JK's Third AP Log

[The Adfeng]

KAREN?! Omg, i'm taking your psi privalages away! *takes them away* Muwhahzhahahahahahah! I guess you're getting along well with your training? If you need any help, Cu will be here for you.

[JediKaren]

well I didn't ap Thursday night because really, I didn't want to. I didn't want to go through anything more that was going to hurt, tear myself to pieces, and leave me crying at the end. I had been through a rough day and felt like I badly needed a break. I know some Jedi tried to get me to talk, but I wouldn't. Then Yoda came and I turned my back to him and kept silent for a while until I got reminded with one word that I have promised to do as he says, so we sorta talked, but I can't even remember what it was about. Probably about how I don't like what the training is doing to me. I'm glad I got the break, though I bet the Jedi aren't happy with that. Oh well.

Today was much calmer and better, but then I took a nap and had a horrible nightmare about my old roommate in my in house and playing hide and go seek. She was hiding and I was looking for her, but then my parents came back from the beach. My parents told me I had to go with them to go get food from the store. I said I couldn't because I couldn't leave my rooommate alone, unable to get home. My parents didn't care and demanded I came with them. I got really upset and my parents got really unreasonable. I woke up shouting "shut up" panting and scared.

I hate nightmares and I know I'm nervous about going home next weekend for fall break. I know I'll be fine, but..I guess I fear this unfairness, being controlling, not getting a say and being told to ignore what it is important and right to me. I hope this nightmare doesn't haunt me anymore.

[The Adfeng]

"I woke up shouting up "shut up"" Incorrect grammar. ANYWAY, nightmares are horrible. I don't like them one bit, unless I know I'm in a dream, then I like to see what happens it it. I don't usually have nightmares though.

[JediKaren]

One would think by now I could tell the differences between various guides when they talk to me, but honestly it's very hard. Really, only Calmista I can pick out, maybe that is because I have very few women guides, or I know her the best.

So Yoda came and talked a bit. It was decided (by me) that while it felt like I didn't have a choice in the training, I did. I have the choice not to come at all, but then I have to deal with what that choice might bring (like not being welcomed back when I feel I need help)

I was told to close my eyes and I got nervous. In the past, being told to your close eyes and relax means something bad, unrelaxing, is going to happen and they are just trying to keep you calm as possible, long as possible. But, for this time, I was wrong. I was being calmed into meditation. lol there was a groan to be had.

Meditation is not my favorite active by any means and I will rarely practice it on my own. I was told to focus on peace. Well that seem simple enough. I envisioned the word peace in yellow/gold letters on a black background. Then my mind when off to the symbol peace and soon somewhere else. ACK! Eventually I got control of my mind again to focus on peace. I was being told I was out of practice (no duh). I refocused on this picture in my head of the lake near my campus and put myself there as intensely as I could. But then my mind wondered off and I was having trouble keeping focus, yet my body was completely relaxed. It's just my mind was more active than when I down 24 ounces of caffeine soda. So third try, Yoda cames aply to the scene and sits with me. I stay focus for a few seconds, but I was put off by him and soon wondered off again. This time I got so wildly off topic, to a topic that I really didn't want to be thinking of around him that I stopped altogether, very embarrassed with myself and how this all turned out.

I was told that we would practice this. I was told that I thought too much and my thoughts were boring, dull, and repetitive (ouch). Well I do like to think. I'm a very quiet person in real life and tend to live in my head more than anywhere else.

I realized this training is trying to break me down, force me from my emotional bad habits (I've been very angry and emotional in the wrong sense) and to get me out of my downward spiraling thoughts, then to reorganize them something that is more healthy for me and promotes more thoughtfulness.

[JediKaren]

well this entry isn't ap related, but I dunno. I'm not sure if I should tell you all this. There's nothing you all can do, yet well I think my future is going to get worse and you all have a right to know what's going on with your admin. There is a strange idea about what an admin should tell her members about her personal drama and weakness. I have for the most part given up on journals, but this entry is special....I'm not sure if I should even be mentioning this to anyone, but I have found in the past it's better to let people know than to hide and whimper alone in your own pain.

About ten minutes ago I got told by my father that my mom has breast cancer. Supposedly I had been told this information years ago at my mom's doctor office, but I can't remember at all, so this was brand new to me. My father told me this like I should have remembered, like he had been knowing this for years.

For the last six months my mom has been constantly sick with little colds, or bad back pain, headaches and so on. I ignored this as getting old and smoking. Now it makes sense. Now the drinking makes sense. Everything does in horrible, I don't want to face it, but here's reality, light. God, it sucks. Now my dad is taking over the house. He's not planning trips. My mom has gone back to the doctor.

She's dying. I mean, duh, but I mean like it's hit me. I knew for years she was, but I didn't really know why. I sensed it, but thought it was the smoking. Now, I know. I don't know how long she has, but I fear it to be as less as two years. I don't know how to approach that thought. I don't know how to approach any of this.

I know people die. I saw the Loin King more times than all the star wars movies combined. I can calmly explain the facts of life to anyone. I can comfort people with their religion. I know my parents, no matter what will and should die. It's nature. It will happen to me. Yet, this is so f***ing hard. I want to curl up into a ball and sob. I want to stop the world and scream bloody murder. I want to attack, I mean physically attack my father, putting the blame on him. Part of me wants to say it's his fault because he's the one who ruined this family in so many ways.

I'm scared. It's not death that I fear, but the pain before death. I need to do research on breast cancer, but I already know it's painful, I mean like I don't want to think about it painful. This won't be easy. It won't be pretty. At best, it will be short and even that sucks in the worst way.

I'm telling myself to hold on, don't lose it. I have college. I have a future. I have a life. I have a path. Crying in balls of self pity, moaning about death isn't the answer. It's an action that could ruin my life. It could ruin not just college or my future career, but my Jedi life as well (which I value far more than the job or college) I'm not going to be like Anakin and go to the dark side, but I can suddenly understand why he went crazy when have dreams of his mom dying. I'm not even that close to my mom and I've gone to tears already. Sad, I know. I know you all say I'm strong, I think this ordeal is going to really show something about me and I'm not sure what that will be. I know one thing, I'll be crying a lot more. I wish I could control it, but it's my personality. I hate seeing people suffer. I don't mind my own suffering so much as the pain of others. Screw my life, but not the lives of others.

And one last thing, if this isn't a crappy post already, years ago I predicted without any facts or logic to back it up, that my mom would die before my dad, and I didn't foresee her as any old lady either.

I hope you all don't see me as an emotion, pathetic wimp. I'm not giving up the site. I will still do all I can for you all, but I want you all to understand that if I get rather emotional and stressful, it's going because of this. I will try my best to not withdraw from everyone, when things get tough at home, but I can't promise you all that I won't. I really don't know what's going to happen and I'm not sure if I want to.

[snowind]

Hey J.K., You know you have a friend on me, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here...

And remember what I told you earlier...

[Brilenus]

I am sorry to hear that. If there is anything I can help with, just let me know. If you start having too many emotional problems, it is possible that I can manage to calm you down a bit, though it is probably best to only ask for help if it is needed badly.

If there is anything those of us here at the forum can do, please let us know so we can try to help. You know that I at least will be willing to help in almost any way possible.

[JediKaren]

I had to admit I'm not doing as well I as I could be. I'm hurting. I'm depressed. I'm angry and scared. And I'm certainly not acting like a Jedi. The worst part about it is I have to act like everything is ok when nothing is. Maybe this is just the depression speaking. Maybe I'm not in the right mind. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and hiss at everyone who approach me for advice, comfort, or help.

I still have a site to take care of. I still have newbies to help and still questions to answer. All I want to do is scream what about me? What about my problems? my pain? my tears?

I won't ap. I don't want to talk to any ap Jedi or whoever, yet I know I can't avoid them forever. I was planning on giving the ap Jedi a letter telling them what thanksgiving is all about, but well this happened and I missed in while crying. Yeah, sad huh? I know, I'm a wimp. Not strong. Not together. Emotional, weak, wimp. So will you all stop seeing me as some psion god? I'm not and probably never will be.

I'm sorry, but your precious admin is falling apart here. Can you forgive me?

[shinigami]

i know exactly how you feel jk. just remeber that the pain will go away one day and you will be able to move. ill be here there for you if you need me.

[JediKaren]

Life in all honesty, sucks.

I'm going back to college tomorrow. You would think I would be dancing in ever lasting joy because usually I hate this place far worse than anything. I still hate this place, but I'm not so sure about college.

The biggest problem I am having now is why nothing has been done to save my mom's life. I know it's her choice and I'm pretty sure she chose not to do anything. Why? Well that's the burning million dollar question. My worse fear that sends me to tears and wants to kick the living stuff out of her: she's given up. She doesn't want to live.

Now, she's legally blind, getting old, can't work, can't go anywhere, no money, no nothing. I can see why there's no point in living. Yet, I can't get over the fact that she's giving up.

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because I'm young, engertic, a fighter and resister at heart. After all, she's given up on a lot of things. She stayed at my home when she KNEW I and my sibling would get abused. She didn't try to defend her children against her evil husband. She didn't take care of her health, but has smoked and drank it away. She won't go to doctors. She doesn't want to do anything. Now, she's letting cancer beat her, win the battle for life. She doesn't seem to care she's going to go out painful and a long death. She's smoking and that's only going to make it worse. Not going to the doctor will make her more miserable.

Can you understand why I want to punch her and cry for her? How sad is her life? What does a person do at that point? Suicide? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I want to think about it. I just know I'm still in pain and highly ticked off at the world. No one cares. I half want to get more mods and have them run the site for a while. Then stop modding all the other sites. But is that the answer? Maybe keeping busy, no matter how painful and how much I don't want to do it is better for me. I don't know. Admins shouldn't have to go through this. I shouldn't have to go through this. I've had enough pain in my life. I'm sick of it all. What more is there and will I ever find peace?

[JediKaren]

Here's an email from my dad with me asking about my mom. I think you all can figure out how bad I feel right now:

ME:I've been thinking a lot about my mom's breast cancer. Why hasn't she gotten any treatment?

DAD:She won't get treatment. I have tried to get her to get treatment for years. She says she is tired of living when she can't see. She said she wanted to live long enough to see if you would get into college. She has had diphtheria and polio and pre-eclampsia and strokes and I think she figures cancer is the last straw. She hates seeing doctors.

ME: How long has this been going on?

DAD: About 5 years, I think. I told her she needed to get it checked out when I first noticed it, and she said the doctor had said it wasn't a problem. Remember the mysterious registered letters that kept showing up that she would hide or throw away? That was the doctor covering himself legally that she had refused treatment. That was how I eventually figured it out. I finally got her to agree to give permission to the doctor to discuss it with me. Until then he wouldn't/couldn't.

ME:What did the doctor say when she was first told?

DAD: That if she didn't get treatment it would eventually kill her.

At least I got her to see Dr Keys, now. She wouldn't see her old doctor anymore; he kept after her. She hasn't been for almost a year. I got her to see Dr Keys by saying that Dr Keys wouldn't fuss at her, would help with pain management, and eventually recommend hospice care. Her sore has gotten pretty bad. Also her blood pressure is high again.

Also, I insisted that she tell you, but she said you already knew. I do think it was mentioned in front of you once after a doctor's appointment.

She seems better today. I think her back feels better. I suspect the back problems may be due to the cancer. The doctor wants to do a CAT scan, but I don't think Nancy will do it. She is supposed to go back in a month. Hopefully I can talk her into it again.

All this is awful.

[Brilenus]

That is all horrible...

Please, let us know if there is anything at all we can do to help.

[knight]

Show your wings, Save a life, no one wants anybody in pain

[JediKaren]

*sighs*

I wish I could say things are getting better, but I'm not sure. I'm on watch by astral Jedi. I don't think they trust me in this state. I guess when I take a break from my site, I shouldn't be trusted. I'm also not allowed to ap unless they get permission from the council. That half bothers me, but really I don't care. I don't want to face anyone. I have to email my sister and tell her the news tonight. That's going to suck.

I'm going through highs and lows. When I'm on a high, I'm laughing, happy and focused. When there are quiet times, like before I go to sleep, walking to classes, or bored, I think, I feel, and I fight tears. I keep going through panic moments where out of the blue my heart will race and the emotions go crazy.

So far the worst is the dreams. Well, more like nightmares. I can run, I can block, and I can deny, but not in my dreams. Last night I dreamed I was in an art class, painting a picture of Nemo, from finding nemo. Strangely enough, Yoda was in my dream, i think overseeing the class and I think I could tell from his point of view that he knew I was in pain. I hadn't said anything, or acted in a way to show the pain, but he knew. He could feel it. Maybe this is just me telling myself I'm in pain (no duh).

I just want to stop all of this emotional roller coaster. I want to not cry once a day. I want the panic attacks to stop. I want to stop being depressed, tired, and moody.

[Lady Takara]

*hugs*

You just have to get through. As someone says it never gets any easier, you just learn to deal with it. There are sometimes, rare times, when I still cry over my grandmother's or great-grandmother's death. I know you'll pull through. I cannot say why Life puts us through the crap we do, maybe only the Gods know....but whatever. Just keep going on. Keep it simple, that is enough as it is.