JK's Third AP Log

[JediKaren]

There have been numerous requests for me to keep up a log. Please note there are two other ap logs that you really really should read if you want to have a clue about what I am talking about.

Anyway, I have various scattered, uncomplete log entries around different sites, so I'll post them here first and then see if I can get myself to post the more interesting ones that happen.

[JediKaren]

Please note all enteries until told so, are dated.

Ok this is going to be a little different from the other ones. First off I'm now in college. Because I'm in college I have a hard time focusing on the astral plane. I'm not entirely sure why. I believe it has to do something with I haven't spent 18 (I'm 20) years in one room and this room still feels a bit strange. There have been times I have woke up and not sure where I am, but I could be back home. It takes me some time to realize that is wrong and I'm back in college. Another thing is at home I didn't want to be at home. I didn't like the darkness. I didn't like the anger. I wanted to escape that, so aping was easy. I had no fear of leaving my body or fear of the astral plane. So that I think made it easy.

So because I have trouble aping, meaning I don't ap as clearly as I did, I can't stay focused for long, I don't remember as much, so therefore I don't aping as often, the entries will be fewer and shorter (or so I think as of now). I'm sorry about this, but this really is the best I can do. I predict (although by now you would of thought I have learned not to predict anything astral related) that the trips will center around the Jedi temple, Calmista, and healers. I don't think I will be spending much time in an other temple. I'm not really a warrior, nor want to be, so I won't be spending much time in the Warrior's temple, unless they ask me to, or their council wants me to do something. I will be spending the next few posts trying to remember some trips that have been going on since I stopped writing.

[JediKaren]

this is not a memory, but some rambling I wish to do...

I have trained for the last 6 years. 4 of them were done on my own, without helps of friends, articles or teachers. The next year was purely articles, friends and chatrooms. The last year was done on the astral plane. I have been trained in many things, probably more than I can remember, but I do seem to remember a few: psi training, Force training, lightsaber training, teaching others, teaching myself, facing the darkside, facing my fears, meditation, learning to live around others, training around others, training alone, training with people like myself, learning the psi community, learning the Jedi community, putting together a site, learning to trust, lreaning to be a psion.

Although the last 4-5 months have been spent mainly on Jedi sites I realize that I still am not a Jedi. Oh, I know about the Force, more than any Jedi I've heard or meet (not counting ap Jedi). I could write a few pages about Jedi phiiosophy, and I know how to react to a situation in a Jedi way. The trouble is I'm still not a Jedi. I know plenty about Jedi spirit and theory, but I haven't tested the theory yet. I'm far too entranced by the Force and what can be done with the Force and how the Force effects us, to even think about such things act controlling my temper or committing myself to a team effort. Admitly I have neve been a team player. I rather be on my own that follow someone's orders. Anyone who has read my log can easily see that as I fight and rebell against my guide and anyone else who threatens my freedom.

I guess now it's time I break away (oh how I do cry) from the Force, from energy, from my abilities and put my focus and concentration (I have such a thing?) on to not just acting like a Jedi, but being one. I think I will be much happier, no longer in torturous doubt of my Jedism. I'm not trying to prove to others I am a Jedi, but myself. For six long years I have repeatly doubted and wanted to leave this path because I did not feel worth. Each time, strangely enough I come back, knowing I am a Jedi. I wish to just stop, stop forever, may I never think about that doubt again, stop doubting being a Jedi.

I have a feeling that college is not just teaching me what I will know in the classes, but it will be the true Jedi trials I have longed for. I'm not entirely sure where to go, who to go, or when to go, but perhaps realizing this will start the process.

That, or I could be entirely wrong....*shrugs* who knows aside from the astral people who seem to know everything possible and impossible. May this journal turn out well.

[JediKaren]

Last night was a very strange night, even for my standards, which have been increasing due to all the ap trips. The main Jedi site that I have been spending most of my time and energy on is down, possibly forever. No one knows what exactly is going on. At this exact moment I'm now finding out that it wasn't really my fault at all..

arg...I seriously just want this to stop.

Ok back to last night. Anyway when I did finally get off I took a shower to get warm due to the fact that I was freezing cold. On the way back from my shower I realized how tired I was. I was really really tired, coming off from a several hour caffine high. There was an astral voice telling me to astral projection to the Jedi temple. I didn't want to, I really didn't want to. I was so full of fear and guilt that I was shaking and on the edge of crying. I was eventually talked into turning off the lights and laid on my bed still.

At first I was too scared to get out of my body. I haven't been able to not ap for months and months. It's very rare that I can't ap, even if scared or feeling guilty. This fear was that gripping me. So for a while I felt this energy all over me and for the first time in months I felt my mark on my forehead. It was very strong. Then I was asked to breathe, I already knew how and why, and to calm down. Enough of my fear left that I could get out of my body, but I couldn't reach the astral temple. Instead, I was in my room. I was told, by the Jedi voice to go out of my room. What was the strange part was it was the clearest astral project I've done ever. The details, the feel, the reality of it all was beyond anything I've exprienced. It was far better than my own memory of the hall, of the bathroom. After the bathroom I went to the stairs, to the first floor, to the lobby and outside. I went down to the near by lake under his request. I looked out into the night over the pond. It was so quiet and peaceful...so calming. I spent a few minutes there before the voice told me that was all. I felt my ap body being returned to my body.

I found my fear more or less gone and I tried to ap to the door of the Jedi temple. It took a few tries, once again showing how hard it was for me to astral project, but I got there, but not quite so much clarity. The door to the temple isn't very special. In fact, you wouldn't know you were entering anything huge and grand by the door. I was let in by a guard that is always there. I looked around. Usually when I'm there I feel small..like everyone is taller than they should be. The ceiling (which really is a very very high ceiling) is usually impossibly high. The people, who are always on my left were there, quietly talking.

A guy, not human and someone who I vaguely remember seeing in one of the movies came up to me. He took my hand and led me to the right, to this door and down these stairs. I knew where we were going for I have been there before. We entered intoa room with a pool, a grotto, that was hot and steamy. I told the Jedi that I didn't have a bathing suit (ok I was a little out of it at the time) and he told me to put one on. I realized I could manifest one and did so. I went into the pool. It was nice, but I culdn't feel the heat of the pool, unless I concetrated on it.

We talked some. I was told it really wasn't my fault and I shouldn't feel so bad. TOJO was just a pretend site..made for me to practice. It was like a playpen that got out of control. Oh well. This morning I have been finding out more and more what exactly was going on. Anyway after a while I was so tired I couldn't focus anymore and then went to bed.

[JediKaren]

*sighs*
I really rather not report this...but I should because I was wrong and behaved badly....

The members of TOJO have been fighting with each other, causing me a lot of stress and anger. No one is acting like a Jedi, including myself. Unforunately and stupidly these emotions stick with me as I astral project. So I made the BIG mistake of getting angry at Yoda. *looks down in pure shame and guilt* I was lucky enough not to get lectured or told off. I accused him of coming to me to yell at me (or as I put it "biting my head off") for my actions on the site. I felt like everyone was mad at me and I was trying to fight back to protect myself. It doesn't help I was having a really BAD day with ex boyfriends giving me trouble and someone had hacked my chatroom, ruining the first Sunday chat program I was starting. Grrr. Oh well. It's in the past. I should learn from, drop it, and move on. I know I should apologize for my anger. I had no right to vent on him. I really had no idea why he came. At least today was a bit better. People are still angry, but there isn't anything new or majorly bad happening.

[JediKaren]

*sighs*

I shouldn't be feeling what I am feeling. I'm restless. I'm reckless. I want adventure. I want excitement. I want something to do, right now, something fun, with a little danger, but knowing I'm safe. I know a way to get it and yet I don't want to admit it. It's wrong to go where I want to go for this need to fullfil my feelings.

Well tonight, if I can stay awake, if I can focus I'll see what happens. Maybe they will understand me. Maybe they will give me what I need, not want. I don't know. The Jedi in me in confused. It calls for action, for important action and yet it advises patience, calm and peace. Just may the astral plane will help. I can only hope.

[JediKaren]

I go I got what I needed as I predicted (lol....and I spent the whole time telling myself to stop trying to predict stuff, it doesn't work)

This time I sat up in my bed, rather than lie down and risk falling asleep in the middle of the trip. I wanted to be alert as possible. I aped to the door of the Jedi temple and made sure I wa focused on my ap body. I knocked, was let in and look around. I saw Yoda and I cam up to him. He asked if I wanted an adventure. I clushed and said yes, knowing I really shouldn't want this, I have been on plenty of trips from Key West to Canada, but I still wanted something to do. He walked off and I followed.

We went to the elevator, it a small one with benchs to sit on. We stopped at the the third floor, which is the training center. The third floor is where I learned some lightsaber fighting skills, meditation, healing, and more. There are two part to it. The first half is where training can be done. It looks like the second floor of a mall in that there are open spaces in the floor, with railing so you can look down. It's also like a mall in that there are rooms that remind me of the stores in a mall. It's built so it's a semi circle of rooms. The second half the floor is on my right as I step away from the elevator. I have only been there once or twice. To get there you have to walk through a really thick fog and you enter...well I'm not entirely sure how to explain it. I'll think about it later.

He lead me to the last room, following the curve of the wall. I have been in that room once before. The room made me remember the last trip I went there and what an advneture I had. It was a very strange adventure that had a nice little lesson built in as to why one shouldn't want more power then they have. Since then I still won't touch the sun's power.

He sat down and then I did. He presented his hands out and then I remembered this was the exact same thing he did the last time. I gave him my hands, only he turn them palms down. For a moment I couldn't see anything, like I was no longer aping, but I made myself hang onto the astral plane. A horrible feeling in my stomach that made me want to run for the bathroom and a feelling like I was going to pass out came on to me. I tried not to fight it, but it's hard to do that when you feel so bad. I was told to not pass out and wait it out. The feeling of passing out went away, but I still had a very upset stomach. I remembered this is the feeling of when I am being pulled to a higher plane.

The human body, or at least mine isn't meant to go to a higher plane. I was burning out and kep breaking into light sweats over and over. I was told to stay in this higher plane. I asked why. He said I have to adjust and the only way to do this is to stay. He also mentioned that the feeling will get better, but when I leave this plane, i'm going to feel bad. I gave it some more time and then left. I came back to my ap body that was sitting. I got up, ran out, to the healer room, asked where the bathroom was and then was sick for few minutes. Throwing up in the astral plane isn't any more or less fun in the "real world" A healer lady told me to lie down on this table and asked what was wrong. I told her and she checked for a fever. I wasn't really sick, just reacting to something my body couldn't handle. I laid there for sometime before falling asleep.

[JediKaren]

ok I'm gonna write this up, but I'm pretty sleepy right now and want to sleep...so this might not be well written, but I'll give it a try (ha there IS a try and I just TRIED it HA HA HAHAHA!)

I was watching ep 3 Star wars last night and well I noticed the same power struggles that go on in that movie are the same thing that goes on the Jedi site...sad huh? You think we would of learned.

Anway so I decided to ap to the Jedi temple because I wanted to compare detail to beauty and what not. I hadn't had much time to look around when Obi Wan came up. Well it was more like he was just suddenly there. I asked why he came. He said that he noticed I was there. He asked me why I was there and I told him about the movies and then stopped myself because I knew I was ranting. (I have to hand it to the psions, we aren't that corrupt and we don't put up with bs) He said to follow him. We went to the elevator up to a floor I have never been too. Instead of the usual open, no ceiling space, the elevator opened to a hall. We walked through the hall, made up metal colored walls that gave me the impression of simple, but elegant at the same time. There was another hall that went across it. We went for the right hand hall and he opened a door to let me in.

The room looked like a meeting room with a long table, chairs with people in them. These people, I found out, were the Jedi political people...meaning they dealt with Jedi politics. I was introduced to them and he asked me to tell them of the Jedi sites. I didn't really want to tell them about online site drama, but I did it anyway.

I started on what was going on the sites when I was forced to stop because for some reason I saw in my mind and felt Yoda. I tried to ignore the feeling and stop "seeing" him, because I wanted to focus on where I was. I just plain couldn't. I asked if they would wait a moment as I dealt with this. I focused on Yoda, trying to link to find out what was going on. I never did figure out what that was all about. So I refocused on the room I was in and kept on.

I got half way through before I had to stop. The girls upstairs were having a party at 1am and making it hard for me to focus on the astral plane. I stopped aping, went upstairs to tell them to knock it off. When I got back to bed, they hadn't stopped, I was ticked off and too tired to ap. Oh well.

[JediKaren]

I think I have made up my bad rep among the real and ap Jedi. I wrote a 3 1/2 page paper about rank and what ranks means to the Jedi. It was a really good paper and I got a lot of approval over it. So this has boasted up my ego and strengthen this Jedi feeling I get from time to time.

Last night I went to bed with this Jedish feeling in me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go the Jedi temple or to Calmista. I decided to pick a middle ground, the warrior temple. I was standing in the main hall where Hatais's office is. The Warrior's council head came up to me and asked to talk to me. He lead me to the end of the hall and to take a seat in the room. We talked about the ap Jedi. He wanted to know how the Jedi felt about the warriors. I told him that I was not going to play messenger for him and I was going to going to get entangled with ap politics. I've already had more than enough with Jedi site politics. He didn't press it further. I had to admit this makes me a bit worried. I don't like people asking me this sort of thing, even if it's suppose to be harmless wondering.

[JediKaren]

Uncertain

Last night there was more Jedi internet drama as I like to refer to it. This guy sorta blew up and vented out everything that had been stressing him out at me. I realized this, and let him vent, taking in his pent up energy. Unfortunately this meant I got overloaded. It didn't help that I was super tired and hyped up from a movie. I realized what was, got off and took a walk in the freezing cold. The walk helped me ground all the excess energy, calm my mind and spirit and make me focus on the cold that was biting me in the butt.

When I came back on, I made sure that guy had good people to talk to and then went to bed. I went to the astral plane, to the Jedi temple. My focus wasn't very good due to the fact I was still buzzing with energy. At the same time I was pretty calm. I looked near the other end of the hall and saw yoda. I was once in the mood to be around him. I have no idea why, I just didn't get all emotional like I normally do. I came up to him in this strange light mood. Maybe it was the overload. He told me to follow him. We went pass the elevator and then to his room. I was trying to keep myself from predicting where and why I was going to. I was near his door when I heard, much much clearer than I normally do him say "so certain are you?"

It sounded like the movies (but I just looked it up and the book says it's "so sure are you". The voice sounded like it came from the movies. That freaked me out and I stopped aping. I haven't heard that voice from him since....um well for months and months. He normally doesn't use it because I don't like it. I wondered if I was just remember the movies right then. Maybe I hadn't aped at all. I know sometimes I will daydream or let my fears control what I see. But what did I fear about that trip? I didn't fear him. I made myself stop. I hate doubting the idea of if I aped or not. Then why did he say that? What was I so certain about? Even know I don't know why he said that. Maybe he was just trying to get uncertainty in me. Well done. *sighs*

[JediKaren]

ok edit time.

Movie "so certain are you?"
Book "so sure are you?"
ap trip "so certain are you?"

ok the voice I heard while aping was not quite the movie, but close enough to bring on a certain amount of doubt....

I think I'll never be able to hear or read "certain" the same way before....and it will be added on my list of don't say words like "try" argg stupid stupid (fill in with a LOT of curse words) doubt.

[JediKaren]

well last night I got ahold of Paul and told him what was going on. He told me that perhaps it didn't have to do with the movies so much as something else. I should of not left and stayed to see what would have happened. We talked for a bit, me considering considering the option of coming back to Yoda with my tail between my legs, admitting the fact I don't have a clue why he said that and apprently I'm not bright enough to figure it out. Well there would go my reputation. Of course this would show some humilty, something I'm aware that I need, and it is a subject I recently wrote about. Strange how life tends to make sure you know the lesson you wrote about.

Anyway so I was going to ap to the temple, but I couldn't focus. Instead I went to my house, to my room. This is the first time I've done that. Strangly I could focus completely and it felt weird to be back at home. My house didn't feel good. It seemed dark and not welcoming. This brought back pain and close to tears. I looked around my room and low and be hold Qui Gon was there. Gee, Jedi can really come from no where. I was left standing there, unable to think what to say. Why my room and why him? Well he asked me to follow him. We went to the park and then he went off trail into the woods. I know the woods much better than the back of my hand and yet for some reason I froze on the trail and would not follow him. He repeatly told me to come and finally I did. We went a bit into the woods, fighting through dense brush that was wet and marshy.

This strong feeling, from the Force came on me. It grew so strong that I was lost in it. I tried tell Gui Gon, but I didn't know how to. Someone called my name. I didn't know who. They said they were my master. Master? No one is the master of me. I've never had a personal master before and who ever this guy is, it isn't him. Anyway we went on argueing if he was my master or not. I had pulled a muscle in my thigh that was hurting me a lot. It turns out this guy was a healer and wanted to heal me. I was ticked off at him at this point and did not really want him to, but I did so anyway.

He and I are still argueing over this. I am a Jedi knight, yes I got suspended from the ap Jedi council, er long story, but I'm still a knight. I don't want or need a master. Anyway I'll see what happens. Who knows, maybe someone can offically clear this up. Meanwhile, to me, I remain masterless and a knight.

p.s. the deal for my knighood was I had to get knighted on this one site. I did. I was then suspended a few weeks afterwards due to nearly going down the darkside because I was rebelling against my parents...and well acting like a spoiled brat. I'm working (slowly there a lot of holdbacks...stupid Jedi drama sites) on getting back my position.

[JediKaren]

The Lessosn Learn
I just learned three important lessons in less than twenty four hours.
1. Don't drink caffeine on a school night
2. Avoid drinking caffeine when you've been having this feeling the Jedi council is going to want you soon
3. Don't put all your trust into "friends".

I was asked around 11ish by some Jedi spirit that the council wanted me. Then I took a sip of cherry coke and suddenly realized I was hyper...to hyper and there was no way to get out of this hyperness in time for the meeting. I didn't want to go for several more reasons and ended up stalling until 2am. I was then so scared about going that I basically went, but well..honestly I don't know what happened. I never really was allowed to see and I didn't trust myself to sense the room, figuring I would try to sense what I feared, not what was there. So that went badly.

Today has been ok day up until near dinner when I read this log of a site's chat meeting and found out the painful truth that who I called friends didn't like me, support me, or believe me. I cried, sulked, and then got over it.

Sorry these entries are short, but I'm sick of going into detail. Not many people read these logs and well...of those few are reading this.

[JediKaren]

Looky, SNOW!

lol wow...ok here's what happened...be prepared to shake your head sadly as you grin and maybe laugh. I got this crazy idea to get back at the squirt gun fight by starting a snow ball fight. I had been meaning to do this for a while, but every time I try to plan it out I keep coming back to the idea that my plan is going to go wrong. There is no way to beat him...grr well I did it anyway.

I decided to skip the whole going through the guarded door and what not and straight outside his room. The problem was I couldn't calm down. I was nervous and wanting to giggle my butt off. I was about to charge when he came out. ACK NO! Well there was nothing to do but throw the snow ball at him and haul butt to the forest room. I waited there, looking at the entrance. He didn't come in, but appeared behind me and threw a snow ball at me. Well I knew this place wasn't a good place to hide in. I aped to the third floor training place. He followed me again, appearing behind me. I was then pelted with several snowballs, being chased around the curve of the walkway to near the last classroom. Several snow balls where being held above my head and then thrown at me. I dodged them, sensing where they were. I suddenly look at them like droid which promoted me to draw out my lightsaber. I once again have to admit and love the pure blueness of my blade. The snow balls stopped and I put back my lightsaber. I was covered in snow and soaking wet. I then said "looky looky look SNOW!" At this point I was laughing and hyper off nothing. This was a joke between my roommate and I. I tend to get hyper off falling snow while my roommate gets depressed and pouty.

He came up to me and smeared more snow on me, which was fine by me. I realized how wet and cold I was getting and looked around for a place to change. The best place I could think of was the healer's room. He said that I could change where I was and he turned around. I paused for a moment. I wanted to believe that he wasn't going to look, but it seemed that dorm life has taught me to respect my privacy more than common sense. Well, I turned around too and then quickly thought up more cloths, ones that were fresh from the laundry and warm. He asked me if I wanted to play a game. I said yes, wondering what game.

He lead me to the classroom and had me sit down. He handed me his lightsaber...darn it was small. I put it on the ground. The lightsaber spun and stopped in front of him. I got the game suddenly. It was either spin the bottle or the game truth or dare. He told me to stand on my head. I could help, but give him a look. I didn't argue or ask why and just did it. I haven't done gymnatics for years and this was showing that. he spun it again and it stopped at me. So what did I want him to do? Well...what was amusing? What about asking him something that would be fun to find out. I asked him about John, asking if John came into his offic, what would he do to John. He replied with he would ask John to leave. To leave? that's so not fun! He could easier tear John apart. He could do so much to John and yet he wasn't even going to bother? I sort of realized why waste your time with someone who is lost in his own darkness and doesn't want to come back to the light and turth.

The lightsaber spun and stopped at him. I was told to stand on my head again. I wondered even more why I was doing this, but did it. The next turn was for me. Hmm, what to ask...I asked him what did he think of Scythe, a real guy online who had trained me as a Jedi. He said Scythe was a good Jedi. Gee, he's really not playing along here.

The next turn was his and once again I was told to stand on my head. At this point I had to ask why I was doing this. What's sad to say is I've forgotten what he said. Well I did it, but was getting better. Then it was my turn. Ok since he won't entertain me with answers, then what can I make him do that would be fun. What am I good at that I bet he isn't. I thought about it and then decided on art. Most people really really can't draw to save their life. I told him to draw something after creating a pencil and paper. As he was drawing I was aware of how sleepy I was and how late it was. When h was done I told him I really needed sleep and then left. I quickly fell asleep.

[JediKaren]

A busy day

Yesterday was my roommate's birthday so I threw her an ongoing party all day. When I got to bed I was tired, happy, calm. I heard this voice call my name. I knew it was not Calmista and had a guess of who it was. I was right and it was Obi Wan. I was told to come to the temple. Sure, why not? I was calm and in a good Jedi mood. Hey maybe I'll learn something or do something fun. Oh was I wrong. Or......to have fun..........wrong I was. *gets outs snow balls and squirt guns*

I came up to him in my wonderful, happy mood and then got told I was to go to the council. I just "no no no" Gee this ruined my mood in a second. Oh gosh I didn't want to go. I wasn't ready. I didn't have time to prepare. I didn't even have time to think, thought may that was the point. He said that we would take a short cut there. We went to the side of the wall to this narrow semi dark hallway. I had no idea where I was, but I knew this hall would make a good interesting adventure...

The hall came out to the side of the hallway that leads to the council room. Obi Wan left me at the hallway to enter on my own. I didn't like that, but I didn't have choice. I knew I couldn't keep them waiting and I would just have to get this over with. I took a deep breath and went in.

That room is so weird. You can feel the power in there. I mean the power in there is so different from anything else. It's rather breaktaking in a strange, creepy sense. As I walked to the middle I had a thought about leaving right then and there, but I knew it was far too late for such a whimpy thought. I sorta looked around and then sorta stopped looking at anyone, that or I couldn't see. I was asked how I was. I said I was good. I was asked about the Jedi sites. That was a longer response. The truth is the Jedi sites are less mature than a role playing site and that's low indeed. The Jedi sites are far too instable and since I've left them all, I've felt better and acted better around people. I'm calmer and happier. I was then asked how was my health. I said it was good and totally meant that. My health has been amazing. I've barely got a cold this winter. I was then asked something else and I can't remember what is was. I was dismissed and managed to make myself not run. Outside Obi Wan said something about a good job.

I returned to my body and turn over a bit. I became insanely sleepy. I knew this was not a normal sleepiness. I was being put to sleep. At first I fought it because I didn't not ask for this. I gave up, figuring if I fought I would just wake myself up and never go to sleep.

I had a strange dream. Well all my dreams are strange, but this is weirder than usual. I dreamed I was in this desert. I was with Qui Gon and Luke was tagging along, being about 18ish and newbish. In the desert, we came across this shop. In part of the small shop, Yoda was selling soap. The soap I recognize as the soap that one of my roommate's friends gave to her for her birthday. The soap was being sold for two....well it wasn't in our currancy, but it was like 2 cents. I was expecting it to be something like 60 cents. I was so shocked that I said I would pay 3 cent. I had money and didn't need it. He was in the desert and he had to need it more than me. I went back to Qui Gon who asked me how much I paid. I told him and he seem to approve. I then woke up and i think went back to bed.

I'm not sure where this dream came from or if it wasn't a dream.