JK's Third AP Log

[JediKaren]

Mirmo is going to show me how to view the world with energy from a different angle than I'm use to seeing.

He asked if I could see auras, I can't. But, I'm pretty sure through my natural scanning ability I can tell what the aura color of people is. So, he wants me to find someone who can see auras and practice with them, using scanning on other people and see if our colors match. I haven't had a chance to do this due to the fact I've been closing at work, leaving me too tired to think and too sore to do much other than go to bed.

[T_Hornberger]

Ok, a couple things....Sunburn sucks, coke does too, i'm a pepsi person , but the hyper feeling is fun. And the way I would interpret what Mirmo said is, well rain has different sounds by how hard it is, or by how strong it is...Psi/energy has different feelings to it depending on how strong it is, that's the connection I get. It doesn't really have a sound, their is definately a feeling to it. I did notice something while reading your logs....nobody can ever just answer a question of yours, they make you do long stuff to actually find out the big picture in the end lol. I hate when people do that, when they could just easily tell me the answer, even though i can understand why they wouldn't...

[JediKaren]

why? because it entertains them? lol ok so not really. Um I guess because I learn more by looking for the answer myself rather than expecting someone else to always tell me it. I tend to remember my own actions then the words of others when I ap. Also teaches me to think in ways no school or friends would ever teach me. I seriously owe my bare success of my first year in college to them teaching me to think and not look in a book for the answer.

btw I'm still not done posting old entries. I just thought I had given you all enough to read for another day.

[T_Hornberger]

Ok, I just realized something, pepsi is awesome...er...., it has psi in it . I am so easily entertained...sorry for the off topicness, i was reading your reply and saw pePSI, lol.

[The Adfeng]

Well, I hope that you achieve what you want. If you need help, Cu is always here for ya, JK.

[JediKaren]

Ok, so two days ago I worked from 5pm to 11pm, went home to a house with no ac when it was 85 degrees and extremely humid to fall asleep at 1am to wake up at 4:30. I left the house at 5:30am to work for six hours and finally came home. I went to the bed, seriously tired to the point my brain and eyes hurt. So I laid on the bed only for a few minutes when some spirit (not sure exactly who) said the council wanted to see me.

Now, I don't want to come off too rude, but this is stupid. I've had 3 1/2 hours of sleep. I worked a whole lot. I'm in no shape to appear before anyone. And even if I could concetrate enough to come, I would probably not pay attention to anything being said or fall asleep in the middle of it. So, really, that wasn't thinking on their part and I made it clear I would come when I got more sleep.

So, I decided on come at 11pm, right before I went to sleep for that night. I was actually good in that I got off the computer (a hard thing for me to do) and was getting ready for bed at 11. Then came the part when I panic. It suddenly dawns on me why I was called. I had spent the whole day wondering why I was being called. What had I done wrong? or right for that matter (it isn't always bad news as I kept reminding myself) I realized I totally forgot to offically tell them I'm training someone online. Oh boy. This was no good.

I got myself to astral project in the hallway before the room, still scaried. Mirmo was there, trying to get me to calm down. I told him to stop it, I wasn't going to calm down, but he had this steady gaze like "sure you will" I went over to the side of the hallway where it's open with arches, looking over a really pretty garden. I got a few minutes to stare at the garden, calming down a bit before he called me, as he was walking into the room. I hurried over to him, feeling like I was being rushed into the room. I kinda held my breath as I came in and then had a hard time letting it out. There is something about that rooom, or maybe it's the people inside, that feels so strange. You know this is a room of total power. You know you're not of total power, like a child walking into a room full of grown ups. You know everyone is looking at you, through you, learning everything there is to know about you and there is nothing you can do to stop them. Despite going there any times, I still don't like it.

They didn't say anything for a minute, leaving me wondering if I should say something. I could vaguely feel them, their minds and seemingly their presences closing in on me. I was asked if I would take down my shields. Gulp. I had to. I didn't want to, but there was no choice. I took them down and felt all these minds crowd me. I retreated to the back of my mind and then felt someone come behind me, pushing me forward. Arg, I couldn't hide. They got closer and closer, sending me to the edge of something I didn't want to go to. Finally, they backed off. I think I may have left the astral plane during then because when I focused back on where I was, my head hurt.

They asked me when I was going to tell them about my student. Oh man, I was right. I told them about I asked Mirmo if they had known and were ok with it. He said they were, so I thought that ended the matter. Well, I was wrong and telling them wouldn't of hurt anyone. I told them I was sorry.

They asked me how my health was. I said good and meant it. I had figured out a few days ago I couldn't eat peanut butter anymore and the stress was getting a lot better, even if work wasn't.

They asked me about my site, which surprised me. I told them it was getting bigger (678 members) and keeping me really busy.

It looked as though the meeting was over when Mirmo had a request. He wanted me to spend time with everyone on the council. They agreed to this. Mirmo hadn't told me he was going to ask this and really, I didn't want him to, but of course I didn't get a say in the matter.

Well, it was not the meeting I expected, but I've learned don't try to predict what's going to happen when you ap. It's never right.

[JediKaren]

On the 4th of July I aped to my room, I have my own room in the warrior's temple and wrote a letter explaining the history and present idea of the 4th of July.

I have a new tradition that for every major holiday I write a letter explaining what the holiday is about for the Jedi temple. So far I've done Christmas (gave them 12 boxes that when opened played Christmas songs), Easter (a basket full of candy and easter eggs), and now 4th of July (a basket full of fire crackers and American flags)

I'm also getting daily or nightly bugged, at least that's the way I'm seeing it, being asked if I'm ok and what not. I admit I'm not. I'm stressed over a lot of stuff, but really, they are the people I want to talk to. So, a lot of times I'll ignore them and go to Calmista, who has been very nice and understanding of me. I will also admit I've broken down and cried on her shoulder now twice in the last week.

I know this stress isn't good, but it seems there no answer to getting away from what is causing the stress. I can only hope I just make it until I get to college and a lot of my problems will go away.

I meant to get away from this answer, the same answer I had for last summer, but I don't see how to avoid it.

[JediKaren]

I was debating if I should to go the Jedi temple or not. I didn't want to go, but I thought staying away might cause too much worry and I don't want that too happen. At the same time I've been finding myself trying to distant myself from that temple. I feel the pressure to join and submit to their orders a bit too much. I like my independence. I like doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. Yet, I like their help, their rooms, their ideas, and what i'm being taught. I know if I go too far in independence I'll lose what I like about them. So, I find myself being pulled two different ways, leaving me rather confused and trying to keep the Jedi out of my life.

What's funny is the more I push them away, the more they come after me, bugging me, refusing to leave me along. I admit I've been going in and out of depression on a daily bases and have been getting asked if I'm ok by Mirmo a lot. If I refuse to talk when it's obvious I'm not ok, he threatens and then makes it happen, that he'll make someone else talk to me. Last night was a good example of this. I refused to talk and then when I decided to ap this is what happened:

I knocked on the door and the guard let me in. I chatted with him for a minute and finally looked around. I didn't get long to look because I sensed someone was near, very near, and looked back from the cieling. I was in for a surprise when I saw Yoda there. There was an akward (at least for me) moment as I stood there, feeling like I was about to fall over my feet, not sure what to say. I decided to wait for him to say something. He didn't say anything. I realized I would have to start the conversation and I knew how and why to do this, but I didn't want to. Finally I asked how he was. He replied he was good and asked how I was. Oh I hate hate hate that question. It's so simple and yet so easy to force an true answer out of me, one I don't want to give. Well, I really was tired, to the point my eyes and head hurt, so I said I was tired. I didn't need or want to go into the full page describtion of what has been bothering me, half of it is rather pitiftul anyway.

He still didn't move or say anything, once again leaving me in an awkward position. My orginal plan was to go to the forest room and just hang out there, trying to find peace, but at least people would have seen me and known I'm still with the Jedi and sorta ok. So, I told I wanted to go there and we went. I couldn't help, but think that usually when I go into nature more than once a week, it means I'm really desperate for some peace. He went in first, but let me decided where to go in the room. I decided to go to my personal favorite spot, which is directly across the lake.

I decided to swim across the lake, rather than go around. I really do love swimming and the lake has a small waterfall on one side. I swam to the waterfall, not getting too close and then slowly made my way to the shore of my spot. When I got out of the water, soaking wet, I noticed he was already there, sitting, eyes closed, and looking as if he was totally into meditating. He looked/ or I sensed, like he was really deep into it. I realized I should probably meditating too, even if I don't like doing it.

I found out that my brain was too tired and too everywhere else to focus on making it blank. I gave up and looked around at the forest around me. I focused on the trees, the different greens and half opened myself up to the energy inside the room. I truly love the feel of life around me. I don't mean human life, I mean plant and animal life. It's so simple, so peaceful, so together, so healing.

I relaxed a lot, to the point I was sleepy Time went by and I notice he was getting up. I think I sense, may saw, or at least somehow knew he was between dissappointed and annoyed at me for not meditating. Somehow, and this bothers me, I didn't care. I was peaceful and happy enough for me. Maybe it's because I didn't see why what I was doing wasn't as good as meditation. Anyway, he left and I stayed there for a while, before ending the ap and going to sleep.

[T_Hornberger]

sounds cool. I want to ap so badly. Except I want to find a room with speakers everywhere, and jam to music like crazy loud lol.

[JediKaren]

Ok now we are getting in present time, meaning these next few posts were written, starting a few days ago.

[JediKaren]

I suppose I should get back to that seeing how a new wave of training has come my way, or chosen for me.

For those who actually read this and are willing to follow me (I certainly do not blame any of you for not believing me. I can easily see this seeming crazy and full of doubtful holes) you may remember a few posts back that "He (Mirmo) wanted me to spend time with everyone on the council."

I hadn't wanted it and for a time it seemed like it wasn't going to happen. Apparently I was wrong to believe this. A few nights ago, telepathically, someone, I could tell a woman by the slight difference in voice, talked to me. You have to understand that when I mean "talk" I mean like when you think to yourself, but this being a different voice, a different sound, using a different pattern of speech that I would have never used, talking of ideas I normal, or ever, think of.

Anyway, for the last few days she has been teaching me to relax. For those who don't know me, relaxing is a hard thing for me to do. Stress, fear, anger, excite, all the feelings of a young adult who has had a rough teenager hood with her extremely strict,controlling, unfair, possibly abusive parents, are the feelings I have come to live with on a daily basis. There has been little peace in my life, I'm not fond of meditative, and purposely seek out things to excite me, like sugar, wildness in friends, or for fear, scary movies. So, trying to be calm and still for more than a few minutes isn't an easy thing for me to do, nor have I had much practice of it. I guess I could even say this is my own fault, seeing how half of me direly wants it, but I'm not willing to even try.

So, this lady, who identified herself as a council member, but not by name, has had me nightly lay on my back, relax, and practice breathing and relaxing both body and mind. I admit I have been resisting some of this, not wanting to get on my back, but lay on my side, not wanting to do the whole breathing thing, not wanting to relax or be quiet. At one point she tried to use her status to gain obedience, which was a huge mistake on her part because my father has used that on me and I hate it. So I wouldn't allow her to use the excuse "I'm a council member and therefore you have to obey me" If people want my respect and obedience, you don't use a higher rank on me, but gaining my respect by appearing to be on the same level as me. Once you have my respect, then you can pull the "I'm more ___ than you, so do ____" She backed down from that angle and hasn't tried it since.

When these relaxing sessions don't go well as plan, we do tend to then talk about different things. Last night for example we talked about why relax before bed and how emotions play on the quailty of sleep. When one goes to bed fearful, stressed, sick, or unhappy, one doesn't sleep well and could have nightmares. One ends up expecting nightmares and restless sleep when one is in that state of mind. Yet, if the person goes to sleep wanting, truly wanting a good night of sleep, no matter how little sleep, one will get it. So, to sum it all up, relaxing both mind and body before sleep promotes a better night of 6 hours than a fear filled night of 9 hours. This btw was brought up due to the fact I was only going to get six hours of sleep and was convinced that it was going to do little good and the next day was going to hurt and be very long. She did get me to relax enough that I didn't spend today too tired with no headaches or body aches. So, I guess she was right. She also explained why two summers ago one reason why I suffered constant nightmares.

[JediKaren]

Well, last night was certainly eventful, with all the drama and emotion that flew around, mostly thrown by me.

To give you all an idea of what's been going on besides meditation, I've been talked to about pain. It seems that I fear pain, like an other human does, but it's not just physical pain that I fear, but emotional and mental. I've had a long going fight with my ego, trying to keep the ego from inflating and then popping. Popping the ego hurts extremely badly and rather than go through that pain, I've been trying to avoid things, actions, listening to people that causes the ego to inflate. The woman ap Jedi told me to stop avoiding listening to people or actions on the basis to avoid pain. In fact, it seems everything I do is in a way, trying to aviod pain. Humans will let pain rule them, drive them and enslave them. We run, we hide, we fight, we cry all in the name of pain. Somehow I need to let go of pain. I'm not sure how that will happen, but somehow it will.

So, on to last night:
Before I went to bed I was talking to someone who was telling me how great a person I was because I run a site, teach people, can astral project, and know of a higher, more complex part of reality (these are not my words, but his) I told him to stop it, that I wasn't that great as he was making me out. Well, I went to bed, still defending the idea that I really wasn't all that great. I'm young, I'm emotional, I make a lot of mistakes, I don't mean anything to anyone, I go to a school few have heard of, I don't do much at my school, I'm studying history, I haven't done anything to be remembered by anyone, and anyone can create a site and teach others. Astral projection sounds really cool, but once you do it for most night over a span of two years, it becomes no big deal and you realize that astral project is just the start of something much huger than your mind can understand. Honestly, it's very hard for me to tell if the training I'm getting is something special and all this attention is very unusual, or is this just basic training that doesn't get told about very often.

Anyway, this voice, a man's voice and one I didn't recognize started talking to me, and when I tried to guess who, I thought maybe Mirmo, but I was wrong. It was a man from the council (groan), but still no one I knew. I was told about the importance to keeping a log of my training and how this log and the work I do for my site will pay off years later even if it is hard to see that. I was also told to stop writing like I'm trying to convince my readers of the truth, but write like I really believe in all this and the readers will do the same. He then asked me to ap to the Jedi temple. I asked where and he said anywhere I wanted. I picked the main hall, the one that you came straight into if you enter through the warrior temple. I usually appear here first whenever I enter the temple. The only drawback is there are a ton of people always there seeming to just talk and hang out there. I love the room. It's huge, grand, incredibly tall ceiling, everything made out of stone, completely different from anything I had ever seen, even in magazines. I always know I'm being started at by corners of eyes and it really makes me uncomfortable.

The man I was talking to was there, standing right in front of me. At first I couldn't see his face, but I could see everything else. He was tall and big in mass and muscle, but not fat. His appearance spoke of power and a lot of strength. He was an obvious warrior, someone who did a lot of fighting and seemed to like it. Yet, he didn't strike me as someone who would be on the council. I told him this and he had me explain why. I guess my idea of a councilor would be some who was strong, but not overly strongly in the way he was, and wise, like someone who had done a lot, known a lot, and seen a lot. He told me that was not all there was to him. I then saw his face which matched the rest of him. A guy who was perhaps was once full of fierce energy, a temper not to be messed with, maybe even angry, but closed off to most all other emotions. Since from a certain time, maybe it was death, he had calmed down and mellowed out. Became of a reflector, but still very much of a warrior and soldier in mind, body, heart. Mind you, he didn't tell me any of this, this is just what I am picking up from him, using my natural scanning ability. I told him I was sorry and he asked for what. I told him I was sorry for stereotyping him. He said it was ok and I wasn't the first to do it.

He lead me to a wall, on the side that the people stood around and had me sit on the ground with my back to the wall while he stood. He handed me his lightsaber and asked me to study it out loud. I don't know much about lightsabers and wasn't sure what he was looking for. I told him it was big, thick, obviously made by him and carved done by him, and it spoke of power and seemed to reflect his personality. I handed back the lightsaber and he told me to study my. I pulled out mine. I had this slivery, light,simple, and smaller hilt. I didn't really much like the hilt and felt no personal connection to it. There really wasn't much to it. He asked why. I told him the lightsaber was given to me. He asked who. I told him, remembering how this guy who claimed to be my head trainer gave me the lightsaber during my second ap trip to any temple two years ago when I told the guy that I couldn't be a Jedi because I didn't have a lightsaber. (if you would like to read the actual account of that story, just ask and I'll send the log to you). The council then told me the person who gave me the lightsaber was a Jedi and was looking out for my training on the behalf of the Jedi. The Jedi and the Warrior temple both wanted to train me for their cause and it was decided that I started at the warrior temple, but the Jedi had a hand in what happened there. When I was ready and wanted to, I could then go to the Jedi. (once again there is a log for all this history if you wish to read it)

I was then asked to open my hilt up and look inside. Well I didn't have any tools on me and didn't know how to open the lightsaber, so he took it and used tk to open an apartment inside, then gave it back. Inside were three small crystals that were blue, red, and white. From what I've read and heard, the lightsaber was made with one or two and if you had three, you then had the possibility of controlling the strength and length of the blade, a feature I had no idea my lightsaber had. I knew the three colors meant something, but I had no idea. I also wondered why my blade was blue, yet there was a red crystal in there that should of made the blade purple. He said not and told me what the colors mean. Blue meant compassion, calm, and wisdom. The red meant raw, untamed, bloody strength and power. The white, well really clear was meant to seem transparent, but really shown hidden secrets, trickiest, random. These were the traits of myself. Under a seemingly simple ordinary outside of a young adult was all these. He told me that each lightsaber reflects the personality of the holder. I asked him what his crystals were. He told me blue and white. Strength, boldness, and openness are what they stood for.

He switched topics and had me stand up. He was one of the oldest people here, seeing how he came here very early on. He was in charge of helping each Jedi adjust there and one thing he did was make them release their pain so they could move on. He told me to cry. I wouldn't. I wasn't going to cry in front of everyone. That was far too embarrassing to do and plus, Jedi don't cry. He told me that was something everyone got wrong. Not showing your emotions is wrong. Hiding them is even worse. This idea about privacy and crying away from people was primitive. I was then told to sing the saddest song I knew. Here are the words I picked of a song I knew very well and is very personal:

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you
go on.

Far across the oceans,
The spaces between us
you will be here,
In my heart

Near, far, whereever you are
I believe that the heart will
The heart will go on and on

Near, far, whereever you are
I believe that the heart will
I believe that the heart will
I believe that the heart will
The heart will go on and on

At the end, I was sobbing due the word "oceans" which painfully reminded me of the fact that my sibling moved a month ago to New Zealand and is farther than ever, and that our relationship with each other is very rocky and painful. I ran out of the room in embarrassment of my outbrust, out of the Jedi temple, through the base floor of the Warrior temple, up the stairs to the second floor, through the door, through the halls, and to Calmista's room where I loudly knocked on her door. I begged her not to let him in, I knew he was chasing me all that time and would be here at any moment. Calmista was very confused on to what was going on. Sure enough he came, but I noticed that Calmista kept him very close to the door, while I stood at the back of the room. He calmly told Calmista that I had to come back and complete this training while I still was in the state I was. Calmista looked at me and looked at him. He told her was it was very important, while I begged her to let me go and get some sleep. I knew it was a lost cause and she sided on his side. He came into the room, grabbed my hand and half dragged me all the way back.

[JediKaren]

I went back last night, nervous about up coming pain, tears, and whatever else they were going to do, and of course not wanting to go, but I managed to convince myself in the long run this had to be worth it.

As I closed my eyes and settled down, i could feel myself being half pulled out, a feeling that isn't very pleasant in my opinion (why do people want to go through this?) to the main hall, close to the same back wall as before. The same guy was there. He had me sit down and handed me a small narrow container and told me to drink whatever was inside. I asked what was inside and he wouldn't tell me. I refused to drink it until I knew what was inside. He said alcohol. I started walking away when he Force lift it near me and told me drink it. I told him I didn't drink alcohol and wasn't going to.

For those who don't know, my mom who is legally blind, tends to herself drunk when my dad goes on trips for several weeks. She'll get drunk very late at night to the point she can barely walk, bumps into stuff, sometimes cuts herself, and several times I thought she had passed out on the floor. You can't imagine the fear of any one night that I have gone through and my father knows about this, but won't do anything. Because of this, I have sworn never to drink and if I must, no more than a sip or two because frankly, that stuff is gross.

So after much explaining and repeating of himself, I decided to drink the stuff. I stuck to standing next to the wall and didn't move. I was scared to move. Scared to act like my mom or make a fool of myself. Nothing much happened except I was more relaxed and feeling a bit more emotional. He gave me another container, still didn't do much. I left to get some much needed sleep. Today hasn't been good though. This consistent lack of enough sleep is wearing me down and naps aren't helping. Yet strangely enough my grades have been amazing, getting all Bs on papers and tests in college when I would have barely gotten Bs in high school.

[T_Hornberger]

"This btw was brought up due to the fact I was only going to get six hours of sleep and was convinced that it was going to do little good and the next day was going to hurt and be very long"

Oh my god, karen used chat speak!

[JediKaren]

lol yes sometimes I do that. Guess that means I need to fix the chat speak detector. hehe I shocked you all...hehe