleep, bed, or meditation has ever done that to me. I admit I've been half craving that massage again, but I couldn't ask for it. I don't need it medically....just in ever other, not important way.

I better stop before I start sounding as if I like the guy.

[T_Hornberger]

Yeah, because we all know how HORRIBLE It would be to admit some cool guy that cares about you is cool.

[JediKaren]

*tries very hard to keep a straight, growling face*

Why do I have that feeling someone on the astral plane is laughing at me? *rubs forehead*

[JediKaren]

I swear this pain won't end. I swear life is trying its hardest to make me hate the world, my life, fate, and my parents. God, I can barely stand this, if stand this at all. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of anger. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of being confused all the time. I want to know what to feel without the guilt of feeling it.

Last night was a dark night. I spent hours going in and out of incredibly dark anger. It was directed mostly at my mom who was up all night smoking and probably drinking in the bathroom which is close to my room. I had the door closed to keep out most of the smoke, but there was nothing I could do for the sound. She's going out in the worst way. She's killing herself. She's smoking her self to death. She won't get testing because she sees no point. Arg, self centered, weak, coward ********************************* (fill in with curse words).

I had the most trouble trying to talk myself out of my own anger. I kept telling myself I couldn't afford to get angry. I have a life, college, a future, a site and so on. Yet, well, it's easy to drown in your own pain.

Then I was woken up earlier than usual this morning without much sleep. The morning was going ok up until I checked on my wounded cat. The poor cat got pretty beaten up, we think by a possum spotted a few weeks earlier. We live in a wooded area with lots of houses, so it would make sense to see one, only this is the first one I've seen in my neighborhood. Well to get back on track here, I discovered a huge wound on her tail. This is seriously not good. The cat isn't eating, drinking a lot of water, and hiding from us. We know she's in pain, but we didn't realize it was that bad. We're not sure what to do. The vet can't do much for her. She may have to be put to sleep.

It's like just when I think it can't get worse it does. Just when I think I hit the bottom, there is a new one to be found. It's not enough my dad's abusive treatment is getting worse. It's not enough my mom is slowly, well more quickly dying. Now life adds on one of my cats.

I want to go back to college and forget about this mess. I just want to this to end.

[T_Hornberger]

"In times of darkness turn on the light." Did you ever hear that quote? It is something you should maybe think about a little bit. I understand that things are going bad for you, and I'm truly sorry for you, but you have to realize getting mad at it, and stuff is only going to make it harder, and more hellish for you to deal with. All I can say is try and try to think positively, because this is life. Bad things happen, they come, but then they go. Everybody deals with things, and it's just a part of life. Somewhat of what you are going through is only going to be as bad as YOU make it. You have been offered by many people, that if you need to talk, you can talk to them, perhaps you should take some of these people up on their offers one day. It would probably do yourself alot of good. Now, about the cat. There is nothing the vet can do, have you tried to heal your cat? I thought I read somewhere about you being able to heal. If not, have you tried to ask anybody around here to try and help heal the cat? The situation with the cat is bad, but you were only saying the bad things. Take some time to concider the good...it is possible the cat will live and get better, and it is possible that somebody around here or you can help it get better. Well, I'm done talking now...I mean I'm sure you probably will read this and think..."well, easier said then done, i'm going through all this stuff, and nobody else has any idea what it is like"...I understand if you think that, but just read it and think about it. Hell, read it again if you have to. I wish you the best of luck.

[JediKaren]

Life is better. Although I had decided not to ap and just get some good healing sleep, I did some thinking and decided that I did want to talk to one spirit. This was someone I don't think people would expect me to talk to, nor I would expect. But that is me. The unpredictable, random me.

I decided to talk to Anakin Skywalker simply because I feel like he understands my situation the best and a person who I feel I can connect with best. Of course there are others who may be able to talk to me better, but right now I'm sick of them. Looking back to last night, I know I made the right decision.

There were two problems with my little plan. First off I didn't know where to find him. That temple is huge, far bigger than my mind can comprehend. It's not like I can just picture him and then go where ever he is. I needed to know what he looked like. I decided that I would go to that main first, huge room and ask some one, hoping beyond hope Yoda did not come to find me. Well he did come, but he was at the end of the hallway and I plain, flat out said no. I wasn't going to come with him. End of story. I suppose I'm getting over any fear of him if I'm brave enough to tell him no.

The funny part was when I first walked in I was like "ok pretty.. ohh tall cieling, Ok Karen focus. Ok, people on your right. Cool, now focus." And then Qui Gon showed up. I polited asked him where Anakin was. He pointed into the crowed and I so wanted to smack myself for not noticing. I asked him if he was always there. I was told yes. The need to smack myself got stronger. I was also told Yoda wanted to see me after I was done with Anakin (sigh)I gathered up my nerves and went over to Anakin. He was taking on the appearance in ep 3, which is rather good looking in my opinion (though not my type to date, so don't get ideas). It took me two tries with much real life giggling (gosh I'm thinking high school teen girl here with football player) to ask him if we could talk somewhere private. He agreed and took me somewhere.

The place I was taken to was not part of the temple, but something close. It was a building and we were on the highest floor, close to the dome cieling with open walls to look down below. It was really pretty. He agreed with me, saying this was from my imagination. I realized this is was one of my scenes from a story I'm writing called, Reaching Through Darkness. He said he liked my imagination. I blushed, realizing he had been in my mind (and he's the only one not to tick me off for doing that). So I asked him what advise he had for my current, depressing, harmful, dark situation. He said to first listen to Yoda (sigh) and second to have hope. Not so much to have hope for my mom (that's a lost cause), but for my cat and future. I know others have said it. I know anyone could have said it, but for some reason he hit home and did bring hope into me. Like suddenly I felt like I could have hope, that things were not as dark as they seem.

We talked more, mostly commenting on my site, his cooliness, and how both of us have failed to win a squirt gun fight against Yoda, but in my hopefully, maybe even foolish mood, I felt it could be done, we just need to put heads together and think this out very carefully. Ha, I will win and he shall not continue to get me wet expectantly. Mwhahahaha (ok, maybe I have gone to the darkside). I also have other plans for that squirt gun, but that will stay will with me. I thanked Anakin for his time and we agreed to talk again. He really is cool. Too bad he went dark, but I think I understand probably better than most why.

I was tired afterwards, so curled up into my warm ball of warmness and went to sleep. Hmm, I guess I forgot to go to that little other talk. Opps *innocent grin*

[JediKaren]

Well this is a day old, but oh well.

It was a stressful, depressing, angry day, well more than usual anyhow. I had a nightmare that night. It wasn't a really bad one where I couldn't go back to sleep, but bad enough to remember the next day. A few hours after I got up my dad picked a fight with my mom over her smoking and how she has to be more careful with her ashes. I got really mad at him for yelling at my mom and called him a bully and coward (ok so it sounded good then). I went to my room to steam and I heard him come to my mom and mock me. I got really mad and walked out of the house and took a two hour walk in the woods.

Walking in the woods was the best thing I could have done. I badly needed to get out of the house. I needed to release these stored up emotions, and I needed the healing nature gives me just by walking. When I came back to the house I was foot sore, tired, hot, but peaceful. I was expecting my dad to ground me and lecture me or even force me to apologize to him for my anger, but he didn't.

My dad and I then went to the store and on the way he told me that my mom is getting a bit "childish" (his word) and if he is treating her like a child, that's why. That hurt so much. It hurt because it painfully reminded me of my grandparents and how both of them went "childish" in their last few years. It was another painful reminder that my mom is dying and she really won't get better. It may be silly and hopeless, even illogical to think she'll get better, but my mind won't wrap around the idea that she is going to die. I keep thinking she's just sick with some nasty bug and will get over this. Yet, all I see is her getting worse, faster than I want to believe.

I spent the afternoon deeply depressed. I was in so much pain, so sick of the pain, the anger, the stress, and the weakness of my response to all of this. I'm not taking this well. I've fallen apart and I feel like I can't nor want to get back up. But I'm shamed of myself and my emotions. Maybe I shouldn't, but I am. In my mind, I should be strong. I should not cry. I should not be scared or angry. I should be brave and never show this emotional weakness I have. But I can't do any of that and hurts me so much to cry.

After dinner I went to my room with the lights off and curled up into a ball on my bed. I was really tired and really depressed. Mirmo telepathically asked me what was wrong. I was in no mood to talk or explain myself all over (I've talked too many online friends about all of this and no one has a good answer). He threatened that if I didn't take to him he would bring Yoda into this. Normally at that point I would talk, not wanting to bother anyone else with my same old, must be boring problems, but this time I didn't care. I wasn't going to talk. I was in too much pain.

I waited for him to come. I was scared too. I didn't want to talk to him and knew he was going to force it out of me, probably in a way I wasn't going to like. I sensed him come. He was on my bed and my body froze. For some time, this went on. But then I found myself relaxing and getting sleepy. My eyes closed, almost against my will. My mind went blank and that's when I realized this was his doing. I froze again and fought to wake up. People do not control my mind. Not him or anyone. I found myself growing sleepy with my eyes shutting tighter. Then I woke up. This went on several more times. I still refused to talk again, but I would let him in my mind if that's want he wanted. He did. But first I was put in this strange trance like thing. I was completely zoned out. I wasn't asleep nor awake. I could heard people walking through the house, but I couldn't move or open my eyes. Then I found myself waking up some more. I asked if he went in. He did. I asked him if it was sad. It was. I decided to ap to Mirmo's office.

Again, I was put in a very strange state of mind. It was something between a dream and an projection, but seemed to be neither. I found myself in this hot air ballon, floating over this big forest. I spotted Mirmo standing on the ground, calling for me. The problem was I wasn't sure how to control the ballon. I tried to figure out a way, but I couldn't. I told myself if this was a dream, I should be able to control the ballon. Then a warm gust of air floated me back to where Mirmo was standing. This really sounds crazy, but for some reason it felt like Yoda had blown that gust. It was just a feeling I had that came from no where.

The ballon landed and Mirmo helped me climb out. He started taking me into the woods. I didn't want to go, but he grabbed my arm and made me go in. The woods looked fake, like something out of a cartoon. He walked me through the woods until we came into this clearing with a cabin. He made me go in the cabin and shut the door. I didn't want to be in the cabin so I forced the door open, pulled out my lightsaber, jumped up at him, and attacked him. He very quickly responsed and knocked the hilt from my hand while forcing me back into the cabin and locked the door. I was really unhappy about this, but gave up. I was meant to be in that cabin. I decided if I had to be there, I would look around. There was a fire place, a table, two chairs, and Yoda sitting in the chair. He told me to take a seat. I did and wondered what was going on. Then another Jedi came, one I recognized from the movies and was on the council. The wooden chair morphed into a metal round one, turned around on it's own and I found myself facing the whole Jedi council. I was told this was a test. ACK! I did NOT like this and decided to force myself to wake up right then. I did, but it took such a great effort, like I was pulling myself out of a trance. It took me forever to fully wake up after that. I still have no idea what this was all about.

[JediKaren]

Well things have finally gone better, much better!

Last night I was writing a chapter for a story (sequel to The Emotional Battle) when I was told to come by someone. When I was done with my story, I put everything away and settled down to ap. I knew I had to go before the council, something I was nervous about. I had realized how badly I screwed up last time and I should have known that trip was not a dream, but a real projection, but what had been done was done and I could only apologize for my error and move on (yes, I'm in a good mood right now)

I aped to the hall right outside of the door to the council room, nervous as anything. Obi Wan was there, I guess making I didn't try to chicken out and try to calm down my racing nerves. He told me I would be fine, but at the time I didn't believe him.

I went in and stood at the center of the room. There was a long silence. I tried to look like I was sorry and humble for running on them. Had I been sure that wasn't a dream, I wouldn't had done so, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Anyway they started talking to me. They mentioned my fear and that I had a lot of it. Oh, I wanted to say "duh" of course I was scared, I was nearly shaking just being there, but that would have been rude, so I agreed with them. I told them there was a lot of uncertainty about my future, about my current life. I didn't like how I didn't know what was going to happen and I could prepare for anything, so it made me scared. I was asked what would I do if they had plans for me?

I had to wonder what plans. I asked if I could know what these plans were. I was told no, but I was betting they were going to say that anyhow. I thought about it. To agree would trust and willness to obey. But it would be also blind trust. I didn't know these people. I wasn't part of their group and wasn't fitting in well. I got the nerves to look around. Of course Yoda was there, not really looking at me. Qui Gon was there. There was a surprising jolt. I don't care a lot for the guy, but at least I knew about him. I realized to trust the council, would be to trust them and if I couldn't trust these two, what was I doing here? Why ap to the temple night after night if I didn't trust them? My heart melted and I knew I just silently agreed to obey them. I told them out loud I would do whatever they want to the best of my ability. I was told to complete college and would recieve more afterwards. Well I was planning on finishing college anyhow, but that still seemed kind of pointless.

They then picked on my anger. Ouch, not a fun topic. I had been so angry for so long, like the whole winter break seemed to be one angry fight after angry scene. I told them I when I got back to college I would be better and they should wait. They wanted to fix the problem now. Now? Not now, not after the meeting! I needed my sleep! They told me to prove to them I could get rid of my anger before I got more training on anger management. I didn't know how to prove it. Did they wanted me to meditate? I was told, I think, through private telepathy, to feel my anger and then let it rise through and above me. That turned out to be really hard. I couldn't get myself to feel the anger. I was too scared to show it. Something would happen if I let it out. I might hurt them or do something I really didn't want to do. I was implying that I couldn't control it. I finally forced myself to just do it. It was so hard and so scary. Imagine the darkest cloud you've ever seen. It was dark black, with thunder and lightening, threatening to pull out of my grip and do something. I then let it rise above me and go else where. I didn't care what happened to it. That was their problem.

When I was done I found my face wet with tears. Oh no! I was crying! ACK! Oh this was bad, really bad. I was told tears were natural as so was pain. I still didn't care.

I found myself strangely empty. It was like getting rid of all the acne from a pimple and being left with this ugly empty gap. I was still scared and in pain, but there was a large amount of me missing. I guess I made the anger a part of me. Anyway I was dismissed.

About five minutes later I found myself growing sleepy and sure enough I was being put to sleep. I really, really, I mean truly hate being put to sleep. The feeling of it is highly unsettling. I was told if I wasn't put to sleep, I would have nightmares. I decided being put to sleep wasn't so bad compared to nightmares. Some minutes later I was sleep. I know I dreamed last night, but I have no idea what and can't remember anything being horribly scary.

Today I'm fairly awake, happy, hyper and hope I stay this way.

[JediKaren]

well after some depression for a good 24 hours I went to bed for a nap or something. I wanted to be in the dark, lying down to be miserable in, Mirmo convinced me to project to his office. He thought I might be getting sick. I did have a sore throat. He gave me something for my depression, saying part of my problem is I'm chemically off. What he did wouldn't cure all of my depression, but should help. I went to sleep afterwards for a good two hour nap that seemed to be really light. I woke up later in a better mood. I wasn't hyper or really happy, but I wasn't near tears anymore. Kind of calm. I think it helps I have one more day until I go back to college and my new roommate called so that fear is gone. I had some fear about the new roommate I was getting and she didn't sound that bad.

[JediKaren]

Under the council's orders, I have met my "spirit" healer aka someone who's suppose to heal my spirit. I can't say that I love this idea. I have never liked going to counselors for help. They may be able to help me, but I don't like how they prey into my life. If I am going to have one, I want to be the one who decides to go to them, not be given on. But when was I given a say in the matter?

I've been given a woman, who is the stereotypical counselor and gah. She keeps asking these questions that are as painful as stabbing me in the back over and over. It doesn't help she started to meet me when I was still home and was in a fair amount of pain and anger.

But now I'm college. I'm away, far away from the pain, depression, fear, and anger. I'm already happier and I just got in about 5 hours ago. I hope my life gets more steady and I can calm down. I'm really really sick of emotion at this point.

[JediKaren]

Last night was not good at all. I had a nightmare. It wasn't one of those wake up shivering out of fear, but still upsetting.

I dreamed that I was in my room at home, hosting my birthday party. My friend Amy was in my room and had a spear with a really sharp tip. She had thrown it once and I sternly told her to not do anything with it again. She then threw it and the spear went into my door. I saw the paint on the door crack and then fall out.

My dad found out and was really disappointed with me. I remember, standing there, just sobbing my eyes out because I felt so bad when it wasn't my fault at all, but I knew I would get blamed and punished. It felt so terrible to have my dad mad at me. While I was crying, he was going on about how we were getting a great insurance rate, but now this was going to ruin that.

I woke up pretty upset and couldn't get myself to go back to sleep. I wasn't so much scared, but I felt like I had cried or something, even though I hadn't. I guess even in the peaceful and fun time spent at college for the last 24 hours doesn't make the pain and fear of home and my father go away. I'm so desperate to get away from that horrible nightmare of home and just forget about it. Pretend it doesn't exist. I know I can't health wise pretend home doesn't exist, but I still want to. I want to get caught up with school, my site, my friends, and have as much fun as I can. Part of me is trying to talk myself out of going to a school, free, counselor, saying that I'll be fine and I can handle myself, but I keep thinking of all the times I laid in my bed, in the dark, utterly depressed and miserable beyond words and keep thinking I can't go through that again. Arg, if I just didn't have this stupid ego that doesn't want to admit getting isn't a bad thing that will make me look weak in some way. I've had so many people tell me I'm so strong and they could never go through all that I have and am going through so well and part of me thinks I then have to live up to that image. I also know I don't have to, but the ego thinks so and the ego is an incredibly stubborn beast.